Open Letter to a Friend with OCD

dear Victoria

this is about the place where you seem to be, where you think you are. I am working with the same issue – the willingness to realize fully that I am as God created me – that I am not my chronic lung problems, I am not a victim of it, i am not a victim of a past that my soul/Self chose from a high level to have me live through. I know i chose it to truly KNOW that I am not my experiences – I am the eternal witness/awareness of it.

This morning it became crystal clear that as long as I insist of BEING the person who has gone through all those horrors, I am denying the power God has given me. The person-me is constructed from a zillion of beliefs based on what others has told me – what media tells me – and my own conclusions of the traumatic situations I went through.. I judged them and myself and made  fear-based conclusions about what they meant about “me:” I was stupid, wrong etc.  So I  put pressure on myself to deny and repress that “stupid me” and adapt to the demands from “the others” to be accepted – and this persona, a bunch of beliefs and habits and fear based patterns, we believe to be Who we are.

I know better, and I know you do to.

Still, we hang on to them, precisely because we think we ARE that.

I have held on to the abused- tortured-traumatized-me to avoid stepping truly into my power, which is my true connection  to God acting through me. I have noticed that when I decide to do something challenging to the old pattern, fear/ lung problems act up like crazy, to “protect” me from leaving that old pattern  since this self is terrified of dying.

Still:

sometimes I have insisted of doing these things that has horrified me.The defenses – that I HAVE PROGRAMMED FROM FEAR AND IMMATURITY  – have painted all kind of catastrophes on the wall. When I have believed in those images and threats, believed them to be REAL, I have felt very bad, and then I have taken that as a sign from God that I should NOT do this.

Still, there has been this kind still Voice that has said ” You know sweetie, what if you take a chance and go there all the same. If you hurt when you get there, just return.”

So – when I have done this, the result has been fantastic: I have been with others in a new and empowered way.  have found myself speaking from my Power/my connection to Source. I have felt strong! Joyful!

The last this  I did was this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HE89f600ETA

This is one of doctor Carsten Höller’s creations at the Henie Onstad Museum.“The Slide produces a sense of loss of control and an opportunity”, as he says himself, “to experience an emotional state that is a unique condition somewhere between delight and madness.”

It took some time before I picked up my courage, as I was terribly afraid – but I did it!  and he is quite right – “state between pleasure and madness” is right. When I reached the other end, my brain convinced me that I had twisted around at least three – four times – but it was just one long turn.

And I had lost about 40 pounds, it felt like – and when I walked to the bus over a big green field with slopes, there were swallows around me. They flew 30 cm about the ground and circled me and figure-8’ed me, and I shivered and cried because they played with me – and I have not seen swallows the last 10 years and have missed them like crazy.

I knew this happened because I had left the old “safe” and anxious persona, trusting God would let me fall through it and receive me safely down at the end of it.

He did – through  a very smiling loving guide who received me.

Beloved sister: I know that my most painful experiences actually have created the greater gifts that I could not have offered now to the world. The maneuvering through all of it has made me who I am today, being able to predominantly have a loving connection to the energies in those moments of trauma. But that is only true when I am willing to have that old fear-persona-identity dissolved. Again and again recognizing that fear is not what I want, being willing to be wrong about who I am as a persona.

My The cancer and the horrible radiation-experience was turned around the moment I decided to give it all over to the Divine: “Archangel Michael, I call you forth! I want your energy to flow through this radiation-machine. I want my cells only to receive what is healing and loving.”

There was a clear light and an instant knowing that I had been heard.
And  contrary to medical science, the pain and symptoms after the radiation ended, did NOT continue the expected 14 days after the end. Meaning: so-called grave illnesses may disappear if we truly are willing to let go of your limited view of ourself.

What if God does not create illnesses – what if we do, as a way to control ourselves – and also to explore what beliefs create  pain  and illness and what dissolves them.

What if you are not under the shadow of the OCD, unless you choose to be. And I am speaking about the parts of you that still want to hang only the old identity. What if it is possible to say, “I will act as if there is no OCD that can control me, since I choose God to control me.”

That is a good question since  it makes us reflect on what we truly believe about God.

(And S/He certainly does not push us to understand NOW :))

I clearly see how I have identified with being powerless and under “others” shadow, and being safe only if I use control and my horrible traumas to stay “safe.” These were formed when I WAS under others’ shadow – no wonder I bought into that belief system. It has only taken me 72 years to get here – that is not much, considering the zillion of life-experiences we all have. Please do not read any judgment about that: we do what we do until we feel safe enough to do better.

What if you and I were willing to drop these beliefs and habits as our “protectors” and allow Holy Spirit to take over. What if it were perfectly OK to drop into old patterns again – and what if it was OK to not do it too

I know from long experience that I do not need to know with my brain what to “do” – all I need, is to let go of the belief that I am doing my life on my own.My little willingness to be wrong is all that is needed.

What if we are truly here to share our gifts – and what if our gifts are easy to find, since we LOVE them and love playing with them – in my case, images, storytelling, drama and poems.

So right now I invite you – and myself – to sink into this: what is the deepest feeling underlying my  the lung-condition ( your the OCD?) …is there any movement in energy around it? Is it available for unconditional LOVE? Do I ALLOW LOVE to come into this, once and for all? Am I willing to not know what it is about?

– – –

For me, it was a field of utter loneliness, like “outcast.” Staying with that pure feeling as energy was pure bliss, as long as the judgments about it fall.

Then I heard the question- “And is this the Truth about who you are?”

And then Love poured in “ I AM BIGGER THAN THAT FEAR, THOSE SENSATIONS.” I am that eternal awareness that surrounds it all – loves it and transforms it – and you and I need do NOTHING for it to happen – except state that little willingness to admit that our way has not brought peace and happiness.

Your gift is very clear, my friend: you are called to put the sacred into images as photos, so that we can recognize it and feel the hope in that. Your love for horses is just as strong as the horses’ love for you. It takes an exquisite sensitivity to be in that state of communication with Nature. All of this will create a beautiful momentum when you  decide you are ready to be willing to disrespect the OCD as TRUTH, and instead just sit with the energy of it. The stories and inner screams will be loud and insistent, but now you know they come from the OCD itself – they do not come from YOU and can simply be ignored.

What if only our belief in these limitations upholds all these old patterns

What if pampering them makes them stick

What if freedom quietly surrounds all of it and just waits on our welcome – just as Love.

And here is a caveat: Not pampering them comes NOT from pushing the symptoms down, judging them, repressing them -: it comes from freely saying yes to BE with them.

And that is a choice.

Blessing them and embracing them is a choice too

And what if doing a bit of slacking with chocolate/whatever now and then is better than beating ourselves up for not “doing spirituality right.”

I thank you for your post on Facebook, for bringing your situation up to the surface for us all, acknowledging our deep need for transformation…

Much love!

Leelah

 

 

 

 

Door-bell signals – from the wilderness

I have decided for decades  that I want the Universe to mirror to me where I go unconscious and where I need to heal and forgive. The Universe has been very very cooperative – including mirroring me via PC(freezing up,) cellphone : NO energy at aaaalllll – and can’t get charged! and also via my outdoor lamp that lightens up when it is dark outside – or, in my case, light goes out when it shouldn’t, and comes on again when I have found the places where I hold on to darkness( read:false beliefs of limitation  – and fear.) It comes on again by me just realizing where I have been in error, and being happy about being shown.

Lately, the door-bell has sounded several times when nobody has been there.

The first times I freaked out, there was a ghostly energy about it. So I sat down and asked for help, and was told that this was a part of me that I had violently dismissed and judged and feared and hated –  old incarnation. The energy imprint of it is still there in my soul – could I just sit with the part of me who I had judged so intensely, and just listen to it, and find out why it had behaved in this way?

It showed me the acts were done from  intense fear, and needing to protecting itself, out of the beliefs it had at that time – which were that it was guilty and sinful and completely separated from God’s Love. Or so it believed, at that time – that separation IS possible.

I know better now – and I chose to be with that part. When it noticed that it was not alone, and not judged, things happened very fast – in just five minutes or so, warm clouds of love arose to embrace us.

I thought that was it – but since then, it has happened again. The spooky feeling has abated a little – and I have sat with that new aspect too.

Today it happened again – This time, there were no spooky energies –  and I sat down and was guided to pick up a new book I have bought: Circle of Grace by Jan Richardson. Wanton Gospeller Press.

I opened it on this verse:

Blessing that meets you in the Wilderness.

Last verse, that my first finger pointed at:

“Let this blessing be

the road that

returns you.

let it be

the strength to carry

the wilderness

home.”

©Jan Richardson. janrichardson.com

This happened the first time in 2014.

It’s moves me to read now the insight I got at that time:

All the ways I have tricked myself  into accepting the blame for others’ wrongdoings.

This was a thought I got – and the door-bell signal came the second i had thought it: PAY ATTENTION!
That’s how strong that energy was, in that sentence – in that truth:

All the ways I have tricked myself  into accepting the blame for others’ wrongdoings

*

So now I am the place where I truly let that belief go – that I need to accept blame for others’ wrongdoings. And instead be returned to my Self, and carry my (be)wilderness Home.

The Art of Blessing

Story from “When fear Comes Home to Love”

4.1 Avatar on the train / 1998

I was attending an AVATAR-course in Denmark. The last night I was living alone in the house our group had shared, and I scrubbed all the rooms. I went open-eyed into the role of Bird as the perfect helper and “good girl”, and used a huge anxiety-energy to clean. Then I slept for about two hours.

In the morning my attention was fixed in a space about 30cm to the right side of my head. I was floating in my Self: there was no separation between me or anything / anyone else. To just exist in this state of being was delicious. Walking with a heavy trunk was heaven. Sitting in the train doing nothing was exquisite. Totally aware, totally open, harmless, present.

Three young soldiers take place in the seats beside me and in front of me. One of them is bullying another, who is visibly scared and acting more and more submissive. That creates more sadistic behavior from the bully.

I decide, from the vast loving space I am in, to just take over his abusive and hateful energy. This does not seem threatening at all: I know he is not the energy he has identified with.

I allow his energy to float into me. It feels weird – but it is it and I am I.

Within the next five minutes he undergoes a transformation. The energy “Fuckeat as dominator” leaves him, and his true kindness and harmlessness emerges. He starts to kindly address the scared boy, who looks as if he has just fallen from the moon. Slowly a warmth and tenderness spreads between them. It is a wonder to observe their true nature emerge.

When they leave the train half an hour later, they look like best friends. I have witnessed a transformation.

I am not saying that this necessarily would go on. But I had witnessed – and will never forget – that beyond seemingly disgusting and brutal behavior is our true nature. The Course’s main teaching is to look with Christ’s eyes on our brothers and sisters. By refusing to see his disgusting behavior as who he was, by not judging him, he was free.

And so was I.

If we are coming from the Self, we will be able to see with Christ’s eyes. When we are not able to come from that Place, we will have to play within the rules of conditional love: setting borders, respecting ourselves and the other.

When you read the Fuckeat-stories, I suggest that you notice what defeats him. That is important knowledge you may use when you meet the next Fuckeat in your life.

Exercise: seeing with the eyes of love

In your mind, place the person you have issues with in front of you. Instead of your perception of him as your “enemy,” look for beauty in any form at all – and look with kindness, as if s/he is just wearing a costume, and you are looking to find the true Light within. If all the perceived guilt slid off – how would s/he look?

Ask to be shown what is truth about him/her. When you have found it, bless it. What you are blessing in him/her, you strengthen in yourself.

Enough –

A dear friend shares a story about her boy,7 years, who visited a friend last day and ate too much and threw up a lot in the night. Instantly I attach to the archetype of what I call “Child” in my book “When fear comes home to Love” –  the conviction that “I don’t have enough, I am not enough.” In Buddhist tradition, this is called Hungry Ghost: it HAS TO take take take eat eat eat to fill itself up – since it perceives itself as a vacant space – and this space is filled with the terrible belief and experience that I am separate from my own Self – God.

As humans, we have all experienced  incarnations being the hungry starving people we see in media. The skeletons from the concentration camps are us.We know  in our gut and soul how the body feels when it is malnourished – how terrible it feels to die of starvation – and what behooves us to know is also how strongly this physical starvation and hunger is connected to the belief “I am not lovable.”

And that sensation – those experiences – are all connected to the belief “I am a separate being – this is MY experience.” It firmly plants us in the belief that we are a product of a cruel God who dishes out punishment to someone – and this “someone” must surely been guilty of something, being punished in this way.

So when these old archetypal patterns move within us, we eat. We take that extra glass of wine. And there is no harm in doing that as long as we know what is really going on underneath: we are sucked into an archetype, we are acting it out by pigging out.

There is another image of God – and without that Holy Image inside us all, we could not create anything. WITH the unlimited created power God has given us, we create infernos of limitation and  lack – and we justify our belief that we are unjustly treated to take from others what we think is our birthright.

It IS our birthright – and there are no “others.” What we seek is RIGHT HERE AND NOW in our  loving Heart that we share with all.

My friend and I share the great joy and expansion that happens when we see that what happens with the boy is a remnant from an old story belonging to humanity. It is in the mind, it can be healed in the mind.

Blessings are POWERFUL beyond measure – I see the effects on them on people I meet. You know me and bus drivers – I bless the grumpy and desperate-looking ones with “I bless you in your connection with your joy and Self. I bless you in your memory of Who you are in Truth.” More than often,their desperate looks slide right off.

Now we can do the same with this archetype of hunger and lack when we find it inside( and we find it inside each time we think it is REAL and react to it:) I bless you/myself in your/my true connection to my Self as God’s beloved Child, forever loved,loving and lovable. I bless you in your memory of Who you truly are.

drunk

After watching “Woyzech” last evening at the theater, I took the bus home. At one station what seemed like 20 very drunk teenagers with beer boxes in their hands came on – they were very loud

I saw an old friend in a seat on the other side of the isle and moved over to her.We reminisced about an occasion where it was bitterly cold and lots of snow, and we both were pregnant in the 5th month. We were at a different bus-stop, and a very drunk man feel in love with us and shoved stacks of cash at us because we have helped him up from the snow he was laying in, almost unconscious, and called a taxi for him. We were two very good girls and put his money back into his pockets.

Now – here we were again, some 35 years later, together on a bus with drunken people.

They started to get very very loud, drank openly, and I started to feel afraid they would vomit on me. My friend’s husband reprimanded them loudly, and I sensed a bad atmosphere right around the corner. I remembered Who I was and blessed the bus and the kids with Christ’s blessing.

In less than one minute the atmosphere changed. My friend and I commented on how pretty they all looked, and how sweet they were, like puppies – 8 of them had now bundled together in a heap in the four-seat place. There was a lot of fondly hugging and kissing on cheeks and hugging and dumping down on each other’s laps – all the social borders had vanished, and the natural love overflowed. Some of them started to hum and recite poems, and one of them hushed at some others who were a bit loud.

There was a big HEART that we all floated in. Liz and I sensed it, we smiled to the kids, they smiled to us. Only Liz’ husband looked angry the whole trip – but he did not reprimand anyone anymore.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Miracle

Recently did a lot of traveling on trains, and practiced seeing the people that I came in contact with as Christ.

I discovered this thought as miraculous – again and again: “Holy Son of God, give me your blessing.”

A German family of 4 was settling in with me. A couple in their late thirties, with one little guy about 1,5 ,and an older brother, maybe 10-12. The mother looked paranoid, did not greet me, mumbled that these seats were impossible, they could NOT drive here. She looked like on the brink of falling apart.

The toddler was placed right across me, and started to kick my shin methodically and hard. It was easy to see that it was just nervous energy, but it hurt anyway so I asked kindly (while seething inside) if they could maybe move him. They looked like I spoke from a foreign planet.

Then I remembered: They are only mirroring what I have judged in my mind. A sweet calm came, and I heard myself thinking: “ Holy Son of God, give me your blessing” – becoming aware of their true nature.

It took maybe ½ a minute. Then the children stood up, the father removed the little hyperactive one and smiled at me. The mother stood up and walked to a window, her body radiated peace and great joy. She turned and looked at us – and me – and her smile came from Home. I sensed something old melting – the old paranoia maybe? And from that moment I thought this prayer, the 5 of us danced a perfectly choreographed dance: we were danced with. It was amazing to witness its beauty and the order of it.

My second seatpartner was a Japanese businesswoman with a travel-PC. She did not look at me, was frowning and busy, and outside the train was the most marvelous landscape. I prayed the same prayer. A seat beside us became free, she brought her PC over there, let her hair down, closed the PC and started to look out the window. What was so sweet was the feeling of connection between us – as we were really siblings and had known each other for always. We often looked across the aisle at the other and just smiled.

After coming home and having slept here 2 nights now, I wake up in the morning and notice the old familiar depression and gloom -and then, after just one second, it feels like a curtain is drawn away, and there is a field of calm and tremendous eternal JOY present.

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder -bug

I got you!

I am only 69. Give me a break. I got it now: that lil bugger, sitting on the left side of the head, stretching down into the left side.

i got you!

You are the inner push: “i WILL-  I  M U S T   finish this NOW.”

Right now it means finishing simplifying my desktop, even though I felt a clear sign of “enough.” The enough said: enough doing. Now just allow yourself to be i n the sun and silence. The bug : ” you CAN’T let this stay looking messy.” And “You HAVE TO fisnish what you hgave started NOWNOWNOOOW”

Aha. Obsessive Compulsive symptom.

Typos? Great tool to use to catch the obsessiveness when it comes. Now I spot it  as an abrupt and harsh iron grip of muscles, a sickening head-ache – just empty as long as I don’t give it meaning and “importance.”

Wow. I just understood the Buddhist term emptiness.

EVERY”THING” is empty until I give it meaning

A want to share this with my fellow life-travelers. I just sit with it, witnessing the story of threats: you DIE if you don’t do this. You lose any trace of love if you don’t do this now. Ah, and this: “You lose respect from all of US when you leave this mess.”

Really? I mean,REALLY?

What a silly bug you are.

Oh the tensons dissipating. Oh you HAVE to correct that typo!

No.

I just sit here enjoying the tensions melting, and the stiffening and headaches in the left side just being allowed and witnessed and blessed and forgiven on the way out.

I as mind made this to “protect” myself at some time. And until now it has gone unnoticed

A nd I notice that this is what invisibly has stopped me from resting in God as a practice: as soon as I have sat dwon to do that, this invisible bugger has said(not heareble before now:)

And if you don’t feel or hear Him, he just isn’t there – but I AM HERE FOR YOU BABE

You old control troll

You have to get rid of all of this NOW!!!

No. You are dismissed. It is my pleasure to catch you when you visit today: just stop whatever I am doing, not judging, forgive myself for my creation, welcoming you as energy, embracing you,freeing you from any role,blessing you with the blessing of Christ

And….

no

that can wait:)

A small gray messenger

This Sunday morning I had the most amazing satori in bed. ALL IS CLEAR, and I saw the beauty and perfection of absolutely everything in all of my lives – or more clear: in the human life – including massacres, abuse, the whole enchilada. Then I fell into sleep and had a REALLY bloody dream about jealousy – and when I woke up, the image of the Tarot card the Devil came up. Ooops! Well – Holy Spirit, thank you for letting me know that I still need to forgive this creation of mind – or maybe, stop reacting to it as if it is real. My nervous system now really did.

As I some minutes later sat beside the window and the image of “the Devil” came into my mind, the energy of this belief and image sprang forth inside, and also instantly the human fear and agony and resistance of this concept – the very essence of denial of Love inside us all. I immediately felt a judgment – “I shouldn’t feel this after the satori, I can’t trust the satori” and THERE is a little gray sparrow flying down from the roof and flying in one space right in front of my nose, as if it is trying to find an opening to get in to me.

It did 🙂

Thank you Holy Spirit

Thrice, as I remember it, I have experienced in this life the absolute denial of Love as energy inside me and seemingly around me – and each time, Love has taken care of it by saying YES to it. That YES certainly did NOT come from Leelah! There was a “Yes – also this can be included in Me” and the transformation from black horror to Heaven was instantaneous. Oh my God, THE LIGHT! – On the last occasion,in my mailbox next day, there was a child’s drawing of a big sun

 

This is described in my book “When fear comes home to Love”*

 

Now I can sit down with the energy and say: ( this is from “Way of the Heart” by Jeshua/Jayem)

I am the source of this

I judge it not

I extend forgiveness to myself for this creation

I love you – I embrace you – I set you free to be your Self

I bless you with the blessing of Christ

I allow Holy Spirit to replace my perception with Truth

And I realize – that transformation has already happened 3 times – I just PICKED THE IMAGE UP AGAIN

 

 

 

Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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