Receiving my Self

I wrote two poems these last days. I knew I liked them a lot – and I wanted to RECEIVE them with all of me.

I stood up, stretched my arms up  toward Self and prayed to be helped RECEIVING MY SELF, the beauty and bubbling creativity that comes through me.

AND IT CAME! Rushes of bliss flowed through me, intense joy and gratitude without bounds

AT LAST  RECEIVED ♥

My Others

Moanie Molly is mean on Mondays

frivolous on Fridays and

satyrical on Saturdays

 

Pretty-bow Prune tinkers with truth

on Tuesdays and

tortures toddlers on Thursdays with

a terrible smile of too- twinkling -teeth

 

Wednesday is my day – Woolly Wendy

is my wame. I call them in through

my windows of welcome

I wind them warmly into my

wet and woolly wembrace,

tucking them in, wriggling and wailing

wrapping them up in well-meaning waffle words

 

Sunday is sublime-day.

All of us together.

Singing in the supersonically choir of sunflowers,

Visiting soothsayers and sweet-shocked solicitors,

Swimming in star shined seas of sovereign surprises,

Summoning slithering salamanders

and cute little ducks.

Then we go home

and sleep the slumber of

sincere sinners

and saints

*

OTHER

You think you can avoid me

Climbing the highest mountain

I am your  holy ground

Diving the profoundest depths

I am the reflective surface

Traveling straight forward

I am the tail you bite

You look at me and shiver at the

Dark mask

And I am looking at you through the slits,

Stretching my arms out towards you

You see threat

I see you

Heart  broken open

No other

 

 

 

 

 

 

Presence – or Heaven

When you have a family with a big split – there’s a lot to clean up afterwards. Afterwards meaning when you grow up and realize all you have buried – all the conclusions you made as a wee child when shock happened, what all that meant about YOU – and the great coping mechanisms you made to surf it and survive it all.

So comes the time when you look at yourself with great compassion and decide to receive all those old feelings, give them an expression – not to get back, not to win, just for yourself: this is how it felt in the body. I have a right to feel it – it is healthy and it is healing me.

So I have been gradually working myself closer and closer to that man in my life who planted the shock in my body when I was a baby, and who planted the shock waves in the family in a way that allowed us all to live in ignorance of what was going on – himself included. I deeply believe that I am born to explore and bring consciousness to this tremendous split – and what happened this glorious morning was an instrumental piece of atonement of what I have named “The Jekyll and Hyde”-syndrome – where the loving father/mother in one second switches into his demonic twin.

This morning, there was a great opening to ” it is OK and welcomed to truly feel that fear. To completely allow those energies of insanity back into the body and consciousness – because you are not alone NOW: I am with you, and I am willing to feel this with you.”

The voice speaking this is what I call the witness/observer:

This is THAT in us that was never harmed or hurt, that cannot die, was never born – that embraces and love you completely each and every moment – your Self. And since most of us have succeeded in putting this Self in the backseat, so we can truly explore separation fully, we now want to gently allow it back in.To not set the bar sky-high, we may go for an angel instead of the Self:  a witness who is completely accepting and loving of all that we are. Deeply nourishing energy, kind, gentle wise and strong. Just like the parent we all wished we had   –  here it is now. Just pretend! that’s what imagination is for.

As the Observer sat with the aspect of my Self who still carried this insanity-energy locked up somewhere outside/inside the body, and suggested that  I was willing to feel everything WITH the aspect, something relaxed in her. It is vital for me that I remind myself again and again to keep a space between the Observer and the aspect – in that way, I will not merge and fuse with the insane energy, and it will – for the first time – notice that LOVE is present.

Guess what happens when insanity meets LOVE?

Exactly.

And so I was willing to take the chance, the small self/aspect trusted the presence of the Observer.

The first seconds, there was a gradual building up of sensations in the body. There was fear, and the Observer suggests, ” I encourage you to feel that fear. Good for you, you know! At last you dare to feel this fear.Go for it!”

And you might take a big breath when you read the following: the energy I write it with, is pure bliss and Presence.

Suddenly I and my father are together in a winter landscape. It is dead calm, except that this is all about life. We stand still on our skies, there is no sound, no others. Just a Presence of Being that embraces us with indescribable love – allows us to know who we are in this world, one with all. And this feeling I feel WITH this man – it is what is available for us all. Seen from this loving level, we as souls chose all that dark energy to come into play to be explored.To come to this sacred moment where we both see the truth of who we are.From this point, in the bed in the morning, I forgive myself for setting myself up for this and for asking him to play this role. I forgive myself for being involved with these energies for so many lives – and it simply does not make even a nudge in the Self that we are.

Next memory: my father and I sit in a wooden rowboat on an ocean with out a single ruffle disturbing the endless mirror like surface. It is sunny and warm, we are fishing. It feels like we are sitting on the very edge between heaven and earth – and what is above is what is below, there is only here and THIS.

Third memory:

He walks ahead of me into a wood. He knows exactly where to walk. He is a pathfinder, and now he leads us to a paradise of shining yellow chanterelles.  I am in ecstasy! He had led me to a treasure, and he allows me to pick them all, smiling tenderly at my joy.

At the path back to our car and civilization, we talk about the bushmen of Kalahari – how we both adore them and their way of living.

Fourth memory:

My mother has recently died. My father and I sit in the living room – he in his big self-made  green armchair, me in front of the fireplace. We listen to Mozart, and all pain is transformed in the radiance of our union.

*

In bed, I feel the energy of the beauty and presence we shared, and recognize it as the absolute truth of who we are. I recognize that I can choose to allow the dark energy now to come into those heavenly spheres of Self and Truth – so I do that.

Writing this down – and sharing it with you all – is my way of grounding it. Growing up with this split and deep denial – as so many of us are – creates HUGE fields of distraction/dissociation-energy as a necessary smoke shield of protection. This pattern we have named “US” – so now it takes vigilance and steady practice to notice “oh there i go again, distracting and confusing myself. I really want peace instead.”

And then I choose to remember these places where we are one: skiing deep in the wood, out on the sea,  finding the golden treasure together – and being lifted into the bliss of Mozart.

*

Thank you for reading this through. I love you, whoever you are who chose to do that. If you enjoyed it, you may also enjoy my two books here on this blog. Or not 🙂

Sitting with God this morning –

The first thing that presents itself if “How can I ever trust God completely – remembering all the times in beautiful surrendering, Love flowing in – and then  suddenly Heaven turns itself into hell, where that one who was recently my dear companion turns  into a demon that devours me?”

How?

After this question, there comes awareness of how defense-patterns have taught me to constant be on the lookout for signs that this “switching” in the other person is about to happen: I sense it energetically and via changes in their facial expression and voice. I trained myself to instantly split my consciousness and dissociate.

And the body still carry this habit: being close to God/bliss means that hell is about to happen.

What a conditioning!

The thorough training in not being present during abusive attacks – and the premise that the attacks are real, and not a projection from my mind – and therefore the healing must happen in the mind FIRST – the ROOT must be uprooted

What a tremendous control I have established as my “protector” – expecting the worst, looking out for it, always.

Control = con troll 🙂 – meaning colluding with ego, or what a friend called “Taz” ( for “Tasmanian devil)

I see it now, with a giggle

You are showing me  the basis of all these dreams of being attacked:

A thought that God  – our true Essence of Love and eternal Peace – CAN turn into a Devil who will devour you and crush me – again and again.

While I speak this into my little recorder, the dark clouds outside my window become transparent and the sun flows in

“And this is the thought you have repeated in a majority of your incarnations” says the Voice  – “and thereby fortifying the identification with Taz, in its victim-part. You have also learned *that all these attackers  also have had  outstanding beautiful qualities: extreme sensitivity, almost all of them, and a majority are great artists or  pioneering persons in different fields of society – and they all have this ability to split off their Mr.Hyde-part from their kind Dr.Jekyll.

You made the assumption that to have the ecstasy of creating freely, following the blissful process of creativity, you had to accept the dark side and become a victim of it.

At the base of all of this is the thought that God can change into your worst enemy and stalk you and destroy you – which is exactly what the Son of God thought happened at the  seeming moment of separation, believing the impossible Tiny Mad Idea.”

Feelings of guilt and sin comes in waves –  it feels wonderful to know that these are just bodily memories based on false thoughts: just errors. I see how completely natural for the Taz-mindset it was – and IS – to believe in and identify with sin, guilt and fear –  the mind’s  unholy trinity. I see how intrinsically those dark qualities are assimilated in the mind of the dreamer and its dreamed-up 3 dimensional figures.

God turns into the devil – because by believing in the TMI, YOU think you have turned into the devil – and you now project it  into your image of God. This is the god many Christians believe in – he wants to be feared, and he burns down villages and turns people into salt if they don’t follow his rules. By believing in this God-image, this story, this is the god many humans have experienced for millions of years.

I have faithfully played out my story for innumerable incarnations. I have hung on to the Silly Mad Idea for eons and I surrender it  and allow You to correct it. All that is here are appearances. They are not real.

I look at this me/Taz that is hypnotized by its story and want to keep it. Strange. But there it is. Luckily I have learned that not judging this means that I have forgiven it.

*( through my investigation  in my therapy/healing-practice  with my book – “When fear comes home to Love” – see right menu

Ground Floor

A wondrous awakening is happening. After the nightly session on Skype with Barbara, a knowing established itself: that whatever seemed to happen in thoughts,feelings and sensations/fantasies/pain etc DOES NOT MATTER – it is a dream, it is not real, and I – True Self -is untouched.

I sense an underlying state of consciousness – or level of mind – words are not good here -where I AM with God, as One. I see and experience it NOW as NOW. Sinking into it there is deep rest – and also there is awareness of much resistance in “the upper floors.” That does not matter – whatever goes on there is like a movie, a shadow-play in Plato’s Cave.

What this does for me is removing guilt effortlessly: guilt is from this “level” now seen to belong to the identity of the shadow-players – and extra layer of guilt is placed on most thoughts of the shadow-players. But from the ground floor these thoughts are seen as meaningless – belonging to a script.

The last night was fear-free. Oh the bliss of that! I had a dream that I was surrendering my body to float in a wonderful sea – and in that moment of surrender I received a kiss! I opened my eyes, and looked at my Godfather.

Now, the ego intervened very quickly and the dream turned into a fantasy of my this-life-Godfather fancying me, which was very disconcerting – but when  I awoke, the symbolism was not lost.

Today I was blessed again: seeing the movie Monsieur Lazhar. 

Both the teacher and the class had PTSD – and now,having a “ground-floor” – experience, I saw them all acting out the shock and denial that is part of the PTSD – and it was possible to see all those feelings AND feel them – without getting identified with them. I was crying with release, and was blessed with an experience of complete and utter beauty and truth.

Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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