The False Helper

Sharing with Kit

She shares a story about how her 5 year old son went ballistic this morning because Kit “helped him” putting his trousers on – without asking if he wanted help. We shared how this unhealthy kind of helping is nothing more than a distrust of the child’s ability to stand on her/his own legs, a deep distrust of the power within – our own included – therefore mistakenly needing to “help”. And also the unspoken judgment of clumsiness, taking one’s time, making errors. Kit saw a parallel to Aikido: we are served by working WITH the power, not resisting it or manipulating it at all – like “helping out.”

Leelah’s turn:

I did the same thing with my daughter. She raged at me too – and I instantly understood how destructive it was to “help” when unasked. And that has not stopped me from “helping” her a thousand times later – that habit is so strong ( described in the BIRD-chapter in “When fear comes home to Love”) and so much part of Leelah-identification -) BUT: I UNDERSTOOD how wrong it was – now the practice is just to become aware when I repeat the pattern.

WE need to ask: “Do you want help?”

I become aware of a part who is convinced “it is my duty to save them.” Oh this gives me a fat headache. This part wants to murder them because they simply do not know their own best – but I do! If I don’t help or intervene and stop them from doing dangerous or foolish thing, it is MY FAULT when horrible disasters happen…like I need to tell them that the ice is too thin, and they won’t listen and go skating anyway and of course they drown and it is my fault…

This is when Kit points out, “This is part of the Mother Archetype. It is not personal.”

Zing! The arrow hits the target. I recognize how  parents express this in media when a close loved one dies a death in violence: “I should have…”

Now that the Archetype has been allowed to become visible, it opens to violence: “It is in my RIGHT to make them do as I tell them – to hit them, to put them in a cold cupboard and lock the door and not let them out until they beg on their knees. Until they have learned. CONTROL is needed, force is needed. If they happen to die from starvation, it is their own fault.

How great it feels to let this control -and- violence-pattern out in the light – and in a wave of compassion and tenderness which includes us all, the pattern is free to move in new paths in our mind and bodies.

Oh -there is only One of us here – I/ego have told myself I need to be controlled and forced and punished – for my own good.

Yes, there it is. That’s what we do when we are on automatic and have not found and forgiven these patterns.

I recognize that I am in the familiar disaster-thinking pattern. And somehow it perversely feels safe to be within it: I am safe when I feel unsafe. Insane, but there it is.

But of course the ego – which IS fear – feels safe when it is unsafe: this is ego and I don’t need to grab it for myself and call it “mine.”

I share with Kit how I did not feel safe serving at The Prayer Team – but I refused to let the fear stop me. It did not remove the fear, but I DID IT ANYWAY.

Ahhh – now it becomes clear: There is Something in me that Knows that I CAN handle “the worst scenario” if it happens.

I trust that that is true.

On some level, I must have allowed the possibility that the worst may happen – and then, when the possibility for the worst is not resisted any longer, there is a better chance that it will NOT happen, as Zach says. It is safe to feel unsafe – because there is a great safety-love-net underneath. It is not dangerous to feel fear – it is safe to feel unsafe – it is OK to make errors – what a golden lettered sentence!

KIT:

“The importance is not to prevent what happens – but to BE with it. That de-powers the dark Mother -archetype.” She shares about a therapist leading a group lately who seemed to make a mistake that others pointed to – and he was just THERE – being OK with “doing errors.” How we humans long to have that demonstrated

I share a past-life memory of me having great power in a society and had the people’s trust, I made a choice and we all died. Kit asks if I can be with what happens in my body when I express this – and the story I make is “I can’t be trusted, disaster is my fault.”

But right now, being with the implosion in my body, allowing it, it becomes clear: that massive destruction was meant to happen – and the consequences of it. I was the one who consented – and wanted to play that role. The ego could see it as a huge mistake and push tons on guilt on me – but Spirit says “way to go, Leelah. Somebody had to step in and make that choice and play the role of the guilty one.”

Ha!  I let it go now: just a piece of the script

“The false helper is so convinced she is guilty,” I say, and a huge alarm goes on in Kit’s neighborhood.

A little later, the entrance light goes out again. It goes on when I know how strongly I have held on to the role of “saving others” and that it is “enough” to be there for myself, fully. ”Smile at yourself for believing your thoughts are serious” says Blue and giggles. Instantly the iron band around the ribs tightens – it wants me to hang on to guilt, to make the separation going.

I can be with that too – seeing where it goes

ALWAYS this accept leads to peace

 

 

Hole in the Shitbag

The  teachings are so exquisite lined up for me. Not so pleasurable in the middle of it though-

At the writer-forum, I made a decision that spurred an unbelievable chaos and  confusion, and which was judged by many – and also supported by others, who messaged me: “I am with you to the end.” I used the toxic comments to see how they mirrored toxic beliefs in the mind – one about “passive aggression” struck a chord 🙂 I sure have judged my aggression – I saw that I had  even connected it to being killed, if I let it out. I decided that enough is enough – I would much rather be straight and real than “nice.” Making that decision gave a felt sense of peace and smiles.

In the night, listening to John Mark Stroud’s “deepenings” of The Way of Mastery, lesson 11 a, Jeshua talked about the importance of finding the roots of our affliction, and I prayed to find the roots to the chaos, fear and toxicity I was experiencing. I was taken down to a decision to want to be punished for “my” guilt – it felt like I carried the world’s guilt on my shoulders, and it felt very convincing. I was shown that I had created a dark being to scare me and “punish” me – and was helped to see that this was my creation – so it was mine to uncreate. Not Leelah-mine – it was created by the One Mind behind time and space as a way to separate from God, to truly explore all the feelings that were a consequence of that decision. ” Do you still value exploring them?” asked Love, and no. I truly don’t. It felt like I had found the root of it, and allowed it to be uprooted.

There was also a clear insight of the unreality of this “me” – this Leelah. These feelings and experiences do not belong to personalities or “separate” beings – they come through us to be played out, to be experienced, and ultimately, to be released.We are not limited bodies, we are the Loving Space the bodies float in.

Just sharing this here brings a delicate release and joy

I then had a dream where a powerful wizard like man with a disgusting way of sexual innuendo made passes, and my anger erupted like a fire storm. I woke up, and decided I want to be real and not hide it behind nice: I now know who I am, and Who loves me and supports me – and that They come when I call on them.

And then Love gave me this hilarious sign and symbol on the bus-station:

The shit is out of the pretty-bag

This is a doggy bag. In pretty pink. It’s not inside the littler box, but on top of it – right in front of me, not to be overlooked. And there’s a big hole in it: the shit is out now:)

No more inside  pink sweetness

I giggled all the way to town

Squahed centipede

My son I law is 50 next summer. I have planned a gift which will honor him as a father,friend,dancer and Lieutenant Colonel. I had made numerous ideas, sketches and intuitions on some papers, and hid them when he came visiting. Today a new great idea came, and I could not find those darn papers.

I noted with interest how I instantly went into the old well-known mode of hating myself as the first correct thing to do. Then came the disaster stories – and gradually,  the idea that these somehow belonged to “me.” I watched “me” getting really angry, looking and watching everywhere, noticing the sensations becoming murky and acidly in the body. And decided that it was enough of that – and found myself telling myself that I looked forward to finding those papers and smiling and that it would happen in perfect timing.

Then I found myself open a cupboard which was a very illogic place for putting papers – and there they were, on top of a stack of plates.

It took 3 seconds from I stated my new intention to I found them

It is possible that I will drop the drama next time I search for something

*

Now, a dream from last night:

I am cleaning the space around my child’s bed – she is about 12 in the dream. Lots of old dust  around the head side of the bed –  beanpoles, centipedes – creepy crawlies, the Native Indians call them. Both my daughter and I hate hate hate creepy crawlies.

A centipede runs away from the bed – it senses that I am out to hate and kill, and runs. I find a stick and hit it. Again and again. It is disgusting, it bursts, but it still is alive, and I hate what I am doing but in my mind there is no alternative to creepy crawlies than to kill them and the more I hit the bigger it grows. It now has the distinct head of a porcupine.

I wake up

The more I tried to kill it /resists it, the bigger it grows…yes, I just made it real by resisting it. All the self-hatred and disgust that the Son of God has believed is his identity as a separated  somebody is projected into a world of forms where we now can watch what we have created: now the disgust and self-hatred is projected on the “other” – but as our bodies also are just thoughts in the One mind projected out, our bodies also hide our self-hatred and disgust and shame to a certain degree and put it into muscles,bones and blood

What is Cancer, if not cells attacking other cells in the same body?

What is illness, if not projecting our guilt and perceived sinfulness into our body? We have our own crawlies inside as bacteria. Some  are “good”, some are bad – the body could not live without the “good” ones – yet it is just a reflection of the basic ego thought of kill or be killed.

Good God what a thought-system we believe in – no wonder we fear a god who could be thought to create such a world

I am lying in bed and allowing the ravaging pains in the body — and forgiving myself for believing in the first Tiny Mad Idea

Violently repressed and denied, now sensed inside this body – kept there until I am willing to take the projection back and see that it is just a false thought, part of the insane thought system of the ego.

Waves of sickness and shooting pains rise to the surface – is seen through and released

I remember the image of the growing centipede’s body being smashed to pulp and still, agonized, living – but  seen now, although it appeared completely real, it was just a dream.

This is how the world was – and is – made, ac.to the Course: we believed in the tiny mad idea-thought and took it seriously – and then, using the will God has given us with its all-encompassing power, it becomes our perception and experience.

It is all Maya, appearances

It feels like I am bathed in sweet mercy lying here and just allow what goes on in the muscles – not resisting anything of it – allowed now, to be, to be released

And also seeing that REAL, IT IS NOT – just as the squashed body of the centipede morphing into a porcupine was not REAL, but an image from my mind projected into my dream.

As long as we believe these images are real it becomes our experience

It is an image, believed in – representing false thoughts about shame and violence – just as the world is an image of separation, believed in and experienced as real – and I love to notice that as I go back to the mind and forgive the images I/we have made, with the power God has given me/us, the world becomes beautiful

The image of the porcupine touches me deeply, and allows me to see yet another mechanics of repression: outside our home where I lived from  I was 2-6 years, porcupines were flattened by cars each day. My cousin and I shoveled them up and buried them in our garden, and sung very sad psalms for them. It comforted me: my own experience of being crushed daily was reflected in the spiky squashed bodies, and the psalms felt purifying. Now at least, the pain was expressed – and at the same time, I could keep the terrible fact hidden, that it was me that was crushed.

Well – that is the psychological reason. The real reason, as non dualism sees it – is the deep unconscious guilt in the mind from believing we had left Heaven and deserved all  possible punishment

Reminding myself again: it is a dream

And I truly want to wake up and recognizing mySelf as the One dreamer

*

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Cramps – healing

In the night, a toe is bending over its neighbor, strong cramp-pain. To this pain, an automatic response: I love you I love you I love you! I bend forward, holding the toe – and recognizing that there was just a choice for love and not going into frenzy.

It abates.Whatever caused that cramp, received the love and responded with relaxation. It happens without being labeled, or having to figure out what caused it and have it fixed. Love was called for and answered.

Two well-known pain-containers in the body – the place of attachment of the legs to the torso, and the neck – are filled up with   heavy pain. I am filled with gratefulness for the process – I know this is pain leaving. The “me” is insisting: “I did this. I healed this. I am so proud and special!” Witnessing the voice and smiling. There is a distinction between controlling the process and pain by “understanding” it -and  just noticing, being aware of a healing process. Allowing.Allowing.Allowing. With the allowing comes gratefulness – for being part of a movement of healing…of something so old – so held – in the mind – and so judged – now let out of prison –

and now, a wave of sick fear, a belief: “Ohmygod I am setting the devil free” -waves of sickness…and the knowing that this is Grace and not devil:  devil-cast is made to look like that by judgment

Now: images of hanged bodies…allowing them to pass through, forgiving the images … effortless gratefulness for choices to explore archetypes in this life…the image of The Hanged Man, one of the Great Arcana of the Tarot: he hangs also – but with the head down, and his one foot touching the other knee’s inside – just as my position  in bed  has been the last year…new thoughts about specialness and pride –

new image: a skeleton crouching underground in the cold winter – standing above him, a poor couple of peasants- for me, this drawing by Th.Kittelsen is a symbol of spiritual poverty and fear –

I am being with this intense cold pain that seems to fill out the whole of my physical body – and it just feels like a gift of Grace to welcome it and allow it to leave. Nothing to fix – nothing to do  – just be – and now, a barrage of shoulds and oughttos  – just thoughts connected to this archetype flowing through the mind

Blessings…and the knowing that all this happens to no-one – that makes all the difference –

the belief in the value of repressing and denying our connection to Love is allowed to be seen as just a thought of no value –

simplicity

forgiveness of old cherished beliefs as part of the me-structure –

“When I lay myself to rest

14 angels stand around me

2  smiling by my left side

2 at my right side

2 guarding at my pillow

2 at my feet

2 cover me

2 wake me up

and one shows me all the paradises  of Heaven*

a strong AMEN reverberates through me

this is done

*

*Freely translated from H.Wergeland

Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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