Sore Thumb

This morning I am musing over what I have called “ The False Helper” inside – that part of us who finds her worth through helping others. Nothing wrong in helping – but the premise is false: our worth is given us by God, and only we can remove it by believing our scary thoughts.

Yesterday at bed time, it felt like my right thumb just crumbled and broke. I “saw” inside that the bones were in bits, and terror started its course: “you should have taken the Osteoporosis medicine! This is all your stupid fault! “ Instead of directly going to the Source by being still and breathing and asking for help to see this as Christ does, I agonized. Cause something in me thinks “this is me.” That something is addicted to the “me” that suffers. And so what cleared up this confusion this time was the reminder “ this is A PART OF ME” that thinks and feels it is broken, unrepairable, hopeless – and I am the observer of that part, I can be with it, find where it sits in the body, how old it is, talk to it: “ I see you, I am here to support you, I am not going anywhere…What are you here to tell me, to show me? Where are you in my body? What do you express through having that symptom? What do you need?

That part has feelings that has been denied and repress, maybe even dissociated. When it can speak and express, and we listen with deep compassion, it heals. There are no shoulds and oughtos from the Observer -us – who might feel like a wise Fairy Godmother. “ OF COURSE you would feel like that. Of course you would hate that person. Of course you could not say anything at that time when it happened – that would not have been safe. Is that true?” And we just listen and listen, it is a PART of us that speaks, she has been made up by our beliefs and our family’s beliefs  and our cultures beliefs about what is important and necessary.

But this bundle of thoughts and beliefs still stick with us until we turn around and embrace it.

I have a million of parts. It does not really matter what they have been doing, the soul has wanted experience. It has learned through us what the consequences are. Now it has learned and can choose again. But first I must listen to those parts with love, dialogue with them. And as an artist, my favorite way of doing that is to create images of the feelings and allow stories to come – so there need not be so much “figuring out” to do.

Back to the sore thumb -Jeshua tells me in this month’s lesson in Way of Knowing that the very tough situation/feeling we think we are in, can be the very stepping stone into Love: I now see the consequences of choosing separation and I can choose again.  “ OH” How great! I see the sore thumb as a metaphor of the thought “ I am broken!” There is a part of me who thinks she is broken, and she is fusing with me, identifying with me – I ask her gently to de-fuse so I can see her clearly. Then I can listen and support her in whatever she is feeling, letting her know that those feelings were the exact feelings to feel in that situation – hate, fear, rage. Whatever – of COURSE you would feel like that. What would you have needed most in that situation? Could you express that?” and so on.

And for the thousandth time, I see how that PART of me created a safe identity for herself – by paying attention to others’ needs instead of her own, which she stuffed away. Huge love for that part. Of course she did that – what a great way to survive in that family.

I watch her stomping and raging and screaming right now, and I encourage her to do just that. She calms down after a while, and can now sense the Love around her. Which is the Love and safety that is always there , under all my judgment.

With the thumb here, I realize that that time this part/child felt crushed and broken and fragmented, she thought she was without help from God, and she thought she was guilty and deserved it, and therefore she was wrong and hateful. Seeing these thoughts now can be the very stepping-stones to turning it around: Oh I love that this thumb seems broken – without it, I would not have seen where it comes from in my mind! This is amazing! I appreciate you, thumb, I can love that “broken part” with all my heart, and I can DECIDE to ask for help now to see all of this differently – thank you Spirit for setting this up.I will decide what I will perceive. –And then Jeshua writes: “ Appreciation and Love and limitlessness require the Universe ( including our bodymind) to show up in a different way.”

Yes please! Send it right over

So exactly THAT which I want to avoid –  emotions, terror, pain, problems –  is with Jeshua THAT place where I now can choose Love instead.

The thumb is a bit sore, but inside it looks whole and healthy. Great healthy bones.

You Are Eternal

I have just lived through what will be an added last chapter to “When Fear Comes Home To Love” – see the right menu.

I am working with Tapas Fleming on a root memory/trauma in my mind: that of trusting somebody in power completely – and then, when trusting, open and vulnerable, to be attacked viciously. What did I tell myself when that happened? “I must never let up my guard again – always expect the worst.”

Tapas tell me to speak to those parts of my mind who believe this – and in that second, I SEE them: great crowds of people with that bodymind-pattern. I see and sense them surrounding me, and everything in my mind focuses on THIS moment and the opening for healing – on a personal and collective level.

“What I would like those parts to notice” says Tapas, talking to the parts on my behalf, “is that even though you were tricked and shocked, and even though you decided never to let up your guard again – what would be good for you to notice about yourself, is that actually you are eternal. – Even though all of that happened, it is not happening NOW – and you were not what you were involved in.”

While she speaks, I SEE the crowd instantly realizing – knowing that they ARE eternal. The energy in the crowd is vastly changed – like it was just a dream and they have awakened.

And – I needed to be seen as eternal. It is beyond beautiful to BE SEEN in that identity.

I have been dreaming and I am awake now

The shift from the victim identity to Christ/Self

Under my navel, where there was a demonic wolf-like being, is now a LOVE-sun, radiating its light into this body. The crowd is conveying, “Although we were shocked, shocked is not what we are and what we are, can not be shocked.”

The shift is utterly complete – in that one second when we heard and believed, “I am eternal.”

I sense all the stories and false identities that they/we/were temporal and not eternal, melt away. I sense their overflowing gratitude to Tapas for the reminder, and for me to holding all of that so we all could benefit in this way.

Just writing this down, I feel the sun in my belly again. It is much more than warmth. It is wordless all -encompassing love.

All the feelings I have had of being distrusted and disrespected by everybody have disappeared. It all came from inside my mind, through this link to the persons sharing the imprint of never to fully trust again.

I am as God created me. I am created in His image.

“And now we come together to bless – what we judged and hated, we are now here to bless it all” the crowd conveys.

“It’s so beautiful. It’s a blessing for me to be with you” says Tapas.

I watch ancestral lines wake up and hooraying – not yelling, just pure relief of not being caught in dream-hell anymore. No need to go into bodies to hide from a vengeful god anymore – unless we want to. We just need to be Who we are – and extend that Love.

*

What Tapas did first in our session was to “scan” me – and she noticed that my pineal gland  had some attacking energy right around it. It was tired and worn out. When she mentioned it, I sensed the old old presence of “evil” and “dangerous” and weird. We included the pineal and “the attacker” in our invitation to parts that were offered ways to heal.

This morning, I went to the Pineal and checked – is the craziness there still?

IT HAS GONE.

The thing is – I have always checked after all my other sessions and healings – and this has always been left. Now I know why: I had hooked into our common angst. Now this healing has touched the collective, and the ones involved who were attached to me, aren’t any longer.

The story has played itself out

The energy of the Pineal is still tired – but not awaiting attack anymore. It just needs rest.

So I will rest

 

Blessings to you all

 

Leelah

 

 

 

My innocence

Dear Holy Spirit

Reveal my innocence to me

As long as I don’t acknowledge it, I believe I am guilty

And so I project my unconscious guilt on others – good strategy as ego, but impossible to wake up

When others projects their guilt on me and I fell MEAN and BAD: it is the greatest gifts I could receive. Now ( no, I still cannot do is AS it happens, but when I am alone, I can) – now I can allow that feeling to come to the surface. Sit with it in great patience, letting it unfold, letting it melt: In this allowing, I am sitting in God’s arms.

Which is really my own Self’s embrace.

With a full heart I now thank those who played the roles of betrayers: you know, the ones you share complete and utter love and Unity with. The one moment they talk to you and tell you that there are no words for this Love, and that it will never change. They might be on the other end of the world in a phone, you still feel the connection, and you are not mistaken: this is the real thing – this is God’s impersonal Love where all is included –  you two too:)

The other person then makes a spontaneous promise to do something for you, to send you something as a symbol for this love.

It never comes

You start to make stories about it – guilt is distributed.

You send him a “reminder”… it comes from fear and distrust, but you do your best to pretend you don’t mind – you are really spiritually above this –

He makes promises – it still does not come

Then:you  suddenly truly KNOW inside that this – his “betrayal” – IS the gift – but the ego is clever in its insisting that nonono, he has betrayed the Love and betrayed his promise.

But what if his REAL promise was to play this disgusting role of the betrayer?

Now you know he is NOT -so AT LAST you can allow the very feeling you always avoided like the plague – (and which therefore was repeated in countless incarnations . . . ) to fully be allowed and felt

Are you starting to giggle now?

Good:)

Welcoming Home the feeling of being betrayed:

Here it is.

Body starting to itch – your eyes feel like exploding – your bone-structure is creaking – something unfathomable old and tired and angry is moving behind your heart – your head, lead heavy – tears are coming – images of tired multitudes  of refugees in the desert – have faith, you are soon coming to the Red Sea, big surprise is waiting

The insight that you have carried this false belief as a body-mind: I am limited to what the ego tells me through its play of illusion, its razzle dazzle convincing appearances. But I have chosen this: to experience the consequences of this belief that it is possible to exist outside of God’s eternal Love.

To be one who is betrayed.

Nay – 🙂 it is not so ( I think Moses is speaking inside) – They are only ever reflecting back to me what I think is real. Now I can discover it, FEEL it fully as it leaves.

Thank you, Beloved, for playing this yucky role.

I am the Source of my experiences

I extend forgiveness to my self for creating this

I bless it –  and all the “betrayers” – “myself” included – with the Blessing of Christ.

I release you to be your Self

And I let it go in Peace

AMEN

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Being with

Woke up from a recurrent dream of having to control my daughter, or else – catastrophe. I explored it with Kit in our Skype session today – and very fast we recognized – again – that all that is required for healing – and peace – is just sitting with the sensations in the body. The ego goes frantic, tells me I have to figure out and understand –  but the impulse from inside is. just be with it.

As I share the dream with Kit, i sense the familiar sense of urge,frenzy, “don’t interrupt me i have to speak now or else” – and suddenly I am not willing to have it drive me any longer. I stop and breathe and allow myself to receive Kit’s loving small remarks – and it feels as if I have broken an ago-old pattern of trusting the collective demand: only if you understand something can healing happen. Only by “figuring out”  – that is, using the intellect …

Now i just rest in the awareness of what goes on in the body while this pressure-slavedriver is running the body mind: calmly observing pains and aches all over. Anti-achievment.  Most humans I know think we have to “dull” reality, or we get lost in chaos and pain

It is so very clear that “having to understand” really means “control.”And of course we can’t control life – but this impossible demand that we should be able to, creates nightmares like i have, where i project what I think needs to be controlled on my daughter.

There is this collective delusion: I have to do something – add something to a conversation, a relationship – there is a deadly fear beneath it: a fear of life as it is – a dulling of it – to put something on top of reality is to dull it, cover it up, making it manageable in our mind

The ego wants to achieve something – add something to what is

What happens now – in the body? is what I want to be with. And as my 20 minutes goes to an end, I know that an old pattern of control has been seen through and found useless.

“And you had that insight just by sitting with it” said Kit.

Trust – to life – without adding any thing. Projections gone – at least for now:)

*

Later in the session, a pattern of searching out guilt becomes evident. And the old judgment of doing that – such an un-spiritual thing to do, Leelah! – melts when it becomes evident that children are taught to do that to feel safe with angry parents/others: an “I am sorry, my fault” defuses the anger from the possible attacker.

Getting stuck in the pattern comes with a huge cost, though – and we do get stuck if we haven’t felt and allowed the huge fear beneath it: to be annihilated.

*

As always: nice synchronicity and timing: I got this from Gangaji right now:

In recognizing yourself as life itself, you are put rightside up. You freshly live your life, rather than thinking it and then trying to live according to those thoughts. You directly experience your life, and insights naturally follow that experience. The thinking mind becomes the servant—rather than the master—to the direct experience of life.

A fulfilled life is a life of discovery and exploration. It may be touched with excitement or fear or desire, but at the core it is filled with peace, and delight.

We meet in wonder of this mystery that we have named “Life.”

It’s a free life… it’s your life.

 

Relationship with parents – and God

Michael talk about how our relationship with our father shapes our real relationship with God.

Mine was conscious adoration – and subconscious terror, because my father would turn in a millisecond from being Love to turn to insane attacker.

Having heard this now from this video sent big ripples in my body-mind – and gave me a great forgiveness-opportunity in my mind

Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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