Reykjavik

Yesterday I watched a movie about a man dying from cirrhosis. He was drinking constantly, and smoking too – and when I left the movie theater I found myself crossing the street to the bar right outside the theater. I just felt that I had to have my favorite pizza – and a glass of red.

It just didn’t taste as it used to

The rest of the day was beyond disgusting horrible, the body felt like shit and dying – and then I had the healing dream.

I dreamed I was in Reykjavik, and everything was a chore and a dread – the agonized kind. When I woke up and asked for help, I was told to sit up and take my wise-notes-book. It said: “Let yourself allow to be loved by us.”

Immediately I realized: Reykjavik. That word is very similar to smoking in my language.

Now I realized: I had identified with the main character – it was him who wanted that glass of wine. It was “his” feelings and sensations I experienced the whole day. And he was clinically dying.

In bed it now came to me that I had wanted  – and CHOSEN – to identify with my parents when I started to smoke. I was ten! They both smoked at that time.  My father had to have an oxygen tank at home his last days. He smoked at the hospital, and he smoked at home. I recognize the need to anesthetized oneself.

I stated my willingness to let go of all the energy structures that my father mirrored for me. Soon the image of a huge black snake appeared around my midsection. I saw that I had needed that to stop my breath from going deep, just like they did. I wanted to BE like them, to not be separate in any way.

It took quite a while, this process. I was now aware that whatever happened in the bodymind belonged to that drinking/smoking-field/gestalt, so I did not have to take it seriously. And after a long while, I noticed the stream of love filling the body

It is very good for me to remind myself that whatever unpleasantness seeming to go on in this bodymind, IS an identification with something that is already over – a false identification

The Space where I Am

Many years ago, in a session with a student, I found myself speaking about “God being in the spaces  between everything.” It resonated strongly for both of us – and recently, about 25 years later, John Mark Stroud lead a webinar where he led us into this incredibly simple and clear journey from body mind-identification, to fully dissolving our self into this Space.

We were invited to sense into this Space. Within a minute, it was clear that it had always been here –  had no end or borders – was completely loving, allowing and embracing of everything. Timeless, deathless.

And one could lean back and rest profoundly in it – and at the same time be aware of the turmoil and pain in the world.

We were asked to train in going from body-awareness and out into this Space/Self – and back again, to truly experiencing the different states of mind

And after just a few minutes it was clear how we all, as “bodies” have exactly that selfsame space inside up – just think about the spaces within each atom: it looks like a Universe.

The bliss that came from that

oh –

Now – where do I choose to rest my awareness?

I am practicing 🙂

White horses in the night

Dream

Dark night in the snowy wood. No flashlight, but feeling confident. Not cold. Suddenly, there is a glowing bowl of fire under the snow. It rolls! It knows where it goes, it knows it purpose! A wind of freedom soars through the wood, and there are horses – all shining white in the darkness – , they run 3 feet OVER the snow, oh, their manes – alive  – they know their purpose too –

Then I am out of the wood, and it is seven to nine -still light, no snow here – is it day or night, i don’t know –

right behind me are soldiers, and they seem more like freedom fighters, not serving the government – they have blown up something, and the building beside me is the Police Department, or is it the Ministry of Defense 🙂 I see windows blown up, but the damage seems “civil” to me – done with consideration 🙂

The  white horses are surely in team with the disruptors

*

Last night I followed a teleclass with Zach Rehder –

this is a wonderful demonstration of how his work dismantles old defense patterns. Afterwards, I felt completely overwhelmed, and very close to panic. So I sat myself down and asked for help – breathed into the feelings/sensations, and heard: ” Fill your heart with Love for this scared little part of you.” As I did, it became so clear that I AM this Love and not the scared part. The scared part had come to life because of belief  in separation in my mind – and seen from this loving ME, it was a thought I forgave – it seemed silly.

I remembered my Identity in God, and I forgave my fear-creations and my identification with them all – look where it has brought me – to this sacred moment 🙂

The sensations in the body-mind, that before always have led to psychotic episodes or months of panic and anxiety, this time was seen as an unreal creation with no power except the one I had given it by believing in it

I went to bed, I rested in God

and then the dream happened

Now, the further work – to truly embrace the fear-energies when they come – and forgiving myself if I start to believe in their stories again

The Archetypal Onion

Waking up wanting to die. Kind nudge from Self to get up. Oh no, I must have more sleep/rest. Smiling Voice: Whatever you choose, you are completely loved.
Slept one more hour – waking up with same crappy feeling. Now more motivated to listen:“Get up, drink water, and open up to this suicidal feeling. Remember this practice from lesson 13 of The Jewel of the Christ:

This must be the experience I most need to be having right now,
as more of Christ Mind is birthing into, and through me.
Only Love is Real.
Thank you, Lord, thank you, thank you.

Last of all, begin to pay attention to how you respond to contexts that are less
than peaceful, whether such moments arise in you, or another. See if you can
‘catch the beat’ of habit that leads down the path of ‘story’, attempts to ‘feel
better’, or to ‘fix’ it.
Instead, breathe, and ask the three questions we began with:

~ what specific sensations are occurring in the bodymind?
~ what specific thoughts?
~ what specific qualities of breathing?”

After doing this, I am nudged to use the Emotion Code Method again- and I discover that the laminated chart I made, has two sides: the one I am pointed to now, has a choice of “Trapped Emotion Flow Chart.” That is one level deeper than the one yesterday.Becoming aware of this, my body responds with a released sigh.
(I described the first part of this process on my blog:

https://ninotchka44.wordpress.com/20…-emotion-code/

As as a Therapist for 28 years now, and also a student of the Jewel Course, I find this simple practice with a pendulum and a magnet excellent, and right up there with Radical Inquiry. For me, it goes even more to the roots, since it bypasses much psychological resistance. So here is what you can do if this resonates with you:

Emotion Code: google it or/and Dr. Bradley Nelson

And the Magnet:

google Nikken products MagDuo

You can google “how to learn dowsing” or search “dowsing” or “muscle-testing” on You Tube – and if you don’t find it easy, find an Emotion code practitioner. It’s even possible to get a session for free with a practitioner on the website .
In my mind, dowsing with a pendulum can be learned if you intend to

The process today continues what happened yesterday: Then I found shock as the very root – today I release three more “onion layers/feelings”: self-hatred – dread – and confusion. I know mentally that the next ones are hopelessnessness/powerlessness, and the outer layer:aggression/violence in the forms of fundamentalist religions.

Today I have practiced the prayer that Jeshua taught in the Way of Mastery, the Forgiveness Chapter:

I am the Source of this situation.
I judge you(situation) not. I extend forgiveness to myself fo what I have created. I embrace you and I love you and free you to be yourself. And I bless you with the blessing of Christ.”
Then see that image or memory gently dissolve into Light until there is no trace of it left,and be done with it.”

*
As I am diving into the archetypes, Jeshua is pointing to our 25 year-long exploration, with patients/students and in my own process, described in my book “When Fear Comes Home to Love”

When Fear Comes Home to Love: The healing gifts... When Fear Comes Home to Love: The healing gifts…

– and that the archetypes explored in that many-year long process, have the latest days spiraled down to its very roots. My stomach always crawls when I mention my book, because this is making me visible as something positive -and within this archetypal onion, visible means either a dictator or a victim. It also touches a very common “law” in the human mind: “who do you think you are? Do you believe you are better than us?”I am not better than. Self has written this book through Leelah, who was willing to have that happen.

I open my wise-quote notebook randomly, and find Jeshua’s words again: -“Whenever you extend forgiveness inside your consciousness, your emotional field, to another, whether they be physical present or not, you are extending to them exactly as if they were physical present in front of you.” The he adds, “They still have to receive it, don’t they!”

So now I extend forgiveness to myself for choosing to believe in my smallness and for identifying with the archetype Child, described in my book – and for using other people to prove to me that I am powerless.

And choosing again: I choose to be open to notice- and actively receive – all the positive changes lately

Since I did this this morning, the rest of the day I have found myself suddenly bursting out in tears by reading a sentence in a book or paper – something is so ready now to be released and it feels so wonderful.

There is also TIREDNESS

Edit/Delete Message

The iceberg

What I share, I own. So I will share the dream that played out this early morning – that my daughter really would prefer me to be dead, except for Christmas…

This is MY perception of my daughter. Thank God it is not a true perception. It is the role I have projected on her – reflecting a false belief I have been clinging to as “me” :” It is dangerous to receive Love, I am not worthy.”

I woke up with this atomic strong urge – “YOU HAVE TO LOVE ME- YOU MUST LOVE ME’ “and it was easy to see that the very center of pain  came from the lungs and  the shield around the heart – with the chronic painful cough and the breath that is so constricted. The pain  felt like a full-blown heart attack  – a mammoth stepped on my chest, and I knew that if  I succumbed to that feeling, believing I was this body, I would be dead within 10 seconds.

But all parts of me did not accept that this was true: I am not a body, there is no death in Christ. I recognized the agonized crushed feeling was just a replay of the tremendous fear during the attack in the wood,* where I certainly knew that I was close to death -and I had made it mean that I was guilty and sinful and deserved it, when my mother did not comfort me and  listen to what I had experienced when I returned home from the wood. This is what the Holy Son of God believed at the perceived separation from God: I have sinned! I am guilty beyond any measure – and now He hates me – I am out of His favor and His love – for ever

Now, when the catastrophic feeling at last was allowed in its full measure, Life poured into the iron armor of holdings around the heart –  seeping into those muscle tensions that were created, when I projected my unwillingness to love myself, on my family – and later have projected outside on “enemies” to attack me

And so it is, in this world: attack, or be attacked

I thank Jesus for his Course in Miracles that allowed me to gradually change my mind and perception with its 365 lessons

I believe that the one reason that heart attack did not kill me, is that I recognized it as coming from a false thought: I am not worthy of love. Parts of me believed that strong enough to project a dream where my main mother projection, my daughter, said what I have projected her to say – so I could recognize my error in perception when I woke up and allow the armor around the heart to melt.

There is One Mind, and we are all it

The pains can have no effect on me if I stop believing in the false stories of the ego. Right now, the energies are working through my body as sunrays shining on an iceberg. The frozen structure answers with sensations – and if I believed in the stories about a separated me and guilt, the pain would be atrocious – as the first experience of heart pain when I awoke from my dream. As just witnessing right now in gratitude and wonder, pain is seen as springtime: the buds may be afraid of opening, but they will anyway

Again and again I notice that I stop breathing – and again and again Spirit gently prompts me to breathe into these old holdings in the body mind, allowing Love to penetrate them gently. He reminds me of Shem – the Love within the breath, the Life that breathes everything. I cannot exist without that life force: when I believe it, I am dreaming my dream.

Gentle breath after gentle breath, breathing itself into welcoming body mind.

The ego does its best to convince me to demonstrate complete awakening here and now – oh, hilarious

The ego further wants me to believe that I must be completely pain free to prove that I am  healed – but the ego IS the very thought system that things take time and “pains” should not be there.

Without the judgment, and the resistance it creates, I am just here – being lived with. And the parts of me that have believed in, and identified with those ego thoughts- those are the one coming up to the surface of the iceberg, asking to be gently looked at and released

Allowing healing is a choice – allowing the sun to melt it – is a choice. I choose to share this process because it is true and real, demonstrating what simply exists at the bottom of the iceberg -and allow it to be as it is*

(PS-I had to delete the photo of the Iceberg  for copyright reasons. Here’s a link to its site: notice the proportions –

https://www.google.no/search?q=ralph+clevenger+iceberg&ie=utf-8&oe=utf-8&gws_rd=cr&ei=Pl7wVe6_FMWfsAGIrKeoBg

What is Real was always here and will never change. My body will respond to the in-pouring of Love, and every second of the healing process is precious.

I write this down for ME: I need to remember this place I am right now – when the spell of the ego seems to be stronger than truth, where I still prefer, as the collective unconscious, to dream up impossible dreams of separation.

Blue is playing ( long time ago)

Lesson today in A Course in Miracles: “I am not a body. I am free.”

In the evening, I am looking at “Joan of Arcadia” on TV. Joan’s class is performing a play. Their finale-song goes: “We are not flesh and blood. We are love!”

*This episode has a whole chapter in “When Fear Comes Home to Love – a chapter that also demonstrates that the Divine, in whatever form we can accept, is present always – and can be called upon later – like NOW – to transform the dark energies in the cell memory.

Transformation

I want to share a piece from Sarita’s web cast last month I asked about communicating with an inner image , if that was not “making it real,” and she answered:

My understanding of making it real is saying that it is the cause of our experience. But when we acknowledge something in this way, (meaning communicating with inner images,) we acknowledge it as an effect that we have created. However, we are here to embrace creations – Jeshua says in Way of Mastery that we can’t transcend what we haven’t embraced, so we come to rest back in the Noticer so we can see and hold the enfolding, the respect, the allowance – the love, cause that’s what respect and allowance is -allow something to unfold itself – a love that IT IS – that is when genuine transcendence happens. So far from making it real, we’re seeing through the surface of appearance of something with power over us, or something we need to resist, or being made to feel a certain way by. We can stay a whole day in resistance to that pain in our shoulders – and in that way making it real. While when we bring curiosity, innocence and presence to it – then we are the Holder and the Unfolder of it. -If you have something in you looking like a wood-creature( I had just shared this with her) beautiful – this is one of your “lost sheep” simply awaiting your curiosity, your holding space for gentle inquiry, your nonjudgmental “being with.” And that will allow that aspect of you to enfold from a way it was stuck in the past, continue to unfold and be with you, bringing more of yourself into the journey of being Christ – you enfold these aspects of yourself.

After having listened to this again in my recorder, this happened:

I found – and SAW – my main resistance or guardian in my bodymind. I recognized that he was camping right next to a suffering part – and that he was, in fact, established as my defense creation next to each suffering part – as I guess it is, in the split mind we all share.

I have constructed, projected and created him to say NO to Light -which he thinks is deadly – confusing it with his image of a vengeful wrathful god.

I gave him a loving Space and just waited

This time, truly wanting to BE with, not wanting to fix

I became aware of how excruciatingly much energy it takes to keep this defense-pattern up – and I became aware of how much energy I have given this pattern throughout centuries – and how it has gone on automatic in humanity – fleeing from pain, seeking pleasure

*

Then, from one second to the next:

it is not there

Only unfathomable Light is there

I tune into it, and see that it realizes that it – the guardian-part – is not needed – just mind guarding against its inherent essence of Being and Beauty

The phone/landline/ rings

I run to pick it up, and catch it just as a female automatic message voice says its last word:

GoodBye

*

Not only is it hilarious – truly one of Blue’s most beautiful playful synchronistic pointers to me* – I also understand how effective it is for me to say GOODBYE to stuff I let go of: it establishes me as the chooser to let go – it is active

*

In “When Fear Comes Home to Love”, I have spiced the text with numerous examples of Blue’s playful synchronicities in my daily life – helping me to “not take it so serious”

 

 

Healing our view of the world

This is Tapas Fleming, one of the great spiritual teachers on this globe. She has truly demonstrated how to heal herself and to see herself as God has created us – and we who have learned this simple method are in awe of its practicality and simplicity – and its efficiency to change what is not beneficial, into health and happiness. I can’t count the times when doing TAT has changed for good sickness and pain – and negative habits and conditions – in my life.

Doing this video, you will join with thousands of people and TAT-practitioners all over the world who use this very simple method of doing a pose and stating certain beliefs/statements, while holding certain acupressure points that help the bodymind process what you say.

I cried all the way through doing this – the feeling of connecting to our true nature is tremendous for me.

(The method is freely down loadable on www.TATlife.com

 Click on “How to do TAT on a stressful event” and get the method for free in your mailbox.)

http://myhome.tatlife.com/home/24va/order

Birds under water

 

It has been there as long as I can remember. A strong pain in the butt, spreading down the thighs on the backside – maybe it started when I was maybe 8? I needed desperately to find a place where my mom and I could connect *- and I found one: my mother and I were in the living room, and a black spider – in my memory as big as a grown fist – crawls on the carpet.

She screams! So I scream too – we can connect in fear! THAT is our connection. We look at each other in perfect agreement of how dreadful spiders are, and how allowed it is to scream when one sees them.

*The connection I got with my mom was via fear. I scream and jump and shiver – just like my mom. THIS IS SAFE.

This is love, I tell myself. I believe I don’t have a connection to God – so I MUST have a connection with my mother. We connect in FEAR – so now FEAR has taken the place of Love in my mind as my refuge. Now I share this fear with another – that is love.

In my child’s mind, this connection with Mom is valuable beyond means. It is life-saving: it gives me a space to connect with her, to bond, and only in this connection do I not disassociate from the daily horrors going on that nobody must know about – my mother included.

My mother always told me “now I get a pain in my butt” – and it is this pattern that I have saved, to bond with her.

I see the pattern spreading backwards through our lifetimes.

What does it mask?

What is it that we both, in reality, scream out for?

I want to sit with that for a while

And also recognizing that there is no room for God in that fear-shared space: we chose fear. Fear and Love cannot exist at the same time. It took the place of God – it became God in our mind. Now fear unites us, and we both deny our God-given connection with our Christed Self.

Subconsciously this identity – this holding on to fear-as-love – seems very valuable in my mind. And it stays there until I don’t value it any longer and let it go.

Like right now

What does it mask?

I need….I need to scream that I am terrified!

And so the innocent spider came into the space between my mother and I and allowed us to bond in the only way we were capable of right then – and gave us an opportunity to express our common fear in an acceptable manner.

The deepest need is to know that God is there to take care of me when I am terrified -*

I look into my heart, and there He is, inviting me to sit on His lap – He says: what you really are afraid of – all of you – is to come sit on my lap. You think you are so guilty – but I do not create guilt, you do.

The pain in the butt feels like dirty acid, and God tells me it does not mean anything at all.

Instantly my fear of these pains – and my making them meaningful and serious – falls away.

I realize that I am moving through layers in the elaborate fear-defense-system I have called Love

Here is an angry voice demanding that the pain shall disappear RIGHT NOW!

What does it mask?

A deep mistrust: God cannot help me. WILL not.

“Allow it all to come into your awareness” says Christ. “Leave no part of it left in the bodymind.”

I extend forgiveness to myself for what I have created: a terrified being who has no connection to God. I free me to be my Self.

A vivid image from this morning’s dream: two small birds are living under shallow water. They walk at the bottom. I put a finger down, one of the birds hacks crazily at it as if it thinks it if food. I gently lift to other bird up, it sits in my hand and looks surprised when coming into its true living space. I invite the other bird to come into my other hand, it protests as if I offer it hell. I tell it that it can come whenever it wants to. It then flops into my hand and faints. I place both birds on a soft peace of cloth before me – and the trusting bird places it’s wing over its friend.

In this moment a knowing happens in the child on God’s lap: I HAVE TO OPEN MYSELF UP TO GOD’S LOVE, AND NOT MOTHER’S. She simply CANNOT help me, since she (thinks she)misses connection to God.

The second I share this with Kit, she says:
“The second you said this, I looked at my watch, and the ciphers flickered.”

“She cannot help me.”

There it is: this belief goes through our time -line – and consequently, these are the incarnations we create to explore.

Now I see what the dream was showing me: the hand coming into the water and lifting these beings into their true element, is God’s hand. And I – and everybody denying God’s presence as their Self – are the birds, seemingly trapped in a foreign element, where they flying capacity is removed.

The one bird was ready. The other came too – and lack of trust made it faint from fear.

But all the same – it chose Love

 

*That formatting happened all on itself. In the original Word-doc it is just an italic line like all the others italic-lines – and it does not start with a big T either.

 

 

 

The survival kit

Ilona asked me to  look at what is looking:
December 6th 2012
Fear happened. A belief: “This is the only chance you get.” (being guided by you/LU.) Noticing pressure to “make it through the gate.” Noticing the pattern of mind/ego-thoughts doing its work, and recognizing with relief that there is no reason to take it personally. There were also attacking thoughts: ” see, you are just pretending. It’s just mental.”It is seen how this is natural, these thoughts showing up to “protect” the me – I am 68 years old. Well at least this body is:-)
I was Skyping with Pregunta from LU when this process described above happened. I noticed how easy it is to notice these patterns when there is another human present, who witnesses. I see how, when being alone, fear easily overwhelms me – and then the avalanche of old habitual thoughts believed to protect is allowed to come. Now, because Pregunta is there, whom I know well, its all out in the open, being allowed to be.
Now there are more resistance thoughts: “This shift should be much more like lots of the others are experiencing. Old victim-identity is obviously still here. It should NOT be here.”
But it IS only a thought – happening to no-one. Thought: “Was that clever said? Will Ilona accept it?” And the whole defense-pattern is starting the be recognized as a survival-kit for a story-figure.

The pattern lightened up the moment the thought came: to notice the silent space all these thoughts happened in – that took the reality-feeling away from the fear-thoughts. When the space opened, it was clear that the thoughts were not true, just programmed to protect the story of the sufferer. All these thoughts were intensely important to believe and follow for that me. What was real now, was seeing that the seriousness in the story belongs to the story, but is there is no real separate me that it can happen to.

And it was never a separate living self/me it WAS happening to either.

Writing this, i know it is truth – and there are a lot of sensations in the bodymind right now that are experienced.

At one point in our Skyping, a strong wish for separation and control was felt – it was believed that the peaceful space would be invaded and attacked by someone else.

Going to get something to eat. Will continue in a while.

 December 6th, 2012, 9:46 pm

The more we worked, the more the labels were noticed. I notice I notice them only when there is a sense of safety – and I notice that I think I am a me again, looking for safety – AND IT IS OK
It felt good to hug fear when it came. It really felt like “me” hugging it -then I saw that the label “hugger” came from within the story.It came as sickness and cold, and was seen to melt in acceptance. There is no me outside that story.

So I realize that as it is now, the suffering identity will probably “come back” many times, and there will be times when I do not recognize it, but eventually there will be realization. There is anger that this will take “more time.” From the view this is written, there is no time.
There is no me to be angry – but that realization shifts from being conceptual to being truly experienced.
And this is where it is right now
*
Looking at that which is looking 🙂 – I am truly looking forward to that and letting you know –

good night Ilona
Leelah

 December 7th, 2012, 11:38 am

This insight is a great gift – repeating it here:

The whole defense/control-pattern is starting to be recognized as a survival-kit for a story-figure. It goes on automatic – until it is seen as an old invention not needed NOW.

I am so very very happy about what goes on in the night healingwise – so much stuff comes up, and it is all seen as belonging to the survival-kit for “Leelah.” So it is easy to thank it then:-) and let go of it. – Oh! seeing that since I see that I don’t need a survival-kit anylonger, there simply must have been seeing through the suffering me♥♥♥

Last night a big depression/agony-thing came up. First, identification was noticed – very fast it was – asking it if it wanted to leave – in 3 seconds it dissolved, and for some time there came sickness, yawning, pains everywhere – but nothing taken serious, just energy. No judgments. Just gratefulness. Much “trying to control” came up too, and a deep gratefulness that there was nothing to control. So I hugged that mind. How tired it is from protecting the I!

Today I looked at that which is looking. Oh my you cant believe how much control there is in the physical looking – “I” am trying to control absolute everything – and then there was seen that it was possible to allow it to be for a moment – and then a moment more – and the tensions from those eye-muscles are enormous – always have been – they have learned to “not see” a zillion of things – and now there is a gradual awakening from this me-thing, and the eye-muscles are part of that. The tension from those muscles straining not to see is felt in the neck and even the torso. Right now, there is a loosening, when that old idea of protection is seen as belonging to the  separate self.

In between there are glimpses from not-strained looking – a h,  t h e r e ‘s   a   b i r d   f l y i n g – really seeing very small details – all connected to a growing feeling of safety, it feels connected to every organ and cell inside.

So looking at that which is looking and seeing is right now seeing a stressed looking and seeing, welcoming that, and a willingness to open to what is looking when the old survivalmode is not stressing it any longer

I am so happy about this

I am so happy that you give me these questions to look

I am so happy about Chris and you, Ilona

Now there is an excitement about looking, not dread and fear
warmest hugs

the clouds and the Light

Today’s lesson: 69: My grievances hide the light of the world in me


As I am sitting in the morning, allowing myself to go through and past the clouds. I sense them brushing cool around my face. The Course is saying that if I am feeling I am being lifted up, I am doing it right – and I am. Suddenly I am in that light you see when you fly above the clouds in a plane. A voice is telling me this is not the light I am looking for, so I go on. I am transported forward in great speed – and then I am at my inner altar. Here the Light is not like the light from the sun – the light is not like any earthly light at all: it is a softness, a tenderness that I am part of, it welcomes me back to safety and my heart. A Presence is here, so familiar, so infinite sweet and kind.

The ego’s presence in my bodymind is felt like cold. I ask myself if I could let go of the determination to hold on to this cold as “me” – and I can. Now the cold is still there, but there is no “me” attached to it.

Now I am aware of a kind of fighting to get the cold away recognizing the ego fighting ego. I shift my attention between the Light of Presence and the cold – back and forth, several times –  the cold is abating – and then the phone rings.

It is a shock to the nervous system. This decision for shock in this moment came through me. I must have been afraid of disappearing into the altar-light. I forgive my choice for ego and notice  I have my old symbolic bathrobe on. How effective shock is – and have been – to take me away from Home. And how much power I have given to it before – “now the darkness won again, it was stronger. I KNEW it!!!!

But now I realize that even though I don’t see the light and the altar as clearly anymore, I also do not mind the ego-cold and fear: it can be there, included – there is no me attached to it. The ego now says”OH, I GOT IT!! I am so good! I am safe!” I notice the thoughts and the cold and they just drift by: I am not that.

foto by:http://aksinya.files.wordpress.com

Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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