Hungry Ghost: seeking for Love in the wrong places

This feels monumental

My good friends Peter and Mary came for dinner. Peter asked “can I have extracreme from that Creme-siphon in the fridge on my dessert?”

Immediately I felt a strong NO-signal. I felt a simmering anger inside – a clear sign to honor that signal from my Self. I drove right over it, smiled and said yes.

He emptied that siphon. He sprayed dollop after dollop on his dessert until it was emptied -and I could not get a sound out.

This is the place in the psyche where we murder our truth. The Self says: Saying YES here allows an unconscious habit to go unnoticed – the belief that love comes from food – sugar and fat above all

The inability to say NO comes from the most stubborn pattern running through most of my lifetimes: if you say no, you are in danger of losing your life .But what that REALLY means is that I believe I am in danger of losing the love from those around me – they will certainly leave if I don’t give big YES to all they want. In my confused ego-thinking I believe that I will die if I don’t get love from from outside – since I also believe that I don’t have LOVE inside – ALL THE TIME.

It’s who I am

I noticed this fully in the night with warm waves of gratitude. Ego tells me that I override and crush MYSELF when not heeding the no-impulse from inside. I am weak, cowardly, shameful. No – correction: the crushing comes when I JUDGE myself for not saying NO.

Saying no is a mistake, not a sin to pay for – and I can choose again whenever I am ready.

Right now the JOY is so tremendous: the pain came from JUDGING my choice not to heed the inner Truth-voice.

God does not judge us for this – why would we?

It is only my judgment of this that creates this horrific fear. I have met this fear in at least 99% of my clients and students. Coincidence: I think not.

The thing is – both Peter and I feel we never have enough. We still try to fill the old bottomless suck for love that the ego felt was not provided: we are hooked into Hungry Ghost *

It feels intensely liberating to pull the projection back from Peter: he is only reflecting back to me my own “there will never be enough”-ghost/addiction. It is THIS part I me I have always feared – and throughout all incarnations projected out on rapists, killers and what have you.

It is just a thought. Believing it is Hell – watching it innocently and turning to Love instead is Heaven.

Since it is not God-created, it has no power of itself. As I withdraw my belief and power, it melts.

With deep gratitude I look at Peter’s pigging out -he is only reflecting what I still think holds value: getting what this body-me needs, outside of Love. Now I take it back and smile at it: it is not serious at all, in Reality it never happened.

Enough is enough

It feels like black asphalt waves are rolling through me, onto the Shores of Home. I see images of birds suffocating in oil-waste – for me a great symbol of how we suffocate the messengers of Truth within our soul with our misuse and waste of energy: human judgment of what IS.

I forgive myself for believing that I am not my Christ Self. I accept and receive the weaves of self-hatred that I earlier have believed is me.

In Reality, nothing happened

 

*From Wikipedia:

Hungry ghost is a Western translation of Chinese  餓鬼 (èguǐ), a concept in Chinese Buddhism and Chinese traditional religion representing beings who are driven by intense emotional needs in an animalistic way.

The Chinese concept is related to the preta in Buddhism more generally.

These beings are “ghosts” only in the sense of not being fully alive; not fully capable of living and appreciating what the moment has to offer.

The English term has often been used metaphorically to describe the insatiable craving of an addict.[1]

 

Quan Yin

Last night was one of the darkest I have had. I practiced what i found out yesterday, and the attacks became vicious. What was great was that while they were happening, there was no fear in me. But much identification with being a victim of all of that. And feeling like 500 years in the morning.

The last week i have been thinking a lot about Quan Yin – the Chinese Buddha of compassion. Always felt close to me, this one. I remember Stephen Levine talked about Quan Yin’s life story in one of the Levine’s wonderful videos, and the last week I felt a deep desire burn in me to find that story.

Today  – in the mail – was Stephen’s last book: Becoming Quan Yin – the evolution of compassion.

Sent from his sweet self to me, with his greeting: “Treasure yourself.”

Suddenly the attacks are seen in a different light. Not any longer something that I have to push away or defend from – “it shouldn’t have been here” – just something to forgive, extend love into. Not to “improve it and heal it” – to BE the Love to extends Itself.

I am half through the book. I have cried almost all the time

I am blessed

*

Dear reader of this blog: Stephen and Ondrea Levine are still alive, still teaching. One video a month is ridiculous 10 dollars. Please don’t miss the possibility to follow two of this worlds greatest teachers while they are still in their bodies.

http://www.amazon.com/Becoming-Kuan-Yin-Evolution-Compassion/dp/1578635551

http://levinetalks.com/

The Tibetan dream

After the session with Kit yesterday, where we noticed the peace and release of just noticing/looking where we were, with no judging, I woke up today with a strong dream.

I am in Tibet – for me the symbol of unfailing faith in Spirit. There are also in Buddhism many lineages and  yogic traditions where “magic” is taught: among others, levitation. In a big room, there is a woman lying on the floor. Suddenly she slides toward me – then slides back again. This repeats itself until it dawns on me that I am the one who has the power to draw her to me or push her away. “What an awesome power I have!”

When I later write the dream down, do I realize that the pulling  towards or pushing away are two ways of resistance: in Buddhism called attachment or aversion. Both stresses that there exists an I that can be the chooser.

So my practice is now to notice – look – at when I am either pulling towards me or pushing away. It is easy, because the energy of it is unpleasant. I also become aware of how strong the personality – the little self – becomes.

I will be gentle and kind toward myself and allow everything else to flow from that.

In Swedish radio this morning, they are sending a daily  direct sent program called “Wish”. They have dedicated it to the victims of  22.July 2011, and tell us that we can call in on an answering machine and make wishes for music. I call in and leave my wish for a Danish lullaby I love. Turn on “Wish” again – and hear the same guitar accompaniment as in my wish. It has the same feel and atmosphere,and even the exact same 4 notes in the start. It is called ” The Girl in the Tree” and it comforts me.

The Wisher of this song said she wanted to give comfort to us.

She did.

They also played Górecki’s “Symphony No 3 – Symphony of Sorrowful Songs. I found it on YouTube, and find it profoundly comforting.

Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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