Open Letter to a Friend with OCD

dear Victoria

this is about the place where you seem to be, where you think you are. I am working with the same issue – the willingness to realize fully that I am as God created me – that I am not my chronic lung problems, I am not a victim of it, i am not a victim of a past that my soul/Self chose from a high level to have me live through. I know i chose it to truly KNOW that I am not my experiences – I am the eternal witness/awareness of it.

This morning it became crystal clear that as long as I insist of BEING the person who has gone through all those horrors, I am denying the power God has given me. The person-me is constructed from a zillion of beliefs based on what others has told me – what media tells me – and my own conclusions of the traumatic situations I went through.. I judged them and myself and made  fear-based conclusions about what they meant about “me:” I was stupid, wrong etc.  So I  put pressure on myself to deny and repress that “stupid me” and adapt to the demands from “the others” to be accepted – and this persona, a bunch of beliefs and habits and fear based patterns, we believe to be Who we are.

I know better, and I know you do to.

Still, we hang on to them, precisely because we think we ARE that.

I have held on to the abused- tortured-traumatized-me to avoid stepping truly into my power, which is my true connection  to God acting through me. I have noticed that when I decide to do something challenging to the old pattern, fear/ lung problems act up like crazy, to “protect” me from leaving that old pattern  since this self is terrified of dying.

Still:

sometimes I have insisted of doing these things that has horrified me.The defenses – that I HAVE PROGRAMMED FROM FEAR AND IMMATURITY  – have painted all kind of catastrophes on the wall. When I have believed in those images and threats, believed them to be REAL, I have felt very bad, and then I have taken that as a sign from God that I should NOT do this.

Still, there has been this kind still Voice that has said ” You know sweetie, what if you take a chance and go there all the same. If you hurt when you get there, just return.”

So – when I have done this, the result has been fantastic: I have been with others in a new and empowered way.  have found myself speaking from my Power/my connection to Source. I have felt strong! Joyful!

The last this  I did was this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HE89f600ETA

This is one of doctor Carsten Höller’s creations at the Henie Onstad Museum.“The Slide produces a sense of loss of control and an opportunity”, as he says himself, “to experience an emotional state that is a unique condition somewhere between delight and madness.”

It took some time before I picked up my courage, as I was terribly afraid – but I did it!  and he is quite right – “state between pleasure and madness” is right. When I reached the other end, my brain convinced me that I had twisted around at least three – four times – but it was just one long turn.

And I had lost about 40 pounds, it felt like – and when I walked to the bus over a big green field with slopes, there were swallows around me. They flew 30 cm about the ground and circled me and figure-8’ed me, and I shivered and cried because they played with me – and I have not seen swallows the last 10 years and have missed them like crazy.

I knew this happened because I had left the old “safe” and anxious persona, trusting God would let me fall through it and receive me safely down at the end of it.

He did – through  a very smiling loving guide who received me.

Beloved sister: I know that my most painful experiences actually have created the greater gifts that I could not have offered now to the world. The maneuvering through all of it has made me who I am today, being able to predominantly have a loving connection to the energies in those moments of trauma. But that is only true when I am willing to have that old fear-persona-identity dissolved. Again and again recognizing that fear is not what I want, being willing to be wrong about who I am as a persona.

My The cancer and the horrible radiation-experience was turned around the moment I decided to give it all over to the Divine: “Archangel Michael, I call you forth! I want your energy to flow through this radiation-machine. I want my cells only to receive what is healing and loving.”

There was a clear light and an instant knowing that I had been heard.
And  contrary to medical science, the pain and symptoms after the radiation ended, did NOT continue the expected 14 days after the end. Meaning: so-called grave illnesses may disappear if we truly are willing to let go of your limited view of ourself.

What if God does not create illnesses – what if we do, as a way to control ourselves – and also to explore what beliefs create  pain  and illness and what dissolves them.

What if you are not under the shadow of the OCD, unless you choose to be. And I am speaking about the parts of you that still want to hang only the old identity. What if it is possible to say, “I will act as if there is no OCD that can control me, since I choose God to control me.”

That is a good question since  it makes us reflect on what we truly believe about God.

(And S/He certainly does not push us to understand NOW :))

I clearly see how I have identified with being powerless and under “others” shadow, and being safe only if I use control and my horrible traumas to stay “safe.” These were formed when I WAS under others’ shadow – no wonder I bought into that belief system. It has only taken me 72 years to get here – that is not much, considering the zillion of life-experiences we all have. Please do not read any judgment about that: we do what we do until we feel safe enough to do better.

What if you and I were willing to drop these beliefs and habits as our “protectors” and allow Holy Spirit to take over. What if it were perfectly OK to drop into old patterns again – and what if it was OK to not do it too

I know from long experience that I do not need to know with my brain what to “do” – all I need, is to let go of the belief that I am doing my life on my own.My little willingness to be wrong is all that is needed.

What if we are truly here to share our gifts – and what if our gifts are easy to find, since we LOVE them and love playing with them – in my case, images, storytelling, drama and poems.

So right now I invite you – and myself – to sink into this: what is the deepest feeling underlying my  the lung-condition ( your the OCD?) …is there any movement in energy around it? Is it available for unconditional LOVE? Do I ALLOW LOVE to come into this, once and for all? Am I willing to not know what it is about?

– – –

For me, it was a field of utter loneliness, like “outcast.” Staying with that pure feeling as energy was pure bliss, as long as the judgments about it fall.

Then I heard the question- “And is this the Truth about who you are?”

And then Love poured in “ I AM BIGGER THAN THAT FEAR, THOSE SENSATIONS.” I am that eternal awareness that surrounds it all – loves it and transforms it – and you and I need do NOTHING for it to happen – except state that little willingness to admit that our way has not brought peace and happiness.

Your gift is very clear, my friend: you are called to put the sacred into images as photos, so that we can recognize it and feel the hope in that. Your love for horses is just as strong as the horses’ love for you. It takes an exquisite sensitivity to be in that state of communication with Nature. All of this will create a beautiful momentum when you  decide you are ready to be willing to disrespect the OCD as TRUTH, and instead just sit with the energy of it. The stories and inner screams will be loud and insistent, but now you know they come from the OCD itself – they do not come from YOU and can simply be ignored.

What if only our belief in these limitations upholds all these old patterns

What if pampering them makes them stick

What if freedom quietly surrounds all of it and just waits on our welcome – just as Love.

And here is a caveat: Not pampering them comes NOT from pushing the symptoms down, judging them, repressing them -: it comes from freely saying yes to BE with them.

And that is a choice.

Blessing them and embracing them is a choice too

And what if doing a bit of slacking with chocolate/whatever now and then is better than beating ourselves up for not “doing spirituality right.”

I thank you for your post on Facebook, for bringing your situation up to the surface for us all, acknowledging our deep need for transformation…

Much love!

Leelah

 

 

 

 

BREATHING FREELY

For years I have had a chronic difficulty breathing. There have been strong constrictions around the heart and lungs. I have knows it has to do with earlier defense in traumatic situations, and have unraveled many layers. Two days ago I found a new one – what in shamanism we call “lost soul-part.”

In my spiritual practice, my body, house and surroundings mirrors back to me what goes on in my mind. Two days ago, my stove-fan broke down.

For me, it mirrors my lungs, and my ability to breathe and filter out the stronger smells from cooking. I knew it was a signal to yet another layer with the lungs/heart.

The same late evening, I sat down in my Healing Room to do a daily Chi Gong Kidney – exercise which has shown to be very efficient. Video below. When it came to ex.nr.seven, where we softly circle our hands around our  breast, I heard distinct tapping sounds behind me, as if somebody tapped the door/window: “let me in!” Then my body shivered and shuddered and was filled with an energy that did not feel “mine.”

I completed the exercise and prayed for insight – got that it was a “visitation:” some part of me that I had exiled wanted to reconnect. That made it easier for me: I truly want the LOVE that I am to transform all those memories and energies and “soul-parts.”

She was easy to connect to now, and I opened myself to fully be with her and acknowledge everything that she had felt – and her interpretations and conclusions about what this meant about her:

deeply unworthy of love from parents AND God. I let her know I saw and acknowledged all her hatred at self and others – “of course you felt this, it is a perfectly normal response to your situation. You have a right to feel all this now, WITH me, not alone.”

The constriction was at first so strong that I thought I may die – and then I realized that it was her constrictions that I felt, so I could be there as her  neutral loving witness. There was a big shift, the constrictions abated the more I realized that this happened for me and not to me: this was part of loving myself free from the old pattern I had seen as my safety, and that now almost choked me to death.

On x-ray one can see a mass around the heart/lungs – and doctors let me know it is not cancer or any sickness. I know the part of me had to create a lot of pain and goo and coughing there – it was like a bomb inside that said “don’t go here! Go away! We will NOT remember this terror!” So the constriction has been a life-saver, allowing me to heal memory after memory all the way up to this NOW. The exiled part is back, and presenting me with the agony, as much as she is able and willing to.

I bless the part in its true being. I forgive myself for all the judgments I placed upon this, and I embrace it. I allow it to be transmuted in Divine Light.

So…the stove-fan?

I have decided to let God take care of that. No worries: I am taken care of each step of the way

I invite you to click the two book-covers in the right menu, and check out if my two books may be for you.

Here is the video:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

HUNGER

This post has been edited, due to a missing link – the iceberg, see below.

The human baby/child must be mirrored back from its caretakers in order for it to grow into a separated being with a “me” identity separated from others. This idea – that humanity has unconsciously and collectively agreed upon, and therefore has anchored in our soul, is one of separation’s cornerstones: I am alone. I MUST be loved. Lets’ call it The Deal.

Some example of world-laws/separation laws:

Time exists and makes us grow old and die. Sickness is a nature law. Fear helps us be safe.

In non-duality and A Course in Miracles, we are trained to realize the truth that is eternal and non-changing – and therefore becoming able to see the two thought systems “love/fear, and choose which one we want to listen to.

It has been my strange and wonderful experience many times to change a fear thought underlying a sickness-symptom, and as a result, having that illness and symptoms disappear in a moment.

(My cancer disappeared in one such moment: see “When I am healed I am not healed alone.” Link below. *

https://ninotchka44.wordpress.com/2011/05/17/lesson-137-when-i-am-healed-i-am-not-healed-alone/)

Born into a body and separation, we are dependent on other bodies: – again unconsciously collectively agreed on by humanity * We need our caretakers to mirror us ,to see us, to give us names for all we see: tree. Hand. Milk. And later: now you are angry. You are afraid. Healthy upbringing: and it’s all OK that you feel what you feel: I am here for you. Destructive upbringing: You shouldn’t feel like that, it’s something wrong with you.1.example: LOVE. 2. example: FEAR

I know beyond all doubt that I have chosen my lives down to the most minute detail – and that without them, I could never be where I am now – seeing through my creations, being willing to be willing to drop my interest in their drama (  still a working project ;)) and allow myself to rest in my true identity as Christ/The Son of God – which I share with everybody.

Right now, the healing has focused on a corner-stone of the collective delusion of humanity: I am ALONE and I MUST have love from OTHERS. As I see it, it truly upholds the separation. Nothing wrong with others’ love  – but that my sacred Self needs love from “others is false. Due to the Course and non-duality:” there are no “others” , only Love  – disguised as many and separate, mirroring back to us what we need to see, accept and forgive.

I am not trying to convince you or save you – I am sharing a way of thinking that is healing my mind and bringing me more and more frequently into the Peace of God, and the Joy that is eternally available there.

So this is a place where I  just share my wobblings 🙂

The latest theme is the underlying enormous urge to eat- to fill the perceived emptiness that we may have experienced when we first perceived ourselves as separate from Source. We sense the sucking void of the thought I have left Source, I am dependent on something other than meand this thought  we held to be an unavoidable sign of healthy upbringing: to be an autonomous ego/personality.

In this world that applies -and when this upbringing equals losing our faith in our spiritual being, we start taking fear’s hand and believe that it is safety.

So when I had the experience described in The Iceberg, I believed I was very close to death. I truly believe that if I had believed the thought “Now I will die” I would have allowed the heart attack in – but instead, my training into curiosity and wonder allowed me to choose to embrace the feeling experienced as dying: I MUST be held and seen and LOVED if I shall survive. It shook me to the core,and all through it the fear of death was there – but the longer i stayed with it, the less i believed the fear.

We cannot let go of what we first haven’t accepted and allowed = forgiveness. Choosing to allow the feeling, I did not accept the threat of dying – I did not believe in the thought, giving my power to it. And I truly believe that it saved my body from dying.

What has been demonstrated lately, today in a Skype session with Kit, is the inner hunger that arises when the small child is born into a family whose parents have not themselves had parents who felt safe and loved : I AM A VOID THAT MUST BE FILLED.

Immediately after this primal urge comes, THIS MUST BE HIDDEN – the child can not live with that feeling when it is clear that it can NOT be filled – so our own denial, just like our parents’ denial, creates this HUGE urge: I AM HUNGRY.

I remember a time where a boyfriend, my daughter and I visited a Christian retreat center for a weekend. The rooms where we should sleep were clearly belonging to children. So I asked the son in the house if this was his room – he said yes with a blank, far-away -look. I asked, ‘is that really OK with you?’ ‘This is how it is’ he said -‘ we always give away our rooms for the guests.’

We had driven the whole day without eating more than a little snack, I was ravenous – but what I was truly feeling, without being aware of it ( this was about 30 years ago) was that I was really picking up the collective “ I MUST  BE LOVED, I MUST BE NR.1 for my parents.” This belief at that center mirrored exactly mine( -and my boyfriend’s.)

So when the pizza came, I became nuts, and wolfed it in, knowing I must looked VERY ill behaved, but not being able to stop the primal feeling underlying in us all: I MUST FILL THIS VOID.

I was doubling the pizza pieces so I could eat them faster, since the underlying feeling of starvation was tremendous. All the time the thought: “I will die NOW if this need is not met.” I just did not see that this was not true NOW – it was an old feeling from a very early trauma.

The body does not know the difference: if it is triggered, it is triggered NOW

And underlying all my constant need to nibble and eat constantly lately,is that scream, wanting to be heard.

In the Skype sharing today Kit shared about her son behaving the way I did – to the degree of doubling the pizza and gulping it down. How wonderful to share that I had felt the same, and that his urge mirrors my urge and  her urge – and I guess, everybody’s urge, as long as we haven’t fully awakened from the dream

Let me close with this part of Ode 536 by William Wordsworth:

Our birth is but a sleep and a forgetting:

The Soul that rises with us, our life’s Star,

Hath had elsewhere its setting,

And cometh from afar:

Not in entire forgetfulness,

And not in utter nakedness,

But trailing clouds of glory do we come

From God, who is our home:

Heaven lies about us in our infancy!

*https://ninotchka44.wordpress.com/2011/05/17/lesson-137-when-i-am-healed-i-am-not-healed-alone/,

**You may read more in detail about this in “The Seth-material” by Jane Roberts

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Nice Girl

Dream: I have a client who is boundless manipulative. I sense this only energetically: there is nothing “wrong” with what she says, but all she does not say -everything going on under the surface of subliminal signs and signals.

I am possessed by an enormous rage I only experience in dreams. I hiss like a wild cat and grab her and scream “get out of my house!” Her body is strangely pliable, like rubber – I recognize this as a sign of the demonic, who’s very essence is MADE of our repressing and judging our feelings, needs and expressions.*

I wake up after the third screaming sequence – her expression is mean and threatening and she lets me know this will have consequences.

THANK YOU Holy Spirit for this dream! It does not take many minutes to recognize how I am the manipulating girl: it was a survival mechanism for my first 20 years. Now Grace has showed me the very make-up of it – very thorough work, this

Gradually I go deeper as H.S. is looking with me. There are layers:

First the terror at the abuse and insanity

Then, when I understand there will be no protection from this – and no comfort, no acknowledgment of what happens – I fall into a mode of survival: pleasing. I am “The Sweet Helpful Girl. “

Next time you meet a pleaser and cringe, be grateful instead – the cringe means that you have the same energetic pattern ingrained in your mind and nervous system, and now you can offer it up for correction and forgive it.

All of that sweet pleasing is covering up pure murderous rage – which has to be completely denied for both child and parents and siblings for the charade to continue. And since the hatred cannot be directed outward, it turns back on US.

The stage is set for grand manipulation.

No wonder we get sicknesses – being under such tremendous unconscious attack all the time. No wonder cancer could manifest inside this body that mirrored a mind that harbored so much self-hatred.

It is wonderfully releasing to realize this pattern – at last FEEL it as energy. As long as I unconsciously judge and repress this energy within me, it cannot be forgiven and released. And it will be mirrored back to me from outside, by people who pour their blame on me. That happens rarely to me these days, which is a nice sign

As I write this, I yawn and fart and tears comes, muscles twitch, more releasing

The manipulating girl in the dream – who comes for “therapy” to me – is of course me. I see her now, giggling – she has my face, which is proper. There is freedom and light in the image now

Her threat was real: it WOULD have had dire consequences for my health and well-being to allow this old pattern to wreak havoc any longer.

The beauty is: three times in my life -in my thirties – has people said that they feel something manipulative in me. That was done in a group therapy, and was always immediately denied by other participants who comforted me and told me not to mind these screwed up people.

No: they were absolutely sane, and honest, and brave to say this and then be attacked by the group. Their accusation was acutely felt – and I believe that if I never had been pointed to this, I may have overlooked it.

Thanks to Grace who always is thorough. When I offer my willingness to look, she really opens it up

*

More about this in  my book “When  fear comes home to Love” on this blog – and also ways to dissolve these  deeply unconscious demonic structures in our mind and nervous system.

Squahed centipede

My son I law is 50 next summer. I have planned a gift which will honor him as a father,friend,dancer and Lieutenant Colonel. I had made numerous ideas, sketches and intuitions on some papers, and hid them when he came visiting. Today a new great idea came, and I could not find those darn papers.

I noted with interest how I instantly went into the old well-known mode of hating myself as the first correct thing to do. Then came the disaster stories – and gradually,  the idea that these somehow belonged to “me.” I watched “me” getting really angry, looking and watching everywhere, noticing the sensations becoming murky and acidly in the body. And decided that it was enough of that – and found myself telling myself that I looked forward to finding those papers and smiling and that it would happen in perfect timing.

Then I found myself open a cupboard which was a very illogic place for putting papers – and there they were, on top of a stack of plates.

It took 3 seconds from I stated my new intention to I found them

It is possible that I will drop the drama next time I search for something

*

Now, a dream from last night:

I am cleaning the space around my child’s bed – she is about 12 in the dream. Lots of old dust  around the head side of the bed –  beanpoles, centipedes – creepy crawlies, the Native Indians call them. Both my daughter and I hate hate hate creepy crawlies.

A centipede runs away from the bed – it senses that I am out to hate and kill, and runs. I find a stick and hit it. Again and again. It is disgusting, it bursts, but it still is alive, and I hate what I am doing but in my mind there is no alternative to creepy crawlies than to kill them and the more I hit the bigger it grows. It now has the distinct head of a porcupine.

I wake up

The more I tried to kill it /resists it, the bigger it grows…yes, I just made it real by resisting it. All the self-hatred and disgust that the Son of God has believed is his identity as a separated  somebody is projected into a world of forms where we now can watch what we have created: now the disgust and self-hatred is projected on the “other” – but as our bodies also are just thoughts in the One mind projected out, our bodies also hide our self-hatred and disgust and shame to a certain degree and put it into muscles,bones and blood

What is Cancer, if not cells attacking other cells in the same body?

What is illness, if not projecting our guilt and perceived sinfulness into our body? We have our own crawlies inside as bacteria. Some  are “good”, some are bad – the body could not live without the “good” ones – yet it is just a reflection of the basic ego thought of kill or be killed.

Good God what a thought-system we believe in – no wonder we fear a god who could be thought to create such a world

I am lying in bed and allowing the ravaging pains in the body — and forgiving myself for believing in the first Tiny Mad Idea

Violently repressed and denied, now sensed inside this body – kept there until I am willing to take the projection back and see that it is just a false thought, part of the insane thought system of the ego.

Waves of sickness and shooting pains rise to the surface – is seen through and released

I remember the image of the growing centipede’s body being smashed to pulp and still, agonized, living – but  seen now, although it appeared completely real, it was just a dream.

This is how the world was – and is – made, ac.to the Course: we believed in the tiny mad idea-thought and took it seriously – and then, using the will God has given us with its all-encompassing power, it becomes our perception and experience.

It is all Maya, appearances

It feels like I am bathed in sweet mercy lying here and just allow what goes on in the muscles – not resisting anything of it – allowed now, to be, to be released

And also seeing that REAL, IT IS NOT – just as the squashed body of the centipede morphing into a porcupine was not REAL, but an image from my mind projected into my dream.

As long as we believe these images are real it becomes our experience

It is an image, believed in – representing false thoughts about shame and violence – just as the world is an image of separation, believed in and experienced as real – and I love to notice that as I go back to the mind and forgive the images I/we have made, with the power God has given me/us, the world becomes beautiful

The image of the porcupine touches me deeply, and allows me to see yet another mechanics of repression: outside our home where I lived from  I was 2-6 years, porcupines were flattened by cars each day. My cousin and I shoveled them up and buried them in our garden, and sung very sad psalms for them. It comforted me: my own experience of being crushed daily was reflected in the spiky squashed bodies, and the psalms felt purifying. Now at least, the pain was expressed – and at the same time, I could keep the terrible fact hidden, that it was me that was crushed.

Well – that is the psychological reason. The real reason, as non dualism sees it – is the deep unconscious guilt in the mind from believing we had left Heaven and deserved all  possible punishment

Reminding myself again: it is a dream

And I truly want to wake up and recognizing mySelf as the One dreamer

*

Links to my 2 books on Amazon:

if you click on the titles, you will find more info about them, and may enjoy some of the reviews

 

 

 

The space of Joy that is everpresent

Skyping with Kit

I am exploring an old occurrence – the resistance, when in others’ company, to say the word God or Jesus or Christ. I visited yesterday a lady who rents my parking space in the garage. She had a bad knee so I went over to her for the rent. She was doped by strong painkillers, her knee needed a new operation which she didn’t want to do, she pointed to a big bandage on her chin and said cancer.

There came an impulse to be of help, and I demonstrated a round of EFT, which made her head clear up. I shared that YouTube has lots of EFT tutorials – in short, I taught her ways to help herself.

In the night, talking to Blue, it became clear that what I really had wanted when I was with the lady, was to ask if she wanted me to pray – that is,to share an other space of perception that was available to her if she chose it. And I was shown that believing in my own sacred Christ Self would be very helpful when I was with people in pain and illness. It is of course present always, for everybody – but it would be good for ME to be aware of that, said Blue – because then I would feel safe and not attached to these old archetypes of sin/guilt/fear/shame that creates illness and pain – and i would not be sucked in to other people’s agony – where I am absolute of no use.

Today with Kit, I found an intense longing and wish to know what prevented me to be aware of and believe in God’s presence when I am with other people – or, in the Course’s words, believe in my true identity as God’s One Son. And also what prevented me to utter the word God.

And at the very end of my sharing time came the answer from within:

You believe that you can keep God out – and that makes it true for you.

In the same moment, a loud siren is turned on – signaling to me the complete terror of the original fear of believing that “I” can shut God out. It also made us laugh full heartedly – the thought of God creating a world where his creations could turn against its Creator. Yes, we CAN believe we can do it – and the state of this world shows the consequences of that wrong-minded belief. But it is still an illusion – it is still just a belief to offer to the Holy Spirit for correction.

*

Kit was sharing her joy in watching colors and structures- and how this deep joy and nurturing, when not understood and shared by others, could make her snap at the other. We realized after a little while that this exquisite joy is present regardless of others not following us. Just as my exquisite joy in God’s Presence has to be just as strong  – even if others react in a negative way.

It simply IS.

In this moment Kit observes a little white puppy on a leash. Its owner drags it along, she wants to look into a shop-window – and the little white puppy  insists of its own pace.

Another beautiful symbol at the very end of our sharing: Kit observes an open window on the other side of the street. It opens into a pitch black room – and in the window sill stands a statue that maybe a bird or an angel.

 

 

Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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