The Inner Hunger

It is a place in my back that constantly itches. I feel it is directly outside the black mass that is visible inside the lungs ( nothing dangerous, says the doctor.) But a black mass is something that is very tightly repressed and judged, from my experience.
I zoomed into it as never before, and contacted a part that was never witnessed when small – and as a consequence, never got to learn how to express feelings – not even to herself. I felt great tenderness for her and she felt it.

I asked, “what is your own freedom?” “ To KNOW what I feel and feel safe to express it” she said. “ To trust that what I feel is Okay.” And now she felt seen and safe and not judged.
So I went into the very core of that desperation, validating her – “of course you would feel like that” again and again – until it was empty.

The itching went away.
I have recently set an intention to wake up inside a dream – lucid dreaming. It has not happened yet. This morning after the deep feelings, I had a dream that was very vivid – and I decided to move back afterwards, when I was awake – what Jung calls active imagination. It worked fine.

The dream: There is a powerful lady who knows how to catch huge fishes – man-size. There were three of them – pitch black and beautiful. Very sensuous – there was a cat-feeling around them. They were standing up, looking at me with eyes brimming with love.

She caught them to eat them – but I did not want to cut their throat and eat them, they were sentient beings, like angels even.
As soon as I made that decision, they turned snow-white. They told me they just wanted me to sit there with them and absorb their energy – the Christ within them. “You need do nothing.”
Ego needs to kill to eat. Spirit assimilates.

I saw how I had made those huge feelings black by judging them. I wonder if that mass may disappear now.

I do that with food: bless its original essence, calling it forth.

The usual crazy hunger is absent today

Transformation of childhood-house

Those who have followed me will know that I am very deep into symbols. Almost 50 years ago I discovered C.G Jung and his work on archetypes and the subconscious. His thought world felt so very natural to me – and I was intrigued with his way of seeing the house as  symbol for our body and mind – my body felt a strong response at that.

Yesterday I got a strong impulse to visit the place I lived for almost 24 years – from 6 till 30, when I married and moved to a new place with my husband.

I started to film from the moment I stood outside – and very soon I found the owner who invited me inside – so i could document the changes.

I am listing the changes here, and invite you to find what they would mean for yourself – if  you would like to play with symbols like this – like the weeping willow that now is removed. If this was your house now – what would the symbols mean?

The house looks shining new. The path to the entrance is delicate paved, the door is shining white and looks new. Same red color as when i lived there.

The weeping willow in the front has been removed 🙂

The roof is new. The windows are all new.

I find the female owner, she invites me in.

The outer entrance is isolated, no more freezing temperature there.

The inner entrance has lots of more space, and all is so CLEAN and looks so NEW. ALL is so well-tended and cared for.

What used to be the kitchen is now a storage room! And the biggest change: our old living-room is now their new kitchen – all in shining pure white! And they have added a whole spacious new  annex: a new  big living-room.

Oh that was a great symbol for me – this new living room added to the house!

Upstairs, my mother’s room and my room have now become one – just like my connection with my now deceased mother has healed completely.

Going down into the cellar/basement / the subconscious  – new bathroom where the food-storage-room used to be. New cozy cellar-room for hanging out-and a big new room added for guests/children – to sleep.

All symbols show transformation of unconsciousness and fear now turned into  spaces of friendliness and hospitality. Children are welcome here.

Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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