The Inner Attacker

I have for some years now been guided to work/play through old patterns of self-attack in the mind, that is mirrored in f.ex cataracts. I was in terror of those 2 cataract-operations but was clearly guided to have them, and through them I was led to deep and dark places that I believe i could have seen had it not been for these operations. I walked through those traumas while the doctor operated, and shared them loud, he listened deeply and i came out of it tremendously grateful. And he beamed with joy too!

Now I recently had an urinary infection. It bled. I am 74. I gave a urine test to my doctor, she said “you got full pot” and told me I ***had to*** take antibiotics.

So I did – but I asked archangel Michael’s rays to go into those pills. The bleeding stopped instantly – but my right eye started to bleed instead.

And I heard: “it s OK to take the antibiotics- but the bleeding / the inner alarm/ will show up again until you are willing to practice with full intention.And YOU have chose to come to this point of no return, Leelah.”

I asked inside what this wanted to tell me, and I heard “old self attack.” I have had so many attacks from “outside” this life – really obnoxious ones – and have known that they have their origin in my thinking. This time I felt/sensed the energy of hatred and attack and wanting to kill in the left brain ( that governs the right eye.)

This is it, folk. No doctor for this eye – I – only the divine Self.

I was told to post this here – because we as humans all have this pattern of self attack – otherwise we would not be here. I invite you to play with me here: to set a clear intention of forgiving ourselves for these thoughts, these perceptions – and so sit with it in the way you are guided to: my way is embracing my wrong minded age old choice, forgiving it completely, embracing it, blessing the wound inside my mind and heart in whatever way it has manifested for me, and important: forgiving all the ways I have judged and condemned myself for being so “worthy of attack and punishment.”

There is a place in most of us that think it is simply “wrong” and deserves punishment. I have seen this part in all my art therapy patients/clients/students through 30 years, and gathered our healing paths and case stories in the books in the right menu: 25 years of experiences how God plays with us and smiles us through it all.

For now, I thank those who feel invited to participate in this glorious celebration of Who we are – when we willingly receive our inner attacker and bless him and forgive ourself for creating this pattern – this belief in separation, sin, fear and guilt.

I was also asked to ask personally for help – which I really need to learn if you feel so guided, I am sitting here meditating. I want this healed through the heart and not antibiotics this time.

With great love to all my readers here –

Blessings and big thanks for reading this-

I would love comments!

Deepening of trust and healing

  I recently listened to  my teacher Israel’s last webcast again, and there is a place where Jeshua REALLY let us hear,” NEVER NEVER NEVVVER listen to the beliefs that you cannot change an old belief – we see this all the time.”


Now I choose to know that I am the right place at the right time. I just have some strong symptoms, wondering if they need medical attention – and at the same time, trust that they DO come from an old belief in utter worthlessness – like ” I am the very center of evil in the world ” – 🙂 no less! For me , it has to do with eating – a kind of “wolf eating” –

I have my second operation of cataracts coming Thursday. I know it is important to do that one – I will have a different degree on myopia than before on my right eye, and my wonderful surgeon tells me that that will do something very good to my brain – which has struggled with one near-sighted and one far-sighted eye for years! 🙂
So this is vital.

Writing this now, I believe that what is happening with my body comes from a part in deep fear from changing that dynamic of seeing – since of course it want to keep the status quo ( Leelah is a victim).

Anybody interested in more of this, feel free to click on “When Fear Comes Home to Love” in the right menu. The reviews will give you a clear idea if it will be helpful for you.

So when the meals come and I feel like “I MUST have something sweet for dessert” I instead pause for 10 minutes and ask God to replace that urge with COMFORT and support. It feels very good – and I still have those maybe blood-sugar- falls, but yesterday a notably less crazy.

I just opened a wise-quote-book, and it said: focus on what you want, not on what you do not want.
So that is what I will do

 I remember all the times i have wanted to do something wonderful ( today an appointment to see a movie with my daughter) – and VERY often strong symptoms have popped up, “stay home, you are ill” and I have persevered, and always it has been just fine 🙂

Writing this, I feel 70% better now than when i sat down –

Manifestation of illness *

 
A big difference since we started 3 years ago with The Way of the Heart, first book in Way of Mastery is to realize that any energy Leelah didn’t like and grabbed to herself, believing it said something about who she was ( guilt, sinful ETC ) now is seen as simply neutral energies in the one Mind we all share. When I know it is not ME – but something I have attached to out of fear and guilt – I can simply bless it and let it go: it has never changed my true nature. Saying these words into my recorder in bed gives big hiccups in the solar plexus, and big yawns too. The judgments and self-hate is seen as neutral an smiled to. Breathing the wish to love all this into the body now. – Lovely warmth spreads.
 
Great insight: before when I posted anything on Forums, there was always this instantaneous expectation of being criticized, slaughtered and demeaned. These attacks very rarely occurred – so it has been clear that this has been only in my mind. A dream this night about people – me included – being driven by an indescribable meanness – seeing each other as judge-worthy and despicable – helps me realize that my sleeplessness often consists of unconscious pressure to NOT have these feelings/energies coming up.
 
And now my commitment to love /God first and most– to align with Love – has made it possible for the energies to come up to be seen and blessed.
 
I realize “the mean ones” are roles: – you are the Holy Son of God in disguise, you are my projections of self-disgust. I now take you out of the roles. Holy Son of God, give me your blessing. Like Jacob and the Angel he wrestled with, I want their blessing.
 
Once St.Germain came to me three years ago as a radiant girl- we were looking into each other eyes and disappeared into bliss. NOW I see this disgusting energy in his eyes, as twirls of “meanness”– clearly reflecting my own hidden judgment.
 
These twirls/veils I have placed in my eyes to see others through –I believe is the cause of my cataracts. Left eye has already been operated on. I see no value in holding on to this projection anymore.
 
I believe this self-hatred has given me Osteoporosis too – eroding the calcium in my skeleton – I have not felt supported by myself, and the skeleton has faithfully reflected that. One more illness: hypothyroidism – reflecting not allowing myself to speak my truth and needs, preferring the “safety” of not irritating or provoking others rage or criticism.
 
Good survival and coping mechanisms all.
 
Not anymore. No value in these now. It feels GREAT to let the need for them go.
 
I claim my power back from these creations.
* This blog is my journey through a Course in Miracles, and the last three years through “Way of Mastery.” It is about how we create and the manifestations of our beliefs and thoughts that we hold as valuable.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Freedom from guilt

Epoch-making dream:

I am in this house, where my mother now lives with me. She returns late( or early in the morning) with many noisy friends, and I go ballistic in my self-righteousness: they are ruining the very small sleep-segments I have, how inconsiderate, how cruel!

At first I SCREAM at my mother – and she does not react or respond at all! She takes no blame! I am trying to hit her, but I don’t succeed  – I am not able to.

There is NO resistance in her – she fully knows Who she is. And she also give me no” oh poor you, you must be so tired.”

I now attack verbally her guests – two other woman and one man. I am spewing malevolence, and they start to answer back. The energy becomes very nasty.

I leave them and go out – and there is my bed, all white, the mattress  and duvet directly on the ice, now in the middle of a  vast frozen lake.

The two ladies and the man appear – and the atmosphere is quite different. The one lady smiles radiantly to me.

I am having a cataract-operation tomorrow, and have visualized how I want it to be – all sunshine and love and caring. For the first time do I realize how much repression there is in that – and that the invitation now is to just allow people and things to be as they are – and me too. But – and it’s a big but – I don’t need to see them as guilty or grumpy or nasty or unfeeling etc – I can and will bless them in the integrity of their being.

That decision relaxed me enormously. There is no pushing from my side now, for a certain behavior from others for me to feel safe. I AM safe.

I realize today that every time somebody has answered irritated or angry, I  – or a child-part in me – have deep down believed that they do so because there’s something wrong with me – deep unconscious guilt.

Today I see that they lash out because they believe deep down that THEY have done something wrong – are guilty.

Just as I thought my mom and her visitors were at fault that I could not sleep – no, I was at fault, believing that I am full of guilt, expect to be punished and therefore harbor attack-thoughts. I saw attackers outside, but they were really my own self-attack thoughts, projected outside.

As The Course tells us all humans do.

Is somebody seems to attack me or accuse me or blame me, they are feeling bad and projecting it on me. The only sane response is to bless them.

This has been a very peaceful day.

Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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