Claiming our space in the world

Claiming our space in the world

Think about it – teaching Flamenco in kindergarten and preschool – nobody would mess with these kids

Blue is playing

As I was prompted to by St.Germain, I will post some “Blue is playing” here – “When Fear Comes Home to Love” is full of them. I am absolutely certain that if they would not have happened to me, I would have died from seriousness and belief in a very scary God

Now I know better: S/he is utterly playful

Blue is playing: take my hand / 1999

It is Easter. I am going to the mountains to ski with my daughter. We are going by train. I am sitting in a seat at the aisle, and I am reading one of Emmanuel’s books. He writes “Am I here? Yes I am here. Reach out your hand, it will be taken.” [1]

Oh Emmanuel! Please take my hand. I am in dire need to feel that there is someone there for me. Please please take it!

I put my left hand with my palm upwards on the arm –rest, and close my eyes. Twenty seconds pass. Children come dancing down the aisle. They are playing with their hands: it looks like a kind of dance, turning them upwards downwards upwards downwards in rhythm with their steps. In a split second, I notice that the smallest girl is going to put her little hand exactly in my palm when she passes me, and I instinctively withdraw it. It’s not polite for strangers to touch hands.

When the children have passed, singing and dancing, I realize that someone just would have taken my hand – had I not snatched it away! A warmth rushes through me – of course, it was You – where else would You be, but here, as a playful child? And I realize that I was the one who withdrew and missed the opportunity!

Two days later, I lay in my hotel bed, napping after a long day of cross country skiing and sauna. I am alone in the room. I put out my hand again – may I trust that it will be taken?

Only ten seconds this time. The door opens, my daughter enters. She immediately sees my hand and puts a finger in my palm, like one does to a little baby. I close my hand around it.

[1]Emmanuel’s Book, p.72.A manual for living comfortably in the cosmos. Compiled by Pat Rodegast and Judith Stanton. Bantam (February 1, 1987)

Father and son

I sensed his energy already before he dumped down in the bus seat beside me. Everything stood still inside me – huge fear- the energy that he brought, and acted out from, was all “Fuckeat” – energy – an archetype of violence, abuse and dominance that is described in my book “When fear Comes Home with Love.”

I froze – and then remembered that I am here to BE Love – therefore, him sitting down was an opportunity for me to BE with the energy and to BE the space of Love where it could be witnessed.

Judgment flared up like a volcano when he slapped his baby son on his lap hard – twice – on its little hands. This baby was obviously used to it – it did not cry, just whimpered, and got a strong expression of worry.

I recognized that feeling inside my mind: “I have done something wrong and am punished – and for me, there is no recognition of why.”

I felt sick now, but still blessed the father silently in his true nature, again and again.

I was shown a bloodline of fathers like him – in this case, Moslem fathers who think their boy-babies have to be taught by pain and fear when their expression is not up to the standard for what is correct male behavior.

I saw his wife sitting there, across the isle – with another little boy beside her. He was looking down as the father hit his baby, and was smiling a stiff smile.

The wife looked like she was 19-20. Her eyes, watching her husband, were devoid of any life and presence – I recognized that energy/memory inside myself too and forgave it. She had taken refuge in that space where “this does not happen. I can do nothing about it that would not make it worse.”

As I felt sicker and sicker, drawn longer into merging with the Fuckeat-archetype, I heard a suggestion inside: “Holy Son of God, give me your blessing.”

Yes – there it was: they were playing out for me something in MY mind that had not yet been fully forgiven- and it was in my mind that I now forgave myself for choosing to see the Son of God in a violent manner. I blessed him again – and again – and there came a soft peace, the father rose from his seat and sat down elsewhere – I saw him relating to two other children.

His wife was looking at him now – they were quietly talking – and she was completely present, unfearful, and love poured out of her eyes to her husband

The Fuckeat structure in my mind had opened itself to yet another layer of healing – and all because I was truly willing to SEE beyond brutality to his true Self.

When they left the bus some minutes later, I saw two other children – at least 8-10 years old – they were all smiling, and I saw his father – pride in them

Sharing this with you had also started yet another release of Fuckeat-energies

Thank God

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The decision to choose is mine

Morning in bed

There it is: the unmistakably sensations of evil in my mind. A split second “oh no not again” – then crystal clear: “And it has nothing to do with me.”

Now there are two fields to observe: a good one and a bad one

And there is The Big Embracing One, Who says, “Come Home children, the day is over, you have played and now it is time to rest. Come home darlings.”

I recognize that all the time “I” am drawn into reading about war and terror and head chopping and abuse – it is “the bad one’s” choice.

I have truly identified with it throughout incarnations: everything I resist, has to do with “me” = the separated identity – and so I have told myself that it has value and is real and must be protected in my mind

I am lying in bed and truly exploring if this IS valuable to keep

“What you see are appearances only. Behind the appearances are souls who ask you to see the Christ in them instead. Remember – it is only your own projected images you see. They belong to the world –  a place where good and evil can play out and be experienced- and as you just wrote above, after the play comes the rest – and also the choice to play WITH God instead of on your own.”

From my window I look down on a playground. Right now, there is a father standing there, looking at his two little children in a slide. His bodily position exudes boredom and irritation and separation from play – he signals “ I don’t know who I am in this setting.”

I bless him and embrace him/this projected part of me/ and sense great love doing it. He goes over to the slide and slowly start interacting with them. His position is not so rigid any longer. I realize that anybody reading it may well think I have gone mad, thinking that my choice for love can influence the world around me – and that I am just making all this up. You are of course free to believe or not believe anything I write – please feel free to dismiss anything that does not resonate with your heart. I am just sharing how my world changes when I DO accept teachings like A Course in Miracles – this is what this blog is about.

Looking up again at the father and his children now:

They are running! Oh my – they are running in the grass and laughing

I feel so very very happy

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The power of my will

Skype session with Kit: the theme turns out to be judgment versus the loving choice to just BE WITH any turmoil presenting itself. Kit gives examples from childhood of insensitive mother in certain situations – and how Kit’s only need was to have them JUST listen to a deep sense of tiredness. A presence to it, without any minimizing/”comforting” it away. This situation is now repeating itself with her and her boy, by showing the same kind of insensitivity at a certain point. And what became very clear to us both is this human common habit of overriding/running over/ one’s self in order to “keep the love” from the parent.

We -our human little self – believe love can be lost – that it is conditional – and that we have to adjust to our parents expectations to keep it. No wonder we override ourselves. And if we do, our children will learn to do the same with themselves.

I think about the huge habit of nocturnal pain that I have. Someone recently helped me see that as long as a judge that oldoldoldhabit, it will stay – since I use the Holy Will that God gave me to tell myself that this pain is real and mine – and that becomes my experience.

I see why the pain grown to  intolerable proportions – because I tell myself that this pain is intolerable.

THAT is the power of my belief and my will.

Seen from above the battleground, as the Course names it, I am the sky, and all the rest is just weather. It is not personal to the Sky

it is not serious either

 

Massacre

In today’s Skype-sharing with Kit, we explored the place in the mind where the little child for the first time discovers that mom/dad is ” another.” Suddenly they are different: the all encompassing Love we felt has been withdrawn, and here is somebody else who uses a new and scary angry voice – they look quite different – their energy is different.

We felt the shock in the system – the shock that our parent could be “somebody alien”, and the terror of that – and we made a decision: “I will lock it off.”

We massacred our brain: neurons, do NOT go the usual direction. We are in great danger: reroute,reroute! Lock that shock into the system for good.

And next time our parent is “different”, we are trained to circumvent the old shock-reaction: we are trained to deal with it with anger, force and control. We overpower the other.

And what we have locked into our systems, we now subconsciously project into our children – as Kit described today had happened when her little son refused to dress and go to Kindergarten.

Our headaches disappear as we allow the old locks to be unlocked. The grief flows out,then the peace – and the clear insight that the “changed” parent did not came from evil or hatred – they came from their own indoctrination – just ignorance, just an error.

Stop – breathe when you feel these patterns. Stop the automatic repetition: sense what goes on in the body, be willing to open what you closed of, be willing to forgive it, to have your beliefs about what this all meant, to be corrected.

Seen down to the core -there are no guilty ones

All that ever happened is that (very few) people have been raised – and trained – to deal with anger in a child in a healthy way: “I see that you are angry now. I will sit here with you, and I’d love to hear what is going on.”

 

Shifting Gears

Perfect timing, perfect teacher: Rikka Zimmerman. Free download on her website: Three keys to loving you. ½ hour mp3 talk, or streaming. When I substitute her terms “Universe” with “Holy Spirit”, and “You” with “Christ/true Self, “everything she says works for A Course student too – and I can’t describe how freeing it feels to hear a new terminology! Most Course students have a hard time with the metaphysics, and because of that there are lots of possibilities for using the Course to bypass pain and “understand”  it to destruction of its message: we are infinite and eternal loving beings, and what we believe becomes our experience.To wake up, we need to be willing to change our perception  – be willing to be wrong that it is correct.

Here is how Rikka’s three steps went for me this morning:

1) Have a loving moment.

Memory: My daughter and I sit next to each other on a bench in front of a large painting in an empty Gallery. We talk about the painting and art in general – we are both artists – and there is a perfect resonance between us. A big loving space opens, the joy of being able to share freely, even wordlessly, our common love of the creative process.

I allow this field of Love to expand now

2)Feel yourself expanding all beyond the Universe.

I feel the freedom and Love that is in this Space, where boundaries between bodies are non-existent. Asking questions like “What does the ocean/ the mountain/ the grass (your cat:)) know about its love for me?”

OH

Allowing this Love to permeate me

Then, being asked to be aware how there are stuck and painful places in the body which cannot/will not accept Love  – allowing them to just be – staying lovingly with them until they unlock or melt.That may take time.

Being told that when the defense-voices tell us to give it up, this is a sign that you will never succeed in this, your pain is SO special and horrible just notice instead what is already changing in the body.

For me this morning, this put a stop to the most nerve-racking pattern in my mind ( see red sentence) – and I started to notice the places of changes in body and deliberately – by choice – placed my attention there.

With this decision, all the judgments of this horrible old me fell away: the red was crystal clear seen as a false thought.

3) Stop hitting yourself on the head with the sandbox shovel

Rikka tells us that the universe is a sandbox with lots of tools – and when we see other children hitting themselves over the head with “I am so stupid” we learn to do it too. Some of the children accept it, and others hit other children on the head instead – and she asks us to notice when we participate in this child game and see a stop sign – and in that moment instead choosing the free flow of expansion/Love.

We might in our life witness other people hitting themselves and others over the head – and we simply can put down our own shovel and  choose to put our focus on beauty/love instead.

The emotional charge from childhood

This is a quote from the book “The Presence Process” by Michael Brown.

“Praying for forgiveness”, page 209

At this point in our journey through The Presence Process, it’s beneficial to honestly ask ourselves: “How do we treat those in the world who ask us for unconditional love in the only way they know how?”

Let’s remind ourselves that they use the only means  at their disposal: The drive to recreate the resonance emitted by the emotional charge imprinted in them as children when they thought to be unconditionally loved by their parents.

Does our arrogance lead us to assume they should behave differently – that they should know better, even though we realize the impact on emotional imprinting on behavior? Did we do any better? (- – -) Being forgiving isn’t the same as being nice to everyone. It is simply a perceptual approach in which we don’t identify another by their by their behavior – by their imprinted condition.

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I have studied the Course about 30 years. Using Micheal Browns insight of behavior being caused  by people’s imprinted emotional condition has done wonders – latest today in the bus.

I have encountered this bus driver many times: He may be a refugee from Nigeria or thereabout. He has always been aggressive, and it is hard to understand his language. When I entered the bus today, I felt the same vibration from his as usual, and then I remembered not to take it personal.

Many more persons came on, and he lashed out to everybody. All people answered politely and looked confused, and gave me(who was sitting in my usual seat next to the driver in front) rolling eyes and little smiles.

And then all was calm inside me, and my heart opened wide: this was his imprinted condition. I recognized him as a child who had been terrorized and forced and made guilty, and my heart took him in.

Few seconds after this he started driving out from a bus-stop, and took out a banknote from his purse and showed me: it was full of holes and fringed. He said, and thank God I understood his meaning: ” …he told me this was valid payment and it isn’t!” I smiled and said “you are right. It isn’t.”

He kept driving, looking right ahead – but he wiped his eyes and nose several times. I sensed a softening, a  beautiful release. Remembering the Course – and Michael Brown: “They are only calling for love the only way they know how.”

The next persons coming on were met in such a different way. Gone was the aggression, the fast talking – and the tiniest smile was seen. I saw the reactions from the passengers changed immediately.

When I exited at my destination, I wished him a good day and started to walk backwards to the exit. He stopped me and told me: “You can exit in the front.”

Time and violence

Kit and I today had one of our jewel-sharings – today about “personal” time. Here is some of what  stood out for us as helpful to recognize.

To believe  the idea:“It is not time for what want” leads to violence.  Kit used an example of feeling she needed HER time when putting her little boy to bed. He asked for water 3 times, and she noticed she was afraid that if she “gave in”, she would be eaten up – “give somebody a little finger, and he takes the whole hand.”

The belief in the need for personal time – MY time – makes the time feel very solid, dense, real, and very separating. “When I am believing this thought, I feel more separate from my children.”

The presence of violence grows.

When I believe there is not enough time, I suffer – I have to fight for this time, and that makes others separate and somebody I have to fight – while  as we allow ourselves to recognize that accepting whatever happens, shows us that THAT is our opportunity to tend to -letting life be, listening to what would benefit us both.

When life is lifeing, and we accept our child’s cry for attention, it is like accepting our inner child’s cry for attention – all that is needed is a genuine interest in meeting the other’s need:

Maybe it isn’t water you need? What are you really trying to tell me? Maybe you just need a hug before you go to sleep?

And if we do that, we may recognize that giving this time to our child is really filling our need – while if we believe the thought that somebody (me) loses, violence arises.

There is a palpable difference in adhering to the child’s needs from the knowing that the situation offers peace for both of us, and our trust in that (which we then bring to the situation) and the situation where we think we have to sacrifice our own needs for the child, which leeds to resentment/violence.

It becomes obvious that it is  not the situation that is the problem – but how we meet them. We can choose: peace – or violence/separation – “my” needs contra “your” needs. I create my own pain, by holding on to the thought that I must have “my” time.

But it is just a thought – believed in.

As soon as I stop believing the thought, something inside relaxes, and the child instantly picks that up and stop being “needy”. Now there is just a meeting, a joining: the one does not lose and the other does not win – here is just another opportunity for being present to what is NOW – trusting that if it is met without resistance/hatred/violence, only good comes out of it.

talking to children

After the killing at Utøya, a lot of children are asking their parents why he did that. Our child-ombudsman advised the parents to tell them that the killer had “error-thoughts.” He said that every child would know what that means.
And poof, there goes the need for a zillion unnecessary psychological explanations.

Oh yes. Ego thoughts. Error-thoughts. I relate better to really simple words.

Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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