The Inner Attacker

I have for some years now been guided to work/play through old patterns of self-attack in the mind, that is mirrored in f.ex cataracts. I was in terror of those 2 cataract-operations but was clearly guided to have them, and through them I was led to deep and dark places that I believe i could have seen had it not been for these operations. I walked through those traumas while the doctor operated, and shared them loud, he listened deeply and i came out of it tremendously grateful. And he beamed with joy too!

Now I recently had an urinary infection. It bled. I am 74. I gave a urine test to my doctor, she said “you got full pot” and told me I ***had to*** take antibiotics.

So I did – but I asked archangel Michael’s rays to go into those pills. The bleeding stopped instantly – but my right eye started to bleed instead.

And I heard: “it s OK to take the antibiotics- but the bleeding / the inner alarm/ will show up again until you are willing to practice with full intention.And YOU have chose to come to this point of no return, Leelah.”

I asked inside what this wanted to tell me, and I heard “old self attack.” I have had so many attacks from “outside” this life – really obnoxious ones – and have known that they have their origin in my thinking. This time I felt/sensed the energy of hatred and attack and wanting to kill in the left brain ( that governs the right eye.)

This is it, folk. No doctor for this eye – I – only the divine Self.

I was told to post this here – because we as humans all have this pattern of self attack – otherwise we would not be here. I invite you to play with me here: to set a clear intention of forgiving ourselves for these thoughts, these perceptions – and so sit with it in the way you are guided to: my way is embracing my wrong minded age old choice, forgiving it completely, embracing it, blessing the wound inside my mind and heart in whatever way it has manifested for me, and important: forgiving all the ways I have judged and condemned myself for being so “worthy of attack and punishment.”

There is a place in most of us that think it is simply “wrong” and deserves punishment. I have seen this part in all my art therapy patients/clients/students through 30 years, and gathered our healing paths and case stories in the books in the right menu: 25 years of experiences how God plays with us and smiles us through it all.

For now, I thank those who feel invited to participate in this glorious celebration of Who we are – when we willingly receive our inner attacker and bless him and forgive ourself for creating this pattern – this belief in separation, sin, fear and guilt.

I was also asked to ask personally for help – which I really need to learn if you feel so guided, I am sitting here meditating. I want this healed through the heart and not antibiotics this time.

With great love to all my readers here –

Blessings and big thanks for reading this-

I would love comments!

One Choice

I am playing online games. – There is a website with different “curio games” – old Chinese solo board games and others. I admit I visit there fairly often – and that they are a bit addictive…so I went there now and said to the Great Boardgamer, The Universe:

What do you want me to experience here?

This Chinese game is all about finding  sign-pairs and deleting them, and  then new ones will pop op.  They are all in intricate layers. Finding them all and deleting them all successfully may take about 15 minutes – but the patterns are randomly given, so succeeding here is rare.

The Universe gave me ONE try – and then a big sign came up: “You have no more choices!”

My One choice has to be:

LOVE

I LOVE it when Blue plays with me like that. “When Fear Comes Home to Love” is full of these “Blue is playing”  ♥

You might like to click on the book and see if it opens on one of the “Blue is playing”s.  Just click on the cover and  a menu opens on the left side. If you want to play with The Universe too, just set an intention to find a piece that will be particularly meaningful to you right now – take a breath expect the best and click it.

if you want to share, please do so in the comments below.

You might enjoy the reviews too, of course! 🙂

 

 

Disentanglement

I was this evening helped to see through that old role and identity of taking on others’ energy to “help” them – truly realizing that as long as I help from pity, we’re both screwed.

When I first truly honor my Self – my power, my God-given connection and identity, I can choose and intend to honor  the same intrinsic light in them, and honor their journey.

From here, I may or may not choose to send them love where they believe themselves to be – the victim of physical suffering/disease.

I found myself in such an entanglement with neighbors some days ago, and my energy system was filled with their identity with sickness and old age and victimhood. After Mary A Hall helped me see this, all their energy disappeared from me, I feel cleansed and healed and blessed. And the crazy energy of the false sufferer is GONE and PEACE is here

Oh the wonder of honoring the Truth

 

Surrender

Last night I prayed,”please give me a dream where I meet the part of me that I most need to love and forgive. “
I did: it was a short clear image of a small / dwarf-like male figure – pitch black,glossy, like tar with varnish.
I can’t really tell you how beautiful it felt to be with this part. ” I bless you, I wish you well, I wish you your highest freedom” – these words from Adyashanti has resonated in me since i watched the meme on Facebook.
There was an instant relief – this part, or maybe  male symbol of everything not-loving in the mind  – received it. We were with each other for a long time
*
My whole life I have been drawn to war-movies and concentration camps and what went on there. As a therapist I have had patients with parents from these camps, and have witnessed ( the word-correcting thingy wrote: “wintered” :)) how they carry their parents’ UNacknowledged pain and identify with it
In my book “When Fear Comes Home to Love” ( see right menu) I have a chapter of this occurrence – how a part of us derives “worth” from playing “the savior,”  subconsciously takes on parents’/violators’ energy and then believes that this energy is “theirs.” Identifying with it.
I know myself how many years I have needed to separate those energies from what I call me.
Yesterday I saw the movie “Unbroken” directed by Angelina Jolie –  a 15 minutes interview with Louis Zamperini, link to video below,  prisoner in Japanese war camps, subjected to unspeakable torture with following years of nightmares and booze.
What turned him around was Billy Graham. Louis surrendered – gave his life to Christ – and what is so unspeakably beautiful is to look at this face as he describes how he KNEW that all the thoughts and images were GONE from his mind.
Just as we heard from Israel‘s webcast  in Way of Mastery- Choose to Love first – choose to want God FIRST NOW.
I love when I see that forgiveness is nothing you do – just a choice for a change in perception.
What am I waiting for? really?

The suffering self leaves the driving seat


The eye was very painful the whole night until ca 5am. There were coagulated  morsels and strings of something that looked like resin around the eye.
“Infection”  said intuition.

I asked myself what I wanted with this creation.*** There were many layers: there were definitely perks with going through pain and being a good girl, i decided that it certainly  justified wine etc. afterwards.

And this identity is, as most of my readers here will have noticed, A HUGE part of  my identity – what I call ME.

I looked at the wine bottle on the kitchen sink and realized that choosing wine and “comfort” I had completely identified with that wrong-minded identity. “My” justification was ” But I DESERVE it.”

Which I is that? The separated one. The suffering one. The small self. And I was radiantly aware of myself as a role – beliefs I have taken on through parents, teachers, ancestors, society – in short, the world.

I had taken her on, like an old costume -I had NOT acknowledged the Self in me who had experienced the great realizations under the knife. By choosing to tell myself “I DESERVE this now” I had failed to see  that this suffering-me believes that suffering MAY at least justify being comforted. That is her perk

Which is really a cost!

And of course, that victim -identity can have infections.
I know that my true I cannot.

As long as I mainly identify with this girl, I will never wake up.

I realize that I chose that suffering identity last evening who took her comfort from wine and food. And that is why the eye hurt so much and looked so infected.

It was my thinking that was infected. The thoughts themselves are neutral – but the moment I attach an I am to the thoughts, I have declared it to be my identity.

I reached out to my Way of Knowing-group on Facebook and asked for prayers –  for affirmation of my true Self, my true I/eye.

Within 1/2  hour my eye healed. ♥ Pains gone. Slightly red, but no more gunk oozing out. What an enormously important lesson I gave myself: you HAVE inner parts/patterns – meaning, they are in your soul as memories – but I AM the One Who chooses what I will identify with. To be aware of the little one and comforting her is so very different from believing I AM her.

 

*** In “the Way of Knowing” by Jeshua, channeled by Jayem, Jeshua teaches us that as sovereign souls we create our response to everything that happens to us. When we make choices out from the separated self, we choose out of fear and anger and confusion, and we may choose to “suffer to atone for sins.” Choosing from Self is always choosing to see with Christ’s vision – looking for the eternal Love within the perpetrator.

 

 

 

comfort

 

 

 

The Dream of Sloppiness

This morning I had a dream where I was about to serve a supper for about 30 people. My mother and I did it together. The guests were all seated, and I discovered that there was no PLAN or structure here. The kitchen (which was enormous) with all kind of equipment was in complete chaos: there were a lot of grilled chickens EVERYWHERE – but I knew that I could not be certain there were FULLY COOKED with no Campylobacteria. Sloppy!
 
My mother was even more distracted than me, we were both worried about what the guests were thinking (and judging) so I tried to yell at HER to not make this MY FAULT.
 
VERY usual feeling, this: THEY need and expect something from ME and all my attention goes on HOW I am perceived by THEM.
 
So I asked Guidance for help and It said “19.” That means quote 19 in my wise-words-book at my night-table. I picked the book up – and it was already opened on 19! Which is the note I am sharing here. And I notice HOW excellently I am aligned with Source each time I ask for guidance – but else “I am having a really sloppy receiver that could tune into many different channels at the same time.”
Here is the quote from Abraham.  What is in italic is what I need most of all to focus on NOW:
There are a lot of people who know they are empathetic, they are sensitive to Energy – but we don’t want you to be sensitive to all of the energies. That would be like having a really sloppy receiver in your vehicle that could tune into many different channels at the same time, and all you want to do is listen to some satisfying music but you’re getting all this static and chat because your tuner isn’t tuned. That’s really what it’s about.
 
It takes a little practice, but most of all it takes understanding why you do it. And why you do it is because you’re trying to exercise your influence over them by getting them to see you as you want them to see you. So you’re real interested on an almost word by word basis, thinking I say this and then you respond, I say this and then you respond, and you care too much about their response. We want you to not care at all about anybody’s response to you.
 
Let your relationship with your Source Energy be what’s dominant to you. Most people, first of all, don’t really know that Source exists for them, they don’t know that Source is interested in them, they don’t really understand that your Inner Being is projecting a steady thought that you could pick up on, they don’t understand that they have an Inner Being who has an opinion about everything that they have an opinion about, so therefore they don’t understand their own Guidance System. So most people have sort of been frantically searching for some form of guidance from someone. And when you really, really care about it, then you’re looking for it everywhere.
 
Q: Yeah. I’m trying to separate mine from theirs, it’s what I feel like I need to do.
 
A: It doesn’t have anything to do with them, it’s only about what’s going on with you. Some years ago we offered an analogy, a really good one, really appropriate for this conversation: We said imagine a light board about as big as this carpet, and it has all of those little LED lights on it and you’re one of the lights. So, you focus on something and you light up based upon what you’re focused upon, and every other light on the vibrational board that is where you are lights up, too. And that equals your world; that’s who in the room is a vibrational match to you.
 
And you can control how you light up. So let’s say they’re all lighted up on something that is not beneficial, like disease or war, but you’re not because you’ve been meditating or you’ve been playing your musical instrument or you’re tuned-in, tapped-in, turned-on, so even though they’re lighted up that way, they have no influence and no attraction power in your life experience because you’re offering a different vibration.
So what we’re getting at is you pick the tune that you’re strumming, you pick the vibrational frequency that you’re broadcasting, and only things that are a vibrational match to that would be in your sphere of influence, or you in the sphere of that influence.
Does that make sense?
Q: Yes, that makes total sense.

The choice to deny oneself to survive

Each day/night I am doing the  Core Transformation Process

It is SO effective! I worked through an archetype this morning – the false helper *- I saw how excruciatingly important it was for her (me/you/us all ) to repress the longing to be seen and love and counted and then giving up all the trying and instead shifting the energy from me to others: instead of helping myself – being there for myself – I will put all the energy on one card; becoming the perfect helper. From now on I am looking for painm and problems in others, so I can comfort them as a substitute for needing comfort myself.

When I did it this morning I did it with that 4-year old Leelah-helper – no words of consolation or loving attention when she returned home from group rape.  – Only my soul could think out such a splendid way of arriving at where I am NOW – now I  TRULY can appreciate that child!  and now true forgiveness pours out like a waterfall – oh the joy! and the laughter!

You know – that little one arrived at CORE in just two steps – shivers down my back now – 1st: I want to be seen as important I want to count-  and the 2nd: I NEED TO FEEL JOYOUS! To be able to express it and have it WELCOMED!

And THERE WE WERE – in the arms of LOVE

 

* “Bird is the title I have given this archetype in the book you find in the right menu: When Fear Comes Home to Love. Click on it and you will be able to read more in the reviews.

Depth of Hell

All yesterday was filled with an abyss of meaningless, chaos, depression – feeling like dying each second, and being stuck in this. I decided to go to bed at 9pm in the hope that something would change while I slept.

In the morning I dreamt that I was going to town with my new neighbors – they were driving the car / this trauma-energy is driving me. They come from Kosovo – with all the traumas of war and loss that implies. I asked them to drop me at the main station /SELF –and there full chaos reigned, in my dream. I first lost my cell phone /my mind– and then I bought fast food ( sausage with lots of mustard and ketchup)/ thoughts that are not nourishing – and it glued itself to my fingers and then to my cell phone and all was a terrible gluey mess.

I spoke to St.Germain when I woke up. There was a lot of laughing! I saw that I have the last 30 years perfected a descent in to hell. It became clear that I don’t have to go deeper – and I realized that it is the ego which wants to go deeper. All exploration of darkness proves that darkness exists and is real – and here and now I see that darkness IS the very thought system of ego itself.

The hell establishes its domain – and strengthens the belief that I NEED to find its deepest ground to bring love into that.

The thing is – there is no deepest! I am the One who chooses how deep hell is – and I am the One who chooses: enough.

When I saw that, clarity dawned, and a saw a host of little angels giggling and cheering at me.

My ego has made exploration into a chore – something to do to make “me” worthy, and even MORE worthy that you – whomever you are. It took the meaning of depth to a whole new depth.

Oh the absolute futility and silliness in choosing to make more darkness in order to give love into it.

There is a deep momentum in this habit for me. Holy Spirit help me to see this each time it comes again.

The Vow of Righteous Anger

Tiptoeing into this place to post – a bit apprehensive –yawning mightily in the decision to do it anyway

I have these dreams that present me with old survival patterns. The one I want to share is a sexual one connected to rapes throughout my childhood, and the identity I forged because of that.

In those moments when I noticed “there is that look again, watch out, he is going to do it” there was an immediate split in consciousness – and it is the material in this part of the mind that lately has been allowed into my dreams and from there into my conscious mind. That material/energy consists of a frantic crazy insanity with sexual lust mixed with a terror of death and being obliterated. I believe that this is what constitutes the energy vortex itself – it’s not “my” energy and “his” energy – it is the mighty vortex itself. And as I have explored this now for almost 40 years – in patient bits and pieces – my mind is accepting more and more of it in its full force. My training in Way of Mastery has certainly assisted me in not judging – and as I see that energy now, I see that it IS so strong mainly because of cultural taboos and common judging.

I discovered last night that part of me had discovered a way to survive as an “I” inside all of that explosiveness – she took on a role of “the seductress” that was given to her from she was very small: “Oh you LIKE this don’t you, you little whore” – in that moment, “she” saw that “she” had power over the man – there was something in her that he HAD to have – “she” had the power to make him want her.This strategy allowed her to feel power – meaning that not all of her disintegrated and was split off.

Meeting that part of me now, I see her intense shame, and can support her: “I am so sorry for what happened to you, And I am so grateful that you choose to find a way to feel power AT ALL – that saved you from being crushed.”

When seen and honored and not judged, she softens and deep crying comes. It is her crying, not mine, and I am there as her loving parent,/observer, witness – encouraging her to feel and express now when she is not alone.

AND:
I recognize how this way of being – “the seductress” – has been a – for me – invisible part. At a retreat in Primal Therapy years ago, a man pointed that out to me – in group, openly – and there was an immediate split in the group: one other person agreed with him and the rest attacked him for being so cruel –

But he was right, bless him – and I see now how it is not to be judged at all in me, and therefore not in others either – now I know what lies beneath it and cries for loving attention: please stop this torture, I am dying.

There also was a deeper level of insight:

I saw how that little one held onto an old decision:

I will NEVER let go of my anger and hate! It is a RIGHTEOUS anger – and I will keep it until somebody notices it and asks me what is going on and stops him/them and punishes them.

In a Family Constellation-group 20 years ago or so, I noticed a tremendous fear and grief arising when my father-part “died ” – and I was supposed to let him go. I could NOT do it – and now I realize that only as long as he was alive and did his torture, that “power-part,” ‘desirable – me’ was alive too – meaning that when he died, I/ it would die to.

I now fully realize the power – and IDENTITY – I have given to that part – the little girl who has to be “sexy and slutty” in order to be wanted, allowed, given power. I see how much I have judged that part of my sexuality/self too – and how much LIFE there is in that part.

HOW important it is to SEE this part with only love now: “of course you chose this. It helped us survive then.”

NOW I notice: that as long as that former vow about keeping the anger and that image of me is intact, I CANNOT accept LOVE. The vow of righteous anger prevents it.

So NOW I choose to acknowledge it, honor it
and allow it to be transmuted by the Love that heals and transmutes all things

ARIEL

I dreamt that I was in the city and met a neighbor to my child house home -he was now my age, and with him I was in my SELF -*** It was indescribably beautiful – this is how it feels to live in JOY, I know it now – unlimited all peaceful and joyful – all accepting – overflowing love – BEAUTY! -grace – smiling with all the cells in my body – and he gave me a ring – it was placed on my left middle finger – where now is the ANCH-cross since 30 years ago – OH! – it was like a 2 inch high cylindrical  container of glass/crystal  -with something alive  and sacred inside –

Breathing deeply writing this

Then after a long while, the energy changed and my ring mirrored it – the content inside got muddled

I woke up, felt cold and stiff and horrible, and completely dried out. . I asked for help from the angel of Water, and It did not answer – so I knew there was something more for me to look at.I recognized this frequency as ***something that I do not want any longer,*** that it is a CHOICE I must take. I took it 🙂 Then the water flowed back into my cells.

Then, the test: as soon as I logged on my PC, there was a request from SKYPE – which deals with connections and relations 🙂 would I get the newest version from Microsoft? i clicked yes, and at the same time there was a big reaction of NO! from the nervous system.

All my contacts had disappeared.
At first I clicked around frantically and them i remembered to connect to Source. Then a chat-opportunity showed up. The helper was named ARIEL :

This is from internet:

Ariel is a Celestial Angelic Being within the Angelic Order known as the Archangels. Archangels are responsible for ministering to humans, considered somewhat like “manager angels”, Archangels oversee the responsibilities of Guardian Angels and the other Celestial Light Beings that act as our guardians and guides.
The patron saint of animals and the environment, Archangel Ariel’s name means ‘lion or lioness of God’. Her role is to protect the earth, its natural resources, ecosystems and all wild life and is always available with support and guidance for any activities that involve environmentalism and protecting, healing, rejuvenating, …

“Ministering angel” LOL – of Blue has so much fun me with me! ( Digression: In “When Fear Comes Hone to Love” I have collected a multitude of these sweet synchronicities from Spirit that i experienced, going through the explorations of the dark archetypes those 25 years.(still doing 🙂)

One more pointer to me: When i went through Primal Therapy in the 80-ies, I had ONE antagonist: his name was ARIEL. Now is that name redeemed to me, through THIS Skype-Ariel – who told me: my game is to help you:)

I shared my terror with him, to HAVE TO click on the correct places NOW and he told me again and again that he was there, take your time.

And so comes the beauty and wonder symbolism – he asked if i was willing to give him control of my computer so he could install the new program –

Of course I gave him that, and he thanked me for my trust 🙂

And voila, all my contacts are back
and i have the link to the contact/chat/page of Skype

I have that link! ( And i wrote “I have that THINK:))

Thank you beloved SELF for hammering it in with so much joy

*** This symbolizes to me that only in connection to “my neighbor” ( anyone) am I in my SELF – we cannot reach Heaven on our “own.”

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Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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