Christ Consciousness

Last webcast on lesson 11 of Way of Knowing with Sarita Premley. The guided meditation was very helpful  – I always am more present when I listen to them alone in bed afterwards – I get distracted by all the energy info coming in from the images/persons on the screen

So when Sarita asked, “What do you really want to KNOW this life “– there was direct transmission via images and impressions. First there was the idea of being of service – but what truly came up as something I really have WANTED, was this:

I want to KNOW myself as a sovereign soul/Christ/Self, and BE/radiate this state of Presence to others.

In my book When Fear Comes Home to Love where we explore certain fear-archetypes-traps and how to relate to them, there is an archetype I have called Bird – after the big painting I was “given” to “download” as a painter, where all the archetypes are present as figures. The main one that I and all my patients through 30 years have had and been driven by, is what we may call “The helper/therapist-archetype” the one that derives her/his worth by this work – to her/his own detriment.

I have worked diligently with its energy for years – and yesterday, after our webcast, I noticed that my whole house was filled to the brim by my neighbors’ energy ( those from Kosovo that I have talked about earlier.) It even SMELLED from them – a quite different smell than the familiar one.)

So now I was planted in the middle of the old pattern: I am one who always pick up others unconsciousness that they have split off, and hold it for them.

I did that for 30 years as therapist without finding out what to do about it and  almost always felt sick after sessions. “Giving it back” afterwards never really worked. Yesterday I saw the  seed -belief  – I NEED to do this as a survival mode – taking the others crazy-energy inside as a way of control it.– I truly believed it would save me from being attacked again, since I now had it inside already – but as Abraham reminds us, then I just hold a frequency that attracts more of the same.

So I saw the original choice and owned it, no problem – and affirmed that I WANTED this absolute KNOWING that I was this POWERFUL Christ Presence, WANTED to KNOW myself as That, FEEL myself as that.

And I came into this body in quite a new way – very anchored. It has lasted the whole day (included a visit to the Dental Hygienists who does rather painful work.)

I saw at night how the old identity was geared  to “help” only by taking over others garbage – and that it helped me feel very good and helpful and powerful ( but also VERY angry and filled with revenge-thoughts.) I know that believed I had no choice in this – and yesterday I was clear that I had: I could choose instead just KNOWING that my True Presence  is enough – TRULY! And being anchored in it will give me the necessary info about how to intervene or NOT.

I sat with that knowing for a very long time, confirming my choice again and again – THIS is what I desire. And what helped me was the KNOWING and bodily feeling that this IS my true identity.

From intellect into body-awareness – what a journey

It feels so very  good

Thank you Sarita and group – thank you thank you













Some years ago I took the training in Focusing. Recently I listened to a new method they called Untangling.

Here is a little of that process

Focusing… “Something in me says “ I want to wake up and be free so much!”

And something else says “no, you don’t have what it takes.” (Oh, I know that one very well.)

It also says, “when nothing happens at all, I feel safe”

WOW, that is actually a decision to resist change. Change is seen as threatening – ANY change means the possibility for disaster for this part.

No wonder it sees as its highest goal to sabotage it.

  1. part feels all the painful and inflamed, fearful and angry – hateful sensations in the pelvic area – and wants to heal this.
  2. part says “no healing/change is best = then we are “safe.”

Can I turn toward that terrified 2.part – (it may have valid reasons to be terrified of change, based on earlier experiences) and embrace it in Love – just as it is?

I can and I will

Can I give equal LOVE and attention to the part that says “I need this to heal and change” ?

I can and I will

I address both of them, one at a time, and tell them that I hear their point and accept it. And now – as both parts are allowed to stay as they are, and are given equal LOVE and acknowledgment – “yes, this is the way you feel and are, and I love you just as you are NOW” – then I see that things/change will happen for/from “our” Highest Good. Because when there is no more opposition and struggle, Christ Self will find a way to deal with this. The parts themselves cannot know what the highest outcome is – since “they” look out from powerful filters and walls, built on false perception and a need to protect the small unreal self and all its perceived sicknesses. However, when both parts are given unconditional LOVE, with no wish to manipulate them/change them in any preferred way – then Truth/Self takes over: the ego-investment and control has gone.

In this moment, polarization disappeared – struggle disappeared – and HUGE hiccups and deep coughs arise when realizing this – digestive system and breathing -patterns are involved in this change – this new decision.

How wonderful that “I” don’t need to heal anything – I just let go of the old decisions of control and disaster, and hand it over to Holy Spirit.























Our human desperation

To any reader…I am amazed that you hang in there, after so much tales of woe and lament…thank you! This blog is a spiritual and disciplinary practice for me – to just document the movement in a psyche that has been, and still is to some extent, been strongly split from a very young age – and how Love and A Course in Miracles-teaching are gently guiding back to my Self.

Any non-gently process comes from my judging what is presented to me to work with, to sit with, to be with, to just accept as such. This night was ALL filled with desperation. At about 5:30 I started to hear Blue’s voice, nudging me gently to see that this was the degree of desperation I had all the time as a child – and successfully denied and repressed – and this morning, when I heard His words, I also heard him mention that this desperation is the very refrain in the Sonship who still has not woken up.

“It is the desperation of the confused individual using psychological and spiritual means to BECOME awake and enlightened – all that striving, telling yourself that you are NOT as God created you. All that is required is resting AS the perfect Christ Self you are – any “trying” is just cementing the false identity. Remember -“ and here was a big smile  in the voice – “you need do nothing.”

I started to giggle, and was in that moment able to BE WITH all that desperation as it raged through the body. It was just a memory, now I could receive it and embrace it as a common predicament that brought me closer to the human race.

And for the first time I truly embraced and welcomed all that desperation-energy


Hungry Ghost: seeking for Love in the wrong places

This feels monumental

My good friends Peter and Mary came for dinner. Peter asked “can I have extracreme from that Creme-siphon in the fridge on my dessert?”

Immediately I felt a strong NO-signal. I felt a simmering anger inside – a clear sign to honor that signal from my Self. I drove right over it, smiled and said yes.

He emptied that siphon. He sprayed dollop after dollop on his dessert until it was emptied -and I could not get a sound out.

This is the place in the psyche where we murder our truth. The Self says: Saying YES here allows an unconscious habit to go unnoticed – the belief that love comes from food – sugar and fat above all

The inability to say NO comes from the most stubborn pattern running through most of my lifetimes: if you say no, you are in danger of losing your life .But what that REALLY means is that I believe I am in danger of losing the love from those around me – they will certainly leave if I don’t give big YES to all they want. In my confused ego-thinking I believe that I will die if I don’t get love from from outside – since I also believe that I don’t have LOVE inside – ALL THE TIME.

It’s who I am

I noticed this fully in the night with warm waves of gratitude. Ego tells me that I override and crush MYSELF when not heeding the no-impulse from inside. I am weak, cowardly, shameful. No – correction: the crushing comes when I JUDGE myself for not saying NO.

Saying no is a mistake, not a sin to pay for – and I can choose again whenever I am ready.

Right now the JOY is so tremendous: the pain came from JUDGING my choice not to heed the inner Truth-voice.

God does not judge us for this – why would we?

It is only my judgment of this that creates this horrific fear. I have met this fear in at least 99% of my clients and students. Coincidence: I think not.

The thing is – both Peter and I feel we never have enough. We still try to fill the old bottomless suck for love that the ego felt was not provided: we are hooked into Hungry Ghost *

It feels intensely liberating to pull the projection back from Peter: he is only reflecting back to me my own “there will never be enough”-ghost/addiction. It is THIS part I me I have always feared – and throughout all incarnations projected out on rapists, killers and what have you.

It is just a thought. Believing it is Hell – watching it innocently and turning to Love instead is Heaven.

Since it is not God-created, it has no power of itself. As I withdraw my belief and power, it melts.

With deep gratitude I look at Peter’s pigging out -he is only reflecting what I still think holds value: getting what this body-me needs, outside of Love. Now I take it back and smile at it: it is not serious at all, in Reality it never happened.

Enough is enough

It feels like black asphalt waves are rolling through me, onto the Shores of Home. I see images of birds suffocating in oil-waste – for me a great symbol of how we suffocate the messengers of Truth within our soul with our misuse and waste of energy: human judgment of what IS.

I forgive myself for believing that I am not my Christ Self. I accept and receive the weaves of self-hatred that I earlier have believed is me.

In Reality, nothing happened


*From Wikipedia:

Hungry ghost is a Western translation of Chinese  餓鬼 (èguǐ), a concept in Chinese Buddhism and Chinese traditional religion representing beings who are driven by intense emotional needs in an animalistic way.

The Chinese concept is related to the preta in Buddhism more generally.

These beings are “ghosts” only in the sense of not being fully alive; not fully capable of living and appreciating what the moment has to offer.

The English term has often been used metaphorically to describe the insatiable craving of an addict.[1]


Dismantling the costume


Sitting with a (theater)costume. It has elaborate seams: hundreds of them, vertical – like an old fashioned corset. I sit with a Stanley surgical knife and cut stitch for stitch, opening all the seams, and in his way dismantling the costume completely.

I used to work in professional theater with my husband. We had both a lot of paranoid traits.

I am dismantling the seams of my paranoid persona – stitch for stitch. It is very pleasurable.

These “seams”…what a sweet metaphor: the seams are “seems” = appearances.

I am seeing that I am cutting them, and that the cutting process is SO pleasurable

Sleeping and  then waking up…

There is a sudden radiant clear insight that what I have all my life- and lives – considered as threats from the outside -or from inside the mind, but not “mine” – in Truth IS me threatening me, attacking me – there is nothing outside the mind -it is confused mind, choosing the ego

choosing to attack myself – punishing myself for imagined sins against an imagined wrathful god…this comes from a perceived need to keep the Leelah-identity as my safety. Here is the very root of my fear:  the perceived need to keep the “me” identity in order to be safe

My only safety lies in resting in my true identity – the Christ Self.

Right now, there is laughter and release in seeing that I have wanted this dance of being attacked and  feeling righteous about it. It seems wonderful silly and hilarious.

The small identity has been terrified of its own choice to be punished

But that choice in MINE, and mine to choose against

I am unhurriedly on the path toward removing this self abuse pattern in the mind –

…( I am speaking the experience into my recorder in bed. Here is a long pause)

I am bathing in a divine Space of Peace and safety. I have demonized my own Self and  perceived it as “other” and then experienced the attacks from “the outside”  –  how impossible it is to be safe as this limited role we have made of our Self –

– the separated me does not exist: there is only a thought about a “me”, believed in – and because this belief is fully empowered and not doubted, the world of separation seems to come into existence

I am willing to see it differently now

I am all smiles


Close to Home

Dream: I am on a convention for healers. I wear a blue knitted vest – and then suddenly, it becomes white! And it now shifts from blue to white to blue to white – until I get it: this is an illusion. I am within an illusion.

The I am walking through a forest. It is night, but I feel safe. It seems that I have no luggage 🙂 Now it is quite dark, but I know there is a cliff some place  in front of me, so it is not safe to walk in the dark. I turn around, and it is as the day has just been switched on (well, this IS an illusion, so -) I turn around again, and notice that there is no cliff, just a steep hill. I run down the hill, and notice that I am very close to home.


Later today, I had a moment where I identified with being one who was tricked and taken advantage of. I remembered that I had dreamt the situation, and that I wanted to choose again. I chose the miracle, and the most exquisite  feelings welled up in me. Great was my joy when I realized that this belongs to my Christ Self – it does not come from the outside: when fear is gone, Love is present.

To recognize that THIS is Who I am –

I have no words

Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

%d bloggers like this: