Blue

Here is BLUE – the sacred animal in the cover of my book When Fear Comes Home to Love.

Just today – more that 30 years since I wrote it – do I realize why the Holy came to me as an animal. I smile and smile as I realize that the animal carries no baggage – while Jesus and God carry more baggage than Chicago Airport.

The image also shows how the Holy is always present in every situation – even the very darkest ones

This is BLUE – the symbol of embodied LOVE

Here is a short snippet

“Allow me to present the Blue to you – The Presence of Love within the Myth. When I started to write this book, my idea was to explore the figures within the Image and the Myth, and find their stories and healing potential. But three years into the manuscript Blue made Her[1]* entrance.

It was during one of my agonized sleepless nights. I started to pray, and found myself talking into my little dream-recorder which stays in bed with me. I decided to pretend that I was God and knew the answers to my agony. I asked, and “God” answered. It comforted me.

This repeated itself for almost a week. Then the ego butted in and persuaded me to stop these conversations. It wanted me to take the credit for the book, not the Divine.

That stopped the process very effectively.

But then I sat down and wrote down the conversations – and saw the wisdom, humor and Light within The Answering Voice. The moment I knew, with a wave of gratefulness, that these dialogues were going to be an important part of the book, I also knew that The Voice belonged to the sacred-looking blue animal in The Image, under the root. In that revelatory moment, the structure and intent changed: before, I was trying to write a book to be accepted by the academic world, to “prove” my worth to them – a futile and impossible scheme of the ego – now it became clear to me that Blue had planned it all! So this book is written to remind us all of that Guiding Principle within, Who faithfully leads us toward our awakening.

Conversations with Blue are meandering throughout this book, and the text is also spiced with short examples of Divine play, through the form of synchronistic events and magic “coincidents.” With deep compassion and humor, She shows us how She leads us and plays with us, and how darkness can be seen as layers in an onion, opening to the radiant Light at the center.

The following dialogue is one of the very first:, from 1997. Blue’s voice is in italics:

Talking with Blue / 1997

I am here to remind you that you are a child of God – and that ALL your journeys, stories, poems and images point toward Me. I am your sunny garden, your golden haven, your sacred heart – your one and only Mother and Father. Come home to Me now – I AM LOVE. I am here to urge you to RECEIVE YOURSELF.

Who are you, Blue?

I am you. There is no separation.

Can I call you God? Can I call you Christ?

You can touch whatever consciousness you want with your heart and intention. If you address Christ, His answer will be filtered through your consciousness and through your mind. And you will give My voice the voice you have been conditioned to use.

If you address Christ, it is from the Christ-source the answer will be given. How you hear it and receive it, is up to you, and will be refined through experience – much like an artist grows into her true form. –When you – and all humans – are communicating like this, you are doing yourself a huge favor: you are taking away control from the ego, and stepping outside its prison doors, into fresh air. I repeat, I AM YOU – there is no separation, except in your mind.

Dearest Blue – why have you taken the form of an animal in my image?

To show you my playfulness… I am Divine playfulness, cohabiting with the demons under the root – so you shall not take it so very seriously, my dear.

BUT IT IS SERIOUS!!!! IT IS HORROR!!! WHAT ARE YOU SAYING!!!!!

What is horrifying is to be trapped in the illusion that this Child is all you are. You need to have tremendous compassion for the Child – and at the same time recognize that you are also one with Me. The role of Child, this unhealed soul-fragment – “the one who suffers in hell” – is meant to be healed through the “Greater You.”

There is a GREATER REALITY (10) where you experience all as One. –You and I planned this drama – don’t get stuck in it! You are not the roles, you are not even the drama – but you are responsible for making the drama conscious, so you can step out of it. Yes – don’t get stuck in it, my love, PLAY WITH IT. As every actor knows, it is necessary to step out of the role. Child and Fuckeat are not YOU – it is something you explore to discover the dark places within you that you still haven’t loved and healed.

You cannot really choose love and light without knowing what darkness, denial and hatred is. When Adam and Eve were in Paradise, they did not know that it was good – before they seemed to fall from Grace.

So when you and your fellow-travelers experience and explore your root-hell, you will then have the necessary experience of torment-awareness to choose the opposite. But this choice becomes available only after having fully experienced and accepted your own tortured feelings.

Realizing the hellish drama as your own creation, [2]* will give you the impetus to choose love.

And please have fun doing it!

The essence in The Lesson of The Root is recognizing your error in identity – and then to choose again!

*

 

[1]*In the text, I may use ‘Her’ for Blue, our sacred Self, or Holy Spirit in Course-language. Blue is of course non-denominational – but in my experience, She has the quality of Divine Mother.

 

[2]* The Leelah-figure, according to the Course, creates absolutely nothing – the part of the mind that creates is outside time and space and has nothing to do with this body/personality we believe ourselves to be.

(10) At the time I was receiving this loving Voice, I was also deeply into Emmanuel’s Books: ‘Greater Reality’ is his term for Heaven.

 

 

I Know Where I Am Going

For me, this is a song about going Home to Who and What I am – Christ consciousness.

Poetically:

Heaven. God All Love.

When I was very young, I realized that the most trustworthy substitute for the real kind of love was chocolate. The dark variety was called LUNCH. My mother and I LOVED LUNCH and we ate quite a lot of it.

Now, mamma knew that she had to not know what went going on with my father and me, since that would not be acceptable and far from bearable. So when my inner agony screamed out to be heard, I quickly and quietly knew that I could choose to believe it was chocolate I needed – not the real thing. And then she joined me in comforting herself, too. So it was a bonding- a bleak substitute, but the stuff in the dark chocolate is very powerful and stimulated the coveted serotonins almost instantly.

But all my yearning – for warm arms and a lap and just being heard and received and loved and comforted – was squelched. And I started to tell myself that I was unworthy to receive the real kind, and that THIS was given me instead.

It was a clear choice from my soul to perceive chocolate as a power stronger than love – and a trustworthy and effective one as that.

This morning I knew with all of me that I am going to abandon that belief. That belief tells me that I prefer chocolate/ sweet desserts etc. to the REAL thing -the Pure Divine Love that I am.

Realizing this deeply this morning – after one my thousand dreams of not finding the way back Home from whatever country I am dreaming myself into – since Home was chosen to be a substitute when I was small. No wonder I could never find HOME in chocolate.

And non duality – and Jesus/Jeshua – tells me that what I choose to believe, God says yes to – since it is my free will.

It is my free will to think and act and see the consequences, forgive myself and my creations and choose again.

This morning I knew the point of no return has come ( I apologized to the bees and the innocent sugar canes)

I have felt so many times that entitities / parts – of me? live through my energy system- and nourishes themselves – each time I indulge in chocolate/ sweet food – instead of sitting with the yearning to be filled up with LOVE. The REAL thing.

It is all about my power to choose what/who I want to be my true comforter.

I realize that all the time I have comforted me with chocolate and yummy desserts, I have chosen NOT to trust that Love is there FOR ME.

There is nothing wrong with yummy desserts and sugar – but my choice for it as a substitute for Love gives it exactly that power.

I am not willing to think like that anymore –

and I am willing for this to be easier that expected – since I do this with the Holy, not alone

The body and brain has 76 years of addiction to deal with –

but I choose to do this WITH love now

with help from my guides and angels

and the recognition of Christ as my true Source

Chocolate

Photo by Jason Leung on Unsplash

When I was very small, disastrous things happened to me  for quite some years, and it was forbidden  – and impossible – to talk about it. I managed to repress it. But when it happened  again, the need to be heard and comforted was tremendous. My mother saw the agony, and was not able to – for reasons I now see with love – to truly open to me and allow me to talk. She did the best she knew– she gave me chocolate. I liked the dark variety best – it was called LUNCH.

There was much chocolate in my childhood – for the grown-ups too –

For past two years now, I have struggled with eating disorders. It has felt as a ravaging inner beast. Any food without sweetening in any way– honey is excellent -tastes dull and pretty hard to swallow. To just write that sentence down feel good and liberating.

I bought the one delicious cookbook after the other – since one way the disorder manifested was the absolute belief that I was starving to death, and to check that feeling-sensation I had to prepare all meals – to just improvise with what I had available was impossible. It was BIG CRISIS chiming in the background, and I was identifying with it.

And suddenly this morning in bed, it was just – possible 😊  to BE with that girl from the past.

I recognized that the awful feelings of “I am starving” was a GIFT – the energy was HERE now, to be dealt with as my creation. It had been MY CHOICE at the time in childhood to accept and believe that food had to be sweetened – or I would simply die and go directly into hell.

This belied * belief ( what a great typo!) came from my gift of sensitivity of energies – I had for a long time in “disaster-country” sensed the dark vicious energies embracing the situations. I had bathed in that frequency –  and the entities and beings there were hell-like.  So I “understood” that NOT eating sweets would just rip away all defenses and put me into this hell.

Now I saw that this all now rested on my choice: to believe that I am a victim NOW of hellish beings – or to be willing to recognize that I had co-crated the darkness – brought it up close to me – by believing  NOW, as adult, that they still had the power to hurt me.

They really don’t – since NOW – this sacred NOW – I can choose again. I used the forgiveness-method from Way of Mastery – that Jeshua tells us that he also practiced in his training for mastery.

And so I forgave the judgment I had placed upon my creation* :  I had judged myself to be evil and “wrong” and not worthy a shit – that was the meaning I gave the ongoing horribleness.

And what I have learned is that it is NOT what happens to us that creates trauma – but what we tell ourselves that the trauma means about US.

Yes, Jeshua says – it is what you choose to believe- and give power to, that drives your life as a seemingly separate human being.

So now I used the forgiveness-formula ( ps: you can read the WOM books free ***)- and ended up allowing myself to witness how the old traumatic images dissolved -I allowed it to.

Today has a quite new freedom to it. I have to be vigilant not to fall into the old automatic – and sometimes that happen – but my intention is clear: I want to BE with those sensations, those energies/emotions of “ I am gong to die if I am not taken care of NOW.”

And suddenly a whole level of inner critical voices seem to have left

***that link did not work. here is the url: https://www.christmind.info/t/wom/

I am One with God

Since last post, I have felt fatigue in such amount that I thought I was dying. As a metaphor,my bike’s back-wheel punctured – and I need my bike to hold groceries for me, so this brought up great fear.

I decided to buy stuff to fix the wheel and that I would get help with that, if needed.

The fatigue was still tremendous – and in addition, I found that my stomach was not willing to “ digest” anything – I simply could not eat, I was “full to the brim” with stuff not digested. Constant cramps in the legs for holding on to the energy and not allowing it to be grounded. Please help! What are these energies related to?

Immediately my awareness was, as so many times before, brought back to, as a small child, being abused by my father in a “Mr.Hyde”-state of mind – which I successfully dissociated. I remember making a decision to keep this horrible energy he was emanating, INSIDE me – it seemed in some way to be more controllable. And then I taught myself to dissociate too – and I was fabulous at it, so fabulous that only at 38 years old was I able to gradually know what happened to me and allow memories to come up.

I am 76 years old now – deeply committed to bring healing to all of it – and to dissolve any judgment I still have of the demonic stuff and myself. The cramps have allowed me to see that they come from resistance to the old abuser/Nazi-energy of my father in a dissociate state of mind.

As “Dr.Jekyll” he was the best father possible. There was a complete wall/ split between the two states of mind. ***

 

Now, to this glorious night:

I had a long dream where I travel desolated winter roads on foot. In a desolated wasted house, there are cut-off heads lying around, I try my best to not look upon them – but I HAVE TO – I must allow this fear to be felt in my solar plexus –so I allow it  – I LOOK.

Then the Police arrives 😊 they take care of it and remove the heads. When I wake up, there is still an echo of the agony in solar plexus.

Then I am in my last apartment – and I have signed up to be the protector and carer for a baby that I am not the mother to – she has gone somewhere. It has been given me to take care of. I am holding it –  it is in fact only a HEAD that I am holding – simultaneously an adult man’s head, and the head of a one-year old baby. I look at it with tremendous tenderness. At first, the man has the eyes closed – then opens them – and there is no life or soul in them – just distance. Then he sees me and awakens – and the radiance of his smile is dazzling. It is the smile of Christ.

Then as baby, he awakens too and sees me – an indescribable joy arises in us both. All is radiance.

I realize as awake that the tremendous cramps I have had for years come from demonizing that energy – for defending against it with all my might. And little Leelah had to do that of course – but the adult me has chosen to see it with Love and let go of it. Just energy now – unjudged, unburdened –

I invite the Legions of Light to tend to it in what way is most loving. I hear “ You just had to be willing to SEE and FEEL it through in all its gory details – and this time forgive the judgments about it, darling.”

Writing this, the Firefox-image started to flash and Microsoft demanded my “superpassword.” I wrote it in – (and become aware – what is my TRUE password that unlocks the blocks to anything?)

My superpassword is “I am One with God.”

And please substitute “God” with Holy, Christ, Universe, Buddha nature, whatever is YOUR word for It.

 

***I have described this clearly in  my book “When Fear Comes Home to Love.” And also all the ways I and my patients through 25 years worked with these issues, playfully and with deep compassion. Those maps for healing are in the book.

 

 

Where Am I – or: Where am I Not?

I am asking, since I seem to exist in dimensions with laws outside the physics of the world. Or – let’s say that I am “here” which seems to be in my house, and therefore ruled by physical laws – but my Guidance has no problem in manipulating physical instruments, like the radio-receiver. This is very practical when it comes to my connection with the Holy – God, Christ, The Universe, All that is – my Self – because when It started to twix the physical instruments many years ago, I realized that it had an intention with that – to make me notice that the Universe was on “my side”, wanting to assist me. At that time – about 25 years ago – I was exploring the common themes among my Expressive Arts Therapy patients and during some years I found ten archetypes we all had in common – described in my book When Fear Comes Home to Love.

These forms of energy seemed to rule us – and we all seems to have been abused in some way – physical, sexual or mental.

So the All That IS knew I needed help, and it amused Itself and us with arranging seemingly weird “coincidences” when we painted or were creating stories. ( The book is prop-full with these “signs” – with the title ” Blue is Playing.”) I named IT Blue, since I SAW the Divine as blue-)

Back to this morning – I was turning on a favorite music program and there was no sound. I turned the receiver up to maximum, and when I put my ear close to the loudspeaker I could hear a faint whiff of sound.

Then I “heard” a giggle ( it actually is felt within my body as pure playfulness) – and I found myself pondering ” hmm – do I simply have to TURN UP my listening / receiver? – ahh – could it be my reception to the Holy I need to turn up?”

Then this poem came floating in:

How can I listen to you when the Sun is on
the day swarms around me with cries for attention:
Poinsettia, table, legs, teddy in sofa,
 the book titled BREATH
and OH the Beech outside the window
like a slender dancer
You need to scream to me, God
Nonono 🙂
just turn your Love-receiver up
tuning in to Joy-station
let it take you

Bolero by Ravel
***
I  went out for a hike
Everyone smiled radiantly to me
I was overwhelmed by beauty
and IT was within everybody and everything

Most of the thick old and sick wood has been removed now – I have a glorious VIEW

This was thick wood with trees going up to at least 50 meter. Here was a wall of graffiti in the thick of the wood before – now openly strutting

The wall of that mountain is about 100 meter tall – 33 feet – and I have never SEEN it since the wood was too dense

My slender dancing Beech

Old gunk in the cells

I have an intolerable inner itching all over the body. Sensing into it, it hisses and hates. Immediately I recognize it as a signal for a radical choice: turn around and bless it. Accept it. Allow it to breathe and express – let it realize it will be heard and not condemned and judged.

A big room opens at my choice. I am lying in the dark for hours of this outpouring of hatred and hopelessness. I see that my worst experiences with ghosts and demons – those energies, from those souls that decide to stay on this plane after their death – they are here now to be SEEN and accepted and helped.

I did a lot of work with this ca 30 years ago – but then I had a belief that they were somehow doomed and less than me – “they must have done something terrible and this is their punishment” or something like that.

Long time ago I spent the night on an old farm, and it swarmed with ghosts and base, mean energies. Thank God there was a woman there who was NOT afraid, and we went from room to room and called out the ghosts to see the light and return to where they came from. I certainly saw them as something outside of “me.” Not anymore: we create these ghost-like lost beings by violently deciding against looking at them with love,

In the night, I thanked them all for not giving up trying to get me to SEE them with love. I saw that it was my violent resistance to these energies that demonized them. The shift in frequency was remarkable.

This hatred in my mind – there was never given SPACE for it. It was pressured together into a little stone hard ball, it could not even breathe in there. No wonder its rage was explosive.

I forgive all the ghosts that I have fed with resistance and judgments. I forgive all the parents in all incarnations I have had who never have dared to look at this inside themselves. I can now clearly see the same God essence in all – and how by our false perception we pervert it and make it into hate.  Help me realize how important it is to SEE and acknowledge this original hate and give it space to BE and to be seen.

I let go of the thought that I have been unjustly treated – that I am evil – that there is something wrong about me –

I remember our cat, Cleo – she had been rejected by her mother, so we got her when she was only three weeks old. She walked the top of the sofa behind us and hissed and growled, and I understood that she mirrored something in me. Oh yes. Now, 30 years later, I can see the depth of that hidden rage – never been allowed to be a child (or kitten )– with  a stable and safe-feeling mother.

I choose to allow Love to FLOW into all of this. I forgive all the roles I have played. I breathe the breath of Christ into all of it. May Grace take over.

*

After this I have a dream about a horse – free, wild, running just to run free and wild – it is its nature – its horsepower.  My breath is deep and free as I see my inner horsepower free. This is what we access when we have walked through our guarded rooms to the jewel inside.

Then I was given a wild dog called Tycho. That is Greek and means good luck – and hitting the mark. It also means having a good backbone

Next day and night the itching is back – and this time it is about shame. All the ways I have been taught to call myself shameful for acts or thoughts I have taken over from others. How beautiful to now be able to be the welcome and embrace of all those thoughts and energies, and finding the God- essence inside all of them.

Without the “me” and “mine” attached to them, it is just neutral energy, calling for love.

 

 

New place -or no-place

After 3,5 weeks of the Feminine Power -program, something inside changed drastically. The last week I have burned up inside, and body is sweating like crazy – but no fever, says the thermometer. There is a feeling of nothing to hold on to for the “me” – although there are LOTS of wonderful, effective and helpful practices in how to shift and change old patterns of victimhood and powerlessness.  But now there is an absolute impossibility about DOING something – not painting, stitching – around all of that is an ocean of hopelessness. I ITCH! Impossible to control this! No rules here! HELP!

Inside, I know: resistance to it creates the itching – get used to doing nothing to fix this – get used to resting and relaxing

Dream  this morning:

I am strolling through an area deep down in main town – a slum area, homeless persons, bums, tramps – jobless – but I feel safe there. Strangely, there is a peace here. Then the surroundings turn from outside in streets and alleys into a huge complex  – sic 🙂 –  now there are corridors,  but what they really are, are passages in my mind that are filled with elements that are culturally not  actively welcome by “society.” Since they do not have jobs – and are judged for that, being lazy and good for nothings and not “GOOD” citizens – this is the place in the mind that they are relegated to.

I feel only PEACE here – these faces are peaceful and harmless –

I discover an old classmate – she is leaning toward a wall, nothing to do, loose sweater and knee-length skirt, short reddish hair – there is nothing “made-up” about her – we just acknowledge each other with a friendly nod

The man I am walking with all day…he is dirt-poor, and still, kindness itself – we stop, and I look into his eyes

it is Christ

He has walked with me all the time –

The Inner Hunger

It is a place in my back that constantly itches. I feel it is directly outside the black mass that is visible inside the lungs ( nothing dangerous, says the doctor.) But a black mass is something that is very tightly repressed and judged, from my experience.
I zoomed into it as never before, and contacted a part that was never witnessed when small – and as a consequence, never got to learn how to express feelings – not even to herself. I felt great tenderness for her and she felt it.

I asked, “what is your own freedom?” “ To KNOW what I feel and feel safe to express it” she said. “ To trust that what I feel is Okay.” And now she felt seen and safe and not judged.
So I went into the very core of that desperation, validating her – “of course you would feel like that” again and again – until it was empty.

The itching went away.
I have recently set an intention to wake up inside a dream – lucid dreaming. It has not happened yet. This morning after the deep feelings, I had a dream that was very vivid – and I decided to move back afterwards, when I was awake – what Jung calls active imagination. It worked fine.

The dream: There is a powerful lady who knows how to catch huge fishes – man-size. There were three of them – pitch black and beautiful. Very sensuous – there was a cat-feeling around them. They were standing up, looking at me with eyes brimming with love.

She caught them to eat them – but I did not want to cut their throat and eat them, they were sentient beings, like angels even.
As soon as I made that decision, they turned snow-white. They told me they just wanted me to sit there with them and absorb their energy – the Christ within them. “You need do nothing.”
Ego needs to kill to eat. Spirit assimilates.

I saw how I had made those huge feelings black by judging them. I wonder if that mass may disappear now.

I do that with food: bless its original essence, calling it forth.

The usual crazy hunger is absent today

A New Human: transformation of suffering, an alchemic process

I have recently practiced ” I choose to want God/LOVE above all NOW.”

It truly has rolled beautifully, until this morning when the usual agony was back. I opened a note-book at my bed table: (Please click on it to get the whole text.)

I then remembered that I had already painted three images of this process many years ago. Luckily I saved them in a file on my PC – here is how it may look when we, as Self, embrace the darkness – and what it then turns into ♥

Here it is absorbed

and these two images show the next two stages in the transformation process

As you see, the darkness has transformed into a Menorah – a light-giver

The suffering self leaves the driving seat


The eye was very painful the whole night until ca 5am. There were coagulated  morsels and strings of something that looked like resin around the eye.
“Infection”  said intuition.

I asked myself what I wanted with this creation.*** There were many layers: there were definitely perks with going through pain and being a good girl, i decided that it certainly  justified wine etc. afterwards.

And this identity is, as most of my readers here will have noticed, A HUGE part of  my identity – what I call ME.

I looked at the wine bottle on the kitchen sink and realized that choosing wine and “comfort” I had completely identified with that wrong-minded identity. “My” justification was ” But I DESERVE it.”

Which I is that? The separated one. The suffering one. The small self. And I was radiantly aware of myself as a role – beliefs I have taken on through parents, teachers, ancestors, society – in short, the world.

I had taken her on, like an old costume -I had NOT acknowledged the Self in me who had experienced the great realizations under the knife. By choosing to tell myself “I DESERVE this now” I had failed to see  that this suffering-me believes that suffering MAY at least justify being comforted. That is her perk

Which is really a cost!

And of course, that victim -identity can have infections.
I know that my true I cannot.

As long as I mainly identify with this girl, I will never wake up.

I realize that I chose that suffering identity last evening who took her comfort from wine and food. And that is why the eye hurt so much and looked so infected.

It was my thinking that was infected. The thoughts themselves are neutral – but the moment I attach an I am to the thoughts, I have declared it to be my identity.

I reached out to my Way of Knowing-group on Facebook and asked for prayers –  for affirmation of my true Self, my true I/eye.

Within 1/2  hour my eye healed. ♥ Pains gone. Slightly red, but no more gunk oozing out. What an enormously important lesson I gave myself: you HAVE inner parts/patterns – meaning, they are in your soul as memories – but I AM the One Who chooses what I will identify with. To be aware of the little one and comforting her is so very different from believing I AM her.

 

*** In “the Way of Knowing” by Jeshua, channeled by Jayem, Jeshua teaches us that as sovereign souls we create our response to everything that happens to us. When we make choices out from the separated self, we choose out of fear and anger and confusion, and we may choose to “suffer to atone for sins.” Choosing from Self is always choosing to see with Christ’s vision – looking for the eternal Love within the perpetrator.

 

 

 

comfort

 

 

 

Previous Older Entries

Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

%d bloggers like this: