DOG

The last 3 years or more, whenever I have met a dog, there is a furious barking at me. My neighbor’s two dogs go crazy when they see me. It is not fun at all. I get that there is a furious “dog-energy” inside me that I still haven’t made peace with.

Two days ago, a dog barked wildly on my lawn under my bedroom, 2 am – running frantic to and fro.I went out and yelled at it to go home, a huge rage was in me, and it felt like it was actually acting that out FOR me, making me aware of the energy within me that i until then had judged.

Same morning, my neighbor came out to walk her two dogs the very second I was opening my door.The dogs were in a leach, and  barked and charged  at me like crazy.

This  anger-mirroring became even more clear when yesterday, a visiting dog next to my neighbor ran out of their door and stood peeping at me through my fence. It was orange and its look was fierce. Then it too started its wild barking and came charging at me. I pretended I was trained by Cesar Millan and radiated calm assertive energy ( or intended to!) It charged in a bow around me and ran to my door – and then stood on its hind legs, barked wildly and begged to be let in.

Then its owner came running. She did not look at me at all! But she yelled at the dog: this is not your house! you do not live here! and reluctantly, the dog turned around and followed her. Not once did she look at me – like I was invisible.

Later I had two friends visiting for Christmas. Late evening we started to talk about anger, I shared the dog-incidents and that I thought they were mirroring old anger in me. Something deep in me relaxed – having been shared and not kept inside a cloak of shame.

I could not sleep. The body felt like filled with angry ants, eaten alive from inside – and I started to realize that this happened FOR me, not TO me. I wanted to do Spontaneous Transformation on the aspect that carried this tremendous inner irritation. For almost 2 hours I focused on the chest, where I found the aspect, and told it “I see you, I am here for you, I am not leaving.” I drifted in and out of spacing out, but suddenly, the connection was made – the aspect KNEW it was witnessed, not alone, not denied, not judged anymore. The next hour, the  intense itching/rash abated,and I got some hours sleep.

This morning I went up early to hike high in the mountain to see the sunrise – and to pray as Jeshua teaches us in Way of Mastery, as the closing ceremony of this year’s training. As I crossed the road to take the path up the mountain, I passed close to four sled-dogs living in a little shed of their own outside  a farm. And a concert started: no barking this time – just a wild howling for four voices. I was aware that my energy was changed – and I got he idea that this was a singing to my honor: I had truly owned that wild attack energy in the night, no more resistance to it, no fear or judgments – it felt like I was one of them.. a wolf-pup being accepted into the tribe.

I taped it on my little recorder. Tears were running, great release.

The howling continued until I had passed their house.

Then I climbed the hill, watched the sunrise, prayed and received the Light, It felt wonderful beyond description, and I was filled with joy and gratefulness.

At the path down again, I heard a click to my right, and it was my cellphone that had taken a photo. This one:

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This green heart…I looked into the ditch by the trail at right, it was a heart shaped stone covered with moss. I took a deliberate photo of it:

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I felt blessed. I met people with dogs coming toward me on the trail, the dogs did not notice me at all, and we humans  wished each other  a Joyous Christmas. There were lots of smiles.

Close to my house, my closest neighbor was out walking her 2 dogs. For the first time in years, no reactions at me at all – but a big smile and hug from her.

I am blessed

 

 

The Holy Child

 

 

Today I want to share a true story from “When fear Comes Home to Love.”

As the birth of The Holy Child threatened the kingdom of Herod,the Christ within us all threatens the reign of our inner “Herod”, the ego.

At Winter Solstice 1994, I gathered a group of students to celebrate the newborn light. In my healing-room, I had created an altar on the floor: a deep blue rectangular cloth sprinkled with small golden foil-stars. An angel guards each corner. In the center, a tall altar-candle, surrounded by a wreath of stars in silver and violet. When the group-members take their places, only three figures are present on the cloth: a Shepherd with his long staff and a little lamb – and an angel who has called him to follow the star leading to the Child.

I present the Shepherd as an image of man in harmony with nature and animals – man living and acting from instinct and heart, from a deeply felt interdependence with life. Our authentic Self.

Now I present the rest of the figurines belonging to the Christmas-mystery, one by one: please notice, inside yourself, how these characters live and are part of you – and which qualities they bring to the sacred event: Joseph… protective, fatherly, faithful. Deeply accepting his role as the head of his family and serving God. Never questioning his destiny. Mary…the motherly, nourishing quality… grace… innocence, willingness to serve. Her silent ecstasy by being the Chosen One to carry forth the Child and the new consciousness on earth. Through the Divine Feminine incarnates the Holy Child.

And now the animals… we sense them inside us: the motherly and faithful cows. The sheep, the lambs, the bull and the ass – they are all present when Truth is born. There are no false borders between the true humane and the animals.

Now I place the tiny Jesus-figure in the crib: the pure love, the total trust, the one Heart who embraces all. The joy, the innocence – the Sacred.

We are sitting in the circle in an atmosphere of unfathomable peace and SPACE. A Voice in me asks us to enter meditatively the stable where the Child is lying in the crib, and BE there with all our senses..

When I approach the stable, I am filled by breathless expectation. Time does not exist. The moment is eternal. The stable is so small – and so infinite in extension. There is nowhere in the Universe that this stable is not.

I hear small small sounds. They create a musical image: the creaking of the straw. The smack of tails. A deep sigh. I smell the comforting smell of warm cow-bellies and fresh milk. I AM HERE. THIS HAPPENS NOW.

The Holy Child is lying naked in the crib. The clear brow! His eyes are open, peaceful. I have never in this body met such a look. His eyes are reflecting Heaven – I feel that all these eyes fall upon, must melt in love. I know beyond all doubt that this child is safe in the dragon’s den, he can meet the horror beyond all horrors – and all that is seemingly dark will yield and melt before this look: all disguises fall away, all illusions fade. These eyes can only see truth. See the essence behind the monster-mask and the dragon-hide.

I am filled with a burning wish to learn to see with the Child’s eyes – and I give this wish to the Child.

A couple of nights after this, my wish is fulfilled.

I awake at night, seemingly captured within an insane and destructive energy. I am mortally afraid. “This time I am done for!” says Fear. Further and further inward through the dark hellish caves,, then downwards through yet more abominable depths of horror. The visions are unfathomably gruesome.

Then I remember The Holy Child.

In that very moment I have Him in my arms, and see with His eyes. My heart and lungs expand, all is filled with light, all that is monstrous is melting in light, there exists nothing else but this light. Everything else is unreal, created by our own fear. I AM FREE. I know Who I am. He and I are one – and so are we all.

Unbounded relief and gratefulness fill me to the brim. Warm tears flow warmly and dissolve the fear and agony the muscles have contained. Everything these eyes look upon dissolves and reveals their true essence, which is love.

But living in the world and in the body has a way of letting you forget what you see for real. A couple of years later I sit in meditation in one of Denise Linn’s seminars – about to meet our main inner guiding principle. I am on the shore of a crescent beach, the sand is smooth and golden, the sun is caressing me. I am looking out toward the horizon: a vessel is gliding toward me. I can only glimpse its outline, the sun is so bright. – Now I see it is a shell – like the shell in the painting “Primavera” of Botticelli. The inside is pale pink shimmering mother-of-pearl, with a rim of shining white, like a halo. Sitting inside the shell is my guide: it is the Holy Child! He sits like a little pink Buddha, laughing, holding a shiny, radiant transparent golden ball. It is made of light, but still seems to be material. The shell is sliding softly onto the sand, and he is holding the ball out to me: “This is yours.”

I recall with a stabbing pain in my heart that I so often have failed to receive this Child. I have seen Him often, but told myself it is only imagination – or convinced myself that I am unworthy. The Child is not judging me. He is not reproaching me. I do not have to confess my sins and regret to win his love. “Remember Who you are!” He says. “You and I are One!”

“I will never forget.”

“You will forget again and again. And beyond time and space I am in reality always here and now. There exists nothing else but this now, and only fear takes you out of it. The fear is not real. I am.”

 

A New World

Christmas eve

I am receiving an Amygdala healing, listening to an audio and allowing whatever happens to happen. At first there is a time period to allow  the ultimate vicious, deepest depraved, violent destructive hateful darkness in the mind to arise and be released. All is allowed. Then there is a ray of light that hits the Amygdala, and gradually my body and brain is filled with the calmest light

I wake up in the night and notice a remarkable shift in thinking: there is no more identification with negative fearful thoughts. I can “hear” them, but they carry no life.

I have a dream where I rescue and take care of a much tormented cat. It has eaten – digested – something – I care deeply for it, and suddenly its body convulses and it poops out the inside of a ballpoint pen.

That must have hurt! And affected free movement – and, well, everything about its catty life: wild free sexuality, the excitement of hunting, deep rest and its joy of being caressed…the cat symbolizes something deeply instinctive and alive in me. And “my” cat has digested something completely indigestible for it: that which is the essence of a pen: mental activity being expressed.

Or better said: the “supremacy” of the intellectual mind.

I love these clear dreams. And the cat is OK now 🙂

Christmas Morning, 25th: I am bundling up to go to the mountaintop close to my house to do a ritual that Jesus describes in “The Way of the Heart.” It is  dark and cold: minus 15 degrees Celsius / 5 Fahrenheit, snow, very steep climb up the trail to a point I have chosen to meet the rising sun and a new world seen with the eyes of Christ. The Ritual is about leaving the past behind and looking with Christ’s eyes at the New World.

The climbing is easy, I am enjoying each step. And there is my favorite place to look out over my village and home – and wait, there is a new signpost: “Peekout” – and it point to a new small trail further up. “I want to go there!” says my heart, and fear answers: “ No – I may miss the sunrise and the whole ritual.” The heart calmly lets me know that I know where that trail leads – up to a place where before stood a little cabin.

Still – I allow the fear voice to “win.”

I start the meditation, facing the place where the sun is rising – and receive its energy into the body, allowing it to fill the spinal column and the whole body. It feels good – but something is “off.” Still, I follow the instructions that Jesus tells us he followed in his way to mastery.

After I while, I open the eyes. The red rising sun is right in my face. I immediately decide to follow the new trail. In 3 minutes I am up there – and somebody has built this wondrous little free cabin for anybody to sit and watch the view –

Now the ego is having a field day: “You screwed up this holyholyholy initiation. You should have gone up here  at once- it was made for you  – to meet the rising sun and the new life! Now you have screwed up ultimately moron moron moron”

Oh the shoulding 🙂

The gift is: I have been reminded to follow the heart. “Follow the nudge of JOY you feel. Trust that it will take care of everything – including the time-aspect.”

I trusted instead the voice that told me I MIGHT be too late for the sunrise, following the new and unexpected trail.

I recognize how I – and most of humanity? – have allowed that warning voice, painting out disasters and failure in order to “make us safe” – to be valued.

Jesus is giggling at me, tenderly tickling my ribs. “All I want is that you are happy and extend your treasure to the world. There are no “too late’s – there is only NOW”

I go back down to my house.Time for celebration! I eat my newly smoked and roasted ham, two soft boiled eggs, bread, fresh raspberry jam and Yogi tea. Today’s tea label: “Time to leave the past behind”

Time to leave the past behindgiggle giggle giggle

Then I go out in the sunny shiny new day, up to the Peekout Shelter once again and decorate it with a little troll I have made, with the word “Now” on it.

I meet a zillion people when I go back down. I say Merry Christmas to everyone, they all smile and greet me back. What a feeling of unity it brings – this greeting each other.

Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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