Cramps of Self Judgment

I am sitting here crying of release – since such a ginormous breakthrough just happened.

I have had strong recurrent leg cramps for about 20 years – and accepted that it was part of getting older.

Not so!

I  have had an incessant bitter, vengeful complaining going on – how unfair life is, God is a devil who allows me to go through all the horrors – or: he doesn’t care about me obviously – so I there must be something WRONG about me-

The thing is, as a “spiritual seeker” I have automatically judged myself for all this ranting – Oh, I should know better etc etc etc .

And today, as my leg bent in scary ways and I screamed for help and it did not abate, a soft insight started to grow: this is not YOU – it is A PART OF YOU.

The second the identification with suffering let go, a strong flow of warmth and relaxation flowed into my tortured legs, and the cramps were simply non-existent.

Which part, God?

This is all the ranting belonging the metaphorical girl who went through “the hole in the ice”*** – and who never was allowed ( by others, but most by yourself, Beloved) to express her pain and needs to be comforted. In these cramps you (and all the others “out there” who work with these patterns -) have lovingly worked through these collective beliefs of unworthiness, unraveling their structure in the One Mind we all share. We bow to you and everyone like you – you have found many of them recently in the new blogs you are following – like Kathy, Robin, Barbara – emphasizing including and loving all parts of us

I know these thoughts will repeat – they belong to us all – the part of the mind that has forgotten Who they are – but the difference now is that I will not automatically be swallowed up by the pattern. Now it will simply be a reminder to breathe, let go, relax – and feel a deep compassion for the scope of pain this part of the human suffers.

Very simply stated – instead of instant ( subconscious ) self judgment, there will be an invitation to embrace this old collective wound – taking the child up from the  hole in the ice, see yourself carefully warming it in blankets, singing to her is excellent – there are no shoulds in singing,  just a loving frequency meeting the old pattern of self-denial.

*** That girl and boy  is an archetype of suffering in the One Mind we all share. In When Fear Comes Home to Love I explore and describe it clearly in text and poems, images and case-stories, and autobiography.

This is the cover of When Fear Comes Home to Love – where archetypes are explored with case-stories,autobiography, poems and images – and lots of silly-wonderful synchronicities. The Child pictured here in the archetypal child of abuse.

Bewitched Princess

I live from the old adage – As within, so without. – I have chosen to believe that whatever I react to from outside, mirrors something inside I still have not forgiven and released.

I am currently given to explore the archetype of the Bewitched Princess – within myself. She is the one who is lured into mountains by Trolls – and ends up believing in her bewitched role: guilty, sinful, slutty… and wanting more of that kind, “cause that is who she IS.” She is an inner “gestalt”, and she is available for light. My job as an awakening human is to learn to relate to the archetypes inside my mind with compassion, Light, love. As I use the methods I find most effective ( which are constantly developing) the influence from the darker archetypes lightens -I can more easily recognize “ah, there she is -” – no more identification, just a recognition of something that needs my attention and Love.

This is a fairytale that we find in most cultures – Beauty and Beast is one variation – and in 1974 I had stage design and puppet design in a production in Oslo New Theater, The Companion – with my brilliant husband Karel Hlavaty as wizard of the technical stuff. He was a master of illusions, professor in Puppetry and technology, and was one of the small group in Praha who developed the method of Black Theater and brought it to Europe – via Laterna Magica, the famous Czech theater in Prague.

Karel flied from the old Czechoslovakia in 1968 when it was invaded by the Soviets, came to Norway and we met at the Arts and Craft College where I took my Bachelor. He got a teaching job – and he wanted me as his assistant. To be honest, he wanted me in other ways too. I was 24. He was 49… and dark, gloomy looking and with a tremendous charisma. We ended up working together in Norwegian Theaters for 20 years until he died in |1988.

He introduced Norway to Black Theater and other experimental forms. The rod puppets below are made by me, and belong to a Norwegian Fairytale called ” The Companion”

Here the princess is with the troll, as depicted by Carl Larsson, Swedish artist

And here the Bewitched One hangs by my bedroom window. As I woke this morning, the sun shone right through her costume – which is what transformation is all about. We need the Light of Divinity – or Holiness – to help us see through the dark form to the eternal innocence inside. And more and more these days I discover the truth in this – that LOVE is eternally present as the essence of all – from Troll to Princess.

And when I turned my head on the pillow this morning and was met with the sight above, it felt like The Holy Rays of Light shone right through the old costume of bewitchment. And deep inside, a blessed warmth grew through an ice cold part of me.

In the story, the main character – Johannes – gets a mysterious Companion who knows well all the levels of magic and transformation, and assists Johannes in getting the princess he wants so much. But since she now is bewitched, she won’t have him. The Companion assists him on his way into the mountain to lure and listen to the conversations between the Troll and The Princess – to find out how to purify her and change her back into her free self and to cut the head of the Troll/ The Bewitcher, whom we all have inside.

So there were two puppets starring as princesses – here she is in her True Self. My poster to the left shows The Companion and Johannes, and the magical holy Sword of Truth behind them.

In my book “ When Fear Comes Home to Love” I describe my own and patients’ path from being “swallowed” by archetypes and  back into the Light that is our true Nature. By working with these themes for 25 years I detected ten archetypes – all of them well described in Myths and Fairytales. And now, with Karel through 20 years, I got to explore them even more in costumes and characters in our productions.

Blessing the opposite

As many of us, I have hidden influences from this incarnation or before that – many of them inherited from ancestors, as newer science will tell you. Some of you will recognize a tendency to sabotage yourself: – this pattern may be such a gestalt/entity, and it may be a way you have told yourself you are not worthy unless you do x and x,a way you try to fix yourself and perform as a way to earn value.

Which is of course futile – our value is intrinsic.

When such a part of our Self has had time to develop throughout several incarnations – and we always have succeeded in repressing it – it has become very powerful and strong and will exert a strong influence on us – often being mirrored back to us from the outside: in my case, editors delivering LOTS of errors and complaining that it never has happened before. Or stuff getting lost in the mail –  or the PC constantly telling you ” this does not work” ( and then it works)

So I have a possible solution for this, my friends and readers: blessings.

Blessings have that immediate effect that it melts and softens any contracted energy inside or from others. If a person annoys you, burst into blessing – and bless him/her in the opposite of what they are expressing. If they are grumpy, bless them in their kindness, their patience, their compassion. If they are fearful, bless them in their groundedness, their connection to their Self/any spiritual being that comes to mind – bless them in their memory of being a child of Love/God – bless them in their ability to receive deep motherly/fatherly love, comfort, security etc.

You will feel very good after this – since when we bless, we receive the same as we gives.

Don’t tell people you bless them 🙂 just go at it and you will see a difference.

 

 

Clinging to suffering – and PLAY

In Spontaneous Transformation  I have always loved that Jennifer McLean  speaks about PLAY: – we are not “working” with ourselves, we are playing. That word was my main reason for ordering her free book – and from there on, I was all in.

As I play with STT through the last year, I notice that frequently ancestral stuff comes up – and also age old collective material, waiting to be seen and transformed. This morning the pains in the body were indescribable, and asking for guidance I was told to open When Fear Comes Home to Love – the book  I wrote about fear- archetypes that constitutes all kind of abuse, and ways to relating to them with love and creativity (play).

This is where my finger landed:

***They are unconsciously clinging to their own suffering.***

AH! that’s what I am doing – that’s the reason for the pain!

And with that realization, it simply went away as if it never existed.

I read the paragraph:

“They have forgotten that it is all part of the drama; they have confused themselves with the roles they are playing. By never recognizing their self-hatred, the soul attracts again and again the same form of abuse or self-punishment. Because of its severity the soul cannot stand to look at it, remember, feel and heal. It prefers to “forget” – and as I told you: what we resist, persists. The soul sees itself as a victim, then – “I have not the power to create my life, because of X” and consequently puts its power “out there.”

The voice in this text is my guidance. He came up one night 32 years ago where I was for years plagued with attacks from darkness. I started to speak my agony into a little recorder, and then “I” pretended that I was God and answered me. Luckily I wrote down those answers, and then a publisher out of the blue called me and asked ” shouldn’t you write a book?”
And I understood that these dialogues would be part of it – and that I wanted to find out WHAT creates the demonic

With Jeshua – or “Blue” that I called him for years – I did that – and I used stories from my patients and myself.

This morning I looked for that part in me / us all/ who think they are unforgivable, and therefore is unconsciously clinging to guilt and suffering.I was taken to disasters,massacres,what have you – and the only thing I found out to do was being the embodied compassionate Mother, embracing that pain -and honoring their old feelings:OF COURSE you held on to these thoughts – you had learned, as we all do, that we have to suffer and be punished for our bads. One image was vivid – having been accused of exploding a beautiful planet – and believing I was guilty because of it.

WHAT IF that really was part of the the big plan?

I love the process now in my STTs, where the work lets me find this deep guilt and allow the system to express itself and be met with all love.

If somebody wants a STT session pr Skype, the first one is half price

Union in January

Some days ago, my thread-less doorbell sounded. It did not play the whole tune, just two repetitive notes – like a cuckoo.  And nobody was there – but the impulse had been given: let me in.

For those who has followed this blog for a while, you may remember all the times the entrance-light has teamed up with me – it has refused to turn itself on when it is dark outside, so I have been nudged to find that place in me where I have darkened my light. And each time I have found that place and remembered that it is just a mistake, the light has turned itself on.

My immediate response to the call from the invisible was sheer panic. The energy felt vile,threatening,deadly, I felt spooked and sat down and prayed for assistance. I was shown that this was a part of my soul and being that wanted to be allowed to return – and that it felt so dark because it had been so violently repressed throughout centuries.

I gave a promise that I allowed it – remembering that I could trust the process.

Yesterday the doorbell cuckoo-ed again.

The same feelings of dread came.

I had just returned after a particularly nasty experience with my dental hygienist – I had a scaling. She had dripped the anesthetic into my mouth instead of rubbing it at the gums, a place in my throat went numb and it affected my breathing. And I did not dare to  blame her, point this out as an error. I was transported back to the worst traumas where I had anesthetized myself  and established a coping mechanism of not saying a word or showing any sign of distress at all.

So in the night when the fears returned, I did a Spontaneous Transformation on it.

I found the aspect of me that I had established as a protector: it was inexorable like the medieval inquisitors and torturers. It threatened, accused ,degraded, hated, hated and hated some more. Thor the Threatener and Thorturer.

There was an instant release in the energy the moment I noticed him ( in my lungs and heart-area) and saw him with love and no judgments. I saw how he had protected my psyche from going insane, and from speaking up, which certainly would have been very dangerous. So I honored him and felt waves of gratitude flowing in. I then saw him looking at little Leelah with very different eyes – and I turned my full attention to the receiver of his hatred and control the last 70 years:  lets call this aspect little Lee.

She was encouraged to feel what Thor so masterfully had prevented her to feel as long as she was not held and loved, like now.There was rage, impotence, deep agony and fear of seeing what was done to her, guilt and shame and a deep belief of unworthiness – for sure she had to be guilty to deserve such treatment.

The fun thing was that while she expressed and felt her feelings, Thor was watching with great compassion and tenderness.

I had to switch between to the two – since Thor occasionally fell into deep self-hatred for what he had subjected little Lee to – but all the time it was possible to keep them apart: honoring them both had made that opening.

And the final phase was beautiful – the more I loved and fully honored both of the aspects, the closer they moved to each other until they embraced like old friends who had not met in eons. The energy of this reunion was blissful

I, as their neutral and loving Observer, asked them if they would like to do a closing ceremony – finding a word that expressed their most prominent state there and then. Thor the Thoughtful said, “I am Truth.” It gives me the shudders to write it. Little Lee said: “I am Peace. And Joy!”

I made a circle with them in my mind’s eye and they repeated their true identities.

Tapping for senseless tragedy – EFT

These are Dawson Church’s words:

Tapping for Senseless Tragedy

Dear EFT Community, friends, and family,

We live in a world in which the news is full of senseless tragedies. From terrorist attacks, to school shootings, to random acts of violence.

These tragedies can disturb and upset us. Often, we feel helpless, because there seems to be nothing we can do to prevent them, or to help the people affected by them.

However, there is always one thing that we can do, and that is to remain calm, loving, peaceful and compassionate within ourselves.

When we get upset, worried, angry, guilty or sad, we are not in a position to offer anything helpful to those around us. But when we cultivate inner peace regardless of the senseless tragedies in the world, we become a beacon of love and compassion to everyone around us.

From this empowered inner state, we are much better equipped to respond effectively and appropriately to the suffering in the world around us.

I wrote this tapping script to use when we feel emotionally overwhelmed by senseless tragedy.

Tap through the points in any order that feels good to you. In the script, I suggest specific points to tap, but these are guidelines only, and you can pair tapping on any point with any of the affirmations. A tapping diagram appears below the tapping script.

When you’ve used the script, please share your experiences with others. Use this link to Facebook to encourage and support other people who are struggling with these same issues.

You are even more powerful when you share your strength!

Thank you,

Dawson Church 

*

Tapping Script for Seemingly Senseless Tragedies

/Leelah’s remark: you find an illustration of the location of the points under the article. I now tap each time I see horrible images, which makes it so much easier not to be overwhelmed and terrified by them./

KC (Karate Chop Point): Even though I don’t understand this senseless tragedy.

KC (Karate Chop Point): Even though I can’t believe people would do such a thing.

KC (Karate Chop Point): Even though I can’t believe this is happening.

KC (Karate Chop Point): I deeply and completely accept myself.

EB (Eyebrow): I can’t imagine the things that happen in the world.

SE (Side-of-eye): I can’t believe we live in a world in which such things are a possible.

UE (Under-eye): Why would anyone do such a thing?

UN (Under-nose): It doesn’t make any sense.

CH (Chin): It doesn’t make sense to hurt other people.

CB (Collarbone): It doesn’t make sense to cause such suffering.

UA (Under-arm): It doesn’t make sense to cause such violence.

KC (Karate Chop Point): And even though all this violence and suffering makes no sense.

KC (Karate Chop Point): I deeply and completely accept myself.

[Repeat while taking three deep breaths and tapping the KC point]

EB: It could have been me.

SE: It could have been my family.

UE: It could have been my loved ones.

UN: It could have been my friends.

CH: It could have been anybody.

CB: All those poor people.

UA: All that suffering.

KC: All that violence.

EB: I can’t help them.

SE: I can’t help myself.

UE: I can’t help the ones I love.

UN: I can’t protect anyone.

CH: All my regrets.

CB: Can’t help any of them.

UA: Can’t help me.

KC: Can’t help the people I love.

KC: And even though there’s nothing I can do.

EB: Nothing I can do.

SE: Nothing I can do.

UE: Nothing I can do.

UN: Nothing I can do.

CH: Nothing I can do.

CB: Nothing I can do.

UA: Nothing I can do.

KC: Nothing I can do to help those who are suffering.

KC: I deeply and completely accept myself.

[Repeat while taking three deep breaths and tapping the KC point]

EB: I now send love from my heart.

SE: To all those who are suffering.

UE: As a result of this senseless tragedy.

UN: I now send love from my heart.

CH: To all the people in the whole world who are suffering.

CB: I now send love from my heart.

UA: To all the people I know.

EB: All my friends and all my family.

KC: I now send love from my heart.

EB: To myself.

SE: To the parts of myself that are suffering.

UE: To the parts of myself that are violent.

UN: To the parts of myself that are senseless.

CH: To the parts of myself that cause harm.

CB: That cause harm to myself and others.

UA: That cause harm.

KC: And even though I’m not perfect, I deeply and completely accept myself.

[Repeat while taking three deep breaths and tapping the KC point]

EB: I don’t know why this tragedy happened.

SE: I’m powerless to do anything about it.

UE: I can’t even understand it.

UN: And even though I am unable to understand it.

CH: And even though I am unable to help.

CB: And even though I can’t do anything.

UA: And even though I’m helpless.

KC: I deeply and completely accept myself.

EB: I can’t help them.

SE: I can’t help myself.

UE: I can’t help anybody.

KC: And even though I’m helpless, I deeply and completely accept myself.

[Repeat while taking three deep breaths and tapping the KC point]

KC: My being upset.

KC: Is not going to help anybody.

EB: My being angry.

SE: Is not going to help anybody.

UE: By being angry and upset.

UN: I’m adding to the anger and upset in the world.

CH: I choose now to release it.

CB: I choose now to release my own suffering.

UA: I choose to be at peace.

KC: Despite this terrible tragedy.

KC: I send peace and love from my heart.

KC: To everybody suffering now.

KC: I send peace and love from my heart.

KC: To my own suffering mind.

KC: I send peace and love from my heart.

KC: To the whole world.

KC: Despite this terrible tragedy.

KC: I choose to be at peace.

EB: I use this terrible tragedy.

SE: As a reminder of how important it is for me to be at peace.

UE: As a reminder to be a person of peace in the world.

UN: No matter how violent that world is.

CH: I choose to be a person of peace.

UA: I choose to be a person of love.

KC: I choose to be a person of kindness.

KC: I choose to be a person of peace, love, and kindness.

[Repeat while taking three deep breaths and tapping the KC point]

EB: I resolve that every thought I think.

SE: Will be nothing but peace and kindness.

UE: I resolve that every feeling in my heart.

UN: Will be nothing but compassion and love.

CH: Filling myself now with compassion, love, peace and kindness.

CB: I send that energy out into the world.

UA: To touch and heal everyone.

KC: I am a powerful creator.

KC: I have powerful energy.

KC: And I now send that powerful energy out into the world.

KC: To touch everyone else with peace compassion and kindness.

EB: That is what I can do.

SE: This is in my power.

UE: I may feel powerless.

UN: In the face of this senseless tragedy.

CH: I have power.

CB: To send the energy of love out into the world.

KC: I have the power.

KC: To create peace and love in my own heart.

KC: In my own body.

KC: In my own energy field.

EB: I now claim my power.

SE: To create peace and love in myself.

UE: And send those intentions out into the world.

UN: I am a powerful creator.

CH: And I choose to use my creativity.

CB: To create peace and love all around me.

UA: No matter what else is happening in the world.

KC: And no matter what choices other people make.

KC: My choice is clear.

KC: I have made my choice.

KC: And my choice is to be a person of peace and love.

KC: In my own mind, my own body, and my own energy field.

EB: I radiate peace and love all around me.

SE: Despite this senseless tragedy.

UE: Despite all the tragedies in the world.

UN: I choose to be a person.

CH: Of peace and love.

CB: I choose to be a beacon.

UA: Of peace and love.

KC: I choose to be a person.

KC: Of compassion and kindness.

[Repeat while taking three deep breaths and tapping the KC point]

EB: No matter what choices everybody else’s making.

SE: Only I choose how I feel.

UE: Only I choose the kind of person I am.

UN: And I choose to be a person of love.

CH: I choose to be a beacon of kindness.

CB: I choose to be a person of compassion.

UA: I fill my own heart with compassion.

KC: I fill my own body with compassion.

KC: And I fill my own mind with compassion.

KC: I walk into this day as a beacon of love and compassion.

EB: Kindness is not weak.

SE: Compassion is not weak.

UE: Peace is not weak.

UN: Compassion is stronger than fear.

CH: Kindness is stronger than violence.

CB: Peace is stronger than any tragedy.

UA: Love is stronger than fear.

KC: And as a person of love, peace and kindness.

KC: I walk now into this day.

EB: My heart is at peace.

SE: My mind is at rest.

UE: And I am strong.

UN: I am love.

CH: I am peace.

CB: I am kindness.

UA: I am compassion.

KC: I am.

[Repeat while taking three deep breaths and tapping the KC point]

 

———-

 

Other Resources:

• Overcoming Adversity: How Energy Tapping Transforms Your Life’s Worst Experiences: A Primer for Post-Traumatic Growth by Caroline Sakai, PhD

• EFT for PTSD by Dawson Church, PhD

• The EFT Manual by Dawson Church, PhD (see the chapter on The Gentle Techniques for tapping for trauma)

• Psychological Trauma: Healing Its Roots in Body, Mind and Memory by Dawson Church, PhD

 

 

Sharing:

Please share your experience on Facebook here 

Email a link to this page to any of your friends affected by tragedy

 

Driving

A friend called me and wanted to talk. I had voiced my concern at his way of diverting himself while he was driving: he has a screen with a “slide-show” of photos from his childhood. He told me that his car had a radar that tells it if objects are in its way, it will react appropriately. We talked for a long time, I listened very carefully to him, and also pointed out the places that made me anxious to listen. After having voiced my deep worry several times, and also truly listened to him, something shifted between us. The atmosphere turned more spacious and light, and he explained how he looked at the moving photos on the dashboard to help him stay awake on the long straight drives on the highway. These are stretches where accidents often happen: people fall asleep from the monotony.

I was starting to see the great metaphor of driving our car/our individual self/ through life with our eyes on the road and the traffic around us – paying attention – and how as a writer, I am writing my manuscript with fear or diversions or with kindness and flow. I recognized how often I “fall asleep” – no longer in contact with the landscape and traffic around me, instead looking at images from the past to keep me “interested” in the never ending story of a separate“me” who always need diversion – speeding up – taking chances – adrenaline – so afraid of just being or driving straight ahead. Feel free to drive by me here if this bores you, just give a honk as you pass and we will wave to each other and hopefully smile.

So we talked, and I listened with curiosity to how the both of us, instead of fighting for our perception to be the only valid one, slowly found our places in the driving parallel files – and suddenly he gasped and started to cry.

A big space of compassion opened up around us, and he started to share a story of great fear and control in his childhood, and now seeing that he had a choice to be present in other ways than taking risks on the freeway. The energy shift between us was palpable – all that exhaust and fumes and vrooming from the cars melted and there was only a sunlit load that led right into the Sun itself – or whatever we choose to call that truth where things are really simple.

Thank you all for driving with me

 

 

The three mothers

ODE TO THE GREAT MOTHER

I’ve had three teachers
My Indian Guru
Life and the Great Mother
The first transmitted me the Light
Through life I was painfully confronted with myself
While the Great Mother took everything I gained

How wonderful were those ten years of bliss
Roaming around like a child
Innocent, carefree and foolish
The world being paradise once again
Wandering around though never leaving Home
Everything continuously smiling at me

How painful therefore being pulled back
In what was forgotten for a long time
That other part of me: the common self
Unaware of the work still to be done
I tried to survive in the world
Suffering setback after setback

As I saw only “winners” all over the place
Everything was constantly taken from me
First my family, then my home, land and work
Once again my children, then success and a future
My ability to function, my credibility, my money
And finally my health and some friends

Never ending confrontations with myself
With everything rejected, denied and suppressed
Drove me crazy, brought me to utter despair
My Self-identity once so gloriously present
Broken to pieces, covered with a layer of mud
Not knowing where life would lead me

How lucky I eventually was
After I thought it was all behind me that
Life confronted me with the greatest crisis ever
Which put me with my back against the wall
In utter helplessness
I surrendered to the Unknown

Without samsara no purification
No liberation from identification either
On the Path suffering appears to be crucial
Peeling off the layers hiding the pearl
Bringing you to the Ultimate Reality
Emptiness Itself

While you are striving for Enlightenment
I have come from It
Identification with the goal prevents you from enjoying
As you climb the mountain with much effort
I met you walking down the road
In your ambition you didn’t even see Me

There is Nothing to achieve
Only relaxing in What You Are Already
To open yourself like a flower in the morning sun
Trusting the wondrous “laws of the Universe”
Getting in touch with the Space in and around you
Restoring the Wholeness of Life

Beyond Enlightenment and Death
The Real Treasure resides
It is the Womb, the Abyss of the universe
How compassionate She was to me
Breaking me down until Nothing was left
Hence I called Her the Great Mother

At the end of suffering the Origin appears
It is the meaning of all destruction and loss
Rather than trying to “save all beings”
You should let it happen
In order to discover what is Behind
To die and being reborn is where IT is all about

Your burn out is a rebirth
This is the meaning of a culture that is dying
Emptiness doesn’t tolerate too much accumulation
Both inner and outer things will be broken down
It is the goodness of the Mother to take
All ignorance, self-centeredness and ugliness back

How dear are all those to me who suffer
They are Mother’s chosen ones
How pitiful on the other hand the many who are
Trying to escape missing the wondrous gifts of samsara
On the other hand surrender to the Mother
In Her Vacuum the Light is born

If you think you have achieved you missed
Her NonReality is beyond all realization
Praise the miraculous Womb of the universe
And your rebirth will be ever lasting
And me? Being Nothing I am determined by everything
She set me free in order to become a prisoner

How poor my compassion when it really matters
Mainly concerned with preconditions
I constantly fail to respond when it is needed
Deep regret about so much lost chances
I return to the Mother who takes the sadness from me
Reminding me of my place in Her plan

The key paradox is this
Only by giving yourself up you will be saved
It is the Mother’s invitation
Her compassion wants to bring you back Home
She has been waiting for you for so many kalpas
So don’t disappoint Her

May all those who have heard the call
Whose passion is to restore the Wholeness of Life
Messengers from the ten directions
Come together practicing Unity in diversity
In this most desperate of times
Leading mankind to its Original Heritage

2003 Han Marie Stiekema

Poem source: adishakti.org

Waking up in the shower

In the shower, I sense chaos subsiding, energies align with clarity.I sense the aura purring like a cat who is stroked. I am aware of some very clear thoughts:

The suffering child/me – and my whole childhood –  is a projection. The memory of the violated suffering little child me is in this moment seen as a construct of ego. I have told myself that I must never betray her, as she was betrayed – meaning I must keep “her” close so I can be there for her if she falls into panic or psychoses. Now I SEE that if I withdraw my investment in the belief that she is ME and that it happened in REALITY, the whole story crumbles and evaporates. There simply IS no “me” to save.

What has given her reality – brought that story into flesh and emotions and vulnerability and victim-hood and me and other, is ONLY  the Holy Son of God’s  choice for the possibility of separation. That choice is taken with the free will that God gave His Son – and so it is manifested.

As the water strokes the aura, I know in gratitude and release that in Truth, there is no suffering, no separation, no victims and predators – there is a false belief in guilt and sin projected into the separated fragments of the One Son. I am not leaving “her” – betraying her – there is no HER other than in my constructed story of separation. I can turn of the projector – I am willing to see clearly.

*

Writing the last sentence, this poem by Thich Nhat Hanh comes to mind.

Please Call Me by My True Names

I have a poem for you. This poem is about three of us.
The first is a twelve-year-old girl, one of the boat
people crossing the Gulf of Siam. She was raped by a
sea pirate, and after that she threw herself into the
sea. The second person is the sea pirate, who was born
in a remote village in Thailand. And the third person
is me. I was very angry, of course. But I could not take
sides against the sea pirate. If I could have, it would
have been easier, but I couldn’t. I realized that if I
had been born in his village and had lived a similar life
– economic, educational, and so on – it is likely that I
would now be that sea pirate. So it is not easy to take
sides. Out of suffering, I wrote this poem. It is called
“Please Call Me by My True Names,” because I have many names,
and when you call me by any of them, I have to say, “Yes.”

Don’t say that I will depart tomorrow —
even today I am still arriving.

Look deeply: every second I am arriving
to be a bud on a Spring branch,
to be a tiny bird, with still-fragile wings,
learning to sing in my new nest,
to be a caterpillar in the heart of a flower,
to be a jewel hiding itself in a stone.

I still arrive, in order to laugh and to cry,
to fear and to hope.

The rhythm of my heart is the birth and death
of all that is alive.

I am the mayfly metamorphosing
on the surface of the river.
And I am the bird
that swoops down to swallow the mayfly.

I am the frog swimming happily
in the clear water of a pond.
And I am the grass-snake
that silently feeds itself on the frog.

I am the child in Uganda, all skin and bones,
my legs as thin as bamboo sticks.
And I am the arms merchant,
selling deadly weapons to Uganda.

I am the twelve-year-old girl,
refugee on a small boat,
who throws herself into the ocean
after being raped by a sea pirate.
And I am the pirate,
my heart not yet capable
of seeing and loving.

I am a member of the politburo,
with plenty of power in my hands.
And I am the man who has to pay
his “debt of blood” to my people
dying slowly in a forced-labor camp.

My joy is like Spring, so warm
it makes flowers bloom all over the Earth.
My pain is like a river of tears,
so vast it fills the four oceans.

Please call me by my true names,
so I can hear all my cries and my laughter at once,
so I can see that my joy and pain are one.

Please call me by my true names,
so I can wake up,
and so the door of my heart
can be left open,
the door of compassion.

http://www.spiritualnow.com/