Sitting with God this morning –

The first thing that presents itself if “How can I ever trust God completely – remembering all the times in beautiful surrendering, Love flowing in – and then  suddenly Heaven turns itself into hell, where that one who was recently my dear companion turns  into a demon that devours me?”

How?

After this question, there comes awareness of how defense-patterns have taught me to constant be on the lookout for signs that this “switching” in the other person is about to happen: I sense it energetically and via changes in their facial expression and voice. I trained myself to instantly split my consciousness and dissociate.

And the body still carry this habit: being close to God/bliss means that hell is about to happen.

What a conditioning!

The thorough training in not being present during abusive attacks – and the premise that the attacks are real, and not a projection from my mind – and therefore the healing must happen in the mind FIRST – the ROOT must be uprooted

What a tremendous control I have established as my “protector” – expecting the worst, looking out for it, always.

Control = con troll 🙂 – meaning colluding with ego, or what a friend called “Taz” ( for “Tasmanian devil)

I see it now, with a giggle

You are showing me  the basis of all these dreams of being attacked:

A thought that God  – our true Essence of Love and eternal Peace – CAN turn into a Devil who will devour you and crush me – again and again.

While I speak this into my little recorder, the dark clouds outside my window become transparent and the sun flows in

“And this is the thought you have repeated in a majority of your incarnations” says the Voice  – “and thereby fortifying the identification with Taz, in its victim-part. You have also learned *that all these attackers  also have had  outstanding beautiful qualities: extreme sensitivity, almost all of them, and a majority are great artists or  pioneering persons in different fields of society – and they all have this ability to split off their Mr.Hyde-part from their kind Dr.Jekyll.

You made the assumption that to have the ecstasy of creating freely, following the blissful process of creativity, you had to accept the dark side and become a victim of it.

At the base of all of this is the thought that God can change into your worst enemy and stalk you and destroy you – which is exactly what the Son of God thought happened at the  seeming moment of separation, believing the impossible Tiny Mad Idea.”

Feelings of guilt and sin comes in waves –  it feels wonderful to know that these are just bodily memories based on false thoughts: just errors. I see how completely natural for the Taz-mindset it was – and IS – to believe in and identify with sin, guilt and fear –  the mind’s  unholy trinity. I see how intrinsically those dark qualities are assimilated in the mind of the dreamer and its dreamed-up 3 dimensional figures.

God turns into the devil – because by believing in the TMI, YOU think you have turned into the devil – and you now project it  into your image of God. This is the god many Christians believe in – he wants to be feared, and he burns down villages and turns people into salt if they don’t follow his rules. By believing in this God-image, this story, this is the god many humans have experienced for millions of years.

I have faithfully played out my story for innumerable incarnations. I have hung on to the Silly Mad Idea for eons and I surrender it  and allow You to correct it. All that is here are appearances. They are not real.

I look at this me/Taz that is hypnotized by its story and want to keep it. Strange. But there it is. Luckily I have learned that not judging this means that I have forgiven it.

*( through my investigation  in my therapy/healing-practice  with my book – “When fear comes home to Love” – see right menu

Conditioning breaking off

Yesterday a spiritual teacher sent a very high and loving energy. It felt so wonderful and uplifting that I listened to her tape twice.

The night was one of the worst. I prayed for help and insight, and in the morning it was suddenly clear:

The split off girl – that I have mentioned some times, particularly in the bio – has the last days come more forth. I was shown this morning that the harsh defense against love that comes each time I have a breakthrough, is nothing else than a habitual reflection to a very traumatizing split that happened again and again with her father: first, there was a loving union of minds and hearts – and then, from Heaven right into the darkest hell: something took him over and the abuse started.

Of course a child will learn to split these experiences off – but what was most awful about it was that I/she learned to see love as a signal to horror – she conditioned herself to immediately go into dissociation.

And the miracle now is that I this morning see the possibility for beauty  and healing in this: instead of the habitual conditioned disgust and hatred of  the part that defends itself so strongly and create all these pains for so many years, I can be with “her” and hold her need for defense in the heart – and in that way, stop all the judgment that makes it stay.

Twice this day did I experience “her” crying in release, when “she” was met.

Comment from Mara

For you both, Leelah and notes…so resonate with you both, Same here with difficult nights, and peace at day…all part of conditioning falling away and knowing to feel fully all that is present. Yes, expansion and contraction..natural movement and flow. That is what we are experiencing with this see-saw, ‘in and out’, of awareness or whatever you want to call it. We feel that quality of clarity in awakening is ‘lost’, or the clarity deepens and in between this it feels lost. Of course there is nothing to ‘do’…the ‘I’ that ‘got it’ was never there, and can do nothing (it wasn’t really lost.)
You are that awareness, and this is the grounding, you (we) start living it as spontaneous happening(s) occur. :) )) Relaxation and tranquility increases spontaneously….much love, Mara (some of this said in email to you Leelah :)
nice to meet you notesofashaman :)

And  my blog today would just share that the ground floor SEEMS to be lost 🙂

Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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