First Love

We were 19 and 21 years old when we met in the same class at the College for arts and crafts. Our love was cataclysmic – the energy of us two together had the strangest effects on our surroundings – like furniture making strong and strange sounds when we were not even touching. He told me it could not be us – as he had betrothed himself to his girlfriend when they were thirteen! He told me that he was the only support this girl had and that he could not disappoint her or leave her.

So after one year he decided that he had to move to another city and continue his education there.

Last kiss

You are returning to
Your native village
Where your old girlfriend is waiting for you
The one you promised to take care of
From you were thirteen
We kiss in the car, steam pearling on windows,
Enclosed in a small cave of steam, bodies
Dissolving
I open the door,
The sound of the raging waterfalls
Close by
Receives us
This is our last together

And right in front of us
A red fox stops
In the middle of the road
Looks at us
And disappears into the wood

This night I worked with a “part” that makes me feel ice cold and which eats like a wolf. Being with it made me shift in and out of consciousness, but still it was aware that I was with it in a loving way.

And I dreamt about my first love – (which I have done a thousand times, and mostly stressfully) – this time there were no blocks between us, neither inside or outside.

I realized – I saw – that we shared the same violent aggressive energy in our bodymind that I have named “Fuckeat” in my book “When Fear Comes Home to love”. And at the time we came together, our common unconsciousness propelled us together like a powerful magnet –

I suggest that since I have worked the last 25 years actively with relating to that energy with kindness, working with that energy last night touched his soul too, and we met in a state of mind/dream where there were no more blocks

My gratefulness is unbounded

 

Wolf Hunger

I went through a process that Sarita Premley taught us yesterday (Way of Knowing-students.)

The repeated question to the part goes something like this: “
a)”What do you *get* from acting like that?” and then ” b)when you have that,what may be even more important/wonderful to have – the deeper level of that-?)

Here are the stages of consciousness I found in the part that carried (and carried out) the pattern and energy of the Wolf-hunger.

1.answer: the need to be free from others’ influence. A kind of safety.

2. Freedom from “you shall you shall you shall you must you must you must you ought to! OR ELSE!!”

A lot happened in the body after this. Lots in sinus, big hiccups.

3)Embodied sense of protection.

4)Safety-feeling

5)Absence of all the demonic images this part sees ( let’s call them Fufus – that removes a lot of energy from them. If you are interested in processes that heal your relationship to fields of fufu-consciousness,my book – see below – describes a trustworthy path, well walked by me and my patients and students.) Even though I have healed this, there are still parts of my subconscious mind that have not –

***Insight: the tension behind my eyes might be just this – the urge NOT to see these images, and the conclusion these parts have made about themselves: “I must be awful, sinful, guilty etc.*** This insight instantly frees up a lot of tensions.

6) Feeling free from others controlling me. Autonomy. Me being the one who decides.

7) Inner peace

8) Deep KNOWING that the decision is mine.

9)KNOWING that I am free – that my mind is free!

10)KNOWING who I am – my true nature

11) Sovereignty.
At this stage, my mind overflowed with LOVE and a recognition that this is my Source or Core.

When the part has reached down to what we call a Core-state, breathe and stay there, receive it fully. Reminding the part that this Love that is here is there always, and can be reached/accessed without all these intermediate states. Available always – AS our true Self.

12) To the part: Now – when you know you already have this from the beginning – how does it make all this different?

***I know I cannot be manipulated for real.*** This LOVE is unharmed. I can choose to focus on this. And everybody else has the same freedom. I can choose to see through to this part in them – our essence.

At the end of the journey, the parts can now travel through the time line WITH the resource/Love and share it with all my other parts – and also travel back to the point before conception and bring this resource all the way forth, into the future.I did this – a great way of joy flowed through me.

I do not know if the wolf hunger has gone. But if there is some left, I will just repeat the process – the results were beautiful.

The book with these processes is called: Core Transformation by Connirae Andreas.

My book with mine and clients’ exploration of how to heal the dark fear parts of our mind: “When Fear Comes Home to Love” by Leelah Saachi. You find it in the right menu if you want to read more about it.

White Dove

As I was awake in the night with great pain, Holy Spirit said: open your eyes and see Truth. Before that, He said words I cannot remember – but the meaning was that in reality, everything is beauty.
I touched an old pain in the shoulder area – there were green pastures wherever I looked. Happy playing children with happy happy voices

And the pain went away

I went to the lung-area, and there was a shining Presence inside a light filled grotto – reflexes from water filled and played on the walls…what an image to fill my lungs with – there was a sound of ten thousand happy babies laughing – Love said “ they are blessings. There are blessings everywhere you look. Remember these visions from now on – remember that anything else is unreal and in the past, and that you can choose to let it go and be done with it.”

After this, I listened to the  mediation on the last webcast  from Way of Mastery – so wonderful and potent –

Israel – this is so great to hear for me:

This body is the vehicle through which you explore your connection to yourself and to others, and to Mother Earth. You explore it THROUGH the body. You as consciousness is present here now, and knows the body is a thing to be cherished and honored, respected and loved. The vehicle through which we get to explore and experience this work – a little while. A vehicle through which the consciousness has learned to transform experience and relationships. 

And also so important – that we put our intention through our breathing to release the darkness.

I am gonna relax the perceptions I have about myself. I will relax my GRIP on consciousness – I don’t have a grip on it .
Relaxation is allowance.

This day I visited our little town nearby. And The Holy Spirit was there, on the bus station. One shiny flawless perfect little dove among the hundreds not so white pigeons. An old woman looked at it too, we looked at each other and smiled knowingly. Then it came to a young woman with a baby in a pram. I said I have never seen a white dove before – except in the Bible. She nodded. Then the dove flew right up in front of her face and almost flapped her with its wings. She startled – and then the dove repeated the maneuver.

A few second later, all the pigeons were gone, and the young woman too.

Then I saw a wonder of a movie: “About Body and Soul.”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7B4hCzq7H70

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Presence – or Heaven

When you have a family with a big split – there’s a lot to clean up afterwards. Afterwards meaning when you grow up and realize all you have buried – all the conclusions you made as a wee child when shock happened, what all that meant about YOU – and the great coping mechanisms you made to surf it and survive it all.

So comes the time when you look at yourself with great compassion and decide to receive all those old feelings, give them an expression – not to get back, not to win, just for yourself: this is how it felt in the body. I have a right to feel it – it is healthy and it is healing me.

So I have been gradually working myself closer and closer to that man in my life who planted the shock in my body when I was a baby, and who planted the shock waves in the family in a way that allowed us all to live in ignorance of what was going on – himself included. I deeply believe that I am born to explore and bring consciousness to this tremendous split – and what happened this glorious morning was an instrumental piece of atonement of what I have named “The Jekyll and Hyde”-syndrome – where the loving father/mother in one second switches into his demonic twin.

This morning, there was a great opening to ” it is OK and welcomed to truly feel that fear. To completely allow those energies of insanity back into the body and consciousness – because you are not alone NOW: I am with you, and I am willing to feel this with you.”

The voice speaking this is what I call the witness/observer:

This is THAT in us that was never harmed or hurt, that cannot die, was never born – that embraces and love you completely each and every moment – your Self. And since most of us have succeeded in putting this Self in the backseat, so we can truly explore separation fully, we now want to gently allow it back in.To not set the bar sky-high, we may go for an angel instead of the Self:  a witness who is completely accepting and loving of all that we are. Deeply nourishing energy, kind, gentle wise and strong. Just like the parent we all wished we had   –  here it is now. Just pretend! that’s what imagination is for.

As the Observer sat with the aspect of my Self who still carried this insanity-energy locked up somewhere outside/inside the body, and suggested that  I was willing to feel everything WITH the aspect, something relaxed in her. It is vital for me that I remind myself again and again to keep a space between the Observer and the aspect – in that way, I will not merge and fuse with the insane energy, and it will – for the first time – notice that LOVE is present.

Guess what happens when insanity meets LOVE?

Exactly.

And so I was willing to take the chance, the small self/aspect trusted the presence of the Observer.

The first seconds, there was a gradual building up of sensations in the body. There was fear, and the Observer suggests, ” I encourage you to feel that fear. Good for you, you know! At last you dare to feel this fear.Go for it!”

And you might take a big breath when you read the following: the energy I write it with, is pure bliss and Presence.

Suddenly I and my father are together in a winter landscape. It is dead calm, except that this is all about life. We stand still on our skies, there is no sound, no others. Just a Presence of Being that embraces us with indescribable love – allows us to know who we are in this world, one with all. And this feeling I feel WITH this man – it is what is available for us all. Seen from this loving level, we as souls chose all that dark energy to come into play to be explored.To come to this sacred moment where we both see the truth of who we are.From this point, in the bed in the morning, I forgive myself for setting myself up for this and for asking him to play this role. I forgive myself for being involved with these energies for so many lives – and it simply does not make even a nudge in the Self that we are.

Next memory: my father and I sit in a wooden rowboat on an ocean with out a single ruffle disturbing the endless mirror like surface. It is sunny and warm, we are fishing. It feels like we are sitting on the very edge between heaven and earth – and what is above is what is below, there is only here and THIS.

Third memory:

He walks ahead of me into a wood. He knows exactly where to walk. He is a pathfinder, and now he leads us to a paradise of shining yellow chanterelles.  I am in ecstasy! He had led me to a treasure, and he allows me to pick them all, smiling tenderly at my joy.

At the path back to our car and civilization, we talk about the bushmen of Kalahari – how we both adore them and their way of living.

Fourth memory:

My mother has recently died. My father and I sit in the living room – he in his big self-made  green armchair, me in front of the fireplace. We listen to Mozart, and all pain is transformed in the radiance of our union.

*

In bed, I feel the energy of the beauty and presence we shared, and recognize it as the absolute truth of who we are. I recognize that I can choose to allow the dark energy now to come into those heavenly spheres of Self and Truth – so I do that.

Writing this down – and sharing it with you all – is my way of grounding it. Growing up with this split and deep denial – as so many of us are – creates HUGE fields of distraction/dissociation-energy as a necessary smoke shield of protection. This pattern we have named “US” – so now it takes vigilance and steady practice to notice “oh there i go again, distracting and confusing myself. I really want peace instead.”

And then I choose to remember these places where we are one: skiing deep in the wood, out on the sea,  finding the golden treasure together – and being lifted into the bliss of Mozart.

*

Thank you for reading this through. I love you, whoever you are who chose to do that. If you enjoyed it, you may also enjoy my two books here on this blog. Or not 🙂

The Archetypal Onion

Waking up wanting to die. Kind nudge from Self to get up. Oh no, I must have more sleep/rest. Smiling Voice: Whatever you choose, you are completely loved.
Slept one more hour – waking up with same crappy feeling. Now more motivated to listen:“Get up, drink water, and open up to this suicidal feeling. Remember this practice from lesson 13 of The Jewel of the Christ:

This must be the experience I most need to be having right now,
as more of Christ Mind is birthing into, and through me.
Only Love is Real.
Thank you, Lord, thank you, thank you.

Last of all, begin to pay attention to how you respond to contexts that are less
than peaceful, whether such moments arise in you, or another. See if you can
‘catch the beat’ of habit that leads down the path of ‘story’, attempts to ‘feel
better’, or to ‘fix’ it.
Instead, breathe, and ask the three questions we began with:

~ what specific sensations are occurring in the bodymind?
~ what specific thoughts?
~ what specific qualities of breathing?”

After doing this, I am nudged to use the Emotion Code Method again- and I discover that the laminated chart I made, has two sides: the one I am pointed to now, has a choice of “Trapped Emotion Flow Chart.” That is one level deeper than the one yesterday.Becoming aware of this, my body responds with a released sigh.
(I described the first part of this process on my blog:

https://ninotchka44.wordpress.com/20…-emotion-code/

As as a Therapist for 28 years now, and also a student of the Jewel Course, I find this simple practice with a pendulum and a magnet excellent, and right up there with Radical Inquiry. For me, it goes even more to the roots, since it bypasses much psychological resistance. So here is what you can do if this resonates with you:

Emotion Code: google it or/and Dr. Bradley Nelson

And the Magnet:

google Nikken products MagDuo

You can google “how to learn dowsing” or search “dowsing” or “muscle-testing” on You Tube – and if you don’t find it easy, find an Emotion code practitioner. It’s even possible to get a session for free with a practitioner on the website .
In my mind, dowsing with a pendulum can be learned if you intend to

The process today continues what happened yesterday: Then I found shock as the very root – today I release three more “onion layers/feelings”: self-hatred – dread – and confusion. I know mentally that the next ones are hopelessnessness/powerlessness, and the outer layer:aggression/violence in the forms of fundamentalist religions.

Today I have practiced the prayer that Jeshua taught in the Way of Mastery, the Forgiveness Chapter:

I am the Source of this situation.
I judge you(situation) not. I extend forgiveness to myself fo what I have created. I embrace you and I love you and free you to be yourself. And I bless you with the blessing of Christ.”
Then see that image or memory gently dissolve into Light until there is no trace of it left,and be done with it.”

*
As I am diving into the archetypes, Jeshua is pointing to our 25 year-long exploration, with patients/students and in my own process, described in my book “When Fear Comes Home to Love”

When Fear Comes Home to Love: The healing gifts... When Fear Comes Home to Love: The healing gifts…

– and that the archetypes explored in that many-year long process, have the latest days spiraled down to its very roots. My stomach always crawls when I mention my book, because this is making me visible as something positive -and within this archetypal onion, visible means either a dictator or a victim. It also touches a very common “law” in the human mind: “who do you think you are? Do you believe you are better than us?”I am not better than. Self has written this book through Leelah, who was willing to have that happen.

I open my wise-quote notebook randomly, and find Jeshua’s words again: -“Whenever you extend forgiveness inside your consciousness, your emotional field, to another, whether they be physical present or not, you are extending to them exactly as if they were physical present in front of you.” The he adds, “They still have to receive it, don’t they!”

So now I extend forgiveness to myself for choosing to believe in my smallness and for identifying with the archetype Child, described in my book – and for using other people to prove to me that I am powerless.

And choosing again: I choose to be open to notice- and actively receive – all the positive changes lately

Since I did this this morning, the rest of the day I have found myself suddenly bursting out in tears by reading a sentence in a book or paper – something is so ready now to be released and it feels so wonderful.

There is also TIREDNESS

Edit/Delete Message

Reality – and where we think we live

My friend Coreen R.Walson allowed me to print her crystal clear teaching story about reality here.  When you find yourself reacting with WHAT! please read to the end: reality is the upside-down of what it seems to be in this world.

And I couldn’t have read that if I had not experienced this upside-down perception myself –  where the laws of Love were seen to be quite the opposite from the laws of “nature.”

Enjoy.

*

THE HALLWAY –

Imagine a long hallway, and you are at the beginning of it. And at the other end is a brilliant, white light, yet it is soft and warm, and inviting. And you know intuitively that it is your job to keep focused on this white light. While you are in this hallway, you experience perfect peace, complete satisfaction, a quiet sense of joy and a tremendous sense of gratitude, and a remembrance of your connection to and Oneness with the Creator floods your consciousness. And in this stillness you know that everything works together in perfect harmony, and all that you ever need is effortlessly supplied for you, because it is your Creator’s pleasure to provide all that it’s creation needs and desires. And you are in a state of awe before the grandeur of reality, the perfect balance, the rhythm of life, the perfection, the beauty and the Love the permeates you and your surroundings.

And as you begin walking down this hallway, you notice that this hallway is lined with doors. All of them look identical. Then all of the sudden, one of them swings open and there stands your best friend, with a panicked look on their face, motioning for you to come in and look! And because you love your friend, and you are concerned, you enter into the door, and find yourself in a room, where there are chairs lined up facing a movie projector, that is playing a movie called scarcity. And your friend is talking rapidly about how the economy has been hit very hard recently due to a crisis in the housing market, how prices for food and gasoline have gone up, how there is a shortage of food, and jobs are hard to find, and she can’t afford her rent . . . . and you watch your friend point to the movie playing, and you see how agitated she is, . . . and as your eyes become accustomed to the dark in the room, you see people sitting in the chairs, some with their eyes glued to the screen, some have fallen asleep in their chairs because they’ve been there so long. And then you receive a stirring within you, . . . . and a still, small voice reminds you of where you just came from, . . .that feeling . . . where was it . . . oh yes, back outside in the hallway, where all your needs are always provided for effortlessly, where you are safe and loved and cared for. And you try to take your friends arm and go back out the door, but your friend keeps staring at the movie screen, irritated that you aren’t seeing what is right before your eyes. “Look!”, she insists, “don’t you see what’s happening?” “don’t you care?” But as you try to explain what is on the other side of the door, the volume of the movie gets louder, and your friend goes back to the screen, mouth open and eyes full of fear. You realize that you cannot help her, that you must go back into the hallway alone.

As you enter into the hallway, the stillness and peace welcome you. You take a moment to allow yourself to readjust from the previous scenes of chaos and calamity to the knowing off the presence of God and His dominion over all. You exhale, and are so grateful to be back Home.

As you continue down the hallway further, another door opens and it’s a family member, crying and begging you to come into the room and see. You immediately head for the door to see what’s the matter, and just as you cross the threshold into the room, there was a still small voice that asked you whether that was a good idea, but this is family, and they are crying, and you dismiss the voice and you go into the room, and there on the movie screen are very disturbing and very real looking sick people and scenes of illness and disease, with narrators talking about symptoms and the seasons that people will most likely suffer from these unavoidable illnesses, how long they will last and what medications you can buy to help alleviate your inescapable suffering. You see the fear and horror in the eyes of your family member and you begin telling him that what they are looking at is only a movie being played out on a movie screen, that it isn’t real, . . you point out that there is, in reality, nothing going on except that he or she is mesmerized by what is playing out in front of them. There is nothing actually taking place, that all he or she needs to do is come out of the room where everyone experiences perfect health. But your family member looks at you like you’re absurd, argues on the side of the scenes of numbers showing high fevers, paled skin color, runny noses and difficult breathing. “Look at the pain these people are in! How can you deny this?! You obviously don’t care, either that or you are delusional.” And with defiance in their eyes, they turn away from you, and you see that he or she has returned to join the others, sitting in their seats, staring at the movie screen, fixated on the images of suffering sense, . . . and again, you feel the familiar tug to go out of this room, and you head back out into the hallway.

You continue on a bit further now, again a door opens wide, and your mother steps out, and she looks frail and scared. And she asks you to come into the room with her. And you don’t want to go, but it’s your mother, and your heart wants to reach out to her, and you go in and the movie of unavoidable death is playing. And your mother is wringing her hands, and you go to comfort her. And you want her to come out in the hallway with you, where Life is eternal and she listens to you for a bit. You tell her that her life is complete out in the hallway, that she is spiritual and eternal, you ask her to remember Who made her and that she is not a limited, physical body but a free and perfect spiritual Idea of the Divine Mind that created her. And you think she’s convinced, and she stands up with you, and as you head for the door, she takes another look at the movie screen, and looks back at you, and with great sadness tells you that death is inevitable and that she loves you. You stand there, looking at the screen, and tears well up inside you, but your hand is on the door to the hallway, and you shudder over this moment, as you are being called to remember the Truth of being, all the while being consumed with the sadness and grief on the screen in front of your physical eyes. Just then you hear the still small voice tell you that you are of no real help to anyone as long as you stay in the room. The only place you can help another is from the standpoint of perfection, back in the hallway. If you are in the room, you are accepting the reality of the movie being projected, and you are no longer awake to Truth and Reality. “Aha”, you exclaim as you remember once again the experience of the hallway and with this renewed strength you grab the door handle, and enter back into it.

A wave of joy, of gratitude, wash over you, you shed tears in Thanks to an All Mighty God and his infinite goodness as the former pictures are wiped away and you recall the Truth that sets us free.

As you continue your journey, new doors begin to open up, some people you recognize, some you don’t. And you acknowledge these people, and sometimes you might strain your neck to see what movie is playing in the room, but you don’t enter into the room. You begin talking to those in the room while standing in the hallway. Some of them slam the door on your face, others listen for a moment and then shake their head and close the door. But you begin to realize that the longer you stand in the hallway, the more certain you are about the truth of being, the more influence you begin to have over those who are in the rooms. They listen to you a bit longer, they notice that there is something different about you, . . a light perhaps, a certainty, a knowing . . something that they recognize in you . . . . . that makes them want to listen to you more, . . . .

And then one day, a woman opens a door, and pleads with you to come in to see the “help me my child is dying” movie. And there is not a single part of you that is in the least bit interested in going into that room. But you feel immense compassion for this woman. And you look back up at the light at the head of the hallway, and with this surge of Love and Power, you look her straight on in the face, and you declare to her that what she is standing aghast at is nothing! It is a movie on a movie screen, and nothing more. And that she has the power and authority and ability to walk out of that room any time she wants to! That her life and the life of her child are always perfect, safe and secure with God. That no power exists to end, alter or destroy Life. Life is of God, He is Life itself, Eternal Life, with no beginning and no ending. You share with her the story of your brother Jesus Christ, how he came to prove the nothingness of death, the Allness of Life, that he overcame the grave, and gave us the victory over the illusion of death. And you saw something click in this woman’s eyes, she remembered, . . . . she smiled and without looking back she entered into the hallway with you. She was transformed as she walked out to join you, beauty and holiness radiated from within her, she laughed as she threw her head back and faced the light, she was overjoyed to recall her birthright, and sang out in thanks because she was overcome with gratitude. And you felt something, as you looked down, her child had joined the both of you, and the child took your hand and his mother’s hand, and looked into your eyes, and said “thank you”.

And that’s when more Truth began dropping into place for you. Yes! My job here is to stand firmly in this hallway, where I receive all that I need to do the Father’s Will, and to beckon to those who are in these rooms, hypnotized by the pictures. And this desire sprang up, and compassion was in the driver’s seat, and you humbly asked for guidance on how to spring your beloveds out of these rooms. And you heard the following:

These rooms are like refrigerator doors. The light comes on inside them only when you open the door, and the light shuts off when you close the door. Like the refrigerator door, the movie in these rooms only start when the door opens and when the doors shut, the movie turns off. This is because the movies, which are only false beliefs being projected outwards, need a watcher, a witness, in order to be seen. A false belief requires a believer to have any influence or power. If there is no believer, there is nothing to the false belief. If there is no witness, there is no movie playing in the room.
So unless there is an observer in the movie room, the movie isn’t playing. And if there isn’t a believer, there is no false belief to mesmerize us. And then came the punch line, you hear in the most sweetest, kindest, most loving voice, “ and by the way, I never created a false believer”.

And you take a step back, . . . and you gasp, and the tears fall, and you begin laughing . . . laughing because you realize that you had still been mesmerized yourself while in the hallway, seeing doors with false believers past them, taken in and feeling responsible or concerned for others, . . . . when all along, there is no such thing as a false believer, a false belief, a scary picture, an illness, sickness or death, or a sufferer of an illness, sadness or of scarcity. You see with infinite clarity the perfection of what God is and what God created. The new understanding takes on a vastness, an expansion that goes beyond your physical senses and moves through you and out into everything that you see. You are transformed by the freedom that this Truth brings, and you can’t help but be so grateful that everything that you felt was so real before was nothing but a false concept that you left behind because you know that you have the mind of Christ, and therefore you are not a believer of false images and nobody else is either. What is true for you is true for everyone! And you claim this out loud, and you thank God for it. And then you hear voices from behind you, and as you turn around, there is your best friend, your Mother, your family members, and a host of others that you recollect from the dream, and they are smiling at you, and you are laughing and celebrating with one another, even poking fun at each other, playing like kids and enjoying the Presence of God, the Allness of good, and the absolute nothingness of its supposed opposite. You see the Truth in each other’s eyes, you recognize your Oneness in one another, and you are overcome with Love. There is nothing else. Nothing else matters, nothing else is real, nothing else is acknowledged.

And in a moment, you all stop, and look back towards the light, and the most beautiful music you’ve ever heard starts to play, and the walls to the hallway fall away, and you see colors you’ve never seen before above you, and every part of your being comes vibrantly alive and together you hear, “well done, my good and faithful servant” and you are welcomed Home.

 

A call from Mr.Esser

This morning, very early, a wave of darkness was moving through the mind and was sensed in the body, and in that second it was registered that this had nothing to do with a “me.” It happened to no-one, was just a movement in consciousness. And so, it was allowed to move, and “I” was watching it. I am using “I” here describing this, just for communication purposes – in reality, nobody was watching. It was completely impersonal, and from that second on there was just a watching of thoughts. No attachment to them, no interest. Each thought was appearing, seen and allowed to drift by. The wave of darkness was moving  s l o w l y  upwards and as it moved to a new area – like from chest to throat – certain thoughts, seen to “belong” to that area or chakra, was noticed and released. When this happened, at some point I was seeing that the energy was going both up and down, and I noticed that the hip-area-thoughts were very different form the throat -area-thoughts – they belonged to different families, so to speak.

“This is interesting” was seen as a thought too.

It was liberating to notice that all of this happened to no-one, (and no-one was missed.)

At some point the thought of Fred being out to kill me was seen through: I saw that I had used Fred to attack me and punish me: the attack was indeed seen to originate in the mind, projected outwards. Seeing this, the image of Fred and fear vanished without a trace – like in a dream –

Then I fell asleep.

I dreamed that my late husband Kip and me had different rooms sin our apartment. He was making lots of simplifications in his room. – A phone rang in his room, and he held it out to me and told me that somebody called “ Mr.Esser” wanted to talk to me.

But because I was intrigued by Kip’s changes, I chose to ask him a question about it (and wait to answer my call.)

I studied Latin for three years in high school. It’s nice when it comes to use.Esser means “to be” or “being.”

Realizing that I chose against talking to Being was seen with a mixture of amusement and slight irritation. ( And guilt: “oh God, again.”)

Then that was realized as just another thought too.

*

It’s late evening now – and the usual fear-pattern is establishing itself again. This time I don’t take it as serious as before: it is recognized that this is a pattern in my mind, and it’s there I will meet it and be with it – without believing in what fear is telling me.

So that’s what I will do now: go to bed and be with it, knowing well that what I am looking at, was healed the very second the “problem” of separation seemed to happen – and allowing that healing to just be.

So it seems I will talk to Mr. Esser after all

Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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