It just wasn’t there anymore

For the very first time – when the usual morning-agony came – ( I am talking more than 30 years here – deep depression and suicidal thoughts) – there was no resistance and no judgment. Just quiet. Guess what happened to the agony

God happened

Self happened

No control happened

Now the ego is very quiet, it stands to my left and looks up and wonders “how did i manage that? I must remember it so I can replicate it.”

Truth is, it wasn’t THERE. And truth is, I feel soft towards it too – whatever it is


I write this blog because I am certain that what I explore and examine may benefit others. The root of pain – and how to relate to it with LOVE so it transforms – that is good stuff I think:) And today I want to share how old pain from generations back can be transferred to others. Us.

This night I again wanted to relate to the long-time source of pain in the chest-lung-area. When I cough now, it sounds like there is a huge echo-hall inside there.

So I thought – innocence! It needs innocence! And I “put” innocence in there – and it was not received. Super-strong resistance. And sitting with that, it became clear for me that of course GUILT cannot stand INNOCENCE.

Guilt calls for punishment – for perfection – CONTROL and clever pleasing behaviour. A Course in Miracles teaches that original guilt comes from the moment in the One Mind where the Son of God decided enter  the  experiment of separation – and arose in that indescribably horrible moment where we thought that God was now our adversary.

But God has not changed Her way on being unconditional eternal love, and I am still in my true nature as  He has created me

So -is it true that I am guilty?

I have certainly done a lot of hurtful thoughtless  behaviour in the separated state of mind. But am I guilty?

No – I still am as I always was and am – eternal, unharmed, all-loving. Aligning with this, I know I am innocent

So – The Course also teaches that I /my soul have chosen to experience everything I experience – included the pain in the chest.

How can I look at that differently now – with love and curiosity, instead of judgment?

I put a loving hand on my heart and close my eyes.

“Do you need something?”

It is Mother’s face I see there -( she died 40 years ago) right in the middle of the pain. And it is HER guilt I picked up, and it still nests there – begging me find all my grievances and let them go.

Now, with the Course practices, that relationship would have been quite different

And I saw that I needed to forgive myself for my creation of  all the stories of the world where love seems to be excluded. I chose to experience all of it, as soul, to find out how far away from God’s love I could come and STILL find Love.

Writing that now, I start to giggle – cause finding that out, from an extremely dark place, is what my book “When Fear Comes Home to Love” is all about.

Blue nudges me to open the book at random now.

Page 91: ( this is a description from a session with a man who just had got gout – and we found that it originated in my client’s grandfather, and his strong and fearful experience at his grandfather’s deathbed, when my client sensed that something “dark” was transferred from his grandfather to him. In the book, we explored how LOVE healed it all.)

“How did the pain come into being?”

“It started yesterday… it swelled, it is kind of an inflammation…. I have had this once before, and the doctor said it was gout… it is a bit embarrassing, gout is what older men may get In this moment I recognize and connect the energy to Eric’s grandfather. He died thirty years ago, but in Eric’s’ mind and soul his memory has still a strong effect, and carries with it a sense of horror that makes Eric split off a part of himself.

“Eric – when you speak about the pain in the foot, I get in touch with the energy from your grandfather. Could this pain have something to do with him?”

“I feel cold shivers down my spine!”

Shall we look closer into this?”

“Yes. I want that.”


Blue also points me to another place in my book – a reminder: ( this is written in 1992:)

The fact that my therapist and supervisor, aside from being a specialist in psychology also is a practicing Buddhist and a wise and loving man with a big heart, made it possible to explore the karmic pattern which became visible during therapy. Three years into therapy he insisted that I must have given a Bodhisattvic Vow in a former incarnation.

Small mind flatly refused the idea at first – why would I want to take on other people’s suffering? I have more than enough with my own, thank you! Then my ego blew up like a balloon: “Wow – I must be really good and special.” But since the favorite game of my ego is to degrade itself, it did not let me keep the nice feeling of being more special than others. So, I put it out of my mind: “Omar, you are really far out there.” But Omar didn’t budge. Time and time again he pointed out: “There. That is part of the vow.” And slowly it crept into my consciousness that it was VAST MIND Who had made that decision – not my ego. Something in me relaxed tremendously and recognized it.

Some days later, I sat meditating in the morning. The air was clear and bright outside the window. A vast space opened within me and around me. I asked: “Is it really true that I have consented to use myself in this way, to the benefit of all?”

In this moment, a great expansion happened within. In tremendous speed did I expand and become Light. I hear my Heart answer: “YES. At last you know.” This YES floats through me and relaxes all tension. In this moment, as I accept my choice, there are no tensions and no resistance.

The Heart continues: “As long as you see yourself as a container, a vessel for darkness, it lightens. It is sacred work!”

On time and attack and puppets

A friend in  Facebook-group posted yesterday a guidance he received from inside about time:

“Time is but your fantasy. It is of your making. It is your monster. Yet, it is not real. For, just like love has no opposite, neither does eternity. Place your belief, your treasure in that which is Truth and the miscreation of time will simply cease to seem to be. For, in Truth, reality does not rest in time. It but rests in the eternal. Time is a child’s toy. That is all. Forgive that toy for the dreams you gave it. Yet, love it. You made it. Find the joy in your creation. To do otherwise is but to blame it, thus giving it the appearance of control. Simply love your creation. Say then, ‘This is good. This is perfect.’ And, have gratitude for your makings. For without them, the function of forgiveness would be incomplete. Time, therefore, is not a monster or ‘evil’ creation. When chosen to view it through the lens of love, you will but see it is merely a device for awakening the Christ. Truly, look upon it with love. Breathe into it. Play with it. It is but a toy.”*

It had a tremendous impact on me – it felt like I was de-structured, and I asked Jesus for help to explore this further.


I see my daughter within a time-line – I see the time stretching out from her to me, and before and after – she is about ten-eleven, and I am my age now – 71 – she screams for help and is in panic – I pick up the total fear, I wake up. I sense the fear it in a lot of body parts and start to breathe LovesBreath, just being with the strong fear – sensations filling up the body. I ask for help to see what kind of fear this is, and fall asleep again.

Now I am in a wood. There is a black animal beside me,as high as my leg when it stands on its back legs. It is frantic, jumping at me, and i stretch a hand toward it to help it and it snaps at my hand, thinking it is being attacked and must protect itself by attacking back. It is locked into the belief that it is under deadly attack. I look at it and see that its whole black skin on its back is in cramps,and recognize in the dream that these are my cramps( I have a lot of those.)

My hand is now holding its skin on the neck, and its cramps are cramping the very neck-skin. I try to fight it, shake it away, bad choice – this can’t be shaken off.

I realize I must not fight, but love, and at this thought my hand is looser. I just stroke  the animal lovingly. I sense the tremendous cramps it is in, in the state of panic of being under a mortal attack.
As I stroke it a speak lovingly to it, it eases up a little – and then i see it.
It is a puppet

I animate it

it is my creation

I know that this animal is the same as what I saw dominating my daughter ,screaming out in fear

It is the very cry from the soul in its creation of attack and defense
It is locked in the cramp of these beliefs

I wake up, and immediately try to figure out what to do with this – that I MUST heal this – but HOW – and realize with a great smile that this struggle energy is upholding the puppet/false attack/defense-pattern.

I am trying to heal the cramp by cramping 🙂

How wonderful information: this is seemingly locked in TIME, and what is locked is a false identity, stuck in panic of believing it is under attack.
My puppet.

The comedy of it is also that I this life has worked in prof.Theater for 20 years, with stage and costume design – AND I have made LOTS of puppets.
so I am thoroughly trained in working with illusions -and also of seeing how excellent puppeteers always “become” the puppet they are talking for and animating –

*Posted with Eddie’s consent


Some years ago I took the training in Focusing. Recently I listened to a new method they called Untangling.

Here is a little of that process

Focusing… “Something in me says “ I want to wake up and be free so much!”

And something else says “no, you don’t have what it takes.” (Oh, I know that one very well.)

It also says, “when nothing happens at all, I feel safe”

WOW, that is actually a decision to resist change. Change is seen as threatening – ANY change means the possibility for disaster for this part.

No wonder it sees as its highest goal to sabotage it.

  1. part feels all the painful and inflamed, fearful and angry – hateful sensations in the pelvic area – and wants to heal this.
  2. part says “no healing/change is best = then we are “safe.”

Can I turn toward that terrified 2.part – (it may have valid reasons to be terrified of change, based on earlier experiences) and embrace it in Love – just as it is?

I can and I will

Can I give equal LOVE and attention to the part that says “I need this to heal and change” ?

I can and I will

I address both of them, one at a time, and tell them that I hear their point and accept it. And now – as both parts are allowed to stay as they are, and are given equal LOVE and acknowledgment – “yes, this is the way you feel and are, and I love you just as you are NOW” – then I see that things/change will happen for/from “our” Highest Good. Because when there is no more opposition and struggle, Christ Self will find a way to deal with this. The parts themselves cannot know what the highest outcome is – since “they” look out from powerful filters and walls, built on false perception and a need to protect the small unreal self and all its perceived sicknesses. However, when both parts are given unconditional LOVE, with no wish to manipulate them/change them in any preferred way – then Truth/Self takes over: the ego-investment and control has gone.

In this moment, polarization disappeared – struggle disappeared – and HUGE hiccups and deep coughs arise when realizing this – digestive system and breathing -patterns are involved in this change – this new decision.

How wonderful that “I” don’t need to heal anything – I just let go of the old decisions of control and disaster, and hand it over to Holy Spirit.























Off the Cliff

This moment in time -17th of August =3:28am -I realize that I do not any longer need to  – and want to – find the specific reasons for my sleeplessness,aches and pains. The ego has had a ball with this idea: the challenge of finding the specific thoughts that create the specific pain or fear in the nervous system it so intellectually satisfying – when I have found the cause, the symptoms most often disappear – which gives the ego a great boost.

I don’t need to  leaf through all these variations of fear any longer – through all incarnations – oh vey is mir – I have dutifully looked for them

I see that it is completely unnecessary

Big fear:” Being a detective gave you control. Now you have no control any longer.”

No: All appearances are the same – they have already been healed eons ago, you are ever only reviewing what has already happened.

An earlier chronic pain in the throat -gone for years – appears.

NO: I don’t allow this pattern any longer. I am not willing to listen to this fear and control voice any longer. I do not value it any longer.


How sweet: this enough comes from a vastly deeper level that the former ones

I see an inner image: it is a graphic print  I love of a person standing before a mirror – and it is called “the Dreamer”. I have another print by the same artist: an angel stands on the end of a cliff. It looks down, there is a white bird floating there – and the angel just stands there, frozen – in lack of trust of its wings

I just jumped

Who is jumping is who is receiving the jumper – softly gently welcoming her home


After this, a dream: I have lost the key to my last apartment before this house where I live now. This is where I lived with my husband before we separated – my life as Wife. I still pay rent for that apartment – I must get my belongings –

No – I have left it. There is no rent to pay

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder -bug

I got you!

I am only 69. Give me a break. I got it now: that lil bugger, sitting on the left side of the head, stretching down into the left side.

i got you!

You are the inner push: “i WILL-  I  M U S T   finish this NOW.”

Right now it means finishing simplifying my desktop, even though I felt a clear sign of “enough.” The enough said: enough doing. Now just allow yourself to be i n the sun and silence. The bug : ” you CAN’T let this stay looking messy.” And “You HAVE TO fisnish what you hgave started NOWNOWNOOOW”

Aha. Obsessive Compulsive symptom.

Typos? Great tool to use to catch the obsessiveness when it comes. Now I spot it  as an abrupt and harsh iron grip of muscles, a sickening head-ache – just empty as long as I don’t give it meaning and “importance.”

Wow. I just understood the Buddhist term emptiness.

EVERY”THING” is empty until I give it meaning

A want to share this with my fellow life-travelers. I just sit with it, witnessing the story of threats: you DIE if you don’t do this. You lose any trace of love if you don’t do this now. Ah, and this: “You lose respect from all of US when you leave this mess.”

Really? I mean,REALLY?

What a silly bug you are.

Oh the tensons dissipating. Oh you HAVE to correct that typo!


I just sit here enjoying the tensions melting, and the stiffening and headaches in the left side just being allowed and witnessed and blessed and forgiven on the way out.

I as mind made this to “protect” myself at some time. And until now it has gone unnoticed

A nd I notice that this is what invisibly has stopped me from resting in God as a practice: as soon as I have sat dwon to do that, this invisible bugger has said(not heareble before now:)

And if you don’t feel or hear Him, he just isn’t there – but I AM HERE FOR YOU BABE

You old control troll

You have to get rid of all of this NOW!!!

No. You are dismissed. It is my pleasure to catch you when you visit today: just stop whatever I am doing, not judging, forgive myself for my creation, welcoming you as energy, embracing you,freeing you from any role,blessing you with the blessing of Christ



that can wait:)

Being with

Woke up from a recurrent dream of having to control my daughter, or else – catastrophe. I explored it with Kit in our Skype session today – and very fast we recognized – again – that all that is required for healing – and peace – is just sitting with the sensations in the body. The ego goes frantic, tells me I have to figure out and understand –  but the impulse from inside is. just be with it.

As I share the dream with Kit, i sense the familiar sense of urge,frenzy, “don’t interrupt me i have to speak now or else” – and suddenly I am not willing to have it drive me any longer. I stop and breathe and allow myself to receive Kit’s loving small remarks – and it feels as if I have broken an ago-old pattern of trusting the collective demand: only if you understand something can healing happen. Only by “figuring out”  – that is, using the intellect …

Now i just rest in the awareness of what goes on in the body while this pressure-slavedriver is running the body mind: calmly observing pains and aches all over. Anti-achievment.  Most humans I know think we have to “dull” reality, or we get lost in chaos and pain

It is so very clear that “having to understand” really means “control.”And of course we can’t control life – but this impossible demand that we should be able to, creates nightmares like i have, where i project what I think needs to be controlled on my daughter.

There is this collective delusion: I have to do something – add something to a conversation, a relationship – there is a deadly fear beneath it: a fear of life as it is – a dulling of it – to put something on top of reality is to dull it, cover it up, making it manageable in our mind

The ego wants to achieve something – add something to what is

What happens now – in the body? is what I want to be with. And as my 20 minutes goes to an end, I know that an old pattern of control has been seen through and found useless.

“And you had that insight just by sitting with it” said Kit.

Trust – to life – without adding any thing. Projections gone – at least for now:)


Later in the session, a pattern of searching out guilt becomes evident. And the old judgment of doing that – such an un-spiritual thing to do, Leelah! – melts when it becomes evident that children are taught to do that to feel safe with angry parents/others: an “I am sorry, my fault” defuses the anger from the possible attacker.

Getting stuck in the pattern comes with a huge cost, though – and we do get stuck if we haven’t felt and allowed the huge fear beneath it: to be annihilated.


As always: nice synchronicity and timing: I got this from Gangaji right now:

In recognizing yourself as life itself, you are put rightside up. You freshly live your life, rather than thinking it and then trying to live according to those thoughts. You directly experience your life, and insights naturally follow that experience. The thinking mind becomes the servant—rather than the master—to the direct experience of life.

A fulfilled life is a life of discovery and exploration. It may be touched with excitement or fear or desire, but at the core it is filled with peace, and delight.

We meet in wonder of this mystery that we have named “Life.”

It’s a free life… it’s your life.


I have been wrong

I have believed deeply this life that the voice who says “You MUST” is my salvation.

It is not truth that this voice of force is my savior

it is not true that the fear that calls for this force and control is my savior

It is not right and good to say yes to these voices, allowing them to be my teachers and use them as authorities to be trusted.

These voices have no value

They are empty

Whenever I have opposed these voices – or the “persons” that have embodied them – I have proven that they are real and have power

Only my belief in them gave them that power and made me cower and react with fear

I allowed them to control me,make me a victim –

that proved that Jesus was wrong and the separation was real

how relieving to see how wrong I have been



The inner sense of compulsion

There is such a beautiful flow in the energysystem today. It started with a single thought wanting me to do something  – telling me I HAD TO. In this second, something inside said “njaeh. I don’t bother.”

Some seconds later I noticed a flow of relaxation that was so powerful that I had to pay attention. I saw the connection with deciding not going into a “HAVE TO” pattern. The whole muscle-system was suffused with grace, I felt waves of nausea moving through and leaving.

I then noticed all the subconscious impulses I have to “correct”placement of  things in order to feel safe:

that pen must not lie in that position – that picture is hanging askew – ordnung muss sein – balance,please!

It was sheer delight to notice each of these impulses to correct things AT ONCE – and just lean back and allow the energy of that compulsion. Could I allow it be just as it is just for now? YES! It brought deep peace within the muscular system. Heart racing for some seconds  – oh, control gone, what is happening – and then instant release.

What a great way for ego to stay in command, this personality disorder.

This is quoted from Wikipedia:

Obsessive–compulsive personality disorder (OCPD) is a personality disorder characterized by a pervasive pattern of preoccupation with orderliness, perfectionism, mental and interpersonal control at the expense of flexibility, openness, and efficiency. In contrast to people with obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), behaviors are rational and desirable to people with OCPD.

My ego is now very offended and hurt and tells me that I am not THAT bad or sick. That is true – this Leelah is able to live in considerable chaos around her,especially when she is  arting – but she has also this life chosen to work with exploring archetypes, and illnesses have their own imprint or theme. I am very grateful for the inner artist who in fact enjoys exploring these inner concerts of energy.

And as I rose from the sofa after being renewed, I turned on the radio. It played this – and my body flew into ecstatic dance

Astor Piazolla – Las Cuatro Estaciones Portenas / Primavera

The survival kit

Ilona asked me to  look at what is looking:
December 6th 2012
Fear happened. A belief: “This is the only chance you get.” (being guided by you/LU.) Noticing pressure to “make it through the gate.” Noticing the pattern of mind/ego-thoughts doing its work, and recognizing with relief that there is no reason to take it personally. There were also attacking thoughts: ” see, you are just pretending. It’s just mental.”It is seen how this is natural, these thoughts showing up to “protect” the me – I am 68 years old. Well at least this body is:-)
I was Skyping with Pregunta from LU when this process described above happened. I noticed how easy it is to notice these patterns when there is another human present, who witnesses. I see how, when being alone, fear easily overwhelms me – and then the avalanche of old habitual thoughts believed to protect is allowed to come. Now, because Pregunta is there, whom I know well, its all out in the open, being allowed to be.
Now there are more resistance thoughts: “This shift should be much more like lots of the others are experiencing. Old victim-identity is obviously still here. It should NOT be here.”
But it IS only a thought – happening to no-one. Thought: “Was that clever said? Will Ilona accept it?” And the whole defense-pattern is starting the be recognized as a survival-kit for a story-figure.

The pattern lightened up the moment the thought came: to notice the silent space all these thoughts happened in – that took the reality-feeling away from the fear-thoughts. When the space opened, it was clear that the thoughts were not true, just programmed to protect the story of the sufferer. All these thoughts were intensely important to believe and follow for that me. What was real now, was seeing that the seriousness in the story belongs to the story, but is there is no real separate me that it can happen to.

And it was never a separate living self/me it WAS happening to either.

Writing this, i know it is truth – and there are a lot of sensations in the bodymind right now that are experienced.

At one point in our Skyping, a strong wish for separation and control was felt – it was believed that the peaceful space would be invaded and attacked by someone else.

Going to get something to eat. Will continue in a while.

 December 6th, 2012, 9:46 pm

The more we worked, the more the labels were noticed. I notice I notice them only when there is a sense of safety – and I notice that I think I am a me again, looking for safety – AND IT IS OK
It felt good to hug fear when it came. It really felt like “me” hugging it -then I saw that the label “hugger” came from within the story.It came as sickness and cold, and was seen to melt in acceptance. There is no me outside that story.

So I realize that as it is now, the suffering identity will probably “come back” many times, and there will be times when I do not recognize it, but eventually there will be realization. There is anger that this will take “more time.” From the view this is written, there is no time.
There is no me to be angry – but that realization shifts from being conceptual to being truly experienced.
And this is where it is right now
Looking at that which is looking 🙂 – I am truly looking forward to that and letting you know –

good night Ilona

 December 7th, 2012, 11:38 am

This insight is a great gift – repeating it here:

The whole defense/control-pattern is starting to be recognized as a survival-kit for a story-figure. It goes on automatic – until it is seen as an old invention not needed NOW.

I am so very very happy about what goes on in the night healingwise – so much stuff comes up, and it is all seen as belonging to the survival-kit for “Leelah.” So it is easy to thank it then:-) and let go of it. – Oh! seeing that since I see that I don’t need a survival-kit anylonger, there simply must have been seeing through the suffering me♥♥♥

Last night a big depression/agony-thing came up. First, identification was noticed – very fast it was – asking it if it wanted to leave – in 3 seconds it dissolved, and for some time there came sickness, yawning, pains everywhere – but nothing taken serious, just energy. No judgments. Just gratefulness. Much “trying to control” came up too, and a deep gratefulness that there was nothing to control. So I hugged that mind. How tired it is from protecting the I!

Today I looked at that which is looking. Oh my you cant believe how much control there is in the physical looking – “I” am trying to control absolute everything – and then there was seen that it was possible to allow it to be for a moment – and then a moment more – and the tensions from those eye-muscles are enormous – always have been – they have learned to “not see” a zillion of things – and now there is a gradual awakening from this me-thing, and the eye-muscles are part of that. The tension from those muscles straining not to see is felt in the neck and even the torso. Right now, there is a loosening, when that old idea of protection is seen as belonging to the  separate self.

In between there are glimpses from not-strained looking – a h,  t h e r e ‘s   a   b i r d   f l y i n g – really seeing very small details – all connected to a growing feeling of safety, it feels connected to every organ and cell inside.

So looking at that which is looking and seeing is right now seeing a stressed looking and seeing, welcoming that, and a willingness to open to what is looking when the old survivalmode is not stressing it any longer

I am so happy about this

I am so happy that you give me these questions to look

I am so happy about Chris and you, Ilona

Now there is an excitement about looking, not dread and fear
warmest hugs

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Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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