The inner sense of compulsion

There is such a beautiful flow in the energysystem today. It started with a single thought wanting me to do something  – telling me I HAD TO. In this second, something inside said “njaeh. I don’t bother.”

Some seconds later I noticed a flow of relaxation that was so powerful that I had to pay attention. I saw the connection with deciding not going into a “HAVE TO” pattern. The whole muscle-system was suffused with grace, I felt waves of nausea moving through and leaving.

I then noticed all the subconscious impulses I have to “correct”placement of  things in order to feel safe:

that pen must not lie in that position – that picture is hanging askew – ordnung muss sein – balance,please!

It was sheer delight to notice each of these impulses to correct things AT ONCE – and just lean back and allow the energy of that compulsion. Could I allow it be just as it is just for now? YES! It brought deep peace within the muscular system. Heart racing for some seconds  – oh, control gone, what is happening – and then instant release.

What a great way for ego to stay in command, this personality disorder.

This is quoted from Wikipedia:

Obsessive–compulsive personality disorder (OCPD) is a personality disorder characterized by a pervasive pattern of preoccupation with orderliness, perfectionism, mental and interpersonal control at the expense of flexibility, openness, and efficiency. In contrast to people with obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), behaviors are rational and desirable to people with OCPD.

My ego is now very offended and hurt and tells me that I am not THAT bad or sick. That is true – this Leelah is able to live in considerable chaos around her,especially when she is  arting – but she has also this life chosen to work with exploring archetypes, and illnesses have their own imprint or theme. I am very grateful for the inner artist who in fact enjoys exploring these inner concerts of energy.

And as I rose from the sofa after being renewed, I turned on the radio. It played this – and my body flew into ecstatic dance

Astor Piazolla – Las Cuatro Estaciones Portenas / Primavera

The survival kit

Ilona asked me to  look at what is looking:
December 6th 2012
Fear happened. A belief: “This is the only chance you get.” (being guided by you/LU.) Noticing pressure to “make it through the gate.” Noticing the pattern of mind/ego-thoughts doing its work, and recognizing with relief that there is no reason to take it personally. There were also attacking thoughts: ” see, you are just pretending. It’s just mental.”It is seen how this is natural, these thoughts showing up to “protect” the me – I am 68 years old. Well at least this body is:-)
I was Skyping with Pregunta from LU when this process described above happened. I noticed how easy it is to notice these patterns when there is another human present, who witnesses. I see how, when being alone, fear easily overwhelms me – and then the avalanche of old habitual thoughts believed to protect is allowed to come. Now, because Pregunta is there, whom I know well, its all out in the open, being allowed to be.
Now there are more resistance thoughts: “This shift should be much more like lots of the others are experiencing. Old victim-identity is obviously still here. It should NOT be here.”
But it IS only a thought – happening to no-one. Thought: “Was that clever said? Will Ilona accept it?” And the whole defense-pattern is starting the be recognized as a survival-kit for a story-figure.

The pattern lightened up the moment the thought came: to notice the silent space all these thoughts happened in – that took the reality-feeling away from the fear-thoughts. When the space opened, it was clear that the thoughts were not true, just programmed to protect the story of the sufferer. All these thoughts were intensely important to believe and follow for that me. What was real now, was seeing that the seriousness in the story belongs to the story, but is there is no real separate me that it can happen to.

And it was never a separate living self/me it WAS happening to either.

Writing this, i know it is truth – and there are a lot of sensations in the bodymind right now that are experienced.

At one point in our Skyping, a strong wish for separation and control was felt – it was believed that the peaceful space would be invaded and attacked by someone else.

Going to get something to eat. Will continue in a while.

 December 6th, 2012, 9:46 pm

The more we worked, the more the labels were noticed. I notice I notice them only when there is a sense of safety – and I notice that I think I am a me again, looking for safety – AND IT IS OK
It felt good to hug fear when it came. It really felt like “me” hugging it -then I saw that the label “hugger” came from within the story.It came as sickness and cold, and was seen to melt in acceptance. There is no me outside that story.

So I realize that as it is now, the suffering identity will probably “come back” many times, and there will be times when I do not recognize it, but eventually there will be realization. There is anger that this will take “more time.” From the view this is written, there is no time.
There is no me to be angry – but that realization shifts from being conceptual to being truly experienced.
And this is where it is right now
Looking at that which is looking 🙂 – I am truly looking forward to that and letting you know –

good night Ilona

 December 7th, 2012, 11:38 am

This insight is a great gift – repeating it here:

The whole defense/control-pattern is starting to be recognized as a survival-kit for a story-figure. It goes on automatic – until it is seen as an old invention not needed NOW.

I am so very very happy about what goes on in the night healingwise – so much stuff comes up, and it is all seen as belonging to the survival-kit for “Leelah.” So it is easy to thank it then:-) and let go of it. – Oh! seeing that since I see that I don’t need a survival-kit anylonger, there simply must have been seeing through the suffering me♥♥♥

Last night a big depression/agony-thing came up. First, identification was noticed – very fast it was – asking it if it wanted to leave – in 3 seconds it dissolved, and for some time there came sickness, yawning, pains everywhere – but nothing taken serious, just energy. No judgments. Just gratefulness. Much “trying to control” came up too, and a deep gratefulness that there was nothing to control. So I hugged that mind. How tired it is from protecting the I!

Today I looked at that which is looking. Oh my you cant believe how much control there is in the physical looking – “I” am trying to control absolute everything – and then there was seen that it was possible to allow it to be for a moment – and then a moment more – and the tensions from those eye-muscles are enormous – always have been – they have learned to “not see” a zillion of things – and now there is a gradual awakening from this me-thing, and the eye-muscles are part of that. The tension from those muscles straining not to see is felt in the neck and even the torso. Right now, there is a loosening, when that old idea of protection is seen as belonging to the  separate self.

In between there are glimpses from not-strained looking – a h,  t h e r e ‘s   a   b i r d   f l y i n g – really seeing very small details – all connected to a growing feeling of safety, it feels connected to every organ and cell inside.

So looking at that which is looking and seeing is right now seeing a stressed looking and seeing, welcoming that, and a willingness to open to what is looking when the old survivalmode is not stressing it any longer

I am so happy about this

I am so happy that you give me these questions to look

I am so happy about Chris and you, Ilona

Now there is an excitement about looking, not dread and fear
warmest hugs

Two approaches leading to the same peace

Kit and I am Skyping. She is telling me about Bruce Lipton’s awakening. As a biologist, he investigated the cellular make-up: for years and years he experimented with cells. He found that  removing the cell-nucleus from the cell, and keeping the membrane, the cell still survived for about a month.

Without the membrane – the “bridge” between the outer and the inner – the separated cell nucleus died instantly.

The specialness – the genes for red hair,musicality,colorblindness and black skin lies in the DNA. Life itself lies in the membrane – the connective tissue.

Lipton shares how he worked and worked, and through the years his insights “crystallized” until he had his awakening. Kit and I agree that we both are crystallizing too – everything we have been through is leading us to amazing synchronicities, people and information come to us in wondrous ways.

I share a process from this early morning: there were strong tensions behind my eyes as usual, leading to neck pain. Through the last 30 years I have found effective ways of addressing pain and discomfort with gentleness and communication – so also this morning, where I expressed a wish to hear the pain out – what it was all about, and why it felt the need to keep this habit of straining the muscles so much.

It told me the story of needing to have full control ALL THE TIME: noticing everything around me to find signs that baddies were lurching – scanning the mind to be on the outlook for inner baddies/demons/enemies – and having to, compulsively,do this constantly. One second’s rest could mean instant death and hell.

Talk about obsessive-compulsive disorder:-)

Having found the roots of the tension-making and looking at it with love, the tensions were releasing, tears flowing – showing me that even the tear ducts were afflicted with automatic tensions.

I feel asleep, and had a dream: hundreds of people were together at a farm in the country for playing – just playing. In almost every other dreams where I am with other people, somebody is always sabotaging, being angry,quarreling about “rules.” I am always the one who tries to uphold peace and arrange things in a good way – to no avail and to my great frustration, waking up irritated and exhausted.

This time, everybody in the dream were co-operating. All the games flowed effortlessly; we were all following the organic flow of the processes, nobody had to be special and make fuss.We were all enjoying ourselves, trusting each other.

Waking up, I realized how the dream mirrored a huge change in the mind – from controlling and separation to co-operation and play.

The Course’s approach to pain is radically different: since pain is not created by God, it is imagined and unreal.

I see that after I had worked with pain in the way I have used for so many years, I now felt free to take the Course’s approach – the forgive the belief in value of control, and deny the pain as real. Both approaches lead to freedom.

Something deep inside relaxed as I saw how much I have listened to ego’s voice that ONLY the Course’s approach is the acceptable one – meaning that every time I did a non-Course practice I would feel bad and guilty, and the ego would be satisfied. But of course, what is valuable is  following inner Guidance exposing blocks, and seeing the purpose of holding on to suffering and specialness.



Forgiveness is the key to happiness

W-pI.121.6. Forgiveness is acquired. 2 It is not inherent in the mind, which cannot sin. 3 As sin is an idea you taught yourself, forgiveness must be learned by you as well, but from a Teacher other than yourself, Who represents the other Self in you. 4 Through Him you learn how to forgive the self you think you made, and let it disappear. 5 Thus you return your mind as one to Him Who is your Self, and Who can never sin.

The self I think I made...that is me. It is my projections: the world and  “other people.”

This sentence is so healing for me – to recognize that I have NOT made the world and other people – but I certainly think I have. Or the ego thinks it, and I identify with it to keep my specialness.

In todays exercise, we are told to visualize an enemy or person we don’t like in front of us, look for a spot of light in him/her and allow it to spread. I chose a doctor I recently visited, who advised me to take an injection for a MR. When I referred her to an article in our main newspaper about the latest research which showed lethal consequences of ingesting this drug, she smirked and told me not to believe in what newspapers are writing.

In doing the exercise, it becomes evident that I am looking at a “self” I believe I have made, and who I have given enormous power by believing it is dangerous and out to get my soul. I remember that this self is not real, and only my belief makes it seem so. I look at this person, and affirm that my will is aligned with H.S. I don’t see light from her – but behind my closed eyes, a big light is growing. I become aware that I am looking at this “dominator-self” that I THINK I have made.

Suddenly its head is severed from the body, and it falls backwards, still connected to the body. I see a fountain of dark images and stories pouring out of the body in front of me, like a geyser. I am well aware that those are images and stories that I have attached a “me” to.

I sit for quite a while and look at the images and forgive what I think I have made. I only think it – no harm has happened in reality.

When I look at the doctor – form, I still cannot see a light around her, but I hear her say “thank you” and take my hands. I get the idea that I will send her the article and underline what I believe in – and tell her that with two so different thought systems, I don’t think this doctor-patient-relationship will serve me. I sense that there is no judgment in this – just an acknowledgment of what I have seen.

And I feel such gratitude for our meeting – what a good projection-carrier she has been.

I sat for a long while and just witnessed the drama evaporating – forgiving the images of this self I thought I have made.

A little while later I was sitting with my mail, doing three things at the same time – and recognizing that I was believing in a self that was used to being overwhelmed, and therefore tried to” help” herself by control and harsh mental abuse. As soon as I recognized this self who is not me, and gave my willingness to be wrong about this being important, the chaos and overwhelm-feelings evaporated.

accepting Love at last

In a Sedona-session today, I felt one more aspect of the victim-identity: how safe she feels in giving control away – and in being  a “sufferer”. A tremendous fear arose when I realized that “I can choose” – it was tremendous. Sinking into that, another part came forth, saying: “I have been giving myself over to light before, and was tricked.”

I remembered a moment between my father and I – so wonderfully symbolic of the moment of believing in the TMI – when we shared a moment of blissful light and one-ness – and wham, his dark side took over and in  a split-second he “switched” and became unrecognizable scary and alien.

The shock was instantaneous and make a deep imprint: never trust the Light again: it is completely unpredictable.”

In the shocked state I was, I dissociated – as the Son of God also did – and was overtaken.

The memory this split-off Ninotchka carries was that being a terrorized victim was preferable to allowing Love in  – the remembered shock and guilt that came when the Light seemed to change into darkness was not to be tolerated.

The change in the session came when Claire asked me if I possibly could let go of the determination to say no to Love – and the answer burst forth like new birth – of course I let go of that! And that happened at the level of mind.

I saw that it never happened in reality – and that my spirit was safe in Love’s embrace. At that moment, truly letting go of resistance to Love, warmth trickled into my stiff and cold body.

So grateful now – and even more so, since I was stiff with intense fear before this session with Claire – I was stuck in a vortex of expecting to be controlled, and wanting to control back – expecting the worst nightmare scenario. I forgave the fear and the thoughts and asked to see Claire as God sees her, and I meant it – and even though I did not believe at all that this intention had made any difference at all, since it surely did not feel like that, I managed to state clearly what I wanted from Clare with respect to agreeing on a clear structure in the session. Somehow, a little slice of trust must have been there – and H.S used it to the full.

Now I feel I have a WILL again – sharing It with my own Love.

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Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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