The choice to deny oneself to survive

Each day/night I am doing the  Core Transformation Process

It is SO effective! I worked through an archetype this morning – the false helper *- I saw how excruciatingly important it was for her (me/you/us all ) to repress the longing to be seen and love and counted and then giving up all the trying and instead shifting the energy from me to others: instead of helping myself – being there for myself – I will put all the energy on one card; becoming the perfect helper. From now on I am looking for painm and problems in others, so I can comfort them as a substitute for needing comfort myself.

When I did it this morning I did it with that 4-year old Leelah-helper – no words of consolation or loving attention when she returned home from group rape.  – Only my soul could think out such a splendid way of arriving at where I am NOW – now I  TRULY can appreciate that child!  and now true forgiveness pours out like a waterfall – oh the joy! and the laughter!

You know – that little one arrived at CORE in just two steps – shivers down my back now – 1st: I want to be seen as important I want to count-  and the 2nd: I NEED TO FEEL JOYOUS! To be able to express it and have it WELCOMED!

And THERE WE WERE – in the arms of LOVE

 

* “Bird is the title I have given this archetype in the book you find in the right menu: When Fear Comes Home to Love. Click on it and you will be able to read more in the reviews.

Hobby Horse ( Stick Horse)

Mine fell to the floor in the night!

Literally!

I made this stick horse to my daughter 35 years ago. In Norway , we have the expression “to ride a stick horse” when you english-spoken people say “have a bee in the bonnet.” Once, when a dear friend rode her stick horse for the umptieth time, I found the actual stick horse and showed her and said please demount from that horse you are riding. Very rude I was, but it worked.

Afterwards, Blue told me I’d be needing this horse again to point to it next time Betty rode it – but she never did.

I needed it for me LOL

This night I did another LONG Core transformation process with a part in me that has been 1000% CERTAIN that the way she sees things IS THE TRUTH.

It was extremely unpleasant for a long time – she felt like admitting that if she “could” be wrong, it would mean all things of horrible things about her. One thing was that she would be insane – since she would swear on her life that she was right.

With lots of patience and will to proceed forward, something shifted and she ended up in God’s arms, smiling and happy, seeing that all that mattered in life was to remember that perception rests on beliefs that we have told about ourselves and the world – and that other people has other perceptions.

Entering the living room, I saw that the stick horse  – that I had jammed between a shelf and the wall –  had fallen down, now leaning toward a recliner 🙂

For new readers: this symbolic happening belongs to a long series of synchronicities in my life, that Blue  – my inner Guide – employs to demonstrate the truth in humorous  ways. I have posted many of them in earlier posts – if you want to read more, search  “Blue is playing.”

My book, ( see right menu) When Fear Comes Home to Love” is full of them

 

 

 

 

Sunflower in September

New experiences re the False Helper Syndrome– which is to me an unkind label: I prefer the Utterly Confused Helper. I am still using The Core Transformation process.

I have found that the defense parts are really willing to draw back and allow space when I acknowledge how life-saving they were when we put them in charge. Today I had a 30-40 of them sitting in a half circle 30 meters away. They had popcorn too.

I have found that instead of wants and desires, often needs are offered. I am working at finding the distinction between them.

The first need was:
I want you to fully listen what I feel and need – without saying ONE thing in  defense and without touching me.

next:

I want you to see when I am happy and let me be happy without commenting.

Next: I want to see that you feel/are safe, so I don’t need to take care of you. I want to KNOW that you have all the resources you need to feel safe and adult. Only THEN can I know what I feel

These steps were adamant for her to start going deeper:: first feeling anger/ rage – and then to be seen in her terror and fear, and never to be held: there is a deep understanding in the confused helper that as soon as s/he is HELD, s/he will feel the needs of the other – and her mandatory rule is “The other ALWAYS comes first when it comes to needs.”

I recently had an experience with a beloved friend – she is a psychiatrist – and when I expressed an agony she immediately embraced me – HARD – I could hardly breathe. All my self-awareness went swoop into her.

So there is a super strong automatic in the energy shift here, between a confused helper and the other.

The next next deepest desire or need was: “ I want you to acknowledge that you did not WANT to see what happened to me – without ANY explanations and any “OHHH I am so sorry” at all. As long as there is guilt, I will have nothing of it.”

The next deepest:

That you SEE Me – the Self – see the goodness, the love, the patience, the wisdom, the tenderness in this Self. That you see that all this happened, it is over, we don’t need to play these roles anymore. DONE

The deepest: That I KNOW with all of me that my worth is intrinsic, and never depends on how I help and serve others.

THERE was  and is the Peace of God.

The sunflower – I discovered it yesterday. It blooms right in front of my face when I go out – and it stands under a bush, so it has to bend forward  and then bend up  to catch the sun. What is so beautiful to know that somehow a sunflower seed decided to root there – and how did it get there?

Wolf Hunger

I went through a process that Sarita Premley taught us yesterday (Way of Knowing-students.)

The repeated question to the part goes something like this: “
a)”What do you *get* from acting like that?” and then ” b)when you have that,what may be even more important/wonderful to have – the deeper level of that-?)

Here are the stages of consciousness I found in the part that carried (and carried out) the pattern and energy of the Wolf-hunger.

1.answer: the need to be free from others’ influence. A kind of safety.

2. Freedom from “you shall you shall you shall you must you must you must you ought to! OR ELSE!!”

A lot happened in the body after this. Lots in sinus, big hiccups.

3)Embodied sense of protection.

4)Safety-feeling

5)Absence of all the demonic images this part sees ( let’s call them Fufus – that removes a lot of energy from them. If you are interested in processes that heal your relationship to fields of fufu-consciousness,my book – see below – describes a trustworthy path, well walked by me and my patients and students.) Even though I have healed this, there are still parts of my subconscious mind that have not –

***Insight: the tension behind my eyes might be just this – the urge NOT to see these images, and the conclusion these parts have made about themselves: “I must be awful, sinful, guilty etc.*** This insight instantly frees up a lot of tensions.

6) Feeling free from others controlling me. Autonomy. Me being the one who decides.

7) Inner peace

8) Deep KNOWING that the decision is mine.

9)KNOWING that I am free – that my mind is free!

10)KNOWING who I am – my true nature

11) Sovereignty.
At this stage, my mind overflowed with LOVE and a recognition that this is my Source or Core.

When the part has reached down to what we call a Core-state, breathe and stay there, receive it fully. Reminding the part that this Love that is here is there always, and can be reached/accessed without all these intermediate states. Available always – AS our true Self.

12) To the part: Now – when you know you already have this from the beginning – how does it make all this different?

***I know I cannot be manipulated for real.*** This LOVE is unharmed. I can choose to focus on this. And everybody else has the same freedom. I can choose to see through to this part in them – our essence.

At the end of the journey, the parts can now travel through the time line WITH the resource/Love and share it with all my other parts – and also travel back to the point before conception and bring this resource all the way forth, into the future.I did this – a great way of joy flowed through me.

I do not know if the wolf hunger has gone. But if there is some left, I will just repeat the process – the results were beautiful.

The book with these processes is called: Core Transformation by Connirae Andreas.

My book with mine and clients’ exploration of how to heal the dark fear parts of our mind: “When Fear Comes Home to Love” by Leelah Saachi. You find it in the right menu if you want to read more about it.

Core Transformation

I am doing a process from a book called  Core Transformation by Connierae Andreas.

The part of me that constantly distracts me from relaxing and sitting down to just be – or meditate – turned out to distract me in order to be able to feel relaxed herself Only when I felt constantly occupied and mentally frizzled could she relax – since me “relaxing” meant allowing up images and memories that could not be survived for a little girl.

The journey back to Source felt wonderful. After each answer from her, I thanked her and breathed and felt it inside.

What do you get from distracting me?

I get close to myself. I get more into my body, I can even feel what I want and need. That feels incredibly good. I trust myself more, I am more a friend to myself. It feels wonderful!

What would that give you ( that was even deeper?)

It brings me in touch with a deep longing. To feel this longing feels essential.

To feel that longing deeply – what gift would that bring you, that was even deeper?

I would know that I was loved by God –  not alone.

And would there be something even deeper than that, that you would get?

That God is inside me – always – I am never alone. I cannot lose Him/Her.

And what would you have if you had this too? What would it give you?

And here came the great release:

I would extend that light to others. Show it – and see that it is received and treasured.

Thank you! And having that –what would be even more profound?

Having that would give me perfect eternal joy.

Having this joy – and living from it – how would that make your life different?

I am perfectly guided by Love. Everything I need is provided. Situations too. I would simply be played by Source, trusting from moment to moment, enjoying it tremendously. Knowing where to go, whom to say what to. No planning for myself – no more worries. Being danced by Joy, living in a wave of perfect trust outside time. Life lifing me 🙂

Thank you! How does this state of Joy transform your need to keep me distracted?

The thought of distracting you is impossible. I would only share this unchanging joy with you – anything else is impossible.
*
Then I did the timeline-experience. It felt great to move that pure joy-energy through all the stages of “my” childhood and later traumas and shocks.

AND: patience is called for here. I sat down this morning and felt a need to distract myself. Felt disappointment at first – then I decided to log on to Word and share this. I realize that I don’t need to resist the need to distract when I arises – the ability to just look at it now and not judge it is utterly beautiful.

Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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