Tangled timber and emotions

Yesterday I described how I made a new choice  – to let go of the belief that I can be harmed by electronic energies. I allowed the installation of a new smart-card-reader–el.power meter, which has been believed to be  harmful.

Before the new meter came, I had a shield taped to the old one – the kind that is imbued with energy to deflect harmful radiation of any kind – PCs, cell phones etc.

After the installation guy had left, that shield lay on the floor.

It was NOT attached to the box he worked on, but the door to the cupboard where it was placed.

The old identity felt fear, and I wondered, hm, is this really necessary – when there are no harmful rays here – hm am i just trying to maintain the old pattern?

So I decided to try it out: i removed the old tape ( that had held it glued to the door for 20 years) and glued on a fresh one.)

Today it lay on the floor.

I felt such a sweet laughing inside

And I decided that its time to CLAIM my freedom and awakening: I AM awake -and to lose the connection can only happen when I give something inside priority instead.

Yesterday I had a wonderful time in town with my daughter – finding a new food shop with fresh ecological food and a great movie.

The second I sat down,  strong cramps in the solar plexus started and I heard: “Pay attention to the imagery and symbols in the movie.” I remember last time i had these cramps – they lasted three days, and what healed them was an old shaman friend who removed a psychic “sword” in that section.

This time I knew this happened  for me, not against me, so i breathed through the pain while watching the movie.

In the movie, there was log driving / timber floating – and there were images where huge timber tangles has to be worked loose.

I saw the symbol of this huge timber tangle as an image of how our false beliefs are held in the water/our hara-center and affects the free flow of emotions/water.

Then the main person – a young boy – leaps in the water and swims under it and somehow finds the way to untangle it. The moment when it fell apart and harmoniously flowed down the river was felt throughout my whole being and body.

I saw how one false belief – “I am not worthy enough” created hundreds of others that clings to it as a cluster:

“There is something wrong with me” – I am alone – I must be valued by others etc.”

Now I am even more determined to undo the tangle I have called me and mine



Watching a contest yesterday, close to the Finale now, I found myself thinking about the one I wanted to win. I noticed there was a lot of stress about it – what if this person did not win? That would feel bad…and then an angel flew through my room and suddenly I knew that I choose to choose the one who wins 🙂

The feeling I get is indescribable: no longer fighting reality, wanting something else than what happens every moment.

Most of the night was filled with this ease.

In the morning, strong cramps came in my right leg. In the seconds before I succeeded in placing it on the floor, supporting it, I said “ “Could I just witness this WITH you, Blue?” and after that, the pain was so shockingly violent that I immediately told myself, “no” – I could not stand this a nanosecond –

But something inside me knew that I had already chosen to share it with the Divine – and in that second, it completely vanished, as if it never had been there at all.

In the morning, absolutely everything was wrong with my cell-phone – which is a kind of symbol of my mind. It gave me message after message about everything that did not work – and then the PC did the same: it insisted that there was no Internet connection at the same time where I actually was connected.

I tried to connect to Sony-foras and Sony-telephone support, and they all told me that what I reported was very strange indeed. Whatever they suggested only led to more chaos.

So I sat down and wrote this instead. I believe that ego has a ball with me being sucked into this virtual chaos-dramas – they surely seem real and ANNOYING

I realize how I have somehow given my cellphone the job of keeping me connected – instead of realizing that any break in connections are thoughts in the mind, being reflected back to me. There is really only ONE vital connection for me to make, at all time – and to value the most: the connection to my Self, the Christ

And there’s the sun, shining in my face

Inner and outer landscapes

This night the cramps were unbelievable – and what helped was strongly denying the truth of the thought “there CAN be darkness that  can hurt me”. The thought was recognized as false, and the cramps abated gradually.
This morning they were back, and I sat down with them. An insight came: the origin of this came from the womb. I “saw” the fetus in the womb where there were strong tensions and subconscious intense fear from the mother – I “saw” the baby/”me” screaming  a lot  -and my father’s intense anger at these signs of needs and pain. I forgave myself for dreaming this, i forgave the father and the mother and whatever baggage they carried with them that manifested as tremendous defense against expressions of pain and need – and the impressions they had got which they now transferred and projected on the new baby  – maybe the first “law” I accepted as true:

“There is something WRONG WITH being in pain. One should be painfree and needfree = perfect.”

I forgave the beliefs and asked H.S to come into my mind and heal what I have made. I also sat with that”repressed” baby, blessed it and experienced it crying in relief. Tensions abated.

I realize that there is so much inside my mind that simply is terrified to relax – because that would mean that it would be open to to these terrible tensions that have been repressed. So I decide that when these old tensions/cramps come up in this NOW, I will deny that their psychological origin/cause is real – but I WILL acknowledge that as long as it seems to be present, my forgiveness will both acknowledge that I have made this, and I am willing to be wrong about it – and also accept as much as possible the cramps themselves – realizing that this is coming up to be released, it is on its way “out” so to say.

And “The origin comes from the womb” may of course be read as ” the origin of these pains comes from believing the Tiny Mad Idea of believing in the possibility of separation from Source.

And it needs presence – and patience with my self.

This is the way that seems the most loving.


And today’s fun: I am following a great blog – Living Europe  and suddenly saw how their descriptions of these hidden/unknown landscapes are exact metaphors of the explorations we do of our inner world and its landscapes:

There are some places which need to be visited discreetly, on tiptoe, and there are some communities who have always struggled to jealously safeguard their identity, especially when it’s the result of centuries of unique cultural merging. These are not sites every tourist can reach. But, if you are passionate travelers who are moved by curiosity and respect for diversity, this tiny village may be the perfect next landmark in your journey.

Through the non-existing Gate

I like the little avatar of the young sapling. It means that my bud-avatar has taken roots and become the start of a tree.
This is the rest of the last questions and answers.
Ilona: anything to add?

Leelah:There is flip-flopping in the brain. What is new, is that judgments about it is are gone. Unless they aren’t, and then released.It just is how it is
There is a lot of tiredness. And any expectations of living blissfully inside non-duality has gone – and somehow that makes it simpler to live: what is here, in this moment, may be a shifting from old programming to seeing through it and feeling relief. There is much aha-s going on when I follow threads – and there is much more feeling of safety on a deep cellular level it feels.

Ilona:Also, tell me, what is here, that needs to heal? Do the old wounds still feel sticky?

The story is still there, but is fast recognized as story. The conditioned stuff comes up and is received and released. There are lots of strong pains and cramps these days- and as long as I am identified with it, it certainly feels like it needs to heal. But somehow “needs” is a wrong word. The moment I am aware that it is just a gift coming up to be released, the energy around it changes. Very old beliefs and thoughts from inside the wounded-me-story comes up frequently too, and are seen as survival kit for the story-figure. When that seeing came, it made a big difference, and it is remembered.

Thank you from all of my heart

User avatar

Postby Ilona » December 10th, 2012, 6:08 pm

What a ride, leelah! So happy to welcome you on the other side of non existing gate. :))
Lots of new friends are waiting to meet you. You are on Facebook, right? If so, please message me and I’ll invite you to groups.

Big hug, and much love.

Cramps – healing

In the night, a toe is bending over its neighbor, strong cramp-pain. To this pain, an automatic response: I love you I love you I love you! I bend forward, holding the toe – and recognizing that there was just a choice for love and not going into frenzy.

It abates.Whatever caused that cramp, received the love and responded with relaxation. It happens without being labeled, or having to figure out what caused it and have it fixed. Love was called for and answered.

Two well-known pain-containers in the body – the place of attachment of the legs to the torso, and the neck – are filled up with   heavy pain. I am filled with gratefulness for the process – I know this is pain leaving. The “me” is insisting: “I did this. I healed this. I am so proud and special!” Witnessing the voice and smiling. There is a distinction between controlling the process and pain by “understanding” it -and  just noticing, being aware of a healing process. Allowing.Allowing.Allowing. With the allowing comes gratefulness – for being part of a movement of healing…of something so old – so held – in the mind – and so judged – now let out of prison –

and now, a wave of sick fear, a belief: “Ohmygod I am setting the devil free” -waves of sickness…and the knowing that this is Grace and not devil:  devil-cast is made to look like that by judgment

Now: images of hanged bodies…allowing them to pass through, forgiving the images … effortless gratefulness for choices to explore archetypes in this life…the image of The Hanged Man, one of the Great Arcana of the Tarot: he hangs also – but with the head down, and his one foot touching the other knee’s inside – just as my position  in bed  has been the last year…new thoughts about specialness and pride –

new image: a skeleton crouching underground in the cold winter – standing above him, a poor couple of peasants- for me, this drawing by Th.Kittelsen is a symbol of spiritual poverty and fear –

I am being with this intense cold pain that seems to fill out the whole of my physical body – and it just feels like a gift of Grace to welcome it and allow it to leave. Nothing to fix – nothing to do  – just be – and now, a barrage of shoulds and oughttos  – just thoughts connected to this archetype flowing through the mind

Blessings…and the knowing that all this happens to no-one – that makes all the difference –

the belief in the value of repressing and denying our connection to Love is allowed to be seen as just a thought of no value –


forgiveness of old cherished beliefs as part of the me-structure –

“When I lay myself to rest

14 angels stand around me

2  smiling by my left side

2 at my right side

2 guarding at my pillow

2 at my feet

2 cover me

2 wake me up

and one shows me all the paradises  of Heaven*

a strong AMEN reverberates through me

this is done


*Freely translated from H.Wergeland

getting out of the way

When the cramps and pains started again in the night, I went up at once and sat down with the Course, chapter 14.

T-14.XI.6. Do not be concerned about how you can learn a lesson so completely different from everything that you have taught yourself. 2 How would you know? 3 Your part is very simple. 4 You need only recognize that everything you learned you do not want. 5 Ask to be taught, and do not use your experiences to confirm what you have learned. 6 When your peace is threatened or disturbed in any way, say to yourself:

7 I do not know what anything, including this, means. 8 And so I do not know how to respond to it. 9 And I will not use my own past learning as the light to guide me now.

10 By this refusal to attempt to teach yourself what you do not know, the Guide Whom God has given you will speak to you. 11 He will take His rightful place in your awareness the instant you abandon it, and offer it to Him.

Went to bed again. Cramps came, and  I stated the truth that I did NOT want to look at the cramps with a perception from my past. 5 seconds – and the pain left.

Later, cramps came back. I repeated the procedure, more and more trusting that it was safe to step out of the old mode of seeing and fixing things myself.

Cramps went away.

In the morning, the alarm clock came on. Instead of the usual 30 signals, it just went on and on. I  sensed a smile coming inside and stated that I was willing to NOT use past seeing as the light which guided me now.

The same second that thought came, the alarm ended. At 56 signals. And something inside giggled.


Skype-session with Kit
I am sharing the cramps leading to the vision of the massacre and agony. When I do, it feels like the memory comes alive in my mind – I can’t count all the times stories I have written have been about massacres – and the strong feeling of being the one who carries this collective memory.
So there are different ways to interpret this: a cell-memory – a reincarnation memory – or the mind’s fabrication of a story that encompasses the collective guilt at the separation. I am familiar with the different takes on the story – but what needs healing for me is the belief that I am responsible for all that human agony, and I need to be punished for it.
This belief is operative behind many incarnations where I have lived out stories where this seem to have been true. The belief runs them all.
I share with Kit a dark off-spring-pattern that comes from believing in the original fear-story: a tremendous need to be “right”, to punish the others who are “bad”, and that I am the only one who is innocent. The energy around this story/these beliefs/ is heavy, murky and mean. This second bunch of patterns are clearly a response to the first belief of being guilty – now the guilt is “safely” projected on the baddies outside “me.”
Sharing this brings great release and clarity. The disidentification that happens is immediate: this is just egos stories. Nothing at all – until I believe in them.
Now I decide to just sit with the feeling of agony and believing “I am guilty”.  After one minute I hear a paramedic siren at Kit’s side. It stops right outside her building. A big smile come on my face: “She has sent for help and they have come to get her and take care of her.” ”She” being the part that has identified most intimate with the original guilt, and who has created all these lives as helper and /or victim. I see the paramedics coming and putting her on a stretcher, bending over her lovingly. She is safe.
As I share this with Kit, we both feel shivers up our backs. Something inside lets go and receive love and care, and the terrible responsibility of fixing everybody’s agony slides right off her. Now is time for rehabilitation – for receiving the love and care she always denied herself.
It feels like new oxygen pours into my cells. Sharp pains that were numbed and frozen are thawing and welcomed.
I feel immensely relieved. And calm. C A L M

Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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