The Final Bite

Dream: Something goes on between my daughter and me, and I feel a hatred and a RAGE that is larger than the world. In the dream, there is something she prevents me me do or express, and I sense I will implode from it. I bend and bite her in her hip- and as I see it now, I bite right into her very skeleton – her bone-structure.

Awake, I know that M is just a projection of my own anger at my parents – that I internalized – and that this judged and repressed energy went right into my bone structure and may well be the innermost cause of  “my” Osteoporosis,

This came after the second time I have done the bladder/kidney/water-poses in Donna Eden and Lauren Walker’s online course *** The first time my body screamed with pain, but  I  am determined to do this in a non-harmful way. The second time it went much better – I must do it in the morning and not evening, I notice, the body is not so sluggish then.

I talked with the Leelah –part who received all that anger and hatred and acknowledged that it would have been dangerous to express it when small- and I admitted that she/ my child self/ had received that bite. For a long time I was WITH her, embracing her, letting her express and rant. I truly SAW the power of denied and judged emotions, and the huge work the Triple Warmer does do keep us “safe.”

I have worked since 1988 in my private practice as an Expressive Arts Therapist ( background as an artist), and my patients have all had the same intensely forbidden and repressed anger. It has been a gradual unraveling through 31 years to get to the point of clarity this late night.

Now there is still work to be done – owning the energy instead of the old habit of pushing it back, allowing it to move with the structures given me in this course. The great healing is, that NOW the judgment of it has gone – not me or mine anymore, just neutral energy that can be given outlets and being played with and expressed the way I love to do.

Thank you Donna and Lauren from all my heart. Thank myself for hanging in there for all these years, vowing to heal myself this life, thank you to all my patients to also hung in there for years until our common patterns were lovingly given space and form – in storytelling, movement, dance, music, painting and drawing. Through it all, Love was present and showed us that we could trust the process, and that play and forgiveness was the main ingredients in our journeys.

After having worked in my practice for 4 years, I started to see a common thread in all my patients – and I found 10 archetypes of fear. I started to explore the very essence of them, and found out what healed our relationship to these fear-and-violence-forces in us all – and finding what healed them. After 25 years worked, I wrote two books about our work – one of the gradual process of working through the darkest forces, giving them space ( yoga was always a modality that I loved) and one very playful one which uses creativity and play – and LOVE –  to deal with crises and transform them into possibilities.

The two books are placed in the right menu. My Amazon pages has many reviews  for you to read if you are interested in what others found helpful.

***If interested in the Course, google “EnergyMedicineYoga with Donna Eden and Lauren Walker” and you will find links and videos.

 

 

sillynilly today

O’Fellah

 One time Iago ( who was a playmate of Othello when they were children) made fun of Othello’s nose, and Othello boxed him on his. Iago’s. It did not look good, and Iago lost a front tooth. He then exclaimed what would be a world famous line:” Just wait Ophello, I’ll get you back when you least expect it, I will” and he spat blood.

Othello thought he called him a “fellah,”, a strong invective in those times. and that enraged him even more, and there went the other front tooth.

And a taster from “108 ways to turn crises into possibilities.” They work for problems and illnesses and overwhelm too 🙂

 

End of the world

If the world would end in 20 minutes, and only what you have written down here would be allowed to continue to exist – what would it be? Be specific: not books, but Oliver Twist. Not flowers, but dandelions and poppies. Not trees, but the spruce on the churchyard where I played as 4-year old. –Honor what has gilded your life! How could you bring more of these treasures into your life and crisis NOW? To be able to contain crisis, we need to remember to nourish our soul and self: this nourishment, this knowledge of what you treasure, builds your ability to contain the pain and overwhelm.

 

Trees

Willow and BeechThis is the view from my livingroom-window: I look right into the tall old Sallow and the Beech -look how they enjoy each others company. And I enjoy theirs! Sometimes it feels like I am really inside the branches.

In my work as Expressive Arts Therapist, I often choose to work with poetry with my students. Something magical happens when we let go of the limitations of our habitual “me” and open up to just “let it write.” In my book, “Healing Crisis – 108 Ways to Turn Crises into Possibilities” I describe many ways to elicit the voice of your inner poet –  it really exists in there! I will never forget the first time my teacher showed us how to find it – and the poem that came out of that – never been so surprised:)

But now, I want to share my last poem about a tree – this is an experience I had a week ago.

 

Fall-ing

First frost today

and my red shoe

gently steps onto

the paper thin sheet of ice

on a black puddle, enjoying the delicate creaks

Crisp air with a hint of fir smoke

fills my nostrils, and I become aware that

I am filled with holes from Spring and Summer

 

Waiting for the bus,

I rest my eyes upon the lead gray sky

when the sun breaks through, and

the Elm in utter surrender shatters

her yellow gold like a waterfall:

Illuminated,

leaves spin and spiral, whirl and twirl

Some spin fast

like they are trying to recall their inner

dance before

they congealed into leaf

Some simply and quietly sink ,

blissing all the way down

And as I notice that each leaf I watch

sinks to earth

in its individual way of dancing,

I sense that all my holes

come together

to one vast

space

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Letting go of the always available therapist

Draft for letter to my patients:

– I am  at my age and process at a place where I am saying goodbye to outdated roles/identities.  I am talking about one of the main role-expectations of a therapist: be available when your clients need you, and when they are in crisis. I am being guided to see that I need to let go of this: as long as I believe this is my responsibility, I can never fully allow myself to rest. This is my summer vacation – but as long as I still have this role/therapist-identity open and running, my psyche is always alert. I can never fully relax.

This role is a compulsion, originated in childhood: your only justification for living is being the psychic receiver for the family’s shadow.

But for me, it has to stop: the inner child will never feel free to grow up as long as she sees herself in the old pattern of “savior.”

I think it is the most common impulse for becoming a therapist: so many of us have learned that this is the only path that is open for us to receive gratefulness and maybe even love and admiration.

As it becomes clear for me that I will drop this role –   I see what a HUGE ego-trap this is. And what a boost for the ego, which is now indispensable and powerful.

Myself, I am very grateful for my last therapist and Buddhist teacher: he WAS always available – and loved it! He stressed that a good therapist, as he saw it, had to be OK with  patients being dependent on him/her – because that was an important stage in developing a healthy ego. He was the good father for me for many many years, and I love him for it.

And now it is time to let it go- and allow my own process to be my first focus: I want to allow the healing I took birth for, as Stephen Levine puts it.

Dear X – please sense and find out if this is something you can accept and live with: somebody who gives you the full responsibility to find the wisdom, love and comfort inside yourself – and who will share methods to do this., and walk with you as you learn and grow and take risks. And know that it is OK to still need such an available therapist – then you need to find one of those.

But if you say yes to work more with me, you are no longer seen as a client or patient, you are not receiving “treatment” – you are a student.

I sense the great space opening around me when I step into this role: here I am free – and there are no expectations, no cords to the past.

*

I wrote this yesterday. Today I spent with my daughter. She was sick -and I offered some methods that might bring love and comfort into the roots of the sickness. She listened, and I sensed the deep skepticism and resistance. For some seconds I picked up the old role again – before I remembered that she has exactly the potential that we all have, it is up to her to choose and experience the consequences of her choices. Whatever happens is part if her process of learning. When I let it go, I sensed the rage of the ego: it had lost its moment of being the one with more power to heal than the other.

Oh I am so aware that I will drop back into the morass again – but as long as I forgive it and smile at it, all is well.

Accepting myself  where I am RIGHT NOW – AND NOW – is the job.

I can do that 🙂

Do I really say this from a clear open mind?   hm…what time is it? “5:56am”

I look at my watch: 5:56am

That sounds pretty clear to me

Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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