The Jekyll and Hyde Syndrome

During my first 20 years I was raped and abused by my father – he did this when being in a Mr Hyde – state of mind. That had the curious effect that after the deed, both he and I  switched back int the “normal” Dr.Jekyll – state – and  no-one now knew what had happened.

A complete switch in consciousness, a split in the psyche  – it took me the first 38 years of my life to  open up  and find that split off / dissociated child.

My father’s Dr. Jekyll part I loved, and had a lot in common with – the love of literature, art, music , and playing silly word games. Some of the most beautiful memories involve my father and I in various situations of Silence and beauty.

After a lot of education and years in many sorts of therapy, I started my private practice as Expressive Arts Therapist and later became supervisor for students in the education.

After ten years of practice or so I started to recognize clear patterns of symptoms and behaviour in 99% of my patients – and from inner guidance I was helped to see that they were sent to me because I was supposed to explore the archetypes in the common psyche of this kind of soul sickness. When the work went deep and down and scary, I called intensely for help from the Divine and was answered in the most loving  and wise and tender ways – and I became aware that all this was meant to be chronicled in a book I was supposed to write.

As the work with my students developed and the 10 archetypes became clear, more patients showed up, always demonstrating the themes I most needed to understand- so we explored them through dance, music, painting, writing, storytelling etc – and there was a clear red thread through my patients’ work, that demonstrated that there was Something present through all the modalities and expressions – and that this Something  was holy and utterly dependable.

The synchronicities were over the top unavoidable to notice -and that helped us all realize that we were  moving through a dark landscape with a trusted Guide – and   where I now started to notice how the map could be made.

The map turned into the three books you find in the right menu:

When Fear Comes Home to Love – the Healing Gifts of Art, Play and Forgiveness

Case stories, autobiography, my own spiritual journey with guidance from Divinity and lots of synchronicities. A bonafide map for traversing these dark Jekyll and Hyde-landscapes.

“108 ways to turn crises into possibilities” are some of the most helpful and popular creative exercises that arose in the sessions – they are helpful for anyone being in a crisis.

The third book, Hilaryon Stories  is a novel – Hilaryon is a state of frequency that may look like a planet, where deep trauma and stories of loss play out among my beloved characters. Johan Sebastian Bach is one of them, and playfulness and white hares turn up to play big roles in my characters’ lives

When you click on the book covers you will get to my author page and may read reviews.

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For the readers who are ready to bring healing and transformation to the dark psychic patterns they may carry, I offer Skype sessions called Transformation. You will get 15 free minutes on Skype where you can ask questions – and if the connection feel OK for both of us, we may set up a session.

The most obnoxious man in the world

I dreamt about him this night – and I am so happy!!! that I now have this energy clear and distinct inside me so I can relate to it with healing instead of my usual full reaction: hate, fear, rage, disgust, terror, judgment, and extreme resistance.

This is truly an archetype of the stalker/abuser who lures children/people to them: they are SO “kind” and SOOO helpful, and you just feel a twitch in your stomach but you are caught in the costume of the little bird being hypnotized by the snake, who hisses: “There you go – yes, YES take a step onto my lovely tounge here SO I CAN SWOLLOW YOU ALIVE!!! ( Evil snake-laughter here.)

Know this once and for all: abusers can “dress up” as incredibly kind and helpful and NICE and even loving. And still, you most probably ALSO felt a signal from inside that was NOT pleasurable. And here is starts – we push our own instincts back to earn love – and we only learn to do that from parents who have learned it too.

Due to indescribable happenings through my first 18 years – and 30 years in my therapy-practice –  I know that ANYBODY with abuse in their story will carry the scars of their own perceptions and repressed memories and images, and they will go on projecting them on everyone they see – until they realize what has happened and WANT to heal and wake up. A Course in Miracles teaches ways to change our perception: we are taught and trained to ask for help by the Holy Spirit ( or any other word you would like – like The Dude or the Buzz that Pam Grout calls it )- since you may agree that the name God carries more baggage that the Chicago Airport ( also a quote by Pam Grout.)

I love the name Holy Spirit, though – since it is easy for me to find that Spirit as the essence of everything alive. And that includes the snake-man: inside is something that cannot be corrupt – something that he has learned and been shown  how to hide and he has learned it from other people who also have learned it.

Well – I did the thing I have been taught to do by The Holy Spirit /Jesus / the Universe/ the Joyful One etc etc – I blessed the image of the dream-man in his original innocence, his childlike joy and playfulness, everything opposite of the disgusting form. I blessed myself in my willingness to see through his form, to find his sacred essence and holiness and recognize it as mine.

Then I went into the living room and found a stack of colored cards  where I the last 30 years have noted truths and beauty, and pulled out this one:

” I will not give you power to scare me anymore.My holiness blesses and releases this pattern from my mind; I have used it to hide form God’s Love. God is not fear, but Love. I deny fear’s hold on me – fear has not the power to take the peace of God away.

Fear has not the power to take the peace of God away that was what I needed to see. Since my human child-experience certainly was that fear was MUCH stronger than God – and that it all meant that there had to be something weird about “me” that these happenings kept happening.

That belief has electromagnetically pulled to me more abuse – and taught me to abuse/devalue myself – as most victims do without blinking an eye.

And it was the mechanisms of all of this that causes me to start my therapy practice in 1988 – “How do we participate in creating this? and what can be done to heal it?”

You will find the results in my three books in the right menu – above all “When Fear Comes Home to Love”

For me and my patients and students, the path goes through play, painting, storytelling, poems, dance – and the forgiveness lets us see everything with new eyes: the perpetrators are really scared-to-death- little children that cry out for love – deep deep down inside.

That does NOT mean that we condone the acts. But when I ask for help to see the inner child of the perpetrator, he WILL pick it up on some level – and MAY feel that first push to stop his crazed behaviour. And I will be freed of MY hatred – which only hurts ME.

When you click on the books, you will get to reviews that can help you find out how others have been affected. I would truly love to share them with you too

 

PLAY

These are extreme times. Everything humanity pushed down is coming up to be faced. As long as we face it with fear and judgments, it will stay. Facing it we must, if we choose to wake up to what does NOT work – outmoded thought systems of greed and fear, of them and us. And to start to bring Love into that, we need to look at our outmoded belief systems: where we have allowed fear to hold the reigns. Which is pretty much everywhere, I notice in myself – the judgments are queuing  up to be heard as true.

I notice the queue of judgments and I turn towards it, breathing the sweet Loves Breath that Jeshua teaches us in Way of Mastery. I allow this breath to infuse the judgemental queuing up to be heard as valuable advise: you should DO more. Learn more.READ more.

I sit with this part of me that has learned that intellectual knowledge is paramount in this world, and highly valued – and that Nature is something that we can take and grab and use for our own bodily needs, with no concern for ecology.

The judger within says to me:” I am so deadly tired. I can never relax. ALL the time I must get you to work even harder to understand, to make you fit in, to save you.” I breathe the Loves Breath into all of that, and the cramps slowly relax enough to let the Christ-suffused breath to seep in and do its wonder. And Blue, my inner guide, tells me to pick up my own book at the night table: When Fear Comes Home to Love -the healing gifts of art, play and forgiveness.  I open it randomly on page 238:

4 Sacred Play / 1994

I am never as happy as when I play. And as you will have noticed, so is Blue – our Divinity!

Play is about trusting – and enjoying! – the process from second to second. It is precisely this trust or faith we need to heal our relationship to The Myth, and start to transform the old patriarchal patterns.

In this chapter I am going to share examples, and some methods to deal with “stuff” in a playful way.

4.1 I am Leelah: teasing Mudmonster with rhythm / autobiography / 1998

I was attending a Psycho-synthesis-group, and the leader was giving us principles from the “Conversations With God”- books by Neale Donald Walsch as assignment: “Being The Highest That we are, we encounter that which we are not.” We were to contemplate the forces that we encounter, that we are not – an assign those to the other group-members, so that they could play them back to us.

I picked the forces “death-wishes,” “cold,” “dissociation,” “loss,” “darkness,” “apathy” and “fear” – and I gave each of the seven group-members one of the forces, and asked them to personify them and challenge me.

They withdrew in the corridor outside the room and mumbled together, agreeing on a strategy.

Then they entered. Massive attack was circling me: I was cornered.

I felt numb and paralyzed. Then angry. I started to fight with words: I argumented with them! VERY BAD CHOICE. They pinned me to the floor. I asked for another try.

This time, I was just present: listening to their threats and demeaning ways.

Suddenly I started to play: I span their sentences into a rhythm, and sang them back to them. Whatever they told me, I created a verse from it: they fed me with material for creation. I used their hate-talk as ingredients for a rap. In two minutes the atmosphere was transformed! They were completely bowled over – and they were laughing! It was impossible for them to stay in the roles of negativity when these word-rhythms came along.

The secret? NO RESISTANCE. Using whatever energy coming at me as food for play.

Later during the same group we are given questions, and answer them:

What is your greatest vision?

To draw forth the creative power in people and teach people to honor it and USE IT. To help people discover – find – God in PLAY and creativity.

What gives you passion?

To improvise and play and lead groups!

Who are you when you do this?

I AM DIVINE PLAY! I AM LEELAH!

I am sitting with my journal, answering the questions in writing. I am burning inside. The name Leelah reverberates inside in a strong rhythm. I ask silently: “Am I really Leelah? Give me a sign!”

As I say these words, I am looking at a building outside the windows. It has lots and lots of windows. Only one is lighted. In the same second I ask for the sign, the light goes out of the window.

Now, Mudmonster*** would have me believe that this sign shoved me that I was NOT Leelah – but the strong rush of energy through my body, and the tears streaming down my cheeks told me otherwise.

*** Mudmonster is one of the archetypes I describe in the book – the part of us that paints the devil on the wall to warn us of what MIGHT happen.

***

Lately I have heard from some of you that when you try to buy one of my books, you get  a sign that says ” this book is not for sale in your country.”

Which is bullshit 🙂 Try again, friend – try again – and let me know so I can bring it on to Amazon 🙂

Squiggly Dance for Sorry Asses

I have had the Hater’s shrieks in my ears constantly for over a year.

Writing a poem about it has been very helpful! And also making up new words.

 

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Tis the voice of Green Hater. I heard him declare:
I am coming to shock you, now please be aware

that I could not care less, no  in truth do I swear

I despise your meek manners, your silverlipped tongue

and your drooping eyelids and songs long unsung

I will come in broad daylight and scare you  quite shitless

I’ll mock your big bum and your wit that is witless

You nincompoop sorryass, daftness itself

I will see you for sure in your innermost hells

where you mope and you moan and you scratch yourself red

and your innermost hope is to drop down all dead.

 

Tis the voice of the writer, I heard her declare:

Oh Hater, I say; be aware, be aware

of my silly-spun heart and my giggly air!

I will spin into rhymes every threat that you throw

ev’ry dullwinded shriek, ev’ry word tasting..OH!!

I will force you to dance with me, following steps

that you never have stepped in your life, little qweps.

I will force you to do what you never have done:

dance to your own silly threats – oh what fun!

I will unnerve your nibs, I will squiggle your goggles

And then then let us have us some heartily bubbles!

 

The Virgin Mountain

After I found out what I truly wanted to experience, it happened this morning. I had wanted to experience being fully anchored in my body, present, healthy, ALIVE and happy – no longer being a vacuum cleaner for others’ negative energies.

In this life I have explored all kind of energies, and it has been adamant for me to learn fully  to be able to be WITH them and not “become” them.

I had a dream this morning, about living temporarily in a house with many people – and in one room there were drug addicts, heavy smokers, it smelt of booze and old sweat and  darkness.  I did not look forward to spend the night in this house – and i woke up.

Feeling this energy when i woke up, I realized I had identified with it – “this has something to do with “me.” No, I corrected myself, this has to do with old memories of being subjected to these energies, having felt them fully as a small child and then told myself that feeling like this, meant  that I must be horrible!

Doing as all empaths do – and must learn to undo: identified with the energies, thinking it is ME, and then making up stories about what kind of person “I” must be.

Now, awake, it gradually happened that I lost that false identity and KNEW who I was – as God created me, eternal Self, invulnerable, wise,all-loving.

And so I could envision myself standing there WITH these people with these energies – fully anchored in the original Self – and just radiating this. No talking necessary

The images of those persons dissolved completely. I saw that I had had this dream to discover that there still was an energetic connection between these kind of people  and energies – and the true ME.

It was beyond description beautiful to feel the real true Me as Presence – and from that True Identity, just allowing the others to live according to their beliefs and likes – knowing they have the same essence and free will to be and become whatever they choose

Then I fell asleep again and had a numinous dream:

I stand in front of a huge mountain, pyramidal in shape, but the sides are longer than the base. It is called the Virgin ( I once visited the Mountain Die Jungfrau in Switzerland, and found some relics on the top that I later attached to a power tool.)

The Virgin had something falling down like  a waterfall from the apex – it looked like pure white light wool. I saw that another woman – a well known energy medicine woman who cured herself of ME and all kind of allergies when she was young had once hanged onto that wool while it swayed and danced in the wind and had been truly hurt by it, almost crushed. I found one tiny edge of it and held on – knowing I would not do as Donna had done and be hurt.

Then I saw that it was pure gold that waterfalled down the mountain. It was glorious and numinous and I shivered and cried.

I want to BE at a place of Being where I CAN dance with that gold and be strengthened by it.

I  will and can do that when I fully have anchored my true Self in THIS body.

 

The fear of being visible as an artist

I am taking a 7 week course called Feminine Power lead by Claire Zammit. Extraordinary in its thoroughness to take a break with the old patriarchal consciousness as the main model for thinking in my life.

In that course, we are showed ways to reconnect with Higher Intelligence,/ Deeper Knowing / Self/ God / Universe – and we are asked to find one time we were truly connected to that awe-inspiring illuminated Power.

I was educated as an artist – and this happened in my 3.year:

The Arts and Crafts Museum adjacent to our School had been asking for sketches  for a poster to a new Russian exhibition. For some reason I was chosen. During those three years I struggled a lot to make great results – and  was not interested in the very process of creation itself: in my Course of Study, Graphic Design and Advertisement, the result was adamant.

And still – her I was now, feeling completely FREE in painting, for the first time since  a very small child. IT was using ME to become visible, it poured through me, my choice of colors where utterly different from my usual choices. I was in a timeless state of mind, it all floated, I had  made no sketches, it flowed  from Source through me, and I allowed it without questioning.

As I painted. More and more students flocked around the table, and there was an atmosphere of elevated rapture and delight – soft whispered expressions of  wonder. Time was absent. There were teachers around me too, they too joined the silence.

The next I remember – this is 50 years ago – was that one week later, my teacher told me the museum had told him that my painting had gone up in fire. Nothing left.  –

A few years after this, I was hired to decorate a new Hard Rock Café in town. I chose to make large reliefs from plyboard and textile from figures from Alice in Wonderland. They were also “new” to me when I made them – a mixture of painting and textile art that truly was “me.”

And after then – just when the Cafe was about to open – it burnt down- all to the ground

I see this as an old belief creating evidence for itself: it is dangerous to “stick out” and be seen – you will be attacked.” This was truly an operative belief in my life as child and youth – and it manifested.  I remember the feeling of “don’t excel as a woman.”

I later wanted to become a dancer instead – truly enjoyed it – and ruptured the right knee.

Then after having sung for 12 years in choirs, my voice also changed dramatically – from first soprano to lower than alto.

So it truly seemed that being a woman and excelling in the arts was not a good idea.

So, instead I educated myself as an expressive arts therapist and used my talents there –now I could use all the creative modalities to teach how creativity brings us back into connection with the original joy and life that we are –  so it is obvious how the Universe sets us up for success, as Claire insists –

I am here with you know to truly share these beliefs of feminine creativity and success – and even though I have lived through all that, something in me still hold on to my products:  book-manuscripts  –  paintings – poetry – strange shamanic figures ( adorable they are ) –  there is a cold and silent space around it – I want it OUT and something in me is so scared of it getting OUT

My two first posts/sharing  at the Facebook group of Feminine Power are held back for  moderation – for nine days now – it’s not difficult to see how strongly these beliefs create evidence for themselves – I have proved it 🙂

I am willing to release those beliefs now

Thank you Feminine Power management for mirroring it for me

(It was also mirrored by a sweet woman form the management calling me from the States to wish me a warm welcome!)

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Last news:  I practiced feeling my true desires to “get this out” to the public – all my manuscripts, art, poetry,  stories including my posts at Feminine Power. “You may go and check now Facebook now” said Intuition.

And opening the Facebook site with the group – there it was

This is The Red Queen from Alice in Wonderland

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Dawn

A most remarkable miracle happened during the night and morning. The main theme to be healed in this life – the tensions between the polarity of “Victimizer/Perpetrator” and “Victim” seem to have transformed.

This is the main theme in my book “When Fear Comes Home to Love” – the dance of Dr.Jekyll and Mr. Hyde and the different archetypes that we are influenced by in all their variations. The most unpleasant aspect of doing that dance is the feeling of being possessed by the other part energetically and mentally – while knowing, with the help of A Course in Miracles’ metaphysics, that this pattern is in my mind, being played out for me, and I (as mind outside time and space) have dreamed it up, and that I can allow it to be erased.

I have to mean it with all of me!

Guess how many trillions of time I have done my best to do that – ahh – and this night, I succeeded in reaching deep inside this bodymind to reach a part of that terrified child. I found her, found what she was telling herself, loved her completely and utterly, forgave myself for making it up, and prayed deeply for help to see this whole dance with the eyes of Christ.

I saw the last man – that I had a strong hook with – with Christ’s vision, and the Love in him, as the One Son of God , was tremendous.

And this morning, the hook was gone. The old energized hook/cord with sickening “mean” energy simply was not there anymore – it felt like it never had. All cords to and from the man had gone, and my thoughts about him now are neutral.

I am grateful beyond description

Thank you beloved Blue for never leaving me, taking me always step for step deeper into the very core of the story/energy stamp – and out again

 

Grace

These have been very difficult days.  A sense of “something” that is devoid of love and  alien to my energy system, and has power to manipulate my mind with images and ideas. When these “attacks” go on, it feels like my body and being is filled with toxic waste.

There is something in me that accepts this and trusts the process – an I know that ac. to the Course, all that really happens is that I, as mind beyond space and time, am choosing to listen to ego’s thought system of sin,guilt and fear and believes its thoughts as “mine.”

I see through that and forgive, and there are beautiful moments of peace – and then the psychic attacks continues.

I had a session with Stacy Sully.In a mail after we ended, she tells me that Sri Aurobindo‘s spirit came to her and told her that he is there for me.I immediately was drawn to his book “The Mother” which described her teaching.  I bought it years ago.I opened the book, expecting to  see what he wants me to see – and find it at once:

” The only way the fight against hostile forces is lost, is not to have full trust in divine help. The sincerity in your quest will always bring the required rescue. A quiet calling, the conviction that in this  journey toward realization you are never alone.”

Yes – this is it. Do I really trust my connection with Holy Spirit – Love – The Divine?

And as I contemplate this connection, shown to me in overwhelming strength,clarity and humor in this life, there is no doubt: I trust it fully.

I sit with this knowing and allow the trust to fill me. Yes, there are hostile forces in my mind, they’re presence is felt in my nervous system, and that presence starts off all the stories  and memories and identification going in the fearful ego mind. But as I truly sense the power of this awesome connection – and its eternal presence of NOW – something deep inside the mind shifts.

That night I have a dream of standing before a nearby food market – called “COOP” – “for co-operation.” A young boy stands in front of it and prays. Waking up, I realize that from now on, at all times, I must be in co-operation with Holy Spirit: do everything with him.

The last day, after this dream, the sensations of hostile forces in my body were intensified. Remembering that when we are close to Home, ego goes crazy and will put up all kind of attacks and threats, I can – well, as good as I can – receive it and pray for help to let it go.

And at about 7 pm, looking at “So you think you can dance” I am aware that something feels different. Nigel Lithgoe is allowing a whole family to dance at the stage – and their child is 4 years old, a little girl. The love between them is palpable, and the dance is mesmerizing. The audience is wild, and Nigel gives the whole family tickets to Vegas! And I smile and my heart expands  and something is different.

What is missing is the constant feeling of being possessed – “the hostile forces” have evaporated. The aches and pains are here – but there is no resistance to it now: it’s just stuff, not “mine”, just stuff. Not personal, no guilt involved. Simple.

The only thing I have to do – ever – is allow the love that is available as my true Self to embrace me and enfold me. I rested in that loving space inside the central column of light, re-affirming the strength in my connection with my Creator

I am in the very last days in the process of having my main book “When fear comes home to Love” formatted. I have changed to a new and excellent formatter, and this time it seems that all is well. He tells me this has been a big challenge for him – very complicated to format for Kindle. I have had to learn a lot about the technicalities in self-publishing too – and am now in the process of uploading all the color illustrations to my other blog, where I have descriptions of the manuscripts. Lots of new stuff to learn virtually!

I have learned through the years that there can be short pauses from the hostile forces. But this time I have this new absolute certainty: my connection to the Divine can never be broken. And then –  forces or not –  I have this unchanging place of Home where I always can rest  and allow Love to surround me.

Watching what is looking

Ilona:
Dear Leelah I’m very happy to hear this. 🙂
So to wrap up this conversation, are you ready to confirm that there is no separate self, I, me? Was there ever?

There was never a separate self, an I or me. It is seen as an impossibility to chop up flow in bits and name them and believe the bits have their own life and will – and it is still seen that that is what humans do. We imagine we are separate, we are playing a make believe game , and words and labels are means to play this game.

What is it that is experiencing?

Awareness. Life experiencing/being aware of Itself.

Is body experiencing or body is the experienced, just like everything else?

Body is included in all that is experienced. There is no experiencer, nothing that can be separated from the experienced. This is one eternal flow/movement. There seems to be parts in it, but that is part of the game of illusion – it is all one glorious dance.

And when you look at what is looking, what is there?

Just unobstructed looking. Verb. A state of being, neutral. No one is looking, never was.

I also met my daughter in town today. People are seen as life expressing itself/manifesting as these myriads of expressions. No me’s anywhere, but I enjoy seeing the diversity in expressions –
My daughter and I fell into one of our usual knots of energy-clashes. I noticed it, sensed it as energy, and humor came into the energy and dissolved the knot. Today I noticed my daughter listening and being presence in a way she rarely is – and I noticed the same in me. It felt like we were just a dance, being danced. Simple, loving.

Love and warm hugs
Leelah

The final questions on LU

Answer when ready in full.
1) Is there a ‘me’, at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was there ever?

No there isn’t. There is no need for a me to live this life. How liberating is that knowing!
What I find is sensations that are connected to the sense of self. I find images. And the me-label comes on top of that, like a grabber. That’s the play of it – and in reality, it can never be. It certainly often draws me back”inside” the familiar me-package – and then, after a while, there is a realization:” oh there I go again – smiles – and there is a rush of energy freed up and a yawn of release: although there exist all kinds of stories about me, stories is all there is.

2) In the experience, is there an experiencer? Is it body that experiences or body is the experienced?
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I remember 40 years ago doing shamanic work, and experienced how it was to go into non-human life-forms. Remember the excitement of it now. I always saw it as the me having all these exciting experiences.That made “me” very “real” and special. Now I have seen that there is just experiencing – verb -and that experiences are different from a leaf of grass and from a sheep. Nobody HAS the experiences .Experiences happen to no one. “leaf of grass” and “sheep” are also labels, given by humans and their labeling-practice.
It is a great and wonderful experience each time I remember that the world is NOT centered around a ME.

3) Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works.

I see a tiny baby, exploring body and sensations, movement, experiences, consequences when growing older – conditioning and NO!s and YES!, and I see baby learning to adapt to expectations very fast, learning which behavior attracts love and soft voices and smiles and what creates anger, furred brows, scary faces, violent acts. And on top of this it learns that it is a name – this name belongs to it and makes it different from others, say siblings or the cat. As it grows, it learns to adapt to expectations and hears that it is good or bad – and both is strengthening the belief that it is a someone, a doer, who can do right or wrong things. I see that all the feelings in baby/child as it grows and learns the rules for surviving strengthens the sense of I /specialness/separation – and also its parents and surroundings’ praise or blame/anger/disappointment seems always to be directed to the I/name – so it must be real! I see there is NO openings for doubt in this indoctrination. It is never questioned from authorities that the I is a construct – until we start to study psychology, and learn the basics for constructing a me – but still, nobody tells us that we really don’t exist at all as a separate person – and that this is not OUR body.

Much of this has to do with language of course – of mutual consent of what is real and what is not.

4) How does it feel to see this?
That changes often! Feelings of deep release, simplicity,joy – or right now, where I seem to be caught in a state of dense headache and tiredness, and just accepting it – knowing that it also just an experience, and it can be welcomed or resisted. Sometimes it feels like remembering Home, whatever that may be – like a curtain/veil being removed, and reality exists and is seen as everpresent/everhappening

5)How would you describe it to somebody who has never heard about this illusion but is curious about it.

First I would tell them that they could get the best info on Liberation Unleashed – and if they insisted, I would say something like:
I have found that “my” separated self is a fiction.( I would have called it separated self, because so many of us my age has been searching for decades, and many have had experiences of Self /Atman/amness/being, and would not have listened at all if I told them self does not exist.)I would say” I have been guided in a marvelous method and helped to see that dropping the belief that I am this self, life is vastly richer, colorful and peaceful.
And then I would have met them with questions: if they said:”that seems scary to me”, I could ask questions – like “can you find this me somewhere?” If they said yes and pointed to their chest or head, I could ask them to describe the sense of me in the body – and have them check if they are those sensations? And so on.
And noticing the labeling-process could be good and also have them look at how life would be without that me-label – just for a minute – that was a really powerful one for me.

6) a)What was the last bit that pushed you over, made you look?

Nov 25th, after you (Ilona)asked me to look at an inner voice and check if it was TRUE. I did see that the voice came from denying truth, something inside reacted with wild anger, I felt afraid – and then that was OK too.
So this last night was filled with a feeling of melting, gentleness, cradling, care, no-time. It felt like “my” whole world shifted – and still it was very subtle. At one point something happened in my brain -and a thought came: “before / after. “Quite a shift. It has brought a slight dizziness today.
Today Nov.27th, there is much murkiness and heaviness rising to surface. I have learned to thank it and allow it to leave.
People’s smiles to me these days are heavenly
Today Nov.28th there is much energy being processed, but also a deep trust in the process – and the process of looking/investigating comes more often than before, and is really enjoyed.

7)Can you describe the moment when seeing happened?

There are many of them. Here are some:

The first came when we (Ilona and I)worked together on August 30th – I think it was our first day – you told me that I was a label and invited me to look for myself – and there was a complete turnaround of my world: of course the I was just a label. The me was like a paperdoll, a puppet, something unanimated. Suddenly all doubt was gone: The I is just a label and a thought .I am not a label. A label is NOT real. This is crystal clear. What would I lose if that was gone – meaning my belief that those I- thoughts were important?
Nothing at all. There would be no more drama.There would be clear perception. The world looked completely different in this view – my life looked different. I would be lived. What was needed to be done would be done. No doer. No shoulder and oughter! I rested peacefully and joyfully in this clear perception until I fell asleep – and when I woke up, the old view of a me was back with a vengeance.

Then there was a moment in the first night after the first day on the forum/thread with Chris7 where I had a dream:
viewtopic.php?f=4&t=1466 October 5th

The dream was pretty much showing how the process was going to be, and helped me trust it and commit to it.

A recent one is 14 days ago, Skyping with Kit from LU – Suddenly a deep and fully resounding laughing happened , and I was so aware that it was not “me” who laughed. There was a seeing that there was someone wise and loving laughing – like an angel – and then that was recognized as a someone/separation too. When the laughing happened, I was looking out on a field from my window -“I” was mesmerized in joy, looking at shadows and colors and skies – it was SO alive and interesting ( don’t find good words in English.)

The last I will mention was reading CosmiK’s suggestion (I think it was him): When you look at that which is looking, what is there?
And there was just this sinking sinking sinking into a vast space – nobody there for sure – and I don’t know if it is called awareness or what it is, but it is neutral and completely devoid of identities and separation

8) anything to add?
Quote:I rested peacefully and joyfully in this clear perception until I fell asleep – and when I woke up, the old view of a me was back with a vengeance.

Chris7 asked me 2-3-times if I was ready for the final questions. I said yes – and then the ego jumped in and drove me into terror, anxiety, depression or paralysis. Each time I was able to have presence enough to be with it and allow it to express itself, and it moved. And each time after I saw that it was all part of a process of allowing old beliefs to surface and seeing through them. It also helped that Ilona corrected my belief that after awakening all would be peaches once and for all – how soothing to know that all that is needed, is saying yes, or witnessing what happens when saying no/resisting. Writing this, there is a sense of clarity coming on, from 40 hours inside murkiness. I notice a strong sense of me inside that murkiness – but I do not believe in a separate me any longer. So not a problem.

I am grateful for Ilona’s start with me – and when my resistance became too heavy,then Chris7’s gentle and patient guidance did wonders – until his internet-connection became too bad to go on – and so I asked Ilona to do the last part with me. Its like a symphony with a strong first movement, the usual mellow 2 movement, and a dance into the 3 movement where light and dark can co-exist and dance until a harmonious climax has been reached.

Thank you from all of my heart
Leelah

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Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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