Dragons and peace

Filled with morning depression and toxicity,I put my feet on the floor, closed my eyes, took a deep breath and asked myself ” What do I really desire right now?”

First thought: To not feel like I feel this moment

No. Go further:

To feel at peace with whatever is.

And with that thought, my life flowed in pure joy for many hours – until a thought come, that was rooted in fear – ” I need a chocolate.”

Really Leelah? NEED? which Leelah needs it – the inner child that believes she needs comfort – that she even deserves it?

yes yes I know this is ego but I still am going to buy it

And I bought it and judged myself for it

and right now I can feel at peace with all of that

*

I also want to share an exercise from my book “Healing Crisis: 108 ways to turn crises into possibilities.” I used it this night, when the depression and stress level was sky-high, and it really helped.

Here it is:

THE MONSTER-HEALING-STORY[1]

If this crisis/anxiety/problem/depression/illness was a type of weather – what would it be? What kind of landscape would it be? –and now, if it was a monster, how would it look? How heavy would it be? Would it look like a human or an animal – or like something you never saw before in your whole life? What sounds would it make? What kind of food would it like? What would be its most treasured pet? Its favorite activity? Where would it go for vacation? What would it DO on vacation, when it didn’t have to do its old usual stuff? What could it not live without? How old is it?

-Can you pain or sculpt this being? If the thought is too scary – what could make it less scary? –now find its soft spot. Monsters always have them. What would it answer if you ask it ”what do you need the most?”

Now –you do not have to conquer the monster. Invent a being who can and will outsmart it or transform it. What kind of being would THIS be? This being could have all the attributes you wish – supernatural and magic, if you want. And please, bring in some magical ingredients: The Sword Who Transforms, The Stone Who make People Laugh, The Staff Which Melts Dragons…have FUN with it, play with it – and dis-create whatever you create, if you do not like it.

And – the talent(s) the hero/in has – could you use those in your crisis? What would happen if you did?

[1] Source for this exercise: Nancy Mellon: Storytelling and the Art of Imagination/ Element Books

 

“Whatever suffers is not part of me “- Acim

Usually, in December about solstice I use to get panic attacks and depressions of a disintegrating order. Very scary: No grounding. It started yesterday, and after two-three hours I remembered – “Whatever suffers is not part of Me.” Me meaning Who I really AM: Christed Self.

That’s all it took. Stories dropped, only raw energy remained – and I just lay in bed welcoming it, and knowing that this may not be what I thought it was – something that was a sign that I had done something wrong.

Without any stories and “small me” attached to it, it was just energy. It felt like atomic strong, but there was this knowing that whatever happened, the real me could not be harmed. And so, resistance fell.

Shortcutting the motor of old thought-habits

When the usual morning depression and obnoxiousness-feeling started, I sensed a very strong decision for Love – to NOT merge and blend into the energy, to not give in to its seeming reality. In that moment, there was no judgment against it, it was just seen as the effect of believing in harmful thoughts. I was able to turn toward it instead and listen, holding a space of love with interested curiosity – no fixing impulses at all, what a blessing – and it gradually abated

After that, I fell asleep and had a dream: I short-cut an Atlantic Steamer  The motor was open, like an electric heart, and I threw a metal tool into it – a gentle shooisshh,  and it died

And as Kit remarked in the linked blogpost, it had a huge momentum, and the Captain was curiously laconic about it all – “oh well these things happen, this is an old machine-“

I am saying thanks and GOODBYE to the old collective way of thoughts, willing to be wrong about being right

Attack

“You are the work of God, and his work is wholly lovable and wholly loving. This is how a man must think of himself in his heart, because this is what he is.” A Course in  Miracles

I sent a mail to Lisa about my long and hard depression. She answered that I had to stop hiding – among other things 🙂 I have been afraid to serve at the Prayer Team at the Teachers of God-site – afraid of falling into the old role and pattern of believing I am responsible for other persons wellbeing. I have described this “helper”-archetype precisely and with love in my book “When Fear Comes Home to Love” – but it still remained part of what I saw as “me.”

In the one mind is a deep belief that “I” can be attacked – that has been thoroughly been played out for me in this and countless other incarnations in thinkable and unthinkable versions – my holding on to that belief as real has truly manifested. About 20 years ago, where the physical attacks had stopped many years ago, but the psychic attacks at night still were ghastly, I started talking into my little recorder that I had in bed to talk dreams into. I pretended to talk to God and allowed my pretend-God to answered. After some nights with this, listening to all the recordings, I saw that this was not a pretend-God – it was Love, educating me, speaking to me where I thought I was – a tortured victim. I was taught how the demonic was only repressed feelings and needs, deeply judged and demonized – and that they could only be healed with Love.

In the chapter “Fuckeat – hatred of needs and vulnerability” in “When fear Come Home to Love”, I mention one of my most important teachers – the Tibetan saint Milarepa. There are many versions of the story of Milarepa and the demons – I like the one where Milarepa after offering them tea, sings sweetly to the demons, and all disappear but one grisly beast. And when Mila puts his head into its foul mouth to find out what it needs, it vanishes too.

Mila was just not eatable. And I have decided that I am not eatable anymore either.

*

This morning I saw that I was hiding from my Self as long as I was holding on to the belief that if I don’t please and satisfy the person sending a request for help on the Prayer Team with my answer to them, they may seek me up and kill me. I have been told that countless times from I was a baby, so it is firmly embedded in the structure I call “me.”

Writing this now, I realize with a shudder that the intense threats and vicious violent brutality that I experienced from I was small, was just a part of the very attacker/violator-archetype in my mind – in the One Mind. And that holding on to the thought that this is REAL – that is, created by God – keeps the separation going.

I/One Mind/ am the source of this. I judge it not. I extend forgiveness to myself for dreaming it up. It is a thought in the mind that I keep alive as long as I keep acting out that I am in constant danger of new attacks if I don’t give people what they think they want. I see that as long as I see it as valuable to protect myself – by not being part of the prayer-team – I am telling myself that I CAN be attacked.

And that keeps the fear and victim-story in place.

I am not willing to do that any longer.

I am the source of this story. Holy Spirit, here it is – simple: thoughts from confused mind, believed in. All of the incarnations as a victim I have created – and the insane anger and hatred that I have SO feared and experienced in this and other incarnations – is part of this belief pattern in my mind. Thank God, I have seen this now, and do not any longer need to project it on attackers outside of me.

Lisa – I am in 🙂

 

The loving Heart

I have great respect for the work I have done the last 26 years in this life – and the strength in the archetypes that I have written about in “When fear comes home to Love” ( you may click on book in right menu to find out more.) The most common complaint this Leelah has, is this: “Whatever I do and experience of healing and realizations obviously are not enough to remove this all-powerful energy field, manifesting as huge pains everywhere and depression. And let’s not forget hatred and hopelessness and desperation. HOPELESS.”

Still, I have trotted along – most frequently remembering to trust the process.

The – shall I call it “madness”? returned with full power this morning. I sat down with it, asked for help, and suddenly the voices of Love were all there was.

“You know what this is: it is the old Leelah-child-identity. What hurts so much is your belief that you you ARE it – still. And the only way for you to give up this belief is for you to allow her to express whatever she wants – in your voice, out loud:) and just listen. Repeat back when needed. The more you experience that you ARE the big heart that holds is all, it will be impossible for the old energy-identity to claim that it is you.

Your one and only problem is your belief that you think you ARE this agony when you feel this agony. You know this too – right?

And each time you wake up – or lay sleepless the whole night – with these agony fields – is a shining possibility to turn TO it and thus claim your divine identity as Christ.

The Christ in you (all) has already healed everything. We remind you of that, again and again: you but see what has already happened. Be aware of this when your inner girl’s agony screams out to be heard: allow the feelings to rise – and now, safely anchored in the Christ consciousness that is your birthright. All It does, is to bless – and not judge. If you hear judgments, that is the little girl too – forgive them all, remember you are listening to an old tape from human consciousness that is healed the moment you listen without judgment.”

I went downstairs and opened my journal. This sketch lay on the page I opened. It is just a blob of colors on a paper-palette – and I noticed that I had made a figure and a story of out that blog years ago.

Here is “The Loving Heart” – or angel – holding the red bleeding wound/child/ close to the one Heart that we all share.

And more than anything, this is a God-sent sign that I CAN – and CHOOSE to – trust the process. When pain and depression comes,  my job is to turn toward it and love it: knowing I AM that LOVE.

blog

 

Uprooted

This is a half-dead Jasmine bush which has served as a kind of fence between me and the world. A Wall, if you will – it has felt as a protection.

During the years, it has grown more and more like a huge magpie’s nest

In the winter, snow  bends its thin branches toward the ground

So I just found two guys with a tractor working close to my house and asked if they would have a quick job. They would, and removed it in less than a minute – see video

The feeling of relief is close to overwhelming:)

This symbol of a half dead part of the mind struggling to live, and the dead parts just expands, and the life parts has to struggle to live – nope, going to take that thing down and release it to the Great Tractor Claw 🙂

I am going to put up a new fence, like the neighbors – it is very low, and I will plant a red tree here!

The Red Tree by the highly awarded Shaun Tan is a very much-loved book:

The girl/we all/ has an image of  the red leaf on the wall over the bed: I see the leaf as an image of the extension of God’s Love, which is Christ. On all the pages, which shows different dark moods and aspects of fear and depression, the red leaf is present on each of them – but this is something the reader has to find out for herself. You can hardly see it on some pages. Oh, the joy when I first discovered it!

On the last page, the depressed girls returns home – and there is the Tree, now fully bloomed! For me, the Tree is truth.Home.God. Our true Self, who we realize when we start to notice the leaf’s presence in the middle of everything dark that seem to be real for us.

It was always there, of course – we just need to change our perception and look with Love

Old movie

Following the process – still the old theme of “darkness.” Yet another tough experience in the night and morning, with overwhelming depression and gloom. Yet – Blue is very available when I ask for help.

Blue:The attacks and darkness you are having are memories from the past – and thus the effect of the belief in Time – being projected into the Present. You cannot fix them – but you can receive them with Love.

Me: Many many times I have met them with the willingness to Be with them and bless them, to extend all my Love into  “this” – and to see it as scared children dressing up as demons, crying out for love and forgiveness – which I have offered, as the gifts I can give as the Holy Son of God, created in His image.

Seeing “darkness” is seeing through a dark filter of judgment –  and with  judgment I see myself as unworthy and ugly and afraid. I see myself as a terrified child/victim – and it seems SO alive in me, I feel all its feelings of overwhelm. Because of  the sensations/pains in my nervous system, I identify with it subconsciously.

Blue: If this pain and darkness and horror is real, God is not real. If you believe God is real – and you do  – then this pain and horror is just ego’s creations, which you, as the Holy Son of God use your tremendous power to animate – or make real. Do not deny your immense God-given power  that you share with Him: the world around you, just an imagination, seems so very real – because as humans, you believe that what you can touch has reality – and the mind is just “thoughts”. Since you, as Mind, made all of this up – = the Universe – saying it is real –you can choose again.Just acknowledge this: “It is impossible for me, who am created in God’s image, to discreate what He has created. If that was possible, it would also mean that it is possible to discreate my Self.”

Me: So I am acknowledging that what seems to be visiting me, telling me that it is more powerful that Love, are just projections/manifestations of guilt, fear and sin – it comes in many packages and variations, to divert my mind and make it interested in my creations.

Blue: Fear loves to dress itself up – and fragment itself into a multitude of costumes and “spirits” that now must be placated by you. Lots of efforts now – to take your mind off the Truth. There is nothing wrong in noticing these occurrences – but you are the awareness noticing it, and not a victim of it. When you stop giving your God-given power to the belief that the show is real, you might just tire of the show and leave the showroom. It is like an old film you have seen in all possible variations – why are you still buying tickets?

Me: so what do I do then, the next time I wake up and feel the old horror in my veins and muscles, and hear the threats that I belong to it? And feel a HUGE identification with the victim-child-part?

Blue: realize that you have used your vast power to imagine something that is impossible, and by that trick you have proved that God is wrong and you are right: separation really happened. The one in you that does this, CAN NOT be the real Self – right? YOU are aware of it – and YOU can choose again. Forgive yourself for dreaming this dream, and for repeating it until you are tired of it. Choose to believe that the power you use to recreate the dream of darkness, you can use to co-create with God: extending the Love That you are.

Me: On behalf  of the Son of God, I choose to release the part of my mind that joins with the ego in this. I know that you will be released, unless I want to use you to imprison myself. Holy Spirit, please let me know when I enter this self-imprisonment-game, so I can choose to smile instead. In the name of my freedom, I release you – because I realize we will be released together.

Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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