Big Surprise

Today, more on play and creativity –
(preparing the scared and reluctant ones for the “Dragon and Princesses”-online course that starts January 1 2018 on Facebook)

here is a short demonstration of play that transforms:

Think of a word. I’ll demonstrate. * Devil.” ( Fear: oh noo!) Oh yes: it comes for reason, Leelah – and that’s what you can lead this course: you trust the process, and demonstrate what will happen when the course participants receive words they immediately will want to reject.

Okey then, lets play and see what comes:
Once upon a time there was a little devil who lived on a mountaintop all by himself. It was dreary and dull, nobody to bug and scare, just wonderful views wherever he saw.

So he uttered a minuscule HELP ME, and there, he sank right down into the top and down-down down, and around him were nothing but angels and laughter and whatever he did and yelled and cursed, there was nothing but giggles, they simply did not take him seriously.

So he started to swear a lot, and the angels immediately played with that,”fuck fluck fickety suck cluck cluckcluck” and there was hens all around him! ” Satan!” he yelled, and the angels went ” satan platan tomaten weights-a-ton – haten daten peyton Place!!!”
“screw you!” he yelled, and the angels came quite near and tickled him and sang “screw you, lulu, honeyhonylulu toodle toodle doo!”

So he started to giggle too, and the cutest little angel wings sprouted from his former black and nubby body

and frankly, that was end of him.

(And right now – believe it or not – my new and expensive security program declared ” End of the program.”

Comments received with joy

Sitting with God this morning –

The first thing that presents itself if “How can I ever trust God completely – remembering all the times in beautiful surrendering, Love flowing in – and then  suddenly Heaven turns itself into hell, where that one who was recently my dear companion turns  into a demon that devours me?”


After this question, there comes awareness of how defense-patterns have taught me to constant be on the lookout for signs that this “switching” in the other person is about to happen: I sense it energetically and via changes in their facial expression and voice. I trained myself to instantly split my consciousness and dissociate.

And the body still carry this habit: being close to God/bliss means that hell is about to happen.

What a conditioning!

The thorough training in not being present during abusive attacks – and the premise that the attacks are real, and not a projection from my mind – and therefore the healing must happen in the mind FIRST – the ROOT must be uprooted

What a tremendous control I have established as my “protector” – expecting the worst, looking out for it, always.

Control = con troll 🙂 – meaning colluding with ego, or what a friend called “Taz” ( for “Tasmanian devil)

I see it now, with a giggle

You are showing me  the basis of all these dreams of being attacked:

A thought that God  – our true Essence of Love and eternal Peace – CAN turn into a Devil who will devour you and crush me – again and again.

While I speak this into my little recorder, the dark clouds outside my window become transparent and the sun flows in

“And this is the thought you have repeated in a majority of your incarnations” says the Voice  – “and thereby fortifying the identification with Taz, in its victim-part. You have also learned *that all these attackers  also have had  outstanding beautiful qualities: extreme sensitivity, almost all of them, and a majority are great artists or  pioneering persons in different fields of society – and they all have this ability to split off their Mr.Hyde-part from their kind Dr.Jekyll.

You made the assumption that to have the ecstasy of creating freely, following the blissful process of creativity, you had to accept the dark side and become a victim of it.

At the base of all of this is the thought that God can change into your worst enemy and stalk you and destroy you – which is exactly what the Son of God thought happened at the  seeming moment of separation, believing the impossible Tiny Mad Idea.”

Feelings of guilt and sin comes in waves –  it feels wonderful to know that these are just bodily memories based on false thoughts: just errors. I see how completely natural for the Taz-mindset it was – and IS – to believe in and identify with sin, guilt and fear –  the mind’s  unholy trinity. I see how intrinsically those dark qualities are assimilated in the mind of the dreamer and its dreamed-up 3 dimensional figures.

God turns into the devil – because by believing in the TMI, YOU think you have turned into the devil – and you now project it  into your image of God. This is the god many Christians believe in – he wants to be feared, and he burns down villages and turns people into salt if they don’t follow his rules. By believing in this God-image, this story, this is the god many humans have experienced for millions of years.

I have faithfully played out my story for innumerable incarnations. I have hung on to the Silly Mad Idea for eons and I surrender it  and allow You to correct it. All that is here are appearances. They are not real.

I look at this me/Taz that is hypnotized by its story and want to keep it. Strange. But there it is. Luckily I have learned that not judging this means that I have forgiven it.

*( through my investigation  in my therapy/healing-practice  with my book – “When fear comes home to Love” – see right menu

What You Are Really Afraid of

A little forgiveness-chat with Blue

Lesson 134:Let me perceive forgiveness as it is. That is the lesson for today.

. W-pI.134.15.” Then choose one brother as He will direct, …” He directed me as the brother today 🙂 My pattern is to always blame me first, and “understand” the other. – Now, would I condemn my self for this self-flagellation? would  I be willing to include myself in the ones I see whose sins are calls for love?

I have the three last days been filled to the brim with fear of attack – two night dreamt about demons, this last night it was the devil himself who held a party at my neighbor’s. His eyes had 4 pupils, and they did not look nice.

I tell Blue about this heap of guilt that I believe I am – and he answers:

Blue: so why would you see yourself as guilty when I know that you are not?

Me: the only answer that comes to me is this: if I find myself guilty, and I find proof of that (which I am very good at) – then it must mean that I have conquered God! And if I am right – then love must be wrong! But why in the +!!!*+ world would I try to prove that I am right in this hell?

Blue: you have made God into a devil that is coming to get you. Last night he even was in the room next to you, having a big party there. You instructed your daughter to not believe in the power he seemed to have, and for her to tell him, “You are Spirit, healed and whole and innocent – all is forgiven and released. You realized that that devil-form was a disguise – and that one can bless it with “you are Spirit” since That is all There Is – or just smile kindly. And Ninotchka -(smiling) this image is the image you have made of God. Now you need to tell God this too – that you have forgiven him.

Me: Me – forgive God? He has done nothing wrong

Blue: There is a part of you who has believed for a tiny moment that the Tiny Mad Idea was real – and she is experiencing the consequences of that belief. And for that timeless second that never happened in reality, you believed it was possible to separate – and that it was wise to do so. Therefore you house this belief that you have taken something from God – and he is out to get you. This is how the ego sees separation. But God never missed you for one second: you never left his Love. – Now you can look at the devil in the room next to you and see what a great disguise you have given him, realizing “no wonder I thought I needed to fly from Love when I have given it this disguise. But evil is impossible – so I am wrong when I see you so.”

And I also realize that every person throughout incarnations who seem to have abused me,  dominated me, raped me,controlled me,mutilated me, let loose their insanity at me – did so because of my need and hunger to be punished to atone for my horrendous sins against God.

So why do I still feel so horribly guilt, Blue, when all this is clear to me, and I want to stop this game?

Blue: Do you really feel horrible right now? . . . or could it be that you still are attaching to the stories where the “you” really feel horrible – because you think you experienced them?

me: Yes! But – why would I want to hold on to those stories?…ahh! I hold on to the stories because I think I shouldn’t hold on to them – and that is the same as attaching to them, calling them mine! And what I/we call mine, is being protected and held dear – now I have given them meaning. Judging the stories IS holding on to them.

Blue(laughing) and you have been fixing your stories and therapeutizing them and understanding them through ages and ages – and you are still here, seeing “them” and “me.” Maye you could be wrong in your understanding? …much laughter…if you had read these stories in  books  – that would feel different from feeling that it had happened to you, right?

me: Completely. No agony or desperation – or, I could feel the agony and desperation in the other characters, as in movies – but would not resist the feelings at all. On the contrary: I would feel grateful for the opportunity to truly feel – but not take it seriously at all.

Blue (laughing) but Nina is nothing else that a made up person, my love. You are the author and the illustrator and  the persons. And the landscapes, clouds and monsters –

Me: and the stones. I love stones.

Blue: you are just as much a stone as a person. And when we turn off the projector, or close the pages, you see that you were the author and the dreamer and the watcher – and that nothing has happened in reality at all: just shadows at a screen.

Me: Please strengthen this realization in me.  This exaggerated abuse I constantly hear from within, and which my body senses as a threat and tenses against, is nothing else than another story I made to convince myself that the separation happened. I am starting fully to realize how intolerable that fear must be: this inner abuse is completely relentless.I condemn myself for everything. All the attacks I ever have seemed to experience, is by me on me. I hate it.

I am willing to be wrong about this – but I still think that I am this ego. I feel so convinced that I am evil! And I am a coward too.

Blue: And as long as you are aware of that, you are watching the ego and starting to remember that you can choose.

Me: I think I am dependent on someone external to me to tell me that I am innocent – for me to believe it.

Blue: and would you accept me telling you that you are innocent?

Me:…No. (Laughing) I really see that I think I made you up – and therefore CANNOT trust anything you say! …Oh I am so willing to be wrong that I am an ego.


This is so beautiful:  W-pI.134.12. He does not have to fight to save himself. 2 He does not have to kill the dragons which he thought pursued him. 3 Nor need he erect the heavy walls of stone and iron doors he thought would make him safe. 4 He can remove the ponderous and useless armor made to chain his mind to fear and misery. 5 His step is light, and as he lifts his foot to stride ahead a star is left behind, to point the way to those who follow him.

I want to leave this star. In fact, It is already done.

my key to freedom – and a bathrobe

“Determination” – this is the keyword to freedom for me. I can not let go of fear – but I can let go of my determination, my decision, for believing in fear. I can not let go of anger and hatred when I feel it – but I can let go of the determination, the decision to hate and be angry as part of an automatic old pattern of resistance.

I am finding these decisions so many places now – sharing one of them with my shrink in our last session today: the decision of fear of becoming fat. My body is changing and becoming fuller, and this old fear pops up. I see that in my family, we were all slim – absolutely all of the family,  and so there lies a hidden contempt of fatness there in darkness. I saw that if I had been” fat” as a child, I would have been terrified of loosing love, being so “different” from the perfect ones – so the determination, the decision to hold on to fear of being fat keeps it there.

But no longer: now I choose to let go – or forgive, if you will – the determination for fear as “protection.”

In the night, I lay there and sensed how my will was back again. I have chosen against will the whole time (my whole life!) I was determined to choose fear as my identity – and haven’t seen it before now, when the blessed Claire asked me if I was willing to let go of my determination to be afraid.

Holding on to old identity…I remember an episode of my all time favorite series “Northern Exposure” – Life in Alaska. In one episode, the devil (in the guise of a very charming salesman) comes to Cicely, and offers Shelley, the female bar owner, the chance to have a wish to come through – in her case, that her bar is transformed into a casino! She just have to do the devil a small  favor in return: “do you remember his old bathrobe that you have wanted to throw away? burn it.” She looks at him – and he tells her, “I am just a talk-show host in dualistic theology.” And he tells her to tell her husband that she gave the bathrobe to the Salvation Army…

In the night, Shelley takes the bathrobe, goes to the basement and opens the big door to the oven – the flames shoot out and makes a big devilish sound. She throws the bathrobe in – waits one second – and “no – no!!” draws it out again, stamping on the flames.

Why this story?

I see the old bathrobe as my old suffering-identity – It has become really worn out, it stinks from mold and old age – but it is so familiar, it’s “me” in a way – it is so safe – I just need to hang on to it just a little bit more…

Shelley in this episode allows her husband the right to throw it away when he is ready. She can NOT decide it for him. Likewise, I will allow myself the time I seem to need to throw my worn out stinky old suffering-identity away for good –  and I will also as my practice  notice where I think I need to put in on, for “safety” – and notice what the consequences are.

Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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