BREATHING FREELY

For years I have had a chronic difficulty breathing. There have been strong constrictions around the heart and lungs. I have knows it has to do with earlier defense in traumatic situations, and have unraveled many layers. Two days ago I found a new one – what in shamanism we call “lost soul-part.”

In my spiritual practice, my body, house and surroundings mirrors back to me what goes on in my mind. Two days ago, my stove-fan broke down.

For me, it mirrors my lungs, and my ability to breathe and filter out the stronger smells from cooking. I knew it was a signal to yet another layer with the lungs/heart.

The same late evening, I sat down in my Healing Room to do a daily Chi Gong Kidney – exercise which has shown to be very efficient. Video below. When it came to ex.nr.seven, where we softly circle our hands around our  breast, I heard distinct tapping sounds behind me, as if somebody tapped the door/window: “let me in!” Then my body shivered and shuddered and was filled with an energy that did not feel “mine.”

I completed the exercise and prayed for insight – got that it was a “visitation:” some part of me that I had exiled wanted to reconnect. That made it easier for me: I truly want the LOVE that I am to transform all those memories and energies and “soul-parts.”

She was easy to connect to now, and I opened myself to fully be with her and acknowledge everything that she had felt – and her interpretations and conclusions about what this meant about her:

deeply unworthy of love from parents AND God. I let her know I saw and acknowledged all her hatred at self and others – “of course you felt this, it is a perfectly normal response to your situation. You have a right to feel all this now, WITH me, not alone.”

The constriction was at first so strong that I thought I may die – and then I realized that it was her constrictions that I felt, so I could be there as her  neutral loving witness. There was a big shift, the constrictions abated the more I realized that this happened for me and not to me: this was part of loving myself free from the old pattern I had seen as my safety, and that now almost choked me to death.

On x-ray one can see a mass around the heart/lungs – and doctors let me know it is not cancer or any sickness. I know the part of me had to create a lot of pain and goo and coughing there – it was like a bomb inside that said “don’t go here! Go away! We will NOT remember this terror!” So the constriction has been a life-saver, allowing me to heal memory after memory all the way up to this NOW. The exiled part is back, and presenting me with the agony, as much as she is able and willing to.

I bless the part in its true being. I forgive myself for all the judgments I placed upon this, and I embrace it. I allow it to be transmuted in Divine Light.

So…the stove-fan?

I have decided to let God take care of that. No worries: I am taken care of each step of the way

I invite you to click the two book-covers in the right menu, and check out if my two books may be for you.

Here is the video:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The three mothers

ODE TO THE GREAT MOTHER

I’ve had three teachers
My Indian Guru
Life and the Great Mother
The first transmitted me the Light
Through life I was painfully confronted with myself
While the Great Mother took everything I gained

How wonderful were those ten years of bliss
Roaming around like a child
Innocent, carefree and foolish
The world being paradise once again
Wandering around though never leaving Home
Everything continuously smiling at me

How painful therefore being pulled back
In what was forgotten for a long time
That other part of me: the common self
Unaware of the work still to be done
I tried to survive in the world
Suffering setback after setback

As I saw only “winners” all over the place
Everything was constantly taken from me
First my family, then my home, land and work
Once again my children, then success and a future
My ability to function, my credibility, my money
And finally my health and some friends

Never ending confrontations with myself
With everything rejected, denied and suppressed
Drove me crazy, brought me to utter despair
My Self-identity once so gloriously present
Broken to pieces, covered with a layer of mud
Not knowing where life would lead me

How lucky I eventually was
After I thought it was all behind me that
Life confronted me with the greatest crisis ever
Which put me with my back against the wall
In utter helplessness
I surrendered to the Unknown

Without samsara no purification
No liberation from identification either
On the Path suffering appears to be crucial
Peeling off the layers hiding the pearl
Bringing you to the Ultimate Reality
Emptiness Itself

While you are striving for Enlightenment
I have come from It
Identification with the goal prevents you from enjoying
As you climb the mountain with much effort
I met you walking down the road
In your ambition you didn’t even see Me

There is Nothing to achieve
Only relaxing in What You Are Already
To open yourself like a flower in the morning sun
Trusting the wondrous “laws of the Universe”
Getting in touch with the Space in and around you
Restoring the Wholeness of Life

Beyond Enlightenment and Death
The Real Treasure resides
It is the Womb, the Abyss of the universe
How compassionate She was to me
Breaking me down until Nothing was left
Hence I called Her the Great Mother

At the end of suffering the Origin appears
It is the meaning of all destruction and loss
Rather than trying to “save all beings”
You should let it happen
In order to discover what is Behind
To die and being reborn is where IT is all about

Your burn out is a rebirth
This is the meaning of a culture that is dying
Emptiness doesn’t tolerate too much accumulation
Both inner and outer things will be broken down
It is the goodness of the Mother to take
All ignorance, self-centeredness and ugliness back

How dear are all those to me who suffer
They are Mother’s chosen ones
How pitiful on the other hand the many who are
Trying to escape missing the wondrous gifts of samsara
On the other hand surrender to the Mother
In Her Vacuum the Light is born

If you think you have achieved you missed
Her NonReality is beyond all realization
Praise the miraculous Womb of the universe
And your rebirth will be ever lasting
And me? Being Nothing I am determined by everything
She set me free in order to become a prisoner

How poor my compassion when it really matters
Mainly concerned with preconditions
I constantly fail to respond when it is needed
Deep regret about so much lost chances
I return to the Mother who takes the sadness from me
Reminding me of my place in Her plan

The key paradox is this
Only by giving yourself up you will be saved
It is the Mother’s invitation
Her compassion wants to bring you back Home
She has been waiting for you for so many kalpas
So don’t disappoint Her

May all those who have heard the call
Whose passion is to restore the Wholeness of Life
Messengers from the ten directions
Come together practicing Unity in diversity
In this most desperate of times
Leading mankind to its Original Heritage

2003 Han Marie Stiekema

Poem source: adishakti.org

Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

%d bloggers like this: