Open Letter to a Friend with OCD

dear Victoria

this is about the place where you seem to be, where you think you are. I am working with the same issue – the willingness to realize fully that I am as God created me – that I am not my chronic lung problems, I am not a victim of it, i am not a victim of a past that my soul/Self chose from a high level to have me live through. I know i chose it to truly KNOW that I am not my experiences – I am the eternal witness/awareness of it.

This morning it became crystal clear that as long as I insist of BEING the person who has gone through all those horrors, I am denying the power God has given me. The person-me is constructed from a zillion of beliefs based on what others has told me – what media tells me – and my own conclusions of the traumatic situations I went through.. I judged them and myself and made  fear-based conclusions about what they meant about “me:” I was stupid, wrong etc.  So I  put pressure on myself to deny and repress that “stupid me” and adapt to the demands from “the others” to be accepted – and this persona, a bunch of beliefs and habits and fear based patterns, we believe to be Who we are.

I know better, and I know you do to.

Still, we hang on to them, precisely because we think we ARE that.

I have held on to the abused- tortured-traumatized-me to avoid stepping truly into my power, which is my true connection  to God acting through me. I have noticed that when I decide to do something challenging to the old pattern, fear/ lung problems act up like crazy, to “protect” me from leaving that old pattern  since this self is terrified of dying.

Still:

sometimes I have insisted of doing these things that has horrified me.The defenses – that I HAVE PROGRAMMED FROM FEAR AND IMMATURITY  – have painted all kind of catastrophes on the wall. When I have believed in those images and threats, believed them to be REAL, I have felt very bad, and then I have taken that as a sign from God that I should NOT do this.

Still, there has been this kind still Voice that has said ” You know sweetie, what if you take a chance and go there all the same. If you hurt when you get there, just return.”

So – when I have done this, the result has been fantastic: I have been with others in a new and empowered way.  have found myself speaking from my Power/my connection to Source. I have felt strong! Joyful!

The last this  I did was this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HE89f600ETA

This is one of doctor Carsten Höller’s creations at the Henie Onstad Museum.“The Slide produces a sense of loss of control and an opportunity”, as he says himself, “to experience an emotional state that is a unique condition somewhere between delight and madness.”

It took some time before I picked up my courage, as I was terribly afraid – but I did it!  and he is quite right – “state between pleasure and madness” is right. When I reached the other end, my brain convinced me that I had twisted around at least three – four times – but it was just one long turn.

And I had lost about 40 pounds, it felt like – and when I walked to the bus over a big green field with slopes, there were swallows around me. They flew 30 cm about the ground and circled me and figure-8’ed me, and I shivered and cried because they played with me – and I have not seen swallows the last 10 years and have missed them like crazy.

I knew this happened because I had left the old “safe” and anxious persona, trusting God would let me fall through it and receive me safely down at the end of it.

He did – through  a very smiling loving guide who received me.

Beloved sister: I know that my most painful experiences actually have created the greater gifts that I could not have offered now to the world. The maneuvering through all of it has made me who I am today, being able to predominantly have a loving connection to the energies in those moments of trauma. But that is only true when I am willing to have that old fear-persona-identity dissolved. Again and again recognizing that fear is not what I want, being willing to be wrong about who I am as a persona.

My The cancer and the horrible radiation-experience was turned around the moment I decided to give it all over to the Divine: “Archangel Michael, I call you forth! I want your energy to flow through this radiation-machine. I want my cells only to receive what is healing and loving.”

There was a clear light and an instant knowing that I had been heard.
And  contrary to medical science, the pain and symptoms after the radiation ended, did NOT continue the expected 14 days after the end. Meaning: so-called grave illnesses may disappear if we truly are willing to let go of your limited view of ourself.

What if God does not create illnesses – what if we do, as a way to control ourselves – and also to explore what beliefs create  pain  and illness and what dissolves them.

What if you are not under the shadow of the OCD, unless you choose to be. And I am speaking about the parts of you that still want to hang only the old identity. What if it is possible to say, “I will act as if there is no OCD that can control me, since I choose God to control me.”

That is a good question since  it makes us reflect on what we truly believe about God.

(And S/He certainly does not push us to understand NOW :))

I clearly see how I have identified with being powerless and under “others” shadow, and being safe only if I use control and my horrible traumas to stay “safe.” These were formed when I WAS under others’ shadow – no wonder I bought into that belief system. It has only taken me 72 years to get here – that is not much, considering the zillion of life-experiences we all have. Please do not read any judgment about that: we do what we do until we feel safe enough to do better.

What if you and I were willing to drop these beliefs and habits as our “protectors” and allow Holy Spirit to take over. What if it were perfectly OK to drop into old patterns again – and what if it was OK to not do it too

I know from long experience that I do not need to know with my brain what to “do” – all I need, is to let go of the belief that I am doing my life on my own.My little willingness to be wrong is all that is needed.

What if we are truly here to share our gifts – and what if our gifts are easy to find, since we LOVE them and love playing with them – in my case, images, storytelling, drama and poems.

So right now I invite you – and myself – to sink into this: what is the deepest feeling underlying my  the lung-condition ( your the OCD?) …is there any movement in energy around it? Is it available for unconditional LOVE? Do I ALLOW LOVE to come into this, once and for all? Am I willing to not know what it is about?

– – –

For me, it was a field of utter loneliness, like “outcast.” Staying with that pure feeling as energy was pure bliss, as long as the judgments about it fall.

Then I heard the question- “And is this the Truth about who you are?”

And then Love poured in “ I AM BIGGER THAN THAT FEAR, THOSE SENSATIONS.” I am that eternal awareness that surrounds it all – loves it and transforms it – and you and I need do NOTHING for it to happen – except state that little willingness to admit that our way has not brought peace and happiness.

Your gift is very clear, my friend: you are called to put the sacred into images as photos, so that we can recognize it and feel the hope in that. Your love for horses is just as strong as the horses’ love for you. It takes an exquisite sensitivity to be in that state of communication with Nature. All of this will create a beautiful momentum when you  decide you are ready to be willing to disrespect the OCD as TRUTH, and instead just sit with the energy of it. The stories and inner screams will be loud and insistent, but now you know they come from the OCD itself – they do not come from YOU and can simply be ignored.

What if only our belief in these limitations upholds all these old patterns

What if pampering them makes them stick

What if freedom quietly surrounds all of it and just waits on our welcome – just as Love.

And here is a caveat: Not pampering them comes NOT from pushing the symptoms down, judging them, repressing them -: it comes from freely saying yes to BE with them.

And that is a choice.

Blessing them and embracing them is a choice too

And what if doing a bit of slacking with chocolate/whatever now and then is better than beating ourselves up for not “doing spirituality right.”

I thank you for your post on Facebook, for bringing your situation up to the surface for us all, acknowledging our deep need for transformation…

Much love!

Leelah

 

 

 

 

Connection

Watching a contest yesterday, close to the Finale now, I found myself thinking about the one I wanted to win. I noticed there was a lot of stress about it – what if this person did not win? That would feel bad…and then an angel flew through my room and suddenly I knew that I choose to choose the one who wins 🙂

The feeling I get is indescribable: no longer fighting reality, wanting something else than what happens every moment.

Most of the night was filled with this ease.

In the morning, strong cramps came in my right leg. In the seconds before I succeeded in placing it on the floor, supporting it, I said “ “Could I just witness this WITH you, Blue?” and after that, the pain was so shockingly violent that I immediately told myself, “no” – I could not stand this a nanosecond –

But something inside me knew that I had already chosen to share it with the Divine – and in that second, it completely vanished, as if it never had been there at all.

In the morning, absolutely everything was wrong with my cell-phone – which is a kind of symbol of my mind. It gave me message after message about everything that did not work – and then the PC did the same: it insisted that there was no Internet connection at the same time where I actually was connected.

I tried to connect to Sony-foras and Sony-telephone support, and they all told me that what I reported was very strange indeed. Whatever they suggested only led to more chaos.

So I sat down and wrote this instead. I believe that ego has a ball with me being sucked into this virtual chaos-dramas – they surely seem real and ANNOYING

I realize how I have somehow given my cellphone the job of keeping me connected – instead of realizing that any break in connections are thoughts in the mind, being reflected back to me. There is really only ONE vital connection for me to make, at all time – and to value the most: the connection to my Self, the Christ

And there’s the sun, shining in my face

Grace

These have been very difficult days.  A sense of “something” that is devoid of love and  alien to my energy system, and has power to manipulate my mind with images and ideas. When these “attacks” go on, it feels like my body and being is filled with toxic waste.

There is something in me that accepts this and trusts the process – an I know that ac. to the Course, all that really happens is that I, as mind beyond space and time, am choosing to listen to ego’s thought system of sin,guilt and fear and believes its thoughts as “mine.”

I see through that and forgive, and there are beautiful moments of peace – and then the psychic attacks continues.

I had a session with Stacy Sully.In a mail after we ended, she tells me that Sri Aurobindo‘s spirit came to her and told her that he is there for me.I immediately was drawn to his book “The Mother” which described her teaching.  I bought it years ago.I opened the book, expecting to  see what he wants me to see – and find it at once:

” The only way the fight against hostile forces is lost, is not to have full trust in divine help. The sincerity in your quest will always bring the required rescue. A quiet calling, the conviction that in this  journey toward realization you are never alone.”

Yes – this is it. Do I really trust my connection with Holy Spirit – Love – The Divine?

And as I contemplate this connection, shown to me in overwhelming strength,clarity and humor in this life, there is no doubt: I trust it fully.

I sit with this knowing and allow the trust to fill me. Yes, there are hostile forces in my mind, they’re presence is felt in my nervous system, and that presence starts off all the stories  and memories and identification going in the fearful ego mind. But as I truly sense the power of this awesome connection – and its eternal presence of NOW – something deep inside the mind shifts.

That night I have a dream of standing before a nearby food market – called “COOP” – “for co-operation.” A young boy stands in front of it and prays. Waking up, I realize that from now on, at all times, I must be in co-operation with Holy Spirit: do everything with him.

The last day, after this dream, the sensations of hostile forces in my body were intensified. Remembering that when we are close to Home, ego goes crazy and will put up all kind of attacks and threats, I can – well, as good as I can – receive it and pray for help to let it go.

And at about 7 pm, looking at “So you think you can dance” I am aware that something feels different. Nigel Lithgoe is allowing a whole family to dance at the stage – and their child is 4 years old, a little girl. The love between them is palpable, and the dance is mesmerizing. The audience is wild, and Nigel gives the whole family tickets to Vegas! And I smile and my heart expands  and something is different.

What is missing is the constant feeling of being possessed – “the hostile forces” have evaporated. The aches and pains are here – but there is no resistance to it now: it’s just stuff, not “mine”, just stuff. Not personal, no guilt involved. Simple.

The only thing I have to do – ever – is allow the love that is available as my true Self to embrace me and enfold me. I rested in that loving space inside the central column of light, re-affirming the strength in my connection with my Creator

I am in the very last days in the process of having my main book “When fear comes home to Love” formatted. I have changed to a new and excellent formatter, and this time it seems that all is well. He tells me this has been a big challenge for him – very complicated to format for Kindle. I have had to learn a lot about the technicalities in self-publishing too – and am now in the process of uploading all the color illustrations to my other blog, where I have descriptions of the manuscripts. Lots of new stuff to learn virtually!

I have learned through the years that there can be short pauses from the hostile forces. But this time I have this new absolute certainty: my connection to the Divine can never be broken. And then –  forces or not –  I have this unchanging place of Home where I always can rest  and allow Love to surround me.

Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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