HUNGER

This post has been edited, due to a missing link – the iceberg, see below.

The human baby/child must be mirrored back from its caretakers in order for it to grow into a separated being with a “me” identity separated from others. This idea – that humanity has unconsciously and collectively agreed upon, and therefore has anchored in our soul, is one of separation’s cornerstones: I am alone. I MUST be loved. Lets’ call it The Deal.

Some example of world-laws/separation laws:

Time exists and makes us grow old and die. Sickness is a nature law. Fear helps us be safe.

In non-duality and A Course in Miracles, we are trained to realize the truth that is eternal and non-changing – and therefore becoming able to see the two thought systems “love/fear, and choose which one we want to listen to.

It has been my strange and wonderful experience many times to change a fear thought underlying a sickness-symptom, and as a result, having that illness and symptoms disappear in a moment.

(My cancer disappeared in one such moment: see “When I am healed I am not healed alone.” Link below. *

https://ninotchka44.wordpress.com/2011/05/17/lesson-137-when-i-am-healed-i-am-not-healed-alone/)

Born into a body and separation, we are dependent on other bodies: – again unconsciously collectively agreed on by humanity * We need our caretakers to mirror us ,to see us, to give us names for all we see: tree. Hand. Milk. And later: now you are angry. You are afraid. Healthy upbringing: and it’s all OK that you feel what you feel: I am here for you. Destructive upbringing: You shouldn’t feel like that, it’s something wrong with you.1.example: LOVE. 2. example: FEAR

I know beyond all doubt that I have chosen my lives down to the most minute detail – and that without them, I could never be where I am now – seeing through my creations, being willing to be willing to drop my interest in their drama (  still a working project ;)) and allow myself to rest in my true identity as Christ/The Son of God – which I share with everybody.

Right now, the healing has focused on a corner-stone of the collective delusion of humanity: I am ALONE and I MUST have love from OTHERS. As I see it, it truly upholds the separation. Nothing wrong with others’ love  – but that my sacred Self needs love from “others is false. Due to the Course and non-duality:” there are no “others” , only Love  – disguised as many and separate, mirroring back to us what we need to see, accept and forgive.

I am not trying to convince you or save you – I am sharing a way of thinking that is healing my mind and bringing me more and more frequently into the Peace of God, and the Joy that is eternally available there.

So this is a place where I  just share my wobblings 🙂

The latest theme is the underlying enormous urge to eat- to fill the perceived emptiness that we may have experienced when we first perceived ourselves as separate from Source. We sense the sucking void of the thought I have left Source, I am dependent on something other than meand this thought  we held to be an unavoidable sign of healthy upbringing: to be an autonomous ego/personality.

In this world that applies -and when this upbringing equals losing our faith in our spiritual being, we start taking fear’s hand and believe that it is safety.

So when I had the experience described in The Iceberg, I believed I was very close to death. I truly believe that if I had believed the thought “Now I will die” I would have allowed the heart attack in – but instead, my training into curiosity and wonder allowed me to choose to embrace the feeling experienced as dying: I MUST be held and seen and LOVED if I shall survive. It shook me to the core,and all through it the fear of death was there – but the longer i stayed with it, the less i believed the fear.

We cannot let go of what we first haven’t accepted and allowed = forgiveness. Choosing to allow the feeling, I did not accept the threat of dying – I did not believe in the thought, giving my power to it. And I truly believe that it saved my body from dying.

What has been demonstrated lately, today in a Skype session with Kit, is the inner hunger that arises when the small child is born into a family whose parents have not themselves had parents who felt safe and loved : I AM A VOID THAT MUST BE FILLED.

Immediately after this primal urge comes, THIS MUST BE HIDDEN – the child can not live with that feeling when it is clear that it can NOT be filled – so our own denial, just like our parents’ denial, creates this HUGE urge: I AM HUNGRY.

I remember a time where a boyfriend, my daughter and I visited a Christian retreat center for a weekend. The rooms where we should sleep were clearly belonging to children. So I asked the son in the house if this was his room – he said yes with a blank, far-away -look. I asked, ‘is that really OK with you?’ ‘This is how it is’ he said -‘ we always give away our rooms for the guests.’

We had driven the whole day without eating more than a little snack, I was ravenous – but what I was truly feeling, without being aware of it ( this was about 30 years ago) was that I was really picking up the collective “ I MUST  BE LOVED, I MUST BE NR.1 for my parents.” This belief at that center mirrored exactly mine( -and my boyfriend’s.)

So when the pizza came, I became nuts, and wolfed it in, knowing I must looked VERY ill behaved, but not being able to stop the primal feeling underlying in us all: I MUST FILL THIS VOID.

I was doubling the pizza pieces so I could eat them faster, since the underlying feeling of starvation was tremendous. All the time the thought: “I will die NOW if this need is not met.” I just did not see that this was not true NOW – it was an old feeling from a very early trauma.

The body does not know the difference: if it is triggered, it is triggered NOW

And underlying all my constant need to nibble and eat constantly lately,is that scream, wanting to be heard.

In the Skype sharing today Kit shared about her son behaving the way I did – to the degree of doubling the pizza and gulping it down. How wonderful to share that I had felt the same, and that his urge mirrors my urge and  her urge – and I guess, everybody’s urge, as long as we haven’t fully awakened from the dream

Let me close with this part of Ode 536 by William Wordsworth:

Our birth is but a sleep and a forgetting:

The Soul that rises with us, our life’s Star,

Hath had elsewhere its setting,

And cometh from afar:

Not in entire forgetfulness,

And not in utter nakedness,

But trailing clouds of glory do we come

From God, who is our home:

Heaven lies about us in our infancy!

*https://ninotchka44.wordpress.com/2011/05/17/lesson-137-when-i-am-healed-i-am-not-healed-alone/,

**You may read more in detail about this in “The Seth-material” by Jane Roberts

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Unraveling stories

 

Ley Tog is demonstrating how to do the forgiveness process lately on Facebook, and I am playing with it in bed this morning:

I have had a recurring annoying thing happening to me: The Post sending stuff I order on the web to a pick-up address I can’t get to. Well, I can, but it will take me 4 buses and a lot of waiting. It is the closest pick-up place -but only if I fly. And I have not been able to correct this via my computer OR phone.

What is the pattern here?

I have ordered with the holy will and power that God gave me – to have huge blocks between what Leelah-child wanted and ordered. I have wanted and ordered blocks, lack, loss and limitation.

What does this remind me of in the past?

I/the Leelah in the dream/wanted abuse and rape to be acknowledged by my parents

She wanted the pain to be seen and acknowledged and not judged and ignored

She wanted to be believed – to be trusted that what she told them was true and had happened to her.

Truth is – I wanted, and ordered WITH the awesome power God has given us, to experience and live through these stories, and to use them to wake me up.

They have 🙂

While I am here in the unraveling process, I notice that my left nostril is completely blocked. I remember all the times with sinusitis and pain and antibiotics and doctors when I was child – and in particular one time when a doctor pushed, with great force and sadism in my perception, a metal rod with cotton wool with some stingy fluid on into my left nostril “to allow the pus to come out.”

It make a cracking sound. I thought it had broken into the brain, and sat waiting for death

I was 11 years old, I was there alone, and true to my own programming, I did not make a sound.

Just as I did not make a sound during the abuse or rapes – I was never “there” for myself. Now, psychologically, that was a good choice THEN – splitting off – since acquiring all the experiences in this life was adamant for my waking up from the illusion that any of it was God-created/God-affirmed.

I forbade any sound and sign of suffering to be heard – I forbade any comfort and love – WHY?

They all did what you wanted them to do. In the moment when the Son – you and everyone created in God’s likeness – had the tiny mad idea that it was possible to create outside of God – and that you even wanted to check this out – you went for it full blast, my love – lifetime after lifetime with playing all the victim-roles – and let’s not forget the other part of the coin: the inquisitioners, the torturists, the sadists, the abusers.*

Ah yes. All of that.

Exactly. All of that. You have – and everybody who reads this- already played out all the roles and had all the experience necessary of doing ANYTHING at all as a seemingly separated being. Enough already -don’t you think?

Definitely enough.

So the only reason there still seem to be suffering is that you still keep a belief alive that says suffering could be true and real.

The left nostril is slowly unblocking itself

I am allowing the bodily sensations to fully be there, looking with Jesus, and just now, writing about it, a deeper level of pain in the left sinus arises – the whole left side of my body seems to be involved. I invite it all to peak, and hear that this will peak many times – “in degrees possible to bear”. Deep gratefulness and relief.

What excellent creators we have been: whatever role we have chosen to explore within the separation realm we have explored to the fullest, and then picked “actors” to play out what we need to experience – whatever we have chosen, getting the knowledge and understanding we need to wake up from the belief that it happened in reality – outside of the dream of separation we created.

This is a dream of my own choice, and everybody is showing me parts of my self I still haven’t seen and forgiven. And the only reason I could not forgive and forget, was because I thought that God had anything to do with it, that it somehow was His Will that I be punished and punished some more.

What a hoot! As if God could do and be anything else than Love!

What a hoot that I or anyone “else” could be anything else than Love – we are ever only encountering what we still haven’t seen through and forgiven – and SMILED TO, recognizing that we are dreaming.

As long as I still believe in guilt, I will have a body that feels pain. But the Course reminds me that the pain is only in the mind: and so is this dream-world where I experience all the variations of god-and-lovelessness that the wrong mind thunk up.

*

I just looked at the newspaper. For the first time in my life I was not drawn into “the drama of the poor unjustly treated.” There is only One Mind – the dreaming seems to happen in a part of it. What I am looking at, is myself in all my roles – believing it to be Real and Truth. And such suckdom.

Looked at with Truth – Jesus – I have done it all and been it all and what I really am NOW is Home, looking at it, marveling, laughing at ever taking it seriously.

How utterly insane this world is. Right now, seen through with a Love that is without a seer.

I recognize the many times I have been here – and realize that each time it becomes more real to me, and the illusion becomes more dreamlike. I will be vigilant for ego thoughts and recognize them as lies – and give thanks for each experience that shows me where I still judge and identify.

Holy Father and Mother, writing the last, strong piercing pains shoot up in the left nostril, I sneeze and there is more light around me.

*

One minute after finished this, a dishonest comment on a Forum sent me swoop back into judgment.

What a relief to notice that this time there are no reproaches about that: just another opportunity to find the false perception and ask for correction. My attraction to ego is dissolving so sweetly

*That formatting happened on itself when I copied and pasted from Word. Nice touch,Blue:)

 

Drama

This is the 40th day of  The 40 day in the desert-process with Lisa Natoli.

I woke up at 5am with the usual poisonous pains in the body, asked for help and remembered Lisa’s theory that when we do not extend the Love that we are – because we forget Who we are – then that energy is turned inward and turns poisonous. It is just energy that is not used the way it is supposed to.

Love wants to be shared – and right now, I was subconsciously  blocking it. I instantly offer to share this love – with whom?

I instantly see images from Congo. Joshua French, the Norwegian man who at first was accused of murdering a Congolese driver together with his friend Tjostolf Moland. Recently Moland died in prison, and French was accused of having murdered him too.

I extend Love to the whole situation and everyone involved, It feels indescribably good, and all poison is gone. While I am extending the Love, there are no thought of judgments, no wondering what this is for, no trying to fix – just allowing unconditional Love into the whole situation.

Then the ego sneaks in an claims the forgiveness as its own: a “me” being the good and saintly one and the Congolese authorities as the baddies – and I asked for help to see this differently. I was shown that what was needed was just a change of my perception of the whole situation – orchestrated as the good and innocent ones and the bad overpowering ones .I remembered Ken Wapnick’s incessant  reminders to his students: The Course is not about changing the world – there is no world – it is about healing the thoughts in the mind that are projected into this world and seemingly creating wars, disasters and evil – and also so-called “good.”

How sobering! All I need to forgive is my perception of the situation – which included distributing character traits, guilt, and blame, as the ego loves it.  The world is a play, as Shakespeare realized. What I see with my physical eyes are only projections of thoughts in the mind – seeming so very real and alive – but still only a projection we humans get caught in.

A beautiful peace ascends on me as I am taken back to Truth – and I pray for help to see the Congo-play differently, and to have my vision of it corrected. As I do this, it feels like looking at figures in an old black-and-white movie, they are flickering shadows. I ask to see clearly, and the figures turn out to be actors distributing roles between them. This scene plays out on the plane before incarnation: “Oh what a great play! So much to learn! You will play the poor Joshua French, and I will play the mean and ugly prosecutor – and then you get to be the innocent one and I will seem to be the villain –  yes, and the Congolese will have bald shiny heads and black suits and they will scream as they prosecute…” and I see them laughing and shaking hands as they distribute the roles in the drama –

– and then I see the “actors” DE-ROLING – now all the “actors” are standing there before me – everybody has “donned” their roles and have acquired important experiences and life-lessons that their souls have wanted. They all have got what they wanted, as the Course teaches – not on the level of the human, but on the level of soul. Now I see only light-beings – and after a little while, I see only One. And It is looking back at me, and saying:

This is all a dream – and you are dreaming it. Forgive yourself: you are the Holy Son of God* who fell asleep and dreamed up a world where there seemed to exist something else than God’s Love and God’s Will. Come Home to your Sacred Self

 

*

To any new reader of this blog and unfamiliar with A Course in Miracles:

The “Son of God” referred to is NOT the character Leelah – the human personality – but God’s Holy Son, created in His image – and that creation is Spirit – our true Identity. It is only from Spirit I could see that play unraveling

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Addicted to guilt

A friend has recently started to attack me: “You have not the faintest idea of how to forgive. You have never forgiven.” My first automatic response is always to think “Oh she must be right.” And then look for “hidden” reasons for her being right.

Today it is recognized deeply that what is going on here is her mirroring to me my belief that I am guilty- and that “I” am buying it, seeing it as an opportunity to feel bad and punish myself.

But there is no separate self – no I.

What is going on is only this projection of deep unconscious guilt, and the field of murky-heavy energy between us – as soon as one of us falls into the old pattern of believing ego’s belief in guilt and taking it personally – attaching the me-label to it. And this is a dance that cannot be danced alone.

As this is recognized, deep peace comes, and the cords binding us to each other, while we play out this old guilt-projection-game, loosen. It is felt very clearly.

Now my intense negative resistance to these accusations melt – here are only 2 people caught in roles and forgetting that they have made the drama themselves.

 

 

 

Mourning becomes Electra – the story of the world

Yesterday I saw what must be the most supreme stage-production of ego-mechanics: “Mourning becomes Electra” by Eugene O’Neill.

Here is what Wikipedia writes:

“The story is an update of the Greek myth of Orestes to the family of a Northern general in the American Civil War. Agamemnon is now General Ezra Mannon, Clytemnestra is his second wife Christine, Orestes is his son Orin, and Electra is his daughter Lavinia. As an updated Greek tragedy, the play features murder, adultery, incestuous love and revenge, and even a group of townspeople who function as a kind of Greek chorus. Though fate alone guides characters’ actions in Greek tragedies, O’Neill’s characters have motivations grounded in 1930s-era psychological theory as well. The play can easily be read from a Freudian perspective, paying attention to various characters’ Oedipus complexes and Electra complexes.

Mourning Becomes Electra is divided into three plays with themes corresponding to The Oresteia trilogy by Aeschylus. In order, the three plays are titled Homecoming, The Hunted, and The Haunted. However, these plays are normally not produced individually, but only as part of the larger trilogy. Each of these plays contains four to five acts, and so Mourning Becomes Electra is extraordinarily lengthy for a drama. In production, it is often cut down. Also, because of the large cast size, it is not performed as often as some of O’Neill’s other major plays.

Main characters:

Captain Adam Brant – (Aigistos)

Lavinia Mannon ( Electra)

Christine Mannon (Klytaimnestra)

Brigadier General Ezra Mannon (Agamemnon)

Orin Mannon  (Orestes)

Captain Peter Niles

Hazel Niles

*

The adaption I saw was brilliant. It had some Weill’ish influence of “verfremdung” – the audience quickly gets the idea that this is a play. The director has a brilliant idea to incorporate an American jazz-band in the story/plot: they are playing almost non-stop, ( For over 3 hours) and  now and then the actors break out in song. Traditional songs – like”Shenandoah” and “Riders of the storm.” This has the effects of strengthening the emotional expression of the actors even more, and gives a very special effect – sometimes it made my hairs stand up, and brought tears: yet another aspect of these favorite themes in theater was shown, crystal clear: this is how we think we are. This is how it feels and how it works – as long as we embrace this way of thinking.

The stage is simplified: the bar and the band -and on the backwall/iron-wall, stylized video projections blown up – many of them de-fragmented and abstract.

When the actors are not in action, they sit as audience on the stage and watch. The actors talk to the projections, each other and passed each other.

They play for over three hours – and then the iron wall to their “world” opens, and behind it-behind the stage – we see a light filled room where a sliver of light pours into the darkened stage. And from this “heaven” outside the stage, an old friend of Electra/Lavinia talks about the possibility of forgiveness.

Lavinia will not hear about it. And she decides that to punish herself enough, she will live alone in the big lonely family house with all the ghosts of memories for the rest of her life.

When the play is over – all the actors, included the murdered ones, enter the stage again and hang out in the bar/jazz joint, talking and enjoying themselves.

That is the last image we see.

This is a play. This is a dream. We are all acting, it is not real, it is not serious: outside this stage we all hang out and are friends, enjoying the music.

*

This day, my whole ego-investment in “my stories” is much clearer that before seen as a postulate and nothing more. The inner dialog goes on, but today my investment in believing in them are almost non-existent.

I am also enjoying Anita Moorjani’s  book  about a near death-experience and complete healing of lymphoma:”Dying to be me.” What a wonder. Here is just one gem: “Perpetrators are more than just victims of their own circumstances. They’re the physical symptoms of underlying issues with us a whole.

here is a video with Anita:

It’s all coming together for me

 

 

Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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