The Cosmic Dance

Yesterday: completely sleepless night – and the whole day was pure hell – prop full with feelings of meaninglessness, non-worth,death wishes. I ate a lot of ice cream

Somehow deeply I knew this was something coming up to be released. So- after ca 20 hellish hours , at about 10 pm, I could sense the whole “cloud” of it seeping away – just as the daylight also abated in Norway. I slept and I dreamed and the dream was wonderful.


I asked my self this morning – “what was the one act I could have done yesterday, that would have helped me?
And I saw myself embracing myself, saying ” You are not alone. I am here with you all the time, I am not going anywhere.”

Then, Facebook presented me with this painting I posted one year ago – the Dancer. She sits on a shaman drum I made 30 years ago – this is the innermost life eternally dancing us all, whether we are aware of it or not. And grim as it seems, the whole 20 hours were part of that dance.

The Cosmic Dancer

This tremendous force of Life and Joy and Is-ness represents the transformation of the ten archetypes I describe in my book “When Fear Comes Home to Love” – you can find it in the right menu. The archetypes exist in every person on the planet who in any way has been subjected to abuse – children and adults – mental,emotional,physical and sexual abuse in any form. The book shows ways to be free, in case stories, poems, paintings and autobiography. If you click on the image in the right menu, you will be taken to a page where you can read reviews.

Sunbeam and Wave

Photo from Shutterstock


 
 
 
 
 
 

Yesterday I asked a question on my Way of Mastery-group. One woman gave an answer with a projection in it- I felt the sting and the instant resentment – and I remembered to ask myself where I had done that? Hm 😊
And what came out of that was life changing for me. I have lately wanted to know more deeply what Jeshua means with “your object of CREATION”*** since the forgiveness-exercise is all about working with that object.
I sensed that the OOC is the story I have made, where I seem to be separate from other beings, seems to be placed in a certain time and in a certain space where memories come from, and movements in my nervous system, all the characters involved in that story-object, my feelings and emotions and sensations in the body, how I breathed in that situation- everything physical and mental and emotional that happened that I called me and MINE – “this is about ME.”
And then, the judgments are the judging way I looked at the neutral acts in the story:  you/they/should/shouldn’t have – you are X ( stupid, wrong, the whole chalabang.)


I sensed the impact of this story of guilt and projection in the body, breathed and cried and released and forgave and embraced and blessed, and fell asleep and had a magnificent dream where I was FREE and related to various people in wheelchairs etc 😊 with lots of humor and freedom, and met wonderful people, and remembered I had a new and supersuper car somewhere – but I had currently forgotten where I have parked it!  LOL


And this insight-angel embraced me:

Truth is – I am the wave in the same big sea we all live, I am the sunbeam from the One same Sun we all share – and as long as I remember my connection with my Source – and recognize where my power and safety come from, acknowledging it – then I know where I belong.

And in the moments where I forget and believe am rootless and miserable and wrong – I need just lovingly correct myself and remind me of my origin. There, I can with clear eyes look past sin and guilt and fear and recognize that that comes from a choice of perception that creates fear. I can start with blessing all I see – including myself and my fearful perception. I can ask to see that the ones who stumble and do evil, have temporarily forgotten the Sun and the Sea. I can remember it for them, blessing them WITH that knowledge. I have noticed that it may be very simple – when I smile to someone who seems to be in a worry-place, they  MAY pick up where that smile comes from, and seemingly in front of my eyes, step out of a dark dream and smile back

Marcos Paolo Prado, from Unsplash

*** from his Way of Mastery-course


 

Lucid Dreaming

I have for a while now intended to have lucid dreams – which means, becoming aware that I am the dreamer of the dream. That has happened some times, and the feeling is pretty  wonderful I think. And this morning I had one too – after having discussed lucid dreaming with my daughter yesterday.

The scene was very non-specular- a bunch of people, most of them with their back to me, waiting for something/someone -? ( Me of course!)

I saw them, and asked myself, “could this be a dream?” I got a YES, and in my hand I had a potato-peeler – like this one.

Professional Skreller Svart

I pushed it into the back of some of the persons, and it went right through, like air. The person did not react at all – but dream-Leelah did: I sensed an electric unpleasant feeling in my midsection!

Hm.

Carl Gustav Jung ( whom I actually met once in a lucid dream LONG ago) said that all dream-persons are parts of our self.

So If I harm some of them, I also harm myself.

Sorry, dream-Leelah. Good learning.

And so to something quite different – or not-? Since we are all dreaming up this world ( says Jeshua/Jesus in A Course in Miracles and Way of Mastery, and every Non Dualist ( there really is not such a title, but but.) Yesterday I visited with M a wonderful exhibition from 1960-1977 – a bit surrealist it seemed – and we found it by entering some stairs I never had noticed before in this huge museum. There was a ginormous chest of drawers, filling a whole room – and I photoed these two drawers:

 

This is the kind of silliness that is pure healing for me. I hope you have good giggle!

I am One with God

Since last post, I have felt fatigue in such amount that I thought I was dying. As a metaphor,my bike’s back-wheel punctured – and I need my bike to hold groceries for me, so this brought up great fear.

I decided to buy stuff to fix the wheel and that I would get help with that, if needed.

The fatigue was still tremendous – and in addition, I found that my stomach was not willing to “ digest” anything – I simply could not eat, I was “full to the brim” with stuff not digested. Constant cramps in the legs for holding on to the energy and not allowing it to be grounded. Please help! What are these energies related to?

Immediately my awareness was, as so many times before, brought back to, as a small child, being abused by my father in a “Mr.Hyde”-state of mind – which I successfully dissociated. I remember making a decision to keep this horrible energy he was emanating, INSIDE me – it seemed in some way to be more controllable. And then I taught myself to dissociate too – and I was fabulous at it, so fabulous that only at 38 years old was I able to gradually know what happened to me and allow memories to come up.

I am 76 years old now – deeply committed to bring healing to all of it – and to dissolve any judgment I still have of the demonic stuff and myself. The cramps have allowed me to see that they come from resistance to the old abuser/Nazi-energy of my father in a dissociate state of mind.

As “Dr.Jekyll” he was the best father possible. There was a complete wall/ split between the two states of mind. ***

 

Now, to this glorious night:

I had a long dream where I travel desolated winter roads on foot. In a desolated wasted house, there are cut-off heads lying around, I try my best to not look upon them – but I HAVE TO – I must allow this fear to be felt in my solar plexus –so I allow it  – I LOOK.

Then the Police arrives 😊 they take care of it and remove the heads. When I wake up, there is still an echo of the agony in solar plexus.

Then I am in my last apartment – and I have signed up to be the protector and carer for a baby that I am not the mother to – she has gone somewhere. It has been given me to take care of. I am holding it –  it is in fact only a HEAD that I am holding – simultaneously an adult man’s head, and the head of a one-year old baby. I look at it with tremendous tenderness. At first, the man has the eyes closed – then opens them – and there is no life or soul in them – just distance. Then he sees me and awakens – and the radiance of his smile is dazzling. It is the smile of Christ.

Then as baby, he awakens too and sees me – an indescribable joy arises in us both. All is radiance.

I realize as awake that the tremendous cramps I have had for years come from demonizing that energy – for defending against it with all my might. And little Leelah had to do that of course – but the adult me has chosen to see it with Love and let go of it. Just energy now – unjudged, unburdened –

I invite the Legions of Light to tend to it in what way is most loving. I hear “ You just had to be willing to SEE and FEEL it through in all its gory details – and this time forgive the judgments about it, darling.”

Writing this, the Firefox-image started to flash and Microsoft demanded my “superpassword.” I wrote it in – (and become aware – what is my TRUE password that unlocks the blocks to anything?)

My superpassword is “I am One with God.”

And please substitute “God” with Holy, Christ, Universe, Buddha nature, whatever is YOUR word for It.

 

***I have described this clearly in  my book “When Fear Comes Home to Love.” And also all the ways I and my patients through 25 years worked with these issues, playfully and with deep compassion. Those maps for healing are in the book.

 

 

Going Home

Many-year-long recurrent dream. This night I was in the US, having lost my purse and passport and ticket and everything I needed to prove who I was. Which is neat to realize – only ego needs proof.

Well, my dream-I does not know that I am safe in my identity as a sunbeam from the sun – and still, it found the most marvelous lady in a bureau, who also happened to speak Norwegian – fluently! I could not believe my luck – she helped me around looking for the hotel where I had my purse.

We did not find it.

I do not need credentials to be allowed into Heaven – or Home. It is my birth right, and the ego is doomed to look forever.

This is an example of how the Journey Home is not linear. I have surely visited Home a thousand times – and still, something in me is reluctant to leave this world for Heaven / the Kingdom within. And I remind myself that the Kingdom is a state of mind where I truly know that what I am can not be lost in hotel rooms, it travels with me wherever I go.

Samskaras – and Dream Fulfillment

I was married to a most desirable man. He fled from an invaded country and got work in our theaters. He had a remarkable reputation as artist, a true pioneer. He was tall and dark and had a charisma than made women literally throw themselves at him and kiss him. He did not kiss back, but he did not push them away either, and told me from the start that he hated jealousy.

He was also 25 years older

Still, I became his fourth wife. -He was nuts about me – and he had severe traumas after being in prison camp as very young in the war, for over 2 years. So we had both a lot of baggage that we projected at each other.

Some of this had the effect that he could be dismissing of me and make me small in the presence of others – and my whole life with him, I ached for him to show others that he revered me and respected me. After his death, 35 years ago, this became an obsession in me – and I knew with my head that I had that feeling BEFORE I met him – and I knew that as souls we had decided to come together for this ( and other things) to be healed, and also to pioneer in our particular brand of art.

When he died, this was what my ego held on to – ” he should have demonstrated that he was proud of me.” And inside, I told myself that I probably did not deserve it. – This was agonizing. During these 30 years after his passing, I have worked with that feeling in all possible ways – and still it is there in my mind, as a samskara.

This is how I found it described at Yoga International:

When our mental world is totally under the influence of these powerful impressions they become the determining factors of our personality, and due to these samskaras we perceive this world in our habitual ways.

I have seen and fully realized that it has been impossible for me to just choose to let this go – it is deeply entrenched in the human mind as a belief in unworthiness – which is the hallmark of  thoughts of separation.

This night, it was removed. Rushes of energy flows through me as I write it down and make it official.

I had two dreams of K: in one, he was in his role as Teacher. and all his students were young women. I entered that room, and I entered it as a woman in her full bloom – intensely attractive and secure in her being, radiating it. He saw it and loved it, but did not in any way present me for his class like I wanted: “This is my beautiful wife. This is my one and only love, whom I adore.”

I woke up and the old familiar agony possessed me – the archetypal belief in unworthiness as woman.

There and then I called K’s soul forth,  and he came.

More shivers.

A great peace descended – now was the time to truly connect as souls and talk this out. I described  this samskara, and told him what I wanted – to have it erased forever, and that he could help me with that by entering the dream space again and this time present me as his beloved wife whom he loved and adored beyond all.

And lo and behold, when i fell asleep again there he was, with his women group, and I can still feel his warm arm around me and the love and adoration in his eyes when he looked at me and presented me as his wife and Beloved. His adoration and full heart streamed into my soul and dream body and erased the samskara.

It is anchored now. it feels utterly new and different in my body.

There is no time

All existence is NOW

 

 

CHANGE

For those who have followed the saga of the mouth dryness drama the last 4 weeks or so – I have notices how subtle the signs for change may be – and how important they are for me to be able to believe in them. The universe tells me that what I go through is not “mine” – and I forget it, since it truly feels like “I” can hardly breathe, “I” feel dehydrated -etc.etc – and then suddenly in the night, in the desert of Leelah two little saliva drops comes – and when I notice them and acknowledge them, the dryness slowly abates.

Then, when the same repeated agony arises, I get an inner nudge: ALLOW the joy beneath it to arise. I work with that the whole day – and then, for the first time in at least 20 years, I actually slept peacefully in three periods, I also had a telling dream:

I had traveled somewhere with two big trunks – and somehow missed having them checked in at the hotel. Returning home I remembered them – but there were no way to search for them – and it really did not matter that much.

WONDERFUL wonderful – I am letting go of old luggage, and do not make a crazy fuzz about it

You Never Know

I am a member of a writer-group – and we have also a bi-weekly poetry contest, where we are given themes and certain rules to obey. Maybe you can see the format for this poem?

You Never Know
Do not regret being kissed by
Elves. Enjoy their antics, 
Fun and feisty fabulousness 
Greet them with grateful gestures
And then wait for your wish to be fulfilled.

After you’ve swooned in sheer tipsiness 
Before you fall asleep in upside-down elf dreams
Caress your beloved and 
Discover her dimple anew.
Then pay the elves seven fresh moonbeams



This is probably arranged for me by elves.

Corrupted files

A couple of days ago, I had an overwhelmingly strong feeling of being taken over by an alien force. It felt like “I” was sucked out – and instead, this other energy took me over, filled me to the brim, seeped in to all my cells, just took me over.

Since I am committed to going the distance, I knew that this was something that would bring me closer to Love – it happened for me, not to me. I went to bed  early and asked for dreams to illuminate what was going on.

It came at 3am:

I was sleeping on a mattress on the floor in a big room with hundreds of others. At my head sat a man with a foul expression, and suddenly he pushed his fingers hard into the space below my collarbone – in Chinese medicine, K 27. I grabbed his left hand and just bit through his finger – there was no blood in that finger, and no pain response from the man.

I woke up and realized that this was not a man, it was an energy frequency of base and vile attack. It had a double meaning: the feeling of corruption and toxicity was strong – an energy of male disgust and disrespect for women – but  there was nothing sexual about it. So, very confusing. I asked my Self for insight, and heard that this was a taste of the main attack-and abuse-archetype I describe in my book  “When Fear Comes Home to Love”– “Fuckeat.” This was part of that frequency – and the question came, was I willing to love it?

Not in a million years! I muttered, and intuitively knew that, YES – I had signed up for this when I agreed to work with the archetypes of violence and abuse when I started up my therapy practice.

So now was the question – HOW could I bring Love to it?

It so happened that Carrie Triffet recently had given us in a course an exercise called breathing-with-Christ – allowing the Christ to enter our lungs and then breathing that love breath into and through everything we encountered.

It worked – slowly, but it worked. AND there was something within that “corrupted file” / demonic contempt/ that  S L O W L Y  released its dark form.

I can do this, and I will. Day by day, loving that corrupted field in the soul right into its sacred center. Carrie teaches – and I fully agree – that God is either inside everything or It is non-existing. So in the middle of any darkness, there is essential eternal Light – and we ARE this Light.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Being with it

I was having a dream with much awkward nakedness and acts and not pleasurable feelings- yiiikes – and woke up and told myself it comes to be released. So I breathed and was with it – and after 3-4 minutes the Light came.

Then I fell asleep again and had this short vision: a vase with beautiful fresh wildflowers stands on the floor in the living room. I say out loud: Who came with this? and a short and stout man with dark boots and little wings on the boots floats down to me and says ” they came from God.” He looks like a plumber – but it is Hermes the messenger of course plumbing his way through my nervous system/energybody and saluting me for at last BEING with all in gratitude.

No more having to find out “where it came from.” Just breathing and being there, curious.

Oh what a wonderful spiritual practice I have! How trustworthy!

Have a great day, all

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Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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