Not alone

Old parts visiting

Lately, I have been doing TAT on coming into this body – and inviting dissociated parts to come back. I did not take into consideration that the energies/frequencies that these parts held would seem to create havoc in the nervous system And I share this here because of the many of us who found it necessary to dissociate parts of ourselves -and the wonder and beauty – and also maybe havoc – it will create to take them back. Just writing about it now makes the energetic havoc from this night and day return – and I have to write this fast, so the illusion will not run away with me.

There were strong heart palpitations – and the shock-waves they made were felt in the midsection – like a big hand down there were hitting the stomach hard. There was nausea, hard to breathe, cold sweating . and a strong belief: “ I am dying. I must get to the hospital NOW.”

Still – something kept me back.

Returning home later in the day, the inner message was clear: you are re-living the bodily echoes of the times you/small child/ was visited by these sensations in situations where you could not in any way process what went on in the nervous system, and what you told itself that it all meant, that you were experiencing this. I opened one of my many wise-quote notebooks, and found this: “ …I realized that my belief of having to fight through life on my own was creating the (…) and that that belief is just an illusion…once I realized that my belief of having to fight through this situation ON MY OWN -was creating this situation ( …), and that this belief IS just an illusion, everything changed in the most miraculous way….”

I am sorry I have lost the name of the sister/brother who wrote this – thank you!

The strong physical symptoms almost instantly stopped. Instead, there came a violent sobbing and calling for Mom, and a part who screamed I am scared I am so scared. I “held it” and listened to it and let it express itself. It repeated itself some times, and then abated – and I knew that what worked, was the realization that this was a great gift of healing – now all these palpitations and symptoms were nothing more than an old tape, being played back in consciousness, and this time listened to and embraced in love.

When I sat down to write this, the symptoms started to repeat itself. I understood that there was something going on now and did not realize that I again had been sucked into the old belief of having to struggle/suffer through this alone. I went into the living room to get a pen, and saw that the entrance light had gone out. The ones who have followed this blog for a while will know that the divine uses this lamp to correct my beliefs. I stood before it, acknowledged that I was stuck in temporary darkness, and said, “ I call on the Light that I am – to center myself in that, while I write about these symptoms. The lamp answered instantly, and the symptoms disappeared again.

Reminder: Help me to remember always that it is my belief in separation that CREATES this situation/these symptoms. This is the only thing that needs correction: my belief in separation – which is an attack on my own Christed Self.

Thank you thank you thank you, Jesus, for healing my perception – and thank you, dear sister who wrote those insights in a Forum I visited.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The False Helper

Sharing with Kit

She shares a story about how her 5 year old son went ballistic this morning because Kit “helped him” putting his trousers on – without asking if he wanted help. We shared how this unhealthy kind of helping is nothing more than a distrust of the child’s ability to stand on her/his own legs, a deep distrust of the power within – our own included – therefore mistakenly needing to “help”. And also the unspoken judgment of clumsiness, taking one’s time, making errors. Kit saw a parallel to Aikido: we are served by working WITH the power, not resisting it or manipulating it at all – like “helping out.”

Leelah’s turn:

I did the same thing with my daughter. She raged at me too – and I instantly understood how destructive it was to “help” when unasked. And that has not stopped me from “helping” her a thousand times later – that habit is so strong ( described in the BIRD-chapter in “When fear comes home to Love”) and so much part of Leelah-identification -) BUT: I UNDERSTOOD how wrong it was – now the practice is just to become aware when I repeat the pattern.

WE need to ask: “Do you want help?”

I become aware of a part who is convinced “it is my duty to save them.” Oh this gives me a fat headache. This part wants to murder them because they simply do not know their own best – but I do! If I don’t help or intervene and stop them from doing dangerous or foolish thing, it is MY FAULT when horrible disasters happen…like I need to tell them that the ice is too thin, and they won’t listen and go skating anyway and of course they drown and it is my fault…

This is when Kit points out, “This is part of the Mother Archetype. It is not personal.”

Zing! The arrow hits the target. I recognize how  parents express this in media when a close loved one dies a death in violence: “I should have…”

Now that the Archetype has been allowed to become visible, it opens to violence: “It is in my RIGHT to make them do as I tell them – to hit them, to put them in a cold cupboard and lock the door and not let them out until they beg on their knees. Until they have learned. CONTROL is needed, force is needed. If they happen to die from starvation, it is their own fault.

How great it feels to let this control -and- violence-pattern out in the light – and in a wave of compassion and tenderness which includes us all, the pattern is free to move in new paths in our mind and bodies.

Oh -there is only One of us here – I/ego have told myself I need to be controlled and forced and punished – for my own good.

Yes, there it is. That’s what we do when we are on automatic and have not found and forgiven these patterns.

I recognize that I am in the familiar disaster-thinking pattern. And somehow it perversely feels safe to be within it: I am safe when I feel unsafe. Insane, but there it is.

But of course the ego – which IS fear – feels safe when it is unsafe: this is ego and I don’t need to grab it for myself and call it “mine.”

I share with Kit how I did not feel safe serving at The Prayer Team – but I refused to let the fear stop me. It did not remove the fear, but I DID IT ANYWAY.

Ahhh – now it becomes clear: There is Something in me that Knows that I CAN handle “the worst scenario” if it happens.

I trust that that is true.

On some level, I must have allowed the possibility that the worst may happen – and then, when the possibility for the worst is not resisted any longer, there is a better chance that it will NOT happen, as Zach says. It is safe to feel unsafe – because there is a great safety-love-net underneath. It is not dangerous to feel fear – it is safe to feel unsafe – it is OK to make errors – what a golden lettered sentence!

KIT:

“The importance is not to prevent what happens – but to BE with it. That de-powers the dark Mother -archetype.” She shares about a therapist leading a group lately who seemed to make a mistake that others pointed to – and he was just THERE – being OK with “doing errors.” How we humans long to have that demonstrated

I share a past-life memory of me having great power in a society and had the people’s trust, I made a choice and we all died. Kit asks if I can be with what happens in my body when I express this – and the story I make is “I can’t be trusted, disaster is my fault.”

But right now, being with the implosion in my body, allowing it, it becomes clear: that massive destruction was meant to happen – and the consequences of it. I was the one who consented – and wanted to play that role. The ego could see it as a huge mistake and push tons on guilt on me – but Spirit says “way to go, Leelah. Somebody had to step in and make that choice and play the role of the guilty one.”

Ha!  I let it go now: just a piece of the script

“The false helper is so convinced she is guilty,” I say, and a huge alarm goes on in Kit’s neighborhood.

A little later, the entrance light goes out again. It goes on when I know how strongly I have held on to the role of “saving others” and that it is “enough” to be there for myself, fully. ”Smile at yourself for believing your thoughts are serious” says Blue and giggles. Instantly the iron band around the ribs tightens – it wants me to hang on to guilt, to make the separation going.

I can be with that too – seeing where it goes

ALWAYS this accept leads to peace

 

 

Release

The reader who has followed me for a while knows that Spirit talks to me – among other ways – via my entrance-light, which turns itself off and on taking impulses from the light outside. And also my energyfield – even if I am inside the house and it hangs outside the door. It always goes out if I am carrying a fear and am not specific what that fear is about and letting it go. When that happens, the lamp instanly goes out – and does not go on again until I have found out what the fear is about and realize that i don’t want to hang on to it. So – it is a great helper to become conscious.

Today was extraordinary: I was entering the living room – and as soon as I opened the door to it, the lamp went out – which showed me that my energyfield had a huge aura with dark matter in it. I am not in conscious contact with it myself – but i know that when this field is there, dogs go ballistic around me and look like they have rabies, and people behave weird around me.

Today, I just knew – this is a rest from an archetype that I have named “Fuckeat” in my book “When fear comes home to Love” ( see right menu.) It is an archetype of fear and violence and attack, and in the morning I was able to BE with some of it for a while.

I did not know that I had not released it – until the lamp went out the minute I opened the door.

I felt wonderfully peaceful as i approached the door and the lamp – and heard myself say” This energy has nothing to do with me, it is a collective archetype, I am letting it go now – and the lamp came on again.”

It felt like standing in a healing shower of love.

When I came home from town later, the lamp went out again. I sensed for any sign, and found only the usual bodily discomfort: aha. From now on, I will remember to actively let this go, when i feel like this. It has felt so familiar – always had it – so I need this help to be reminded that it is NOT supposed to be there.

I choose to be happy

 

My entrance-light has the last 2 years been operated by Jesus:) It has sensors and turns itself on when daylight vanes. When the light turns off when it is dark outside, I know it signals that something in me has lost the connection to light. Then I stand in front of it and ask, what do I need to see/hear here? Yesterday what came up was “I choose to be happy.” And there was a definitive shift inside: before I have had a belief that my choice for love and happiness has no effect – “I am doomed” was the litany in my mind – but yesterday, the light went on immediately.

It was quite dark outside, and I took a walk in the summer night. I noticed that my energy was vastly different: – everything IS perfect. I am NOT separate. Oh my God – my choice DOES have an effect!

There was Oneness with all. The apple trees were blooming, I went to the flowers and sucked their scent into me – the Deva of the Apple Tree flowed into me and blessed me. I walked a little round around the block. There was a newly planted bed of white daffodils, and I picked one. There was a strange sky; on the one side it was dark and ominous – on the other side it was kind and light and summery. I was being with these two variations of sky and included them, looking at the dark variety with wonder and innocence, as Jeshua is recommending we do in “Way of the Heart.” Then, suddenly there was a strange-looking very short man walking down the path near my house – his energy was erratic. He had a strange helmet on his head and his walk was jarred. He did not see me at all, even though I was standing in the middle of an open field. I felt an inner warning: “He is unpredictable.” And I was so aware: he did not see me. In earlier days, I was a fly-paper to such characters.

I stood in peace and took in the change. “God – I really choose to be happy.”

I went home and to bed, and had this dream:

I am in a tram with a crowd of passengers, and there is an absolutely relentless man blocking me, with a ton of hatred, contempt and disgust of me and of what I believe in. The energy around him carried the same energy as the two attacks on my house this last year – which are veiled attacks on me.I cried out to the other passengers, “Please help me – take this man away from me!” and immediately woke up.

This archetype of violence is thoroughly described in my book in the right menu: “When Fear Comes Home to Love,” with case-stories and autobiography.

I woke up, and hear myself saying: “I am not moving from this place until you show me your innocence.” Ah. He is my creation – created by unconscious guilt and fear. I went back into the dream, and he disappeared as if he was never there.

In the Course’s view, the ego’s view of God – in its upside-down perception of everything – is this monster who is out to hunt us down. And I am one of the billions who recreate this image in the form of crazy fathers and rapists and torturers in the world, so I can justify “being” the innocent victim and place my unconscious guilt outside on crazy men. In the ego’s perception, you are either innocent or guilty.

As said early in this post – now I was invisible to such a man – and I truly believe it was my choice for happiness that raised my vibrations to a such level that I was invisible to him.

I see the tremendous power God has given His Holy Son: whatever we hold as true becomes real for us in the dream we are dreaming and directing from Mind beyond time and space.

Immediately after this realization, the body started acting up with huge cramps. It felt like acidic balls of brownish hatred passing through my lower legs, and although the pain was remarkably strong, I felt gratitude: “This is my creation; it can never harm Who I am. It is leaving now.”

I am not willing to see this creation as valuable one more second. The creation has been fueled by my unwillingness to be happy.

In this moment I see the dream quality of this creation. My Self can not be harmed. The cramps changes and become electric fireworks.

If there had been no physical attacks on this house, I doubt that I would have found this pattern in the mind and been willing to release it.

Dear God, I am willing to let you take care of me now

 

 

Two New Entrance Light Teachings

I love these. Some of you will remember that I had quite a few last year, now they start up again. (Write “entrance light” in the search field:))

1)  28. November: Light went out.Fear was felt in the stomach. Doubt: I should not feel this. Then: I choose to disregard the doubt – it is NOT a sign that my true Light has gone out.

Light on

 

2) Today: Light out. I felt a bubbling joy. I told whatever made this happen, “I love you!” And then ” Even if the light goes out forever in you, lamp, the outer light is in no way a reflection of my true inner Light that can NEVER go out.

Light on.

Halloween:ghost and small devil visiting…

The night was filled with scared expectations of how to respond to children/youth wanting treats. The mind went bananas and made the scary thoughts real – what should I do to protect myself from these expected fears and attacks?

Then I had a session with Kit. Oh beauty,oh truth, oh smiles. Without me having shared anything about my fear, she started sharing how she loved the Halloween – death as a costume for play, playing with the thought of death as threatening, while all it is is a difference in perception, a falling away of one form of life into another “invisible one”.  She helped me see that I can see the scary costumes as the ego’s fear of dying.She talked about the warmth of the pumpkin color – the mother-like quality of its belly being lit from inside by a candle – the quality of autumn, the dead crackling leaves, a putting behind, a resting -an opportunity for the slow pleasures: reading. Drinking tea.

I recognized that she was showing me the healthy part of my mind – it was available for my choosing it. And I did.

So – for the first time I went and bought “treats” – jellybeans, mandarins, apples. I made 3 little bags.

Then I heard shrill shrieks and my heart leaped. I opened the window and leaned out to show them they were welcome – it was  young mother with a little girl and a boy. The girl had a plain white sheet as ghost-costume. They laughed and enjoyed themselves. The mother pointed to me and the little girl ghost came running up to me  – and the entrance light* went out.  I heard myself saying ” Oh! You killed the light!” and knew in that moment that no,  a fear in my mind had turned the light off. The little girl danced and laughed from joy and thanked me a thousand times, her mother thanked me too.

Then the little boy devil came all the way to me window. The light went on.:) He was all dressed in shiny black lacquer, with horns – very elaborate costume. Something inside of me relaxed – it had believed in the reality of ghosts for a moment, but this little devil – no.

He just stood there and stared at me for a long time, without saying anything.

“What about me?” he said – thinking I had no treats for him – but I did, and gave it to him.Again the mother and girl ghost called their loud “thank you so very very much!”

I think I thanked myself for giving up the old pattern of expecting attack  – and also truly seeing the innocence and gratefulness behind the ghostly appearance.

the entrance light*

Some of this blog’s readers may remember several posts where the entrance light played an important role in allowing me to find the light inside when fear was present – and the lamp always mirrored that decision. For those who might want to check out these teachings, just write “Entrance light” in the search field.

 

Entrance light

In the night, clear thoughts: “Pain is just a projection from a painful mind. But it cannot be true: God did not create it. Its just a signal of what is in my mind -still judged, still unforgiven.

Late afternoon same day:

The automatic entrance light did not turn itself on today, even though it was dark 2 hours ago. I looked at it and heard a thought: “I don’t need to believe in these projections any longer.”

Same second,  peace washed over me and the light went on

The big black car

New lamp-teaching:)

Looking out in the dark, a very big dark car drove by, stopping outside my house. Instant fear. The entrance light went out.

The fear was clearly connected to the silent-driving black car – “it is going to take me away” – ah, this is a fear about imminent death – ah, there it is again: that part inside who is on a lookout for fear and lightening fast hooks onto it, creating a “me”…

looking at the darkened lamp, sensing a wave of love soaring through me – “Spirit, here is my fear. I am willing to allow you to show me another way, to let this habit go.”

Light on.

And the soft and loving feeling stays

Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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