Old gunk in the cells

I have an intolerable inner itching all over the body. Sensing into it, it hisses and hates. Immediately I recognize it as a signal for a radical choice: turn around and bless it. Accept it. Allow it to breathe and express – let it realize it will be heard and not condemned and judged.

A big room opens at my choice. I am lying in the dark for hours of this outpouring of hatred and hopelessness. I see that my worst experiences with ghosts and demons – those energies, from those souls that decide to stay on this plane after their death – they are here now to be SEEN and accepted and helped.

I did a lot of work with this ca 30 years ago – but then I had a belief that they were somehow doomed and less than me – “they must have done something terrible and this is their punishment” or something like that.

Long time ago I spent the night on an old farm, and it swarmed with ghosts and base, mean energies. Thank God there was a woman there who was NOT afraid, and we went from room to room and called out the ghosts to see the light and return to where they came from. I certainly saw them as something outside of “me.” Not anymore: we create these ghost-like lost beings by violently deciding against looking at them with love,

In the night, I thanked them all for not giving up trying to get me to SEE them with love. I saw that it was my violent resistance to these energies that demonized them. The shift in frequency was remarkable.

This hatred in my mind – there was never given SPACE for it. It was pressured together into a little stone hard ball, it could not even breathe in there. No wonder its rage was explosive.

I forgive all the ghosts that I have fed with resistance and judgments. I forgive all the parents in all incarnations I have had who never have dared to look at this inside themselves. I can now clearly see the same God essence in all – and how by our false perception we pervert it and make it into hate.  Help me realize how important it is to SEE and acknowledge this original hate and give it space to BE and to be seen.

I let go of the thought that I have been unjustly treated – that I am evil – that there is something wrong about me –

I remember our cat, Cleo – she had been rejected by her mother, so we got her when she was only three weeks old. She walked the top of the sofa behind us and hissed and growled, and I understood that she mirrored something in me. Oh yes. Now, 30 years later, I can see the depth of that hidden rage – never been allowed to be a child (or kitten )– with  a stable and safe-feeling mother.

I choose to allow Love to FLOW into all of this. I forgive all the roles I have played. I breathe the breath of Christ into all of it. May Grace take over.


After this I have a dream about a horse – free, wild, running just to run free and wild – it is its nature – its horsepower.  My breath is deep and free as I see my inner horsepower free. This is what we access when we have walked through our guarded rooms to the jewel inside.

Then I was given a wild dog called Tycho. That is Greek and means good luck – and hitting the mark. It also means having a good backbone

Next day and night the itching is back – and this time it is about shame. All the ways I have been taught to call myself shameful for acts or thoughts I have taken over from others. How beautiful to now be able to be the welcome and embrace of all those thoughts and energies, and finding the God- essence inside all of them.

Without the “me” and “mine” attached to them, it is just neutral energy, calling for love.



A New Human: transformation of suffering, an alchemic process

I have recently practiced ” I choose to want God/LOVE above all NOW.”

It truly has rolled beautifully, until this morning when the usual agony was back. I opened a note-book at my bed table: (Please click on it to get the whole text.)

I then remembered that I had already painted three images of this process many years ago. Luckily I saved them in a file on my PC – here is how it may look when we, as Self, embrace the darkness – and what it then turns into ♥

Here it is absorbed

and these two images show the next two stages in the transformation process

As you see, the darkness has transformed into a Menorah – a light-giver

Mirrored by my cat

The more I do the STT,* the deeper and more primal the results. And my dreams go right to the basics. This morning I awoke after dreaming about my (deceased) cat Cleo.She came from behind and expected food, which I had ready for her.
When I awoke, I asked what this is about – what does she mirror for me?

Cleo was rejected from her mother as very small – 4 weeks. She was denied nourishment, just like I was – as 4 years old, my mother “died”for me : after a group rape in a wood when I returned, it was not allowed to talk about it – and so there were signals that this did NOT happened – there were no comfort,support,validation – just the underlying message that “there is no place for your feelings.”

There must have been hundreds beliefs and conclusions forming to help me cope and survive – and hatred was certainly one of them – hatred is active. So I hated my mother first – and since that was not a valid solution, I turned the hatred on me – and THEN I repressed it and denied it.

I saw clearly this morning where all the psychic attacks has come from – this hidden hatred at Self has invited in it – the frequency of the hatred naturally attracted more of same frequency.

So back to Cleo – the first week, each morning, she climbed my lap and for about ten minuted she talked to me with her voice, and then jumped down.

Then she started her teachings: when my daughter and I sat in the sofa, Cleo jumped up on the top of the sofa behind us, and hissed and put her claws in our necks. I asked myself that time what that mirrored, and saw that she mirrored my anger – but i did not realize then that it mirrored my unconscious anger at my daughter. The repressed anger I had for my mother I now projected at my daughter: I hated her for not being a mother to me, for forcing ME to BE a mother, when I felt like a four-year old. All of this was repressed of course.

After 7 months Cleo got pregnant with 4 kittens. We kept one – and from day one Cleo hated that daughter. She never would be patted, she never sat on our lap, for as long as her daughter lived. She was mean as hell all those years.When her daughter died, 13 years later, Cleo instantly claimed her place again – now she was the ONLY one. After 13 years we were allowed to pet her and hold her.

I did a STT on that inner four-year old haterer, who lived in the bladder. When she  – that inner part of me – saw how Cleo had mirrored her own hatred and wish to be prioritized, the dams of anger broke,and when I honored her deeply for holding on to all of that, the dams of tears broke. After 68 years I truly embraced that 4 year old with her immense hatred -all judgments GONE.

There were angels around us then and for as long as the STT lasted, and she saw that the LOVE was stronger than the hate.

I realized how much that hidden hatred had attracted more abuse,and dark visitors and demonic material. And working and exploring that for 25 years with my clients and myself, led to me writing  When Fear Comes Home to Love, in the right menu.

The dream and the work with it  – and STT this morning –  is a great conclusion of this work: It is not the hatred in itself that creates “the evil” and the dark attacks – it is our judgments at the hatred, the shame, the feelings of unworthiness it creates – and our identification with these feelings. Merging is a good word.


  • Spontaneous Transformation Technique

You Are Eternal

I have just lived through what will be an added last chapter to “When Fear Comes Home To Love” – see the right menu.

I am working with Tapas Fleming on a root memory/trauma in my mind: that of trusting somebody in power completely – and then, when trusting, open and vulnerable, to be attacked viciously. What did I tell myself when that happened? “I must never let up my guard again – always expect the worst.”

Tapas tell me to speak to those parts of my mind who believe this – and in that second, I SEE them: great crowds of people with that bodymind-pattern. I see and sense them surrounding me, and everything in my mind focuses on THIS moment and the opening for healing – on a personal and collective level.

“What I would like those parts to notice” says Tapas, talking to the parts on my behalf, “is that even though you were tricked and shocked, and even though you decided never to let up your guard again – what would be good for you to notice about yourself, is that actually you are eternal. – Even though all of that happened, it is not happening NOW – and you were not what you were involved in.”

While she speaks, I SEE the crowd instantly realizing – knowing that they ARE eternal. The energy in the crowd is vastly changed – like it was just a dream and they have awakened.

And – I needed to be seen as eternal. It is beyond beautiful to BE SEEN in that identity.

I have been dreaming and I am awake now

The shift from the victim identity to Christ/Self

Under my navel, where there was a demonic wolf-like being, is now a LOVE-sun, radiating its light into this body. The crowd is conveying, “Although we were shocked, shocked is not what we are and what we are, can not be shocked.”

The shift is utterly complete – in that one second when we heard and believed, “I am eternal.”

I sense all the stories and false identities that they/we/were temporal and not eternal, melt away. I sense their overflowing gratitude to Tapas for the reminder, and for me to holding all of that so we all could benefit in this way.

Just writing this down, I feel the sun in my belly again. It is much more than warmth. It is wordless all -encompassing love.

All the feelings I have had of being distrusted and disrespected by everybody have disappeared. It all came from inside my mind, through this link to the persons sharing the imprint of never to fully trust again.

I am as God created me. I am created in His image.

“And now we come together to bless – what we judged and hated, we are now here to bless it all” the crowd conveys.

“It’s so beautiful. It’s a blessing for me to be with you” says Tapas.

I watch ancestral lines wake up and hooraying – not yelling, just pure relief of not being caught in dream-hell anymore. No need to go into bodies to hide from a vengeful god anymore – unless we want to. We just need to be Who we are – and extend that Love.


What Tapas did first in our session was to “scan” me – and she noticed that my pineal gland  had some attacking energy right around it. It was tired and worn out. When she mentioned it, I sensed the old old presence of “evil” and “dangerous” and weird. We included the pineal and “the attacker” in our invitation to parts that were offered ways to heal.

This morning, I went to the Pineal and checked – is the craziness there still?


The thing is – I have always checked after all my other sessions and healings – and this has always been left. Now I know why: I had hooked into our common angst. Now this healing has touched the collective, and the ones involved who were attached to me, aren’t any longer.

The story has played itself out

The energy of the Pineal is still tired – but not awaiting attack anymore. It just needs rest.

So I will rest


Blessings to you all






The decision to choose is mine

Morning in bed

There it is: the unmistakably sensations of evil in my mind. A split second “oh no not again” – then crystal clear: “And it has nothing to do with me.”

Now there are two fields to observe: a good one and a bad one

And there is The Big Embracing One, Who says, “Come Home children, the day is over, you have played and now it is time to rest. Come home darlings.”

I recognize that all the time “I” am drawn into reading about war and terror and head chopping and abuse – it is “the bad one’s” choice.

I have truly identified with it throughout incarnations: everything I resist, has to do with “me” = the separated identity – and so I have told myself that it has value and is real and must be protected in my mind

I am lying in bed and truly exploring if this IS valuable to keep

“What you see are appearances only. Behind the appearances are souls who ask you to see the Christ in them instead. Remember – it is only your own projected images you see. They belong to the world –  a place where good and evil can play out and be experienced- and as you just wrote above, after the play comes the rest – and also the choice to play WITH God instead of on your own.”

From my window I look down on a playground. Right now, there is a father standing there, looking at his two little children in a slide. His bodily position exudes boredom and irritation and separation from play – he signals “ I don’t know who I am in this setting.”

I bless him and embrace him/this projected part of me/ and sense great love doing it. He goes over to the slide and slowly start interacting with them. His position is not so rigid any longer. I realize that anybody reading it may well think I have gone mad, thinking that my choice for love can influence the world around me – and that I am just making all this up. You are of course free to believe or not believe anything I write – please feel free to dismiss anything that does not resonate with your heart. I am just sharing how my world changes when I DO accept teachings like A Course in Miracles – this is what this blog is about.

Looking up again at the father and his children now:

They are running! Oh my – they are running in the grass and laughing

I feel so very very happy















The old poisonous story

This night, I saw through the pattern of being “unjustly treated,” “disrespected.”

I saw how I have projected this pattern  –  this part of “my story” – on clients and others (included rapists and insane people from childhood): No – Leelah has not done that – egomind has, in order to secure its status as separate, special, master of its own destiny. It’s not that I attract them – its that I immediately project this story on them and myself, in order to keep my separated self intact. The story is of such magnetic/vibrational magnitude because it is the main story of the world: the innocent victim and the guilty violator.

The projector is me: what a relief to see  that I am “dreaming” this whole story up and making it real, believing in its very realistic appearances and pains.

It is not real: God has never thought these thoughts. It has never happened in reality – in Heaven.

How can I not be respected? I am a reflection of God’s perfection, created in his Image.

I forgive myself for dreaming this impossible dream and for taking the innocent role-part.

I am done fighting Love in this way – how beautiful to just relax into the knowing that I am innocent, and so are the role-players of perpetrators. The degree of perversion and “evil” means nothing: the original pain and fear in the mind came from the Son of God’s belief that the Tiny Mad Idea was real.

I forgive myself for making you act out, so that I can keep my story of “me.”Keep the specialness going.

Holy Spirit, thank you for showing me the complete insanity of the egomind. I don’t want to do it any more.


Allowing and including joy and praise

Ahh the joys and and griefs of self publishing…

Joys when somebody buy this paperback and I GET REVIEWS♥♥♥


and then the griefs when the electronic Kindle versions are corrupted and I un-publish them, and they are still there to be bought- in my name – oo, SO unpleasant –

But I am noticing a very interesting thing:

I have been in a vicious circle which I now see how I have made. Which is a good thing to see!

The mechanism is very simple: looking at errors and accepting them as real make it so. I have looked at everything seemly going wrong with the books – editing, corruptions in the ebook-process -endless misunderstandings – and reacting at these faults and glitches  has made more and more of them: I am a Course student, and the Course really hammers this in that what we put our belief in, becomes real for us.

Concentrating on errors make more errors.And in my case, it has made me identify -again and again -with the childhood-girl in fear and pain

I talked to Kit today and described the feeling of deep frustration and depression about all the seeming obstacles to the books being published – and Kit helped me see that what was missing here, was my own support for myself, and the joy I felt I have put into them. She made me see this by insisting of giving time for herself to really sense the joy she felt when I talked about the books and the work.

I sat there and just felt my nervous system calm down and starting to glow in joy. I had not given space to this before – just for short glimpses. Now I sat and let it envelope me – the feeling of having done a great work, and how grateful I am for myself really hanging in there for 22 years in spite of the troubles and darkness that followed the process.

It is not the scared child-identity who needs to be involved in this books and “get them published”: I have done that, in spite of  the fear and the scares.

I am going to rest in this true I today.

And allowing myself to print here the 2 reviews and Kit’s comment to “When fear comes home to Love” on its forum-site for writers.

The little Leelah squirms and sweats now and tells me that this is very very bad to do – showing off like this –

and I smile to her, knowing it is just an old belief she has held on to –

and here are the 2 reviews, which made me cry –

and then Kit’s

“Please please you don’t have to read them” little Leelah cries now, and I tell her “the readers of the blog know this, sweetie, they do it only if they want to – they can choose –

and little Leelah goes blank: choose? what is that?


I am going to explain that to her now –

and here are the reviews then:

This review is from: Healing Crisis: 108 ways to turn crises into possibilities (Paperback)

5.0 out of 5 stars An Amazing Little Book, July 3, 2013

Due to its unusual title, I began this little book not really knowing what to expect. What I found is exactly what the title claims.

108 highly unusual methods, any of which could be practiced at home, with no outside assistance, to aid us in difficult times,and enrich us at other times.
Exercise One is simply called LOVE: “It is not what happens to us that decides your state of being–but how we respond to it, and ourselves. When we truly master this one, we are home.”
This book is packed full of marvelous, beautiful, almost magical wisdom. I highly recommend it

1 of 1 people found the following review helpful (me LOL)

5.0 out of 5 stars PRACTICAL, SPIRITUAL, HONEST, AND DO-ABLE, July 1, 2013
This review is from: Healing Crisis: 108 ways to turn crises into possibilities (Paperback)

I just recommended this book to a client. Unlike any book I’ve seen, it contains a series of practical and do-able -even potentially fun – modes of accessing our Selves with an eye to healing. So often suggestions for self-help exercises seem too complicated or time-demanding to fit into our daily lives. Not so with these, with possibilities including the use of photography, enjoying nature, verbalizing — as in creative journaling — dance — body movement, and more.

As I read these, I knew they would have helped me back in the days of my own therapy when I could hardly avoid moving into myself when I wasn’t busy doing my daily work, and even sometimes as I was working. What’s clear is that each of these 108 Proposals has been helpful to the author herself.

I’m looking forward to hearing stories from my own clients about ways this book has helped.


Kit wrote:

Dear Leelah,

Your book is a most precious gift to me as a reader!

What an adventure into the dark corners of us humans – and the wonderful thing is that by you seeing the needs behind your own and other peoples painful feelings and destructive behaviors – you are actually able to set yourself free – and I as a reader join the ride by melting into a very loving and forgiving place in myself! So I actually get at taste of freedom, too – that is what I call a powerful read!!! I LOVE books that touches me deeply and in a transformative way, like your book does to me. That is actually the kind of books I am searching for – and I find them quite rare!

And another thing – even though your book covers very painful issues of abuse etc – it is sprinkled with so much humor, playfulness and curiosity, that the heaviness evaporates into something light and peaceful, filled with insights and love.

I love the way you use stories from real life – either your own or case studies from your clients – it makes it so convincing. I find it so much more interesting to read about somebody that have been struggling with existential issues in life and found a way to handle them – than books only telling me in a normative way how I “should live my life”.

I actually think that your book is a wonderful answer to the so-called “problem of evil” in the world – through your story you show in a truthful, wise and loving way that there is actually no evil person, just a lot of very destructive behavior, covering up for a persons deepest fears! I love this way of seeing the world 🙂

On my iPhone, I write down quotes which inspire me – and I keep reading them again and again as a way of reminding me of what I value in life. And your book has been a wonderful source for such quotes – here are a few of them:

“All addicts are pieces of God, forgetting Who they are. Look upon them with this knowing, and you look upon you.”

“In our everyday life, we experience that what we avoid doing something with, certainly does something to us, and pursue us – until we stop, turn around and bless it.”

“We are the very arena where the primal forces of life and death meet and dance – and as the Divine sparks we are, we have the freedom to play with it.”

“What determines your experience is where you place your belief.”

“What if we see perpetrators not as being evil – but as being trapped and captured by their own denial and ignorance – which breed evil.”

“When we want to bring the characters in The Sacred Tree of Horrors out of their trappedness and their deadly blind repetition, we play with it and invite it into the clear room of nonjudgemental awareness. In Expressive Arts Therapy, there are myriads of ways to play with this. And what a relief: we don’t have to figure things out with our mind – but letting it reveal itself to s and surprise us!”

“Inner demons are demons because they are hungry for something they are not getting. […] We create them by ignoring and judging our painful feelings.”



Seeing through illusion

Lying in bed just some minutes ago, sensing all the usual blocks and pains, and giving them all to Holy Spirit – and feeling absolutely no relief. Let’s say this is the most common of all of Leelah’s complaints – “This is no good, I am not heard. Therefore this is a PROOF that there is something in my mind resisting God that I have placed there subconsciously. (Of course – that is true.)”And since I feel no relief now, that is a P R O O F that this is stronger than God” Having heard this thought, the mind goes on, in its square logic: “And therefore this is hopeless. I am lost. Ego is stronger that God in me. Nothing I do helps. Oh vey is mir.” (I am not Jewish, but my mind finds those words so very expressive of lament.)

Then the thoughts start coming. They come in a rush, and I find myself noticing after each one: This is a thought from truth and God. The thoughts are loving, sparkling with humor and joy. Their truth is evident. After some minutes of this, I realize: “Hm – these thoughts from God come to me even though there is a part in my mind that is stronger than God – hm that simply does not compute – well then – I simply MUST be wrong that there is something that can block out God in my mind.

And now the relief that I wanted as proof is HERE 🙂

Tears are cascading, but no crying

Just a tremendous joy and relief of seeing through it:

I have not felt a connection to God many times because I believed in this thought:

“This physical pain/ this depression/ this sickness /fill in the blanks/ is proof that my ego is stronger than God. That hostile forces are stronger than God. That “evil” is stronger than God. And since other people can be free and happy, and I am not, there is something wrong with ME, special ME!”

And God – having created us as Himself, has given us this power: that what we believe in and say is true, becomes our reality.

Giving my God-given power to the thought “There is something that is stronger than God” makes it so for me.

Believing in the thought of separation makes this illusionary world.

Oh! The beauty of seeing the power that God has given me! And He has certainly not given it to a Leelah: it belongs to me as Self, The Son of God.

Oh what a chaos it would be if He gave it to humans. And – laughing out loud – the world we think we see is made by our delusional thoughts that we ARE humans- separate – and that it is possible to create outside God.

That insane thought, believed in, has seemingly made this insane world

Thank God it is not real

Thank God it is just a dream

And the joy of realizing: as convincingly terrible and serious and painful the illusion – our world – looks – only our belief in it as “real” upholds this image.

We all as one uphold this image of the world each and every second when we look at “sin, guilt and fear” and believe that what we see can be real and true.

From this moment I can with a full heart mean it when I forgive: all I forgive is illusions that never happened in reality – just in my dream that separation CAN be real


oh beauty


I may forget this too

and then I can take this paper that I wrote this down on and remind myself and giggle

I am going to copy it and put it in lots of pockets and purses

And I don’t mind that I will forget it- that is the very nature of the human

For the first time can I fully appreciate what Barbara has told me a thousand times – Pain is not real. Sickness is not real. ANYTHING that God did not create is not real – so just let it be, don’t take it seriously.

Now that thought is experienced as just a thought –  and seen through.

Oh the beauty and joy of seeing through illusions.

And because I have seen through its unreality, the release I always have searched for and not found, is here now.

















Shadows on the wall

Dream: My brother is torturing an animal lying on the ground. I tell him to stop, he then ties the animal up. I exclaim: “You are evil!” And at once, his face becomes the face of a demon.

When I woke up, I realized that he became “evil” because I projected that on him.That must mean that I think that I need to have evil in me. Why?? “To get my will.” I see that in my ego mind, I somehow think that “evil” helps me have power and control in situations where I  seem to be in danger, under attack.

I released this belief to the Holy Spirit, and fell asleep again. Now I dreamed that I was in the back of a short tunnel together with a bus. The bus reversed toward me,standing with my back to the wall,  I screamed “stop” and woke up.

I remembered the recent “accident” where I broke a rib – an apt symbol of the same process. It is clear to me that as long as I believe I need to be evil to defend myself, the opposite side of the coin – the child being tortured – also will seem to come alive, because my belief in “the need for evil.” Including control and violence, of course.

Right now, it is  clear to me that this world is an illusion – and that I, as One mind, project it from second to second. Evil and separation – at last I found the part of me (that is, the ego- thought-system that I identify with) that “wants” it.

These days, the trial against the terrorist from the July 22nd last year is shown in TV. The essential question that the court must answer  is whether Breivik is psychotic ( or was, when the act was performed – in that case, he can not be found guilty and will be locked up into an institution for  the criminally insane. His defense is built solely on the premise that he is guilty  and sane and responsible and must be punished. That must be the only case in the world where this is the case.)

But of course: the two psychiatric teams that has evaluated him have opposite views! And the process about how often psychiatrists diagnose,  judge and analyze from what they expect to find – yet an example of projection – is being played out in the media, and allows us all to be thoroughly educated about these mechanisms.

Breivik shares a view with Hitler: some people are not humans, but vermin – and one has to “exterminate them to save the country and keep it pure.” In B’s case, the threat he senses is that our very essence – our nationality – is being culturally obliterated by a conspiracy between our Labour Party and “the militant Muslims” who are “taking over” our country.

According to the Course, these are projections of his own fear of having “taken over” God. Now the bad enemy is seen outside – and killing children are justified. They are now “legitimate targets to be eliminated.”

It is the same mechanism,is it not? Like Plato’s cave-dwellers, believing that the flickering shadows on the walls are real and dangerous – while the Light is on the opposite side, available when they change their view 180 degrees.

We are just looking at a projection at the screen/the world: violence is necessary and man is evil. And IF the world was real, it would surely be true.

One moment only has Breivik shown feelings and cried openly: the first day,the prosecutor played a amateur video that Breivik had made for the court. It had all the symbols that he truly loves: Knight Templars. The Maltese cross. He cried because this was a demonstration of what he loved, and it opened his shield of control and completely took him by surprise.

Prospero: (The Tempest, act 4)
Our revels now are ended. These our actors,
As I foretold you, were all spirits, and
Are melted into air, into thin air:
And like the baseless fabric of this vision,
The cloud-capp’d tow’rs, the gorgeous palaces,
The solemn temples, the great globe itself,
Yea, all which it inherit, shall dissolve,
And, like this insubstantial pageant faded,
Leave not a rack behind. We are such stuff
As dreams are made on; and our little life
Is rounded with a sleep.

Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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