Messiah and messiness

There has been much working and transformation in the night lately. The good news for me is that I have passed the place where I think I am a victim of this, and that “I am doing something wrong.” Nope. I am sharing this to check if these may be themes for many of us – working within the “insanity-spectrum.”

I have a friend who had a murderer as grandfather…he was also a very famous writer, enormously creative. This woman and I really hit it together with this spectrum of energies – and it so happens that she might play out something that I need to relate to in a new and forgiving way. So she did, it seemed completely insane. and I used some days to sniff myself into it slowly, and found out that it was my insane filters and judgment of the creation object that felt so horrid. So coming that far, it transformed, but the body feels like crap a lot of the time. And also there is bliss in everyday living – people I meet, people who stop the bus from driving on when I am a little late – smiles everywhere – and the joy of just walking around.

And still, the states of mind where i feel completely crap – frequently – but they are seen through so much easier.

So I had a dream where I dreamed about a former client messing up a room for therapy – and me being extremely irritated – and in another part of the dream, another woman, who happened to be my daughter, demonstrated a model she had made for a musical expression – it was beyond beautiful and light.

What is new is the insight coming when i wake up – realizing that the mess-part is allowed to exists “down here”. and that it is necessary “down here” to show me what I do not want, but with no judgment. My friend pointed out to me that the mess-ness points to Messiah for her – Who turns away from rigidity, seeing it as a possibility for transformation – and we were in awe when we again realized the miracle of interested curiosity and playfulness.

Exploration does not have rigidity as its polarity – since rigidity can be playfully explored in all its levels of fear and resistance. For me, it looks like a polarity may simply be death.

Liberation

I am doing a 30-days forgiveness practice from Way of Mastery, and last night I saw a black iron pole through the chest. Just as if I had been inside a Dracula’s body:) The release was s w e e t

Then next level of it came up – and it turned out that I was forgiving stuff in the root chakra. And then Blue reminded me of the image I painted 1998:(see photo of the tree below.)

The Bird in the crown-part is the archetype of the “savior” who needs” to “save” others to achieve value. I have found Bird in all my patients, and much of my forgiveness-work now are finding part of her in my bodymind and forgiving all my judgements of her – oh my! – and instead honoring her for her intense wish to be of service.

This image later became the cover of my book – which is about the exploration of the figures/archetypes in the Tree.

This morning I was nudged to look through the photos of the Image again – and since this healing of the root came up for me now, in our chapter 6-exploration,I want to share the very process of receiving the Image and the energy, that lead up to my work. It feels like this is the time for a new LIGHT into it – and into the root chakra we all share.

Here it is:

“During my education in Expressive Arts Therapy in Switzerland, our class gathered in Gwatt by Thunersee a couple of weeks in May to explore our birth families through painting, sculpting and storytelling, under the magic leadership of Mariagnese Cattaneo. Each of us was to visualize our family as a tree, and then paint the tree (see the Image / the cover). Afterward we made a story from the painting and shared it with a partner. The day after, we expanded the work further – making rapid sculptures of our family members from all kind of materials. I choose clay and painted tissue-paper.

As I closed my eyes during the visualization of my family tree, a tremendous energy soared through me. A door to a blocked and hidden room inside me opened – now the freed energy rushed forth to greet me. “Pay attention! This is important!” was the clear message within the experience. A melting sense of gratitude and release opened my heart and soul – something within whispered “at last” and relaxed deeply.

The image of The Tree presented itself with great force and detail. I painted as if in a trance, with lightning speed, serving the Image as well as I could – not censoring any of the strange mythical figures. The Image commanded faithfulness from me, and my feeling of curiosity and wonder grew as I allowed it to come through me.

After having written down the story coming from The Image, and having shared it with my classmate Aaron, The Image and Story would not let me rest. I decided to create a healing ritual from The Story. I did this with Aaron as co-player and witness. The insights were startling.

I sensed I was being shown something that must not be interfered with intellectually, not analyzed or controlled in any way. Once again, Aaron and I took my sculpted family out into the friendly Swiss wood, just outside our painting studio, to unravel them and explore their mystery and gifts of healing. The ritual exploration was done within a circular sacred space we created, and showed us with uncanny clarity the split within my family’s psyche. One the one side, there was blind need and terror, caused by trance-like sexual abuse. It was accompanied by the denial of the acts and all the pain they caused, which created the adapting, conforming survivors. The family had successfully dissociated from this. And then we all had dissociated from our Self and the light within – our true I Am. This was the beginning of the process that connected me to my forgotten personal story or myth – which later turned out to be a blueprint of the collective Myth, described in “The Jekyll and Hyde-family.”***

***A chapter in the book

Meeting

This is the kind of therapy I love to take part in: I love to be present and demonstrate who I am. The I here pointing to Self:) The depth – the honesty – the joy of exploration and inquiry – not to fix or have results, but for the sheer  joy of sharing that space. And it is through this honest presence that I acquire the very essential trust from my patients, which makes healing possible – and often miraculously so. I am not somebody who knows what they have to do to free themselves  – my sheer presence to what they are bringing in to the session is transformational, in the simple way that it draws out of the “patient” her/his own knowing. And this is my deepest wish: to allow the patients to find this ever-present kind and loving Place in their own heart – and help them receive their Self.

I am here in this world to meet you- not fix you.

What I love most is the quality of that Space which opens and embraces us both: all that we need is available NOW.

All kind of false believes are seen and dropped into that Space. Smiled at and seen dissolved.

Being with

Woke up from a recurrent dream of having to control my daughter, or else – catastrophe. I explored it with Kit in our Skype session today – and very fast we recognized – again – that all that is required for healing – and peace – is just sitting with the sensations in the body. The ego goes frantic, tells me I have to figure out and understand –  but the impulse from inside is. just be with it.

As I share the dream with Kit, i sense the familiar sense of urge,frenzy, “don’t interrupt me i have to speak now or else” – and suddenly I am not willing to have it drive me any longer. I stop and breathe and allow myself to receive Kit’s loving small remarks – and it feels as if I have broken an ago-old pattern of trusting the collective demand: only if you understand something can healing happen. Only by “figuring out”  – that is, using the intellect …

Now i just rest in the awareness of what goes on in the body while this pressure-slavedriver is running the body mind: calmly observing pains and aches all over. Anti-achievment.  Most humans I know think we have to “dull” reality, or we get lost in chaos and pain

It is so very clear that “having to understand” really means “control.”And of course we can’t control life – but this impossible demand that we should be able to, creates nightmares like i have, where i project what I think needs to be controlled on my daughter.

There is this collective delusion: I have to do something – add something to a conversation, a relationship – there is a deadly fear beneath it: a fear of life as it is – a dulling of it – to put something on top of reality is to dull it, cover it up, making it manageable in our mind

The ego wants to achieve something – add something to what is

What happens now – in the body? is what I want to be with. And as my 20 minutes goes to an end, I know that an old pattern of control has been seen through and found useless.

“And you had that insight just by sitting with it” said Kit.

Trust – to life – without adding any thing. Projections gone – at least for now:)

*

Later in the session, a pattern of searching out guilt becomes evident. And the old judgment of doing that – such an un-spiritual thing to do, Leelah! – melts when it becomes evident that children are taught to do that to feel safe with angry parents/others: an “I am sorry, my fault” defuses the anger from the possible attacker.

Getting stuck in the pattern comes with a huge cost, though – and we do get stuck if we haven’t felt and allowed the huge fear beneath it: to be annihilated.

*

As always: nice synchronicity and timing: I got this from Gangaji right now:

In recognizing yourself as life itself, you are put rightside up. You freshly live your life, rather than thinking it and then trying to live according to those thoughts. You directly experience your life, and insights naturally follow that experience. The thinking mind becomes the servant—rather than the master—to the direct experience of life.

A fulfilled life is a life of discovery and exploration. It may be touched with excitement or fear or desire, but at the core it is filled with peace, and delight.

We meet in wonder of this mystery that we have named “Life.”

It’s a free life… it’s your life.

 

Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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