Solitaire resolved

 I just now experienced something sweet. I was playing patience on the PC for umpteenth time, and for the first time became aware of a child part that was afraid. I asked that part that was obsessive with the Solitaire what she was really afraid of. Then I knew: she was terrified of father coming to her in the night and becoming a demon. I told her that COULD not happen again, since I was here now with her. She was very surprised, but we talked for a while and then she could notice me. I told her he COULD not come close anymore since my presence prevented him – I would shine him away.
 
Then she came close to me and the crying broke loose. She cried while I invited her up on my lap while I ended the patience /Solitaire (-which of course now was “resolved.”)
 
This is very sweet to me – since the last month has been filled with overeating, biting nails and more sleeplessness than ever, and all the time the old” false identity” has been here – and only NOW do I realize that this was not just a pattern I should deny and choose something else ( God knows I have tried it umpteen times) . No, I was asked to choose to truly embrace HER – that part of my soul that obviously has been split into many soul parts. I have had shamans – excellent ones – fetch soul parts through the last 40 years – and this seems like the main one, which still was frozen in that moment when he came the first time and transformed into demon.
 
Ah. It is SHE who has had all that freeze inside her at night – not “me”
false identity
It feels true and beautiful to write this.
 
A very good friend recently gifted me with a strange virtual playroom where I can do a lot of things – playing Chinese intricate games AND Patience. I thought I was addicted – and it was she who was addicted. She simply would not go to sleep.

Disentanglement

I was this evening helped to see through that old role and identity of taking on others’ energy to “help” them – truly realizing that as long as I help from pity, we’re both screwed.

When I first truly honor my Self – my power, my God-given connection and identity, I can choose and intend to honor  the same intrinsic light in them, and honor their journey.

From here, I may or may not choose to send them love where they believe themselves to be – the victim of physical suffering/disease.

I found myself in such an entanglement with neighbors some days ago, and my energy system was filled with their identity with sickness and old age and victimhood. After Mary A Hall helped me see this, all their energy disappeared from me, I feel cleansed and healed and blessed. And the crazy energy of the false sufferer is GONE and PEACE is here

Oh the wonder of honoring the Truth

 

Tangled timber and emotions

Yesterday I described how I made a new choice  – to let go of the belief that I can be harmed by electronic energies. I allowed the installation of a new smart-card-reader–el.power meter, which has been believed to be  harmful.

Before the new meter came, I had a shield taped to the old one – the kind that is imbued with energy to deflect harmful radiation of any kind – PCs, cell phones etc.

After the installation guy had left, that shield lay on the floor.

It was NOT attached to the box he worked on, but the door to the cupboard where it was placed.

The old identity felt fear, and I wondered, hm, is this really necessary – when there are no harmful rays here – hm am i just trying to maintain the old pattern?

So I decided to try it out: i removed the old tape ( that had held it glued to the door for 20 years) and glued on a fresh one.)

Today it lay on the floor.

I felt such a sweet laughing inside

And I decided that its time to CLAIM my freedom and awakening: I AM awake -and to lose the connection can only happen when I give something inside priority instead.

Yesterday I had a wonderful time in town with my daughter – finding a new food shop with fresh ecological food and a great movie.

The second I sat down,  strong cramps in the solar plexus started and I heard: “Pay attention to the imagery and symbols in the movie.” I remember last time i had these cramps – they lasted three days, and what healed them was an old shaman friend who removed a psychic “sword” in that section.

This time I knew this happened  for me, not against me, so i breathed through the pain while watching the movie.

In the movie, there was log driving / timber floating – and there were images where huge timber tangles has to be worked loose.

I saw the symbol of this huge timber tangle as an image of how our false beliefs are held in the water/our hara-center and affects the free flow of emotions/water.

Then the main person – a young boy – leaps in the water and swims under it and somehow finds the way to untangle it. The moment when it fell apart and harmoniously flowed down the river was felt throughout my whole being and body.

I saw how one false belief – “I am not worthy enough” created hundreds of others that clings to it as a cluster:

“There is something wrong with me” – I am alone – I must be valued by others etc.”

Now I am even more determined to undo the tangle I have called me and mine

 

Surrender

Last night I prayed,”please give me a dream where I meet the part of me that I most need to love and forgive. “
I did: it was a short clear image of a small / dwarf-like male figure – pitch black,glossy, like tar with varnish.
I can’t really tell you how beautiful it felt to be with this part. ” I bless you, I wish you well, I wish you your highest freedom” – these words from Adyashanti has resonated in me since i watched the meme on Facebook.
There was an instant relief – this part, or maybe  male symbol of everything not-loving in the mind  – received it. We were with each other for a long time
*
My whole life I have been drawn to war-movies and concentration camps and what went on there. As a therapist I have had patients with parents from these camps, and have witnessed ( the word-correcting thingy wrote: “wintered” :)) how they carry their parents’ UNacknowledged pain and identify with it
In my book “When Fear Comes Home to Love” ( see right menu) I have a chapter of this occurrence – how a part of us derives “worth” from playing “the savior,”  subconsciously takes on parents’/violators’ energy and then believes that this energy is “theirs.” Identifying with it.
I know myself how many years I have needed to separate those energies from what I call me.
Yesterday I saw the movie “Unbroken” directed by Angelina Jolie –  a 15 minutes interview with Louis Zamperini, link to video below,  prisoner in Japanese war camps, subjected to unspeakable torture with following years of nightmares and booze.
What turned him around was Billy Graham. Louis surrendered – gave his life to Christ – and what is so unspeakably beautiful is to look at this face as he describes how he KNEW that all the thoughts and images were GONE from his mind.
Just as we heard from Israel‘s webcast  in Way of Mastery- Choose to Love first – choose to want God FIRST NOW.
I love when I see that forgiveness is nothing you do – just a choice for a change in perception.
What am I waiting for? really?

Open Letter to a Friend with OCD

dear Victoria

this is about the place where you seem to be, where you think you are. I am working with the same issue – the willingness to realize fully that I am as God created me – that I am not my chronic lung problems, I am not a victim of it, i am not a victim of a past that my soul/Self chose from a high level to have me live through. I know i chose it to truly KNOW that I am not my experiences – I am the eternal witness/awareness of it.

This morning it became crystal clear that as long as I insist of BEING the person who has gone through all those horrors, I am denying the power God has given me. The person-me is constructed from a zillion of beliefs based on what others has told me – what media tells me – and my own conclusions of the traumatic situations I went through.. I judged them and myself and made  fear-based conclusions about what they meant about “me:” I was stupid, wrong etc.  So I  put pressure on myself to deny and repress that “stupid me” and adapt to the demands from “the others” to be accepted – and this persona, a bunch of beliefs and habits and fear based patterns, we believe to be Who we are.

I know better, and I know you do to.

Still, we hang on to them, precisely because we think we ARE that.

I have held on to the abused- tortured-traumatized-me to avoid stepping truly into my power, which is my true connection  to God acting through me. I have noticed that when I decide to do something challenging to the old pattern, fear/ lung problems act up like crazy, to “protect” me from leaving that old pattern  since this self is terrified of dying.

Still:

sometimes I have insisted of doing these things that has horrified me.The defenses – that I HAVE PROGRAMMED FROM FEAR AND IMMATURITY  – have painted all kind of catastrophes on the wall. When I have believed in those images and threats, believed them to be REAL, I have felt very bad, and then I have taken that as a sign from God that I should NOT do this.

Still, there has been this kind still Voice that has said ” You know sweetie, what if you take a chance and go there all the same. If you hurt when you get there, just return.”

So – when I have done this, the result has been fantastic: I have been with others in a new and empowered way.  have found myself speaking from my Power/my connection to Source. I have felt strong! Joyful!

The last this  I did was this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HE89f600ETA

This is one of doctor Carsten Höller’s creations at the Henie Onstad Museum.“The Slide produces a sense of loss of control and an opportunity”, as he says himself, “to experience an emotional state that is a unique condition somewhere between delight and madness.”

It took some time before I picked up my courage, as I was terribly afraid – but I did it!  and he is quite right – “state between pleasure and madness” is right. When I reached the other end, my brain convinced me that I had twisted around at least three – four times – but it was just one long turn.

And I had lost about 40 pounds, it felt like – and when I walked to the bus over a big green field with slopes, there were swallows around me. They flew 30 cm about the ground and circled me and figure-8’ed me, and I shivered and cried because they played with me – and I have not seen swallows the last 10 years and have missed them like crazy.

I knew this happened because I had left the old “safe” and anxious persona, trusting God would let me fall through it and receive me safely down at the end of it.

He did – through  a very smiling loving guide who received me.

Beloved sister: I know that my most painful experiences actually have created the greater gifts that I could not have offered now to the world. The maneuvering through all of it has made me who I am today, being able to predominantly have a loving connection to the energies in those moments of trauma. But that is only true when I am willing to have that old fear-persona-identity dissolved. Again and again recognizing that fear is not what I want, being willing to be wrong about who I am as a persona.

My The cancer and the horrible radiation-experience was turned around the moment I decided to give it all over to the Divine: “Archangel Michael, I call you forth! I want your energy to flow through this radiation-machine. I want my cells only to receive what is healing and loving.”

There was a clear light and an instant knowing that I had been heard.
And  contrary to medical science, the pain and symptoms after the radiation ended, did NOT continue the expected 14 days after the end. Meaning: so-called grave illnesses may disappear if we truly are willing to let go of your limited view of ourself.

What if God does not create illnesses – what if we do, as a way to control ourselves – and also to explore what beliefs create  pain  and illness and what dissolves them.

What if you are not under the shadow of the OCD, unless you choose to be. And I am speaking about the parts of you that still want to hang only the old identity. What if it is possible to say, “I will act as if there is no OCD that can control me, since I choose God to control me.”

That is a good question since  it makes us reflect on what we truly believe about God.

(And S/He certainly does not push us to understand NOW :))

I clearly see how I have identified with being powerless and under “others” shadow, and being safe only if I use control and my horrible traumas to stay “safe.” These were formed when I WAS under others’ shadow – no wonder I bought into that belief system. It has only taken me 72 years to get here – that is not much, considering the zillion of life-experiences we all have. Please do not read any judgment about that: we do what we do until we feel safe enough to do better.

What if you and I were willing to drop these beliefs and habits as our “protectors” and allow Holy Spirit to take over. What if it were perfectly OK to drop into old patterns again – and what if it was OK to not do it too

I know from long experience that I do not need to know with my brain what to “do” – all I need, is to let go of the belief that I am doing my life on my own.My little willingness to be wrong is all that is needed.

What if we are truly here to share our gifts – and what if our gifts are easy to find, since we LOVE them and love playing with them – in my case, images, storytelling, drama and poems.

So right now I invite you – and myself – to sink into this: what is the deepest feeling underlying my  the lung-condition ( your the OCD?) …is there any movement in energy around it? Is it available for unconditional LOVE? Do I ALLOW LOVE to come into this, once and for all? Am I willing to not know what it is about?

– – –

For me, it was a field of utter loneliness, like “outcast.” Staying with that pure feeling as energy was pure bliss, as long as the judgments about it fall.

Then I heard the question- “And is this the Truth about who you are?”

And then Love poured in “ I AM BIGGER THAN THAT FEAR, THOSE SENSATIONS.” I am that eternal awareness that surrounds it all – loves it and transforms it – and you and I need do NOTHING for it to happen – except state that little willingness to admit that our way has not brought peace and happiness.

Your gift is very clear, my friend: you are called to put the sacred into images as photos, so that we can recognize it and feel the hope in that. Your love for horses is just as strong as the horses’ love for you. It takes an exquisite sensitivity to be in that state of communication with Nature. All of this will create a beautiful momentum when you  decide you are ready to be willing to disrespect the OCD as TRUTH, and instead just sit with the energy of it. The stories and inner screams will be loud and insistent, but now you know they come from the OCD itself – they do not come from YOU and can simply be ignored.

What if only our belief in these limitations upholds all these old patterns

What if pampering them makes them stick

What if freedom quietly surrounds all of it and just waits on our welcome – just as Love.

And here is a caveat: Not pampering them comes NOT from pushing the symptoms down, judging them, repressing them -: it comes from freely saying yes to BE with them.

And that is a choice.

Blessing them and embracing them is a choice too

And what if doing a bit of slacking with chocolate/whatever now and then is better than beating ourselves up for not “doing spirituality right.”

I thank you for your post on Facebook, for bringing your situation up to the surface for us all, acknowledging our deep need for transformation…

Much love!

Leelah

 

 

 

 

Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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