Just finished half an hour sharing/Sedona-session with Cary.
I had just received an email telling me that a delivery of Baking Soda was – for the 3rd time by this firm – delivered to a wrong address. They told me to pick it up by the other address, or else I would have to pay big fines – and they did not send me ONE mail about this: they sent 5!
So I got the message: please look at this. What is it that you hold on to?
I found a fear of having to pay for other peoples’ “faults” – i.e. rapes, abuse, lies, demands, insanity as a child. They told me I deserved it, I believed them.
I believed them -I had held on to the belief that all this was real, and defined me. Yes, the acts happened – but all the stories ABOUT why they happened and what they said was NOT real – and my identity as “the one who all this happened TO” was not my true identity.
As that fear came bubbling up, I saw that it is my belief that I have to pay – my belief in “my” sinfulness and guilt attracted these violators.And it is that belief that still manifested “outside” of me: I projected it on this firm.
But now Cary asked if I could enjoy what I felt? and I could! It’s just feelings! It’s just anger! Could I allow myself to enjoy the anger? Sure! And how!
Enjoy is such a simple word. Enjoying anger allows me to see that it is my perception that is warped and absurd -and that is the very definition of the ego.
Now we started to laugh so hard we cry. Oh, the absurdity of it all: “Life is serious, my daughter.”
It lasts for quite a beautiful non-existent time.
And it reminds me about a recent beautiful encounter I had in town with a man I thought was begging.
He looked like he had slept outside for a long time. He had a crutch.He had a paper cup at his side- and I dropped some coins in it – but it was not empty, it had coffee inside. I exclaimed “oh NO!” and he took my hand in both his, kissed it and smiled at me. It felt like Jesus had taken on a REALLY convincing costume.
I felt high for hours after that meeting.
