Catastrophe Child

 These days  I am working my way – with great help of the Universe – all the way down/in to the center of disaster.. It is very explosive in there.

As I use what happens around me to discover what inside me needs to be seen and loved, the last thing was that  I needed a new Water Heater. The old one leaked – it urgently needed a new safety valve. The Water Heater inside – mirroring  The Fire- and Water-element in me – needed to be balanced. As my Plummer told me: it was EXPLOSIVE.

I was watching and sensing into this explosiveness inside, telling it that help was  coming.

Then – after having paid  the equivalent of 700 USD for  the new Water Heater, it LEAKED because of inner pressure-! That’s when I aha’ed – it all was helping me to see this inner pressured explosive part.

I told “the inner pressure” I was on to it. But in fact, I did not know HOW to find this part, since it had hidden itself so effectively.

So –  the Plummer fixed the leak – which demanded two  more very expensive parts = 1200 USD

I felt extremely frightened about a knob that regulated the heat – since I thought that I could make the whole big thing explode. My Plummer mailed me and explained, I did not understand a word, but was willing to hang in there and ask until I understood.

I went into my healing room – there was a BIG spider crawling out on the floor from behind the couch, just where my patients in expressive Arts Therapy / healing/ use to sit. The place of the patient – pointing to the “sick and catastrophic” inner part of me.

Spiders are a big symbol for fear –

As soon as it understood that I had discovered it, it ran back under the coach – but I had a glass in  my hand, firmly deciding on catching it under the glass, and then sliding a bit of  cardboard under it.

Unfortunately I happened to break some legs of it before I caught it – meaning to me, that I CAN dissolve the fear inside me – limiting it from running wild

I told the spider I was so sorry for its pain, and ran outside and threw it on the stone slabs, stomping on it.

And feeling very excited about  having found this hidden catastrophe energy inside my body – solar plexus, head and other places too – I now can do my favorite meditation: inviting Love to breathe through me, and surrendering the fear to IT – all I have to do, is breathe and surrender.

But I need to actually DO it 🙂




As some of my readers will know, I live from the  belief that my outer physical world and body mirror what goes on in my mind. So when I dream of a loose molar, I see it a cornerstone of the belief system ( teeth are symbols of beliefs in my world.) In this case, I had asked my mind to show me what the intense pain and tensions in the neck was about.

I talked to the neck – and it turned into a vile and vicious voice that called me a damned hussy who it would love to see tortured – since I did not follow its advises to live after the old belief system of fear any longer. Since I knew it has only one purpose – to keep me “safe” – I listened deeply and thanked it for its hard work – and I started to bless it. I allowed LOVE into my breathing, and gradually a soft melting happened in the neck. Now that I was focused on the pain as something IN me and nothing that I WAS , I could separate the pain as just energy, and breathe  love into it.This may be a process with many layers – but, miracles happen frequently in my life, so -😊

In my book “When Fear Comes Home to Love” ( see right menu) I have collected lots of  synchronicities that show me when I am aligned to Source. Like this one:

I was on my way to the Hospital for some tests, and told myself, “ I love myself just as I am right now.” The first person who served me had  a white Tee-shirt with this text on: “ I love myself just as I am.”

Photo by Luke Leung on Unsplash

Saying NO – and the Covid 19

My friend Leni Dubel ( you find her at Facebook ) had a near-death experience when she was younger, and in that numinous space she was contacted by guides and helpers who shared methods for dealing with our shadow in any way – including illness/corona

With her permission, I want to share her method here:

I have seen incredible changes in my own life by welcoming and loving each issue that happens. Surrender is also extremely powerful when it comes to being in control of the issues and no longer attracting them. Remember, your soul has its own agenda. Your reaction to these issues fuels your soul’s learning experience. When you are no longer reacting negatively to the issues, the learning stops for your soul and it does not need to continue with that particular issue anymore.

To welcome and love the issue without defending against it you: 1. Pretend that you are holding a sword and shield and then set them down.2. Welcome the issue as if it were a person, into your home or imagined sacred meeting space. 3. Take a second to love and then thank the issue. To surrender the issue you simply pretend that the issue is a present and give it to your Guides, the Universe or whomever you pray to. And then surrender all of the worry to it as well. You are not allowed to think about it after this. You can do this as often as you’d like. It will probably take some practice. And with the thoughts that you have about anything negative you simply want to tell those thoughts “no” each time that they surface. This will help to release them from their catacombs so that they no longer have manifesting power over your life.


I (Leelah) have recently been overwhelmed with negative self talk with strong energy. I now started to say NO! when the thoughts popped up, and it was some of the most effective strategy I ever have experienced. It stopped immediately – and then it seeped back. In A Course in Miracles, the main thing Jeshua/Jesus teaches us is that we/ some part of us/ CHOOSE everything that happens to us – and this NO is choosing again! And there is a big difference between saying NO from judgment – and just saying NO as a decision to not accept hateful thoughts into my mind any longer – I will not rent space to them in my mind, as Jeshua says in Way of the Heart.

I used Leni’s method to invite the energy of the Corona in, in the very first beginning of the year 2020. She appeared to me like a queen. I saw that she came to create great and necessary changes in the human collective mind. I started a group at Facebook where I invited people to visualize the virus in its rather beautiful rose-ish image – and allow it to transform into something that would allow us to see its true beauty behind/within the physical form. It is my experience that when we transform an image of something, we also transform the energy of that image.I invited us to see it with Christ’s vision.

I have also had friends who have got the Covid-19 – and who used their spiritual practice to intend to see it WITHOUT fear. The minute they truly SAW that it was the fear about it, that was harmful, they healed within hours.

I’ll repeat that: I have learned to recognize that it is not the virus itself that is hurtful – it is our thoughts and fears about it – our unconscious beliefs that we are being punished for our guilt etc.

Please hear that I am sharing my beliefs about it, and the experiences I have had because of the teachings and what I have experienced with students/clients the last 32 years and myself.

Here are some of the answers I got from the Facebook group experiment:

The little but then large blue barbed balls of chaos outside of us flying at us attacking us, entering the body spinning like wild then slowing down met by pink golden light balls surrounding the virus calming the virus overtaking the virus calm loving peaceful forgiving. Transforming the blue spiked balls into pink golden light and love. Changing the spirit of mankind into compassion and trust and truth. The virus no longer exists for eternity. 🌻


I saw a beautiful rose unfolding, transforming into paper fireworks in many colours, and abundance gently raining down on the whole world. I felt oneness and connection. And I saw white figures all connected to both the earth and the sky, all being lifted up, some just a bit above the ground, and a few all the way up to heaven. I felt deep peace and grounding.

I feel calm and relaxed, more than I have felt in a long time. It is as though the virus has released the heavy tension I have had in my body for many years. In spite of the serious situation, I can see the future «as bright that I have to wear shades»


This morning I saw – without even intending to – the red dots on the virus as small children holding sacred fires in their hands, the fires lay in bowls of gold. The babies were then sitting in a circle that surrounded the image. I heard the babies’ happy voices, and I still get shivers when i describe the holiness of it all. The yellow dots were all fuzzy baby birds – chicken, ducks, I don’t know – the gray was silk, and it emanated tenderness and protection. The white was snow lanterns – very soon we will see them as light filled.

I invite you to LISTEN to the sounds emanating from this image – they feel like blessings


Please know that I in no way am interested in pushing my beliefs and Faith on my readers. I want to share what is true for me, and what is seen as true in my spiritual teachings.

And feel free to comment, as always 🙂

The Monster fear

In a dream, a huge monstrous male figure approaches me. He is about 30 meters away – and the energy in the top of the thighs backside is tremendously painful and dark.

Still, I know in my heart that this is not cause for hiding in any way  – it is the collective human fear of LOVE – of melting into LOVE and losing our cherished “me-part” – or maybe clearer, becoming aware that the I-part is NOT our true identity.

I see this monster as our collective denied LOVE-part- and look at the monstrous form it takes. But what I am called to, is to find gratitude for its arrival – and for my insight that this is a true gift: here is my/ our/ deeply denied Holy Self – and it is inside this scary form.

I woke up, decided to accept and explore this shadow, and fell asleep again. This time I walked up a trafficked street in town, when a young and smiling man put his arm around me and pulled me to the side. He said: “I am just moving you away from that man there who wants to hurt you.”

My decision to not resist that huge shadow brought in loving assistance and care.


This quote is from Rilke, on of my favorite poets. It holds the essence of all my work as teacher, student,healer and therapist


The more symptoms I have got the last weeks – and the more I have focused on the symptoms and worried and moaned and tried to think what to  DO – the more frequent the symptoms have become, the more vicious and serious-looking. Law of energy:whatever I give my focus to, grows.

Last day I was in town. When I left the bus,  a feeling of being in mortal danger was thrown on me – my whole lung area ached in a way that made me believe I was having an heart attack. I was passing through a crowd of people, when a young and beautiful man looked at me and smiled: ” I am a monk and a yoga teacher. ” I did not hear the rest, since I had left my hearing aids at home – I just smiled behind the darn mask ( he wore none) and continued to walk – suddenly noticing that the chest was perfectly OK.

His Presence and radiance had reminded me Who I am am / Who we are

This night when new symptoms were coming up I went to the Course who told me not to focus on symptoms on illness – and instead rest in my Self -remembering my true identity. So I did – and in 20 minutes or so deep pains, itchings and symptoms melted away. I could clearly feel the shift in thinking and frequency, and knew: “I will let let God / Self/ take care of this.”

From this level of consciousness I started to bless and honor all beauty in my life, and a supreme peace of mind spread. I found it did not mattered if I lived or died, as long as I embraced this Self – since here was Peace.

And it had taken all these illnesses lately to bring me here.

lonely girl in the Heart

30 years ago, when writing “When Fear Comes Home to Love”, I painted this image as an expression of a state of mind of the inner child, lost in confusion and states of deep loneliness and isolation ( ICEolation) and wrote this text to it:

In the middle of the Heart

there is a fog of woe and wonder –

so little known to itself,

so dreamingly absorbed in the

layers of illusion.

But look:

it’s floating in the Sun of the heart!

I am so lonely so lonely

and I do not know of my fears –

I sense them only when I am held

but very carefully, or I’ll burst into a million little pieces

someone has stolen my words

and my hopes

but my story is still here

under the layers of centuries.

I have a right to tell the story,

but who are the listeners?

A great light and soft love surrounds me when I finished writing the above, and a Voice speaks:

Child, listen – I am your mother, Aurora – Queen of the Heart

And I know that She has listened to it all


I doubted that Aurora was real, and prayed: Blue, please, give me a sign – let me see this name within three days.

Next day I read in the column for TV/radio: “Arcadian radio and The Arcadian Explorer’s editorial Staff continue their trip down Mississippi on the riverboat Queen Aurora.”

The Central Lie – and the Troll Chair

The Central lie in the thought system of separation is that we are victims of fate – and that God wants to punish us for our sins.

The shining Truth in all Mystery teachings is that what you are looking for, is What is looking – the Kingdom is within. What I believe in becomes true for me – and I, as most humans,have chosen to believe in fear and limitation – and that I am powerless and need to behave and be good, or else.

I have realized that what I believe in, becomes true for me – and my personal litany has been ” nothing helps, there must be something wrong with me.” So when I have started to feel good and worthy and loved by God, this unexamined belief has catapulted me back into agony. For 40 years. Until I discovered this night that it only has the power I – and most of humanity – have given it.

My Buddhist therapist once said that lies need us to believe in them – that is the only thing that keeps them alive.

And when it is a collective lie, they become invisible.

And what becomes invisible, controls me. And what I cannot accept and forgive within myself, comes to me from the Universe as attack and illness and trouble – because I believe I am a victim of it. And I have learned that when I change my beliefs, my universe changes too.

I felt this night the power of the belief “nothing helps. It will never change.” And I saw that I had given it all the power it has over me. I was trying to remember a declaration I made a week ago – I declare my trust and faith in the infinite power of divine light and love – and my mind and brain just froze up. I heard the sentence ” This is MUCH more powerful than me “- and realized that it was my BELIEF in this thought that made it powerful. When I declared that I choose LOVE instead of this belief, I immediately remembered my declaration.

I am acutely aware that this is a collective belief – that it may take some time to exchange it for Love – but love I will.


Now – today I am showing you my Troll chair. It does indeed come from that common belief that denies Love. And that’s why it felt so freeing to make it visible.

Trolls are beings without heart – and they are not the smartest, even if though they may have two heads. When I got the idea to explore darkness as a chair, there were certain images that came – ice, sharp glass, thorns, black asphalt, splintered mirrors.

Back of chair

At first, it was naked, no green nature veils.Twice I somehow got too close to the mirror chards and my skull was cut badly. Lots of blood -“respect your work!”

Then some day I started to SEE green leaves sprouting from the legs

some of the thorns and leaves

Now the trust came – my job is to make visible the process of “darkness waking up and casting away its slough.

A huge release happened, and my heart opened wide for that dark part in us all that has lost all hope for light. My chair, though, has dared to allow Nature to melt into it – and the biggest change energetically came when I found the raw wool,stretched it thin and  adorned the chair with it.

I was doing this outside, on my terrace, and I still remember the hush in the air when The Holy entered the Chair.

The New Green

This was when I knew that some of the Queen bees had work to do on this chair. And that FUR had to be added

and OH the pleasure of adding the PEARL

There are now four Queens working and playing with it – three in the chair top and one crawling up one leg.


I would love to  hear from my dear readers: what beliefs have been most instrumental in keeping you small and limited? I know that for each of these beliefs that are let out in the free – openly showed here,  the Universe will join us in allowing them to be released


Quan Yin – the Goddess of compassion

Borrowing this from Matt Licata:

Some will tell you that fear is the opposite of love. And in this teaching the war begins. But love has no opposite. It is whole and without division. It is the field in which all form comes and goes, including the temporary, wavelike appearance of fear. It is the vast, creative space in which all experience arises, plays for a short while, and then dissolves. Just like passing clouds could never taint the purity of the sky, the temporary dance of fear could never stain the majesty of what you are.While it may appear otherwise, love has no bias for the appearance of courage over fear, multiplicity over oneness, or clarity over confusion. Each is an expression of love, an emanation of the body of the beloved as it makes its way into the world of time and space through the vessel that is our consciousness. Everything is path, including the raw, immediate, somatic experience of fear, if it is not abandoned, rejected, and made into an enemy via spiritual theory. It is by way of relationship, turning toward the visitor that the images hidden within it can be liberated. Not a drowning in the energy, nor a fusing with it, but surrounding it with curiosity, warmth, and care. Fear is a temporary visitor in the nervous system, longing to be known, integrated, and metabolized in the spacious wholeness that you are. It is not an enemy to enter into imaginary spiritual battles with. Call off the war and set aside the pain of a spirituality of aggression. By pathologizing fear—concluding that its mere presence is evidence that something has gone wrong and that you have failed—you attack your vulnerability and keep alive the pathways of self-abandonment. Love is not opposed to fear, but wishes to embrace it, hold it near, and provide sanctuary for its essence to unfold. Love would never turn from any of its children, including the temporary, wavelike child of fear. When fully met and safe passage is provided, fear is able to reveal itself, like all other form, as none other than love in disguise. Fear is not the opposite of love, for love has no opposite.


I have recently had some “visitations” fro, spirits/entities – and thank God Carrie Triffet taught me how to deal with them with Love. In fact, the whole ordeal has taught me how to speak my VOICE again, and declare my faith and trust in the Infinite Power of Divine Light and love

Through the Ice

My friend and dyad partner Kit and I have done this kind of sharing each fortnight for well over 15 years I think. And this day there was  BIG SHIFT in Kit’s energy – and thank God I allowed it to affect me strongly.

Last time we talked, she mentioned a clash in her family – and I immediately went into my usual way of reacting: this is a catastrophe – and here is how she can fix it. And by the way, I KNOW I am right here.

So when we connected today, I had all the answers and advises ready for her – except that she did not ask for any. So instead I listened to her say, “I will HAVE my life!” If she felt something “bad” happening, she had decided to just BE with it – not fix it in any way. I could hear the phenomenal strength and truth in her soul, but it took quite a while for my old psychology/ therapist-trained mind to listen.

It gradually dawned on me how firmly I was anchored in the catastrophe-mode -and that I responded to what happened FROM that state of mind my life had trained me to do. “X/ the father / must have help to see what he has done WRONG, or a  child will be critically ill.”

These thoughts, I now recognized, came from literally being DRIVEN by my own catastrophe-child- and SEEING that, clearly removed a veil in front of my eyes. I have given her tremendous attention and power -and I noticed that this was not helpful at all – in fact, it strengthened her helplessness.

Kit described how her son had tried to manipulate her, and how angry he got when it did not make a change – and she just shared with him what she saw happening without no blame at all.

And all the way through her sharing, I “saw” my INNER child-in-the hole-in-the-ice looking up, astonished at the change in energy between us- but not afraid at all – relieved. I saw that I had allowed myself to be “manipulated” by her constant disaster-mode – but what she really needed was for me to NOT be dragged into the bad vibes, but just being WITH her, not in any way supporting her in the belief that she was doomed to stay there.

All of this happened WHILE I was listening to Kit sharing – cause if there is anybody I trust completely, it is Kit.

When it was my turn to share. I described meticulously my planned recipe for their survival – and I sensed an age-old energy mode starting to dissolve, stretching, loosening up.  It was THIS that my inner child picked up on.

I recognized that my “old” way of perceiving the family’s healing had worked for at least 50 years – it was the formula where everybody get to say what they need and know themselves to be heard. Nothing wrong with that for sure! But that formula is still based on FIXING what happens to us – telling ourselves that the Universe has made an error. NOW – it felt like being restructured cellularly – being  lifted to a higher rung of an ascending spiral. Here, the value lay in allowing oneself to feel whatever came up, with no fixing at all – and with tremendous acceptance of where the others were – and the support for everyone’s positions. Kit described that even though no-one of them had “spoken it out”, everybody else fell into new positive patterns as long as she felt safe and joyful in her new balance. There were some faint attempts to manipulate the mother, they feel flat on the floor.

And because now there were no fixing-attempts, the whole family-dynamism moved into new places where the children together managed to shovel a huge amount of snow in front of their hut and there were no tensions.

Here I am sitting now, welcoming the insight that I am not the pawn or victim of early horrors – I have truly gone through them and mapped a bonafide path for my readers– as When Fear Comes Home to Love attests to. It is time to stop allowing myself to be driven by this child.The more I attest to her being in horrendous pain, the more I strengthen that needy image of her, that role inside me. The more I believe in her constant horror, I strengthen it and co-create it.

What has been the perks in keeping her that long in the ice?

Oh – there are lots of perks of being the poor me. I got away with lots of crazy behaviour and extra portions of chocolate ice cream, since my mother felt unconscious guilt for something she dared not see.

I can buy my own chocolate ice cream now 😊


The Thoughtspinner

20 years ago I painted this inner gestalt – and I could SEE how utterly isolated it was. Around its head are its ever-repeating thoughts: too late – it will never work -stop it – hush- oh , you never will learn – it will never work – GIVE UP!

It is an excellent tool for not daring new things, never speaking up, never changing old thoughts, staying in the same old rut – ice cold, yes, but safe – she tells me

I look at her now with tenderness and am willing to embrace her for as long is needed.

This morning I had a repeated  nightmare: an invisible being is grabbing my arms, and this morning grabbing my whole body and carrying me upstairs. It is a shock to notice that there is something with an invisible body who has the power to grab me – because the body-consciousness is very physical, and the grabbing something has a non-physical body, and that makes it over the top uncontrollable – and personally, I go into stories about ghosts and lost souls and powerlessness.

But I am far above this now- so I sit up in bed and decide to  be with the “something.” I remember Carrie Triffet’s words:

When you feel your fear-based stuff arising (for whatever reason), just pause and pay attention. Remind yourself that even though this shitty set of familiar thoughts and feelings seems powerful and inevitable right now, in truth it’s actually leaving—and in this moment of simple noticing, you’re actively helping to show it the door.   Every time you make a choice to notice your stuff as it arises; letting yourself feel the discomfort it brings, without falling into believing it…it’ll transmute. And as it leaves, you’ll be just that little bit freer. That little bit cleaner on the inside.   (If you want to transmute your fear-based stuff even more powerfully and quickly, give your stuff AND the event that brought it up, to love. Let love decide, what’s true and what isn’t. What’s guilty and what’s innocent. I talked about this in my last newsletter. It’s advanced level forgiveness, on behalf of your self and your entire world.)

I ask some of my beloved masters to be with me: Mother Mary, Mary Magdalene, Durga and Quan Yin – “Please infuse my breathing” – and they do. My breathing becomes permeated with light, and all I do is allow the LoveBreath to be directed to the ice-cold holding in my midsection. I remind myself that I allow the divine to do the job here- since all my thoughts about what this is and how dangerous it is IS what keeps it in place.

When I relax like this – trusting LOVE to do it, not trusting the old story even thought it seems TREMENDOUSLY REAL – something melts and moves. And I know I am at last showing the old stuff the door – all darkness wants, is someone to show it the way home

Oh WOW this is amazing

After studying A Course in Miracles since 1984 and also Way of the Heart, Way of Transformation and Way of Knowing – oh am i not a  FABOLOUS stuudentt – I realize that I has not understood much of it. In fact, very little. But what is so AMAZING is that when I started to read it anew, i discover that Jeshua says the same in all paragraphs :  God is but Love, and therefore so are you.

So this morning dreams with huge spiders with thin thin LONG legs everywhere – and similar antics – arrived – like ghosts of unnamed nightmares in the deepest recesses of the One mind we all share. -In deep agony I woke up and remembered this is not who I am – and grabbed The Way of the Heart book at my night table:

(p31) The point is, there is nothing that you see that is not pervaded by the Perfect Radiance of God’s Holy Presence–nothing. The stone, a leaf, a piece of paper blown by the wind, even the shoutings of fear and anger from anyone yet contains within it–if you would receive it–the Perfect Love of God. For your Father does not ever recoil or withdraw from the unlimited and perfect Extension of Himself. And God is but Love. And if you did not abide wholly in that Love in this moment, you would immediately cease to exist. I don’t just mean die; I mean, literally, cease to exist. There would be no trace of thought, or memory in any mind, of you. It is only because Love Is that You Are.

This is so fun – so i got The Way of Mastery-book too and opened it:

 As the journey that you’re on begins to end, you will come to see that darkness is nothing more than a part of your own beingness which has been neglected and not loved. For when you love what you perceive as darkness, you reclaim it as a part of yourself. And by loving it, you transform it. And the power you had given it by separating it from you, returns to you where it truly abides.

And WITH this Truth inside me I can sit with those weird-feeling energies, feel them and breathe –

and i notice a giggle coming up

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Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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