The Freeze – and Blessings

You know – the fight,flight or freeze- tendencies? we all have them, from stone age and forth. In the freeze of our soul lies that which we could not be aware of and at the same time be present too – but now we can: talking to my readers here, who are  willing to grow and learn and practice loving all that stuff

I recently had a great healing opportunity – somebody who offered to prune my old Beech talked very fast and intensely, and I automatically blocked out and became three years old. I said automatically yes to a VERY HIGH BILL.

And then I knew that Source sends me these happenings  for me to respond in a different way.

I used hours to bless the situation – bless the stressed-out man in his calmness, his true nature, his kindness, blessing myself in my strength and true nature. At the end of half an hour of this I saw him as stressed out and possessed by an old survival mechanism – and I recognized how I as a child had believed that I somehow was the reason that the other felt so stressed – that it was my job to unstress them.

Anybody resonate?

Then I got a BIG bill from our Housing community – el-chargers must be installed in our garage. And now I knew I had an excuse to call the tree-man and tell him I could not pay that sum. He immediately said: I will do the job for half as much – and you can split the payment.

Why am I sharing this?

This is the effect of blessing.

The blessee picks up the blessing, if you are earnest about it – and i was. I was willing to see him, beneath that stress – and myself too.

Now the fear is on its way out

I learned about true blessing from Pierre Pradervand and this book:

 

The Inner Attacker

I have for some years now been guided to work/play through old patterns of self-attack in the mind, that is mirrored in f.ex cataracts. I was in terror of those 2 cataract-operations but was clearly guided to have them, and through them I was led to deep and dark places that I believe i could have seen had it not been for these operations. I walked through those traumas while the doctor operated, and shared them loud, he listened deeply and i came out of it tremendously grateful. And he beamed with joy too!

Now I recently had an urinary infection. It bled. I am 74. I gave a urine test to my doctor, she said “you got full pot” and told me I ***had to*** take antibiotics.

So I did – but I asked archangel Michael’s rays to go into those pills. The bleeding stopped instantly – but my right eye started to bleed instead.

And I heard: “it s OK to take the antibiotics- but the bleeding / the inner alarm/ will show up again until you are willing to practice with full intention.And YOU have chose to come to this point of no return, Leelah.”

I asked inside what this wanted to tell me, and I heard “old self attack.” I have had so many attacks from “outside” this life – really obnoxious ones – and have known that they have their origin in my thinking. This time I felt/sensed the energy of hatred and attack and wanting to kill in the left brain ( that governs the right eye.)

This is it, folk. No doctor for this eye – I – only the divine Self.

I was told to post this here – because we as humans all have this pattern of self attack – otherwise we would not be here. I invite you to play with me here: to set a clear intention of forgiving ourselves for these thoughts, these perceptions – and so sit with it in the way you are guided to: my way is embracing my wrong minded age old choice, forgiving it completely, embracing it, blessing the wound inside my mind and heart in whatever way it has manifested for me, and important: forgiving all the ways I have judged and condemned myself for being so “worthy of attack and punishment.”

There is a place in most of us that think it is simply “wrong” and deserves punishment. I have seen this part in all my art therapy patients/clients/students through 30 years, and gathered our healing paths and case stories in the books in the right menu: 25 years of experiences how God plays with us and smiles us through it all.

For now, I thank those who feel invited to participate in this glorious celebration of Who we are – when we willingly receive our inner attacker and bless him and forgive ourself for creating this pattern – this belief in separation, sin, fear and guilt.

I was also asked to ask personally for help – which I really need to learn if you feel so guided, I am sitting here meditating. I want this healed through the heart and not antibiotics this time.

With great love to all my readers here –

Blessings and big thanks for reading this-

I would love comments!

Solitaire or Self

Everything is coming to me to gift me

I’ve got an urinary infection – I bleed. I feel quite calm – this is not cancer – this is the past coming up to be given full awareness and compassion. I start sitting with it, breathing with it, blessing it, and it starts to talk like living thing – even a person. We become intimate, and I am a mother to it now, cradling in my arms, as strange as that sounds. I remember the way my body showed what could not be mentioned – the pain and agony in my lower body: not only abused by others, but abused and rejected by me – this is what we do when we are mishandled in any way –  blaming ourselves – the wrong person is feeling the shame.

Now, sitting with it tenderly – I breathe all the shame back to the ones who placed it on me – knowing that they too received this great inner pain from someone else – and that in the beginning, there is just confusion and ignorance, and we put a “me” on that – like it belongs to a somebody. It belongs to the thought system of fear – called ego – and now we can sort it out.

 

Another break with the past:

I want to feel the freedom and release I feel when I win a game of Patience ( that happens many times in a row these days ) WITHOUT depending on an electronic game – I want to find it while linking up with my Self.

With great resistance I decided to NOT play again, and intended to find the same peace without the Patience.

The energy is still reverberating through me as I write this – big waves, tensions slipping out, tears running.

Trapped in a Box of Stone

I am taking a 7 week course called Feminine Power. We have all made a commitment sharing on the Facebook-group-site from our power: “I commit to make every effort to show up in the group in ways that are aligned with this story of myself as a powerful creator, while at the same time making room for my own vulnerability and imperfections.”

My first longer post was moderated – and they let me know that it had to be MUCH more written from power.

It took me 14 days to find their post to me at Messenger – and their answers have been later than they promised – so this all has contributed to bringing me into an age old state of mind. I chose to look at it as The Universe’s way of arranging all for the best for me. Which I truly believe is true – looking at it with Christ’s vision.

I found that part inside that was in agony at being “ignored”,  outcast, black sheep, left out, feeling hopeless, powerless and angry at God and then herself, for surely she was  at fault for something.

When I found her in the body – this deeply separated identity – I saw her inside a stone-room- like the one Hildegard von Bingen sat in for years, by her own choice – to find God completely. What an exquisite metaphor for the ego thought system:  first we play with the thought “ what if we were on our own and created outside God/Love –” and then, in the shock of being in the utter darkness of lovelessness, guilt, shame and fear is born. Now there seems to be a small I who has to go through eons of years of struggle and suffering to reach the original Knowing  of Who we are. –while the truth is always only a choice away: I choose LOVE now.

I ask her two questions only: “What do you feel” and “what do you need” – and say back  “ I see/hear that you…” I want this old part not to have”comfort” – I want her to KNOW that I hear her without the slightest twinge of judgment – since this is what has worked best for ME in  life and therapy.

At first, I felt with breath and allowance the tremendous agony of living in that stone box for ever as a prisoner, left there to die  (not as Hildegard.)  When this inner part of me at least felt free to express the indescribable anger, venom and hatred at God – “for not thinking she suffered “enough” to be saved – it was a formidable breakthrough, the body was filled with light and tender warmth. Then the next step – to realize that it was really herself she hated and judged – for having failed God’s commands.

Now – I have been raised a Christian – so anybody who has been exposed to those dogmas of a wrathful and vengeful God have these beliefs deeply rooted in our mind: God sets standards and we must be punished for our own good. I recognize how much that belief has craved evidence for itself in my life –  that’s what beliefs do! If I feel unworthy, it is because somebody has projected on me  their own feeling of unworthiness and inadequacy – “ I am WRONG all through.” And so we go through life living it FROM this belief, and  therefore have it mirrored back at us everywhere –  as a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Any belief we hold does that – crave evidence for its reality. And we believe it is OUR reality – not just a false thought, believed in.

So my interest has been to find the common archetypes we all are driven by, and finding the “me” at the bottom of them needing to speak her truth and be heard and loved WITH those feelings.

At one point this night, I /she truly SAW how important it was for her to be RIGHT about her perception as being a victim and unjustly treated by God – since the opposite would have meant that the story she had told about herself and given tremendous meaning to, was really based on that God had dumped her and judged her and punished her atrociously in this life

All my suffering has come from IDENTIFYING with her / her story – calling it me and mine.

We are all formidable creators of our life – exactly the way it has turned out: something in our soul has chosen to explore exactly THIS horror you are going through – since you cannot love what you have not first embraced. And we cannot embrace as long as we judge. My childhood with group rape at age four – endless years with abuse and nobody willing to see and comfort – has led me step for step to embracing all of it.  I have truly seen that inside each horrible act from a predator, there is a terrified child believing in unworthiness and guilt – endless ancestral patterns brought forward to us and through us. Through this we are being trained well to find the places where we have – at least – WANTED to murder and torture another. Are you with me?  🙂  Forgiving ourselves for -at least –having rented space for those thoughts in our mind – forgiving ourselves for allowing them in –  allows for The Holy Spirit’s loving energy and thoughts to replace our old “tenants.

I dreamed that Stone Chamber up. – Now I can choose again – being truly forgiving of how much “me-power” there has been in this creation, and therefore how tenaciously parts of me hang on to it.

Finding them all, allowing them to come through in storytelling and playfulness is what I have been created  to help others to do – finding their own  creativity, playfulness and vast resources of healing.

What I love most is that its not possible to make anything “wrong.” When I meet wrong with play, healing and huge laughter happens

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A New Human: transformation of suffering, an alchemic process

I have recently practiced ” I choose to want God/LOVE above all NOW.”

It truly has rolled beautifully, until this morning when the usual agony was back. I opened a note-book at my bed table: (Please click on it to get the whole text.)

I then remembered that I had already painted three images of this process many years ago. Luckily I saved them in a file on my PC – here is how it may look when we, as Self, embrace the darkness – and what it then turns into ♥

Here it is absorbed

and these two images show the next two stages in the transformation process

As you see, the darkness has transformed into a Menorah – a light-giver

The suffering self leaves the driving seat


The eye was very painful the whole night until ca 5am. There were coagulated  morsels and strings of something that looked like resin around the eye.
“Infection”  said intuition.

I asked myself what I wanted with this creation.*** There were many layers: there were definitely perks with going through pain and being a good girl, i decided that it certainly  justified wine etc. afterwards.

And this identity is, as most of my readers here will have noticed, A HUGE part of  my identity – what I call ME.

I looked at the wine bottle on the kitchen sink and realized that choosing wine and “comfort” I had completely identified with that wrong-minded identity. “My” justification was ” But I DESERVE it.”

Which I is that? The separated one. The suffering one. The small self. And I was radiantly aware of myself as a role – beliefs I have taken on through parents, teachers, ancestors, society – in short, the world.

I had taken her on, like an old costume -I had NOT acknowledged the Self in me who had experienced the great realizations under the knife. By choosing to tell myself “I DESERVE this now” I had failed to see  that this suffering-me believes that suffering MAY at least justify being comforted. That is her perk

Which is really a cost!

And of course, that victim -identity can have infections.
I know that my true I cannot.

As long as I mainly identify with this girl, I will never wake up.

I realize that I chose that suffering identity last evening who took her comfort from wine and food. And that is why the eye hurt so much and looked so infected.

It was my thinking that was infected. The thoughts themselves are neutral – but the moment I attach an I am to the thoughts, I have declared it to be my identity.

I reached out to my Way of Knowing-group on Facebook and asked for prayers –  for affirmation of my true Self, my true I/eye.

Within 1/2  hour my eye healed. ♥ Pains gone. Slightly red, but no more gunk oozing out. What an enormously important lesson I gave myself: you HAVE inner parts/patterns – meaning, they are in your soul as memories – but I AM the One Who chooses what I will identify with. To be aware of the little one and comforting her is so very different from believing I AM her.

 

*** In “the Way of Knowing” by Jeshua, channeled by Jayem, Jeshua teaches us that as sovereign souls we create our response to everything that happens to us. When we make choices out from the separated self, we choose out of fear and anger and confusion, and we may choose to “suffer to atone for sins.” Choosing from Self is always choosing to see with Christ’s vision – looking for the eternal Love within the perpetrator.

 

 

 

comfort

 

 

 

The Little Demon

In a dream, I met an actor that once played the leading role in a production my husband and I had 30 years ago. It was a dramatization of a Norwegian story tale: “The Companion.”
We both attended a big convention, and he was interested in therapy, as he was plagued by something he ( I wrote “I”) had no conscious idea of.

I told him I could show him what therapy could be before dinner. Then I got acquainted with a lady who seemed very nice – but who stuck like a leech when I told her she needed to leave when I was with the actor. She refused, I PUSHED her out, she came back etc. At least I SCREAMED at her, raging. SCARING HER

I could not find a way to demonstrate to the actor what therapy was. Instead I asked: “ Is there something with you and “wool?”

He looked at me and told me he lately had wanted to visit a big wool-factory in his vicinity – and I burst into crying.
“Why do I cry?” I asked. “I think I REALLY want to make something with wool” he said. “I just have not known HOW much -!” And he teared up.

I woke up and saw two things: I need to take my seer-ability seriously – and that THIS is what people need from me – my ability to see what their heart wants. And what stops it. And then use storytelling etc. to give the “stopping-parts” a role where we both give Spirit free reigns and the blockages become parts in the story. It is SO fun and healing!

I asked my Self what the second part in the dream  – the girl who wanted therapy and clung to me – wanted. I opened my own book randomly – When Fear Comes Home to Love – and found this in italics below.. While I read it through, I saw that the “girl was a part in me that has internalized CRAZY energies from my mother and father when she was very little –probably demonic energies – meaning complete raging insanity lying in the background of their communication.

The belief “I am wrong” creates a very recognizable yucky feeling: that’s what makes you want to act it out. Now feel it instead, and find all its intricate details, like an excited explorer: “…cold in the chest. Constriction around the heart. Feelings of loneliness. Fear of becoming abandoned….” It is quite possible that you will start to feel some of the characteristics of Child: “I feel like an outcast…stupid…ugly…” Just notice the thoughts, and go back to the bodily sensations.
The minute you relax your judgments about what you are feeling, and just let the feelings float in the heart, you will know without any doubt that you are not these feelings. You are the light-filled, loving space the feelings float in. This process – of just accepting the feelings without believing in them – takes time. Have mercy on yourself.
Within the illusion, demons are demons because they are hungry for something they are not getting. When they get it, they transform. It is up to us to deal with the ones we have created, unwittingly. We create them by ignoring and judging our painful feelings.

I then proceeded by offering a method from the Buddhist tradition called Chød – to finally give the “demon” what they need – which in this little girl’s case was “BEING IN PERMANENT JOY.”

I saw again (seen it many times a before) that I had demonized this little girl’s feelings and needs – but now there were NO judgments at all around it – just “so.” She had seen it as her job to internalize others’ dark repressed energies – that felt safer than believing that THEY were dangerous.

Now I let those judgments go and felt deeply her terror and expressed it.

What I chased out, and judged as “obnoxious” and “clinging” was the very aspect of me who had KEPT the energy inside until now.

I sweat like crazy as I write this

*

For the ones interested in symbolism

The Companion  was a man who was frozen in  big block of ice after his death instead of being  put in “christian soil.” His “sin” had been to water the wine he sold – and WINE symbolizes Spirit. Watering wine means therefore mixing ego with spirit.

The main person – Johannes – paid him off and buried him – and now the former  Spirit-diluter became Johannes’ Companion – helping him to marry the princess, but first freeing her from the Troll in the Mountain and then purifying her in three baths of the  ugliness that she had acquired when she lived with the Troll.

THAT was what the actor symbolized in the dream 🙂

And we all play the leading role in our lives

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Open the Door!

Recently when my alarm went off ( false alarm) and I clicked the code to turn it off, that code ( symbol: old learned way of turning it off) DID NOT WORK. The Alarm screamed and howled, and I went frantic and clicked some more. Then a deep inner calm: Blue said ” do the very opposite.”

I opened the entrance door wide – the alarm instantly stopped.

Teaching: open your heart to what you before have closed off to and kept away as “threats.”

So this morning, the usual morning agony of extreme overwhelm started – and this time, I immediately knew: this is NOT a threat, it is an opportunity to remember Who I am.

I relaxed and allowed it. knowing fully that I can TRUST GOD now.

The chaotic energy  from the collective human mind poured in – and when it was met with curiosity and wonder, it transformed.

I yawn just by writing it down.

I AM WILLING TO TRUST NOW – and I will celebrate it! YESSS!! HOORAYY! I DID IT!!!

Since what I give thanks for, grows and is attracted to me

This is so vitally important to remember: each time I now become aware that something has changed in my mind, I will celebrate it, give thanks for it, write it down, make it MATTER – truly make it  essential and wonderful in my life.

I see that old mind that I have fed with fear, for aeons ( the word-correcting-program suggested “canons”🙂 )  is like a child – and that I am in charge. I am the elder, the Observer, I am connected to my Source, and in this state of no resistance and fear, I act. And when I forget, hey, there I go again. breathe now, breathe deeply, connect with Mother Earth, connect with the Core.

The mind instantly tell that it does not know how – and I tell it again: you don’t have to, child. I am the Elder, I am in charge.

I wrote a poem the day before yesterday – it came automatically. It aforesaid  what I have realized fully this morning.

Here it is again.Look at the blue:

OTHER

You think you can avoid me

Climbing the highest mountain
I am your holy ground

Diving the profoundest depths
I am the reflective surface

Traveling straight forward
I am the tail you bite

You look at me and shiver at the
Dark mask

And I am looking at you through the slits,
Stretching my arms out towards you

You see threat

I see you

Heart broken open

No other

Water Station


Dream: it is night. The sky is enormous. There are new star constellations:  they are now red – like a miniature milky way. I point them out to a fellow traveler: Look! LOOK! She has nothing to say, and I instantly give her power to take my excitement away.

Instead of the myriad of train tracks, there is now water. Crowds of people stand on the platforms, the water is dark.

I have a boat! An old plastic boat, like the ones in the sixties. I maneuver it clumsily, since there seems to be no oars-still, the stream in the water takes me in the direction I want to go.

There is a strong energy of insanity in the air

*

Awake, I go into the Rose garden where I meet my inner children. I find an 11-year-old and also a 14-year-old and a 15-year-old. I tell them I am there for them, to listen and love and support them. They are terrified of dying and being caught in this field of insanity, where there seems to be demons everywhere. And it so happens that I, as Christ Self, hold them and witness them and they feel safe feeling all of that agony – that is possible as soon as they are being loved. Now they are not alone.

It takes some time, but we have it.

They realize that they see everybody around them through filters of terror and confusion. Gradually they realize that it is safe to look WITHOUT these filters.

The children think THEY have to change the insanity-energy – I tell them, NO – the only thing they have to do, is to ALLOW the Light to do it FOR them and THROUGH them. Willingness to surrender the “doing” is all it takes.

They recognize that their hands are bone dry, there is no moist inside.Their terror has chased all feelings and water away in their bodies. I call forth the Angel of Water, and gently she arrives and takes her place inside us, watering our bone dry places, our deserts of postulating that we are without Love. We are willing to be wrong 🙂 and how lovely it is to be wrong about the belief that we are stuck in agony-land

I see how many of the babies here are frozen within this fear too.  And smiling I witness my healing children running to them and picking them up, singing to them, humming, stroking, embracing, rocking them, singing

 

Outside and Inside

David Youngblood told me this some years ago – and I wrote it down in one of my many notebooks. Today I felt insane and opened one notebook randomly. And what I need is RIGHT HERE:

“I am only upset at others/someone when they mirror back to my mind a belief which I have denied from awareness. When I blame something/someone (or fear them) it is to avoid seeing the upset and the resolution as they really are (a decision in my mind to stay separate) and to instead maintain an image of myself/other / the world / as I WISH.

What a relief: OF COURSE I have wanted to see insanity projected outside of me!

“This mind-trick seems to replace guilt and fear, but actually maintains feelings of upset. To blame or fear an image of self/other/the World, requires that I believe I am limited to a body and a world of bodies, and it denies the Spiritual abstract reality of my being.

As a first step in letting go of all upset, I want to see in my mind what I thought was outside it”

I instantly see the field of insanity that surrounded me,my family and the men who abused “me” – I recognize it – I have for years of my life thought it was ME and have tried as hard as possible to push it away.

Now I have A Course in Miracles and Way of Mastery and am grateful beyond means that I now can choose again.

What do I REALLY want to see in I. and I.? ( The two persons who I have seen insanity in, threatening my peace.)

I want to see deep peace, gratefulness for all they have experienced, since it has brought us all HERE – I want to see tenderness, gentleness, patience, gratitude, deep inner peace and contentment, inner wisdom, clarity, respect for Self and others – and LOVE.

And how fun it is that both the names of these two whose people who carry the energies that scare me, start with I – so there are only I and I and I LOL –

there never was anybody outside this Big I/Self that we all share

 

 

 

 

 

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Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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