Homeopathic Love

I had a free session with Debbie Moore from Feminine Power, offered because I registered early. I presented my age-old problem of having worked with all kind of parts and inner children for 30 years – and still having that same old intense fear-pattern in my nervous system.

After half an hour she tells me: ” I will feed your little two year old terrorized agonized soul-part/ girl homeopathic LOVE.”

1 drop only.

And then the release started – the sweetest possible love seeped in.

And one more drop – and my inner child opened her eyes – and nodded – and said to herself. “Yes. This is ME.”

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I had told Debbie that my soul has chosen to go this deeply in this life, so I can truly help others find their deepest hidden stuff and safely and lovingly allow it into the Love that we are.

When I trained in Kabbalah, my master was also a master in Homeopathy. I have taken the strangest remedies! – and one of the strangest and strongest was Wolf Milk. Love from Wolf!

Unconditional Love in Homeopathic strength was stronger.

It has helped me to truly respect  the depth of my training, energy wise, in this life: bringing these predator/ victim ancestral patterns into THIS life, and now gloriously offering the remedy to the two year old –and then choosing to share it with all the rest of my parts.

I have always had the gift of seeing right into the center of energies / nervous systems, and now and then matter opens to me, allows me to find a terrorized child part – like the one I found in my left breast when I had breast cancer. Seeing her, I could talk to her and listen, she disappeared, and Archangel Michael came on my request and  placed HIS RAYS  inside the radiation machine – so the skin lost its burns and I knew all was well.

In Homeopathy, the effects are stronger the more diluted the remedies are. That makes no sense to a mind that sees bodies as solid – quantum physics now proves what seers like me always have known: all is connected with all, what we focus on we touch with our mind and intention, and what we call “me” attaches itself to me and continues to drive our life with old and outdated beliefs until we turn toward it and bless it all eternally.

Here is how I drew it:

Trapped in a Box of Stone

I am taking a 7 week course called Feminine Power. We have all made a commitment sharing on the Facebook-group-site from our power: “I commit to make every effort to show up in the group in ways that are aligned with this story of myself as a powerful creator, while at the same time making room for my own vulnerability and imperfections.”

My first longer post was moderated – and they let me know that it had to be MUCH more written from power.

It took me 14 days to find their post to me at Messenger – and their answers have been later than they promised – so this all has contributed to bringing me into an age old state of mind. I chose to look at it as The Universe’s way of arranging all for the best for me. Which I truly believe is true – looking at it with Christ’s vision.

I found that part inside that was in agony at being “ignored”,  outcast, black sheep, left out, feeling hopeless, powerless and angry at God and then herself, for surely she was  at fault for something.

When I found her in the body – this deeply separated identity – I saw her inside a stone-room- like the one Hildegard von Bingen sat in for years, by her own choice – to find God completely. What an exquisite metaphor for the ego thought system:  first we play with the thought “ what if we were on our own and created outside God/Love –” and then, in the shock of being in the utter darkness of lovelessness, guilt, shame and fear is born. Now there seems to be a small I who has to go through eons of years of struggle and suffering to reach the original Knowing  of Who we are. –while the truth is always only a choice away: I choose LOVE now.

I ask her two questions only: “What do you feel” and “what do you need” – and say back  “ I see/hear that you…” I want this old part not to have”comfort” – I want her to KNOW that I hear her without the slightest twinge of judgment – since this is what has worked best for ME in  life and therapy.

At first, I felt with breath and allowance the tremendous agony of living in that stone box for ever as a prisoner, left there to die  (not as Hildegard.)  When this inner part of me at least felt free to express the indescribable anger, venom and hatred at God – “for not thinking she suffered “enough” to be saved – it was a formidable breakthrough, the body was filled with light and tender warmth. Then the next step – to realize that it was really herself she hated and judged – for having failed God’s commands.

Now – I have been raised a Christian – so anybody who has been exposed to those dogmas of a wrathful and vengeful God have these beliefs deeply rooted in our mind: God sets standards and we must be punished for our own good. I recognize how much that belief has craved evidence for itself in my life –  that’s what beliefs do! If I feel unworthy, it is because somebody has projected on me  their own feeling of unworthiness and inadequacy – “ I am WRONG all through.” And so we go through life living it FROM this belief, and  therefore have it mirrored back at us everywhere –  as a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Any belief we hold does that – crave evidence for its reality. And we believe it is OUR reality – not just a false thought, believed in.

So my interest has been to find the common archetypes we all are driven by, and finding the “me” at the bottom of them needing to speak her truth and be heard and loved WITH those feelings.

At one point this night, I /she truly SAW how important it was for her to be RIGHT about her perception as being a victim and unjustly treated by God – since the opposite would have meant that the story she had told about herself and given tremendous meaning to, was really based on that God had dumped her and judged her and punished her atrociously in this life

All my suffering has come from IDENTIFYING with her / her story – calling it me and mine.

We are all formidable creators of our life – exactly the way it has turned out: something in our soul has chosen to explore exactly THIS horror you are going through – since you cannot love what you have not first embraced. And we cannot embrace as long as we judge. My childhood with group rape at age four – endless years with abuse and nobody willing to see and comfort – has led me step for step to embracing all of it.  I have truly seen that inside each horrible act from a predator, there is a terrified child believing in unworthiness and guilt – endless ancestral patterns brought forward to us and through us. Through this we are being trained well to find the places where we have – at least – WANTED to murder and torture another. Are you with me?  🙂  Forgiving ourselves for -at least –having rented space for those thoughts in our mind – forgiving ourselves for allowing them in –  allows for The Holy Spirit’s loving energy and thoughts to replace our old “tenants.

I dreamed that Stone Chamber up. – Now I can choose again – being truly forgiving of how much “me-power” there has been in this creation, and therefore how tenaciously parts of me hang on to it.

Finding them all, allowing them to come through in storytelling and playfulness is what I have been created  to help others to do – finding their own  creativity, playfulness and vast resources of healing.

What I love most is that its not possible to make anything “wrong.” When I meet wrong with play, healing and huge laughter happens

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

New place -or no-place

After 3,5 weeks of the Feminine Power -program, something inside changed drastically. The last week I have burned up inside, and body is sweating like crazy – but no fever, says the thermometer. There is a feeling of nothing to hold on to for the “me” – although there are LOTS of wonderful, effective and helpful practices in how to shift and change old patterns of victimhood and powerlessness.  But now there is an absolute impossibility about DOING something – not painting, stitching – around all of that is an ocean of hopelessness. I ITCH! Impossible to control this! No rules here! HELP!

Inside, I know: resistance to it creates the itching – get used to doing nothing to fix this – get used to resting and relaxing

Dream  this morning:

I am strolling through an area deep down in main town – a slum area, homeless persons, bums, tramps – jobless – but I feel safe there. Strangely, there is a peace here. Then the surroundings turn from outside in streets and alleys into a huge complex  – sic 🙂 –  now there are corridors,  but what they really are, are passages in my mind that are filled with elements that are culturally not  actively welcome by “society.” Since they do not have jobs – and are judged for that, being lazy and good for nothings and not “GOOD” citizens – this is the place in the mind that they are relegated to.

I feel only PEACE here – these faces are peaceful and harmless –

I discover an old classmate – she is leaning toward a wall, nothing to do, loose sweater and knee-length skirt, short reddish hair – there is nothing “made-up” about her – we just acknowledge each other with a friendly nod

The man I am walking with all day…he is dirt-poor, and still, kindness itself – we stop, and I look into his eyes

it is Christ

He has walked with me all the time –

The fear of being visible as an artist

I am taking a 7 week course called Feminine Power lead by Claire Zammit. Extraordinary in its thoroughness to take a break with the old patriarchal consciousness as the main model for thinking in my life.

In that course, we are showed ways to reconnect with Higher Intelligence,/ Deeper Knowing / Self/ God / Universe – and we are asked to find one time we were truly connected to that awe-inspiring illuminated Power.

I was educated as an artist – and this happened in my 3.year:

The Arts and Crafts Museum adjacent to our School had been asking for sketches  for a poster to a new Russian exhibition. For some reason I was chosen. During those three years I struggled a lot to make great results – and  was not interested in the very process of creation itself: in my Course of Study, Graphic Design and Advertisement, the result was adamant.

And still – her I was now, feeling completely FREE in painting, for the first time since  a very small child. IT was using ME to become visible, it poured through me, my choice of colors where utterly different from my usual choices. I was in a timeless state of mind, it all floated, I had  made no sketches, it flowed  from Source through me, and I allowed it without questioning.

As I painted. More and more students flocked around the table, and there was an atmosphere of elevated rapture and delight – soft whispered expressions of  wonder. Time was absent. There were teachers around me too, they too joined the silence.

The next I remember – this is 50 years ago – was that one week later, my teacher told me the museum had told him that my painting had gone up in fire. Nothing left.  –

A few years after this, I was hired to decorate a new Hard Rock Café in town. I chose to make large reliefs from plyboard and textile from figures from Alice in Wonderland. They were also “new” to me when I made them – a mixture of painting and textile art that truly was “me.”

And after then – just when the Cafe was about to open – it burnt down- all to the ground

I see this as an old belief creating evidence for itself: it is dangerous to “stick out” and be seen – you will be attacked.” This was truly an operative belief in my life as child and youth – and it manifested.  I remember the feeling of “don’t excel as a woman.”

I later wanted to become a dancer instead – truly enjoyed it – and ruptured the right knee.

Then after having sung for 12 years in choirs, my voice also changed dramatically – from first soprano to lower than alto.

So it truly seemed that being a woman and excelling in the arts was not a good idea.

So, instead I educated myself as an expressive arts therapist and used my talents there –now I could use all the creative modalities to teach how creativity brings us back into connection with the original joy and life that we are –  so it is obvious how the Universe sets us up for success, as Claire insists –

I am here with you know to truly share these beliefs of feminine creativity and success – and even though I have lived through all that, something in me still hold on to my products:  book-manuscripts  –  paintings – poetry – strange shamanic figures ( adorable they are ) –  there is a cold and silent space around it – I want it OUT and something in me is so scared of it getting OUT

My two first posts/sharing  at the Facebook group of Feminine Power are held back for  moderation – for nine days now – it’s not difficult to see how strongly these beliefs create evidence for themselves – I have proved it 🙂

I am willing to release those beliefs now

Thank you Feminine Power management for mirroring it for me

(It was also mirrored by a sweet woman form the management calling me from the States to wish me a warm welcome!)

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Last news:  I practiced feeling my true desires to “get this out” to the public – all my manuscripts, art, poetry,  stories including my posts at Feminine Power. “You may go and check now Facebook now” said Intuition.

And opening the Facebook site with the group – there it was

This is The Red Queen from Alice in Wonderland

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Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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