First Love

We were 19 and 21 years old when we met in the same class at the College for arts and crafts. Our love was cataclysmic – the energy of us two together had the strangest effects on our surroundings – like furniture making strong and strange sounds when we were not even touching. He told me it could not be us – as he had betrothed himself to his girlfriend when they were thirteen! He told me that he was the only support this girl had and that he could not disappoint her or leave her.

So after one year he decided that he had to move to another city and continue his education there.

Last kiss

You are returning to
Your native village
Where your old girlfriend is waiting for you
The one you promised to take care of
From you were thirteen
We kiss in the car, steam pearling on windows,
Enclosed in a small cave of steam, bodies
Dissolving
I open the door,
The sound of the raging waterfalls
Close by
Receives us
This is our last together

And right in front of us
A red fox stops
In the middle of the road
Looks at us
And disappears into the wood

This night I worked with a “part” that makes me feel ice cold and which eats like a wolf. Being with it made me shift in and out of consciousness, but still it was aware that I was with it in a loving way.

And I dreamt about my first love – (which I have done a thousand times, and mostly stressfully) – this time there were no blocks between us, neither inside or outside.

I realized – I saw – that we shared the same violent aggressive energy in our bodymind that I have named “Fuckeat” in my book “When Fear Comes Home to love”. And at the time we came together, our common unconsciousness propelled us together like a powerful magnet –

I suggest that since I have worked the last 25 years actively with relating to that energy with kindness, working with that energy last night touched his soul too, and we met in a state of mind/dream where there were no more blocks

My gratefulness is unbounded

 

Alarmclock-miracle

I woke with the incessant morning agony – mixture of suicidal thoughts and murderous ones. Quite a soup I tell you! Now,  I am aware that Spirit is trying to tell me something here – I know I am not a victim of this, just something my soul wants to convey. And it did – very sweetly and to the point this morning.

I sat up in bed and aligned with my Source of Light – acknowledging that my Father and I am One. At once, I saw that the repeated energy came from the archetypes Fuckeat and Child, described in “When Fear Comes Home to Love.” I have found these two to be polarities, where the one is dominant, the other is a shadow.

When that realization came, I recognized 1) this is what Jeshua calls ” a creation” – and 2) I want to find what is the neutral part in both of them – what is the first feeling expressed that was judged and repressed/denied.

Big relief just by realizing this.

The innocent first feeling of what later has grown into  the Fuckeat archetype in the human mind ( the fear-archetype which consists of murder-lust,domination,all kind of brutality and human perversions) – the first what came up for me was:

I hurt  – and since nobody is willing to care and comfort me, I need to see this hurt on another face = projection.

The first feeling of Child ( the victim archetype:) I need my caretakers to acknowledge my innocence  and vulnerability as beautiful.

I saw both of the archetypes before they were projected and judged – just natural thoughts and needs in the human mind, believing itself to be outside God’s love, having to prove itself valuable by its deeds – denying the eternal beauty and love that is God’s gift to Its child. I forgave the judgments I have projected on those two early separation thoughts  – I felt an opening,a release – and then I spoke out loud:

” And now I do embrace you.”

The my clockmaker by my bed gave two signals ….OOHH! New funny miracle! I meant to write  my alarm clock gave two signals and then stopped – but the word-correcting program wrote Clockmaker instead – which means my mind 🙂

Of course – the little machine did not do it, the smiling Self that I call BLUE did it through the electronic device. And the word-correcting program…is such a great symbol for Holy Spirit, who is the Loving Spirit who corrects my perceptions.

The sweet thing is – I thought I had turned that clock off – and when I looked at it, I had. Just two sweet pling-plings.

I guess that is what Child and Fuckeat are seen as from above – as figures in a movie, an illusion.

And please read me right: In no way do I mean to minimize the atrocities that the human is perpetrating to him/herself and each other –

but from above, Love looks down on us and see that the soul wants experiences – and in my case, I am now willing to see that the Soul wanted to be both victim and aggressor throughout its incarnations – because, how else can my mind learn that only what I embrace, I can heal?

What I embrace is in essence just energies – and when they are judged as not worthy to exist, they go underground and grow in darkness and bestiality.

I can see now the huge power in choosing Love – and inside, extending Love to anybody who acts out of confusion and fear and old patterns – and recognizing myself as one of us who deeply and truly wants to wake up, and therefore on a higher level  has chosen to be one of the creators  of these fear-archetypes – now I can fully dis-identify from both Fuckeat and Child –

I am the Loving Space and embrace of it

just like you

 

The Bodhisattvic vow

This post “The Bodhisattvic Vow” is from my book “When Fear Comes Home to Love.”

You may recognize yourself. If so, wonderful 🙂 AND I want to add something to the chapter today:

“If you  claim something for your”small”self – like healing-abilities, success and talents –  be certain to correct yourself  quickly and give all praise/success to Source/Self/God. Only when I remember “of myself only I do nothing” –  will I be free. Only then you will be able to allow all human pain to flow through you and then OUT of you. I talk from deep experience here: my ego has loved the praise I have received for the art and the healing that has come through me, and that I have chosen to give expression to. There is GREAT temptation for the spiritual ego to claim that for itself: “I” did that. I am so special!”

The truth is that all healing happens only when this “I” let go and simply allows expression to flow through.” The inner artist knows that – and still my ego can grab it, it happens quick as a lightening.

Lately I have watched myself as a hawk to stop it when it happens. The great reward of doing this is that then the collective pain can not stick to me – it simply flows through and out. I am no more a flypaper for others bad energies. And when I DO identify with it – “Oh it is ME they are talking about” -I attach to the pain and subconsciously think it belongs to me.

If you have comments to this, please post them (also) on the page where I present my books more fully – click on Q&A

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*

Here it is:

The Bodhisattvic Vow

In Buddhist tradition there is a loving pledge to truth: the sacred vow of commitment called The Bodhisattvic Vow.

A Bodhisattva has pledged her/his life to the healing and benefit of all sentient beings, and refuses to leave this plane of existence until we all have awakened to our true nature.

The Bodhisattva, being awake, knows that pain is not destroying What and Who we really are, and will act as a vessel of transformation for others’ pain – carrying the burden, letting it into them, willingly.

In Buddhist tradition, by exploring suffering, letting into us and through us – the opposite of denying it – we attain awareness – pure beingness. We transcend matter by going deeply into it without resistance – we are filling the wounds with light. We may allow the pain, the hatred and the grief to move through us, witnessing it and allowing it. By bringing healing to the archetype of hatred and Fuckeat,* we find the sacred essence within: the longing for love.

But:

We only transform darkness by choosing to do so, consciously – and we can only do this when we often enough have experienced that we will not be destroyed and annihilated by the darkness – and that we are the Loving Space that the pain can float in.

This Space is the opposite of that which Bird* occupies: Bird wants to save others in order to avoid responsibility for her own darkness and pain. And this is said without any judgment at all: Bird does what she does as long as she perceives her fear to be stronger than her love and light of spirit.

The Bodhisattva knows that time and space are components of the mind, where only this NOW can really exist. In this NOW everything takes place, in this NOW all pain in all time can be touched and healed by merciful awareness.

The only healing way to meet darkness and “evil” is by loving it. That does not mean condoning it. You can only love it when you look at it with the eyes of your Self. You can only do this when fear is absent.

You discover that what you haven’t blessed and forgiven, you cannot let go of.

Bird has a psychological pain, belonging to the personality and ego: a wound that has to be recognized in order to be healed. The Bodhisattva deals with THE pain – humanity’s collective pain – letting it be released through herself, and recognizing this Self to be Spirit.

The fact that my therapist and supervisor, aside from being a specialist in psychology also is a practicing Buddhist and a wise and loving man with a big heart, made it possible to explore the karmic pattern which became visible during therapy. Three years into therapy he insisted that I must have given a Bodhisattvic Vow in a former incarnation.

Small mind flatly refused the idea at first – why would I want to take on other people’s suffering? I have more than enough with my own, thank you! Then my ego blew up like a balloon: “Wow – I must be really good and special.” But since the favorite game of my ego is to degrade itself, it did not let me keep the nice feeling of being more special than others. So, I put it out of my mind: “Omar, you are really far out there.” But Omar didn’t budge. Time and time again he pointed out: “There. That is part of the vow.” And slowly it crept into my consciousness that it was VAST MIND Who had made that decision – not my ego. Something in me relaxed tremendously and recognized it.

Some days later, I sat meditating in the morning. The air was clear and bright outside the window. A vast space opened within me and around me. I asked: “Is it really true that I have consented to use myself in this way, to the benefit of all?”

In this moment, a great expansion happened within. In tremendous speed did I expand and become Light. I hear my Heart answer: “YES. At last you know.” This YES floats through me and relaxes all tension. In this moment, as I accept my choice, there are no tensions and no resistance.

The Heart continues: “As long as you see yourself as a container, a vessel for darkness, it lightens. It is sacred work!”

As I truly accept that I have given the Vow, my energy-field changes. It feels like a lot of dust has been whirled up around me and now it sinks to the ground and leaves clear bright light and space around me.

And from now on I recognize the “old” Bodhisattvas among my patients. Nur is one of them. Here is a healing story from a session:

It is close to the end of the session. She is doing a dance. Suddenly she stops – the atmosphere changes. It feels sick and toxic. She exclaims:

“I see something… it is a valley. Oh, it is awful. Very bad. I feel sick.”

“Please examine it, tell me what you see. I sense that it would be a good idea to say: Whatever in me that is no longer serving the highest good for all, I choose to release to the One.”

She speaks with authority. “I see many American Indians… they are suffering… now they all melt together into an Indian woman… she grows old – becomes wrinkled – I see only her old head now – now her head shrinks! – Now she disappears into the light!”

Nur expresses how relieved she feels, and so is the atmosphere also: purified. Radiant.

I believe that this pain, this unhealed wound from the vast storehouse of human suffering, has now been healed through Nur – through her willing consent to serve its healing and hold its psychic content in her consciousness. What is needed is our willingness to let it pass through our heart, witnessing it and blessing it, surrendering it to the One Who cannot be divided.

© Leelah Saachi 2016 All rights reserved.

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  • *Fuckeat and *Bird are two of the fear-archetypes I describe in When Fear Comes Home to Love. We unravel them to find their gifts, to see through their form to their sacred essence

Story from “When fear Comes Home to Love”

4.1 Avatar on the train / 1998

I was attending an AVATAR-course in Denmark. The last night I was living alone in the house our group had shared, and I scrubbed all the rooms. I went open-eyed into the role of Bird as the perfect helper and “good girl”, and used a huge anxiety-energy to clean. Then I slept for about two hours.

In the morning my attention was fixed in a space about 30cm to the right side of my head. I was floating in my Self: there was no separation between me or anything / anyone else. To just exist in this state of being was delicious. Walking with a heavy trunk was heaven. Sitting in the train doing nothing was exquisite. Totally aware, totally open, harmless, present.

Three young soldiers take place in the seats beside me and in front of me. One of them is bullying another, who is visibly scared and acting more and more submissive. That creates more sadistic behavior from the bully.

I decide, from the vast loving space I am in, to just take over his abusive and hateful energy. This does not seem threatening at all: I know he is not the energy he has identified with.

I allow his energy to float into me. It feels weird – but it is it and I am I.

Within the next five minutes he undergoes a transformation. The energy “Fuckeat as dominator” leaves him, and his true kindness and harmlessness emerges. He starts to kindly address the scared boy, who looks as if he has just fallen from the moon. Slowly a warmth and tenderness spreads between them. It is a wonder to observe their true nature emerge.

When they leave the train half an hour later, they look like best friends. I have witnessed a transformation.

I am not saying that this necessarily would go on. But I had witnessed – and will never forget – that beyond seemingly disgusting and brutal behavior is our true nature. The Course’s main teaching is to look with Christ’s eyes on our brothers and sisters. By refusing to see his disgusting behavior as who he was, by not judging him, he was free.

And so was I.

If we are coming from the Self, we will be able to see with Christ’s eyes. When we are not able to come from that Place, we will have to play within the rules of conditional love: setting borders, respecting ourselves and the other.

When you read the Fuckeat-stories, I suggest that you notice what defeats him. That is important knowledge you may use when you meet the next Fuckeat in your life.

Exercise: seeing with the eyes of love

In your mind, place the person you have issues with in front of you. Instead of your perception of him as your “enemy,” look for beauty in any form at all – and look with kindness, as if s/he is just wearing a costume, and you are looking to find the true Light within. If all the perceived guilt slid off – how would s/he look?

Ask to be shown what is truth about him/her. When you have found it, bless it. What you are blessing in him/her, you strengthen in yourself.

The Old Stone God in the Garden

About 20 years ago,  I awoke in the middle of the night after a very vivid dream.Here is the essential image from the dream I later painted

ill. 16

I started to talk this poem into my dream-recorder by my bed. This poem just came, and there was no way of stopping it. I felt the numinosity of it reverberating through my soul, I sat in sacred space while speaking.

This morning, visiting my root-belief of “being responsible for other people’s happiness or else they will die”, I asked Jesus, “is there something that can help me to truly let this go?”

He told me: “Go to your book ( When Fear Comes Home to Love) and open it.”

It opened on the poem. Here it is – and the verse that Jesus wanted me to see, is in blue.

“Fuckeat” is the archetype of violence and control described in the book – and the poem shows me how violator and violated truly are two sides of the same coin – a pattern that only can be healed with Christ’s vision of love.

Seeing the inner essence of Fuckeat.

Oh stone-god sitting in the garden –

your throne swallowing you, clutching you

tightly into its stony grip and you sit,

stiffened,facing the opening of the tunnel

waiting for visitors to exit and enter

into the sunny garden where you sit

 

your stony hands clutching the armrest,

or is it the chair clutching you –

you are inseparable, sitting from eons of time

oh stone-god of men, whom are you serving?

what purpose are you fulfilling,

what destiny is played out

by sitting in this enchanted garden

where green-ness and air and light

are playing and dancing around your grayness?

what gifts are you offering from your blocked stone-ness?

from your petrified stance?

what are you looking at, with those

stony eyes, watching the tunnel-opening

 

are you looking for rescuers? wizards

with magical wands, who by their touch

can bring you into life…

or are you waiting to be touched by loving eyes

who will free you from the grip of stone

and change you, perhaps, into dust again

 

into soft soft dust, played with by

the wind, mingling with the green growth of the garden, going into

Buckwheat and Forget-Me-Not’s

and thus transform yourself from gray to green?

will my loving eyes look upon you and change you?

 

IS THIS YOUR GIFT TO ME?

to make me aware of the power

my loving gaze has over your form –

the love that can recognize the longing and help it

to be born again in a

blade of grass and

a daffodil

 

Oh stone image – not so important from where

you came, where you attached yourself to

stone and immobility

(yes, your fear, your fear

holds you within this structure)

not so important from where you came, but

to see where you are NOW –

to really see through the stone to

the diamond of longing

 

perhaps, dear god, TIME has played with you –

frozen time

has perpetuated your longing embedded

in fear, and made it stronger!

so it at last can meet my loving gaze, recognizing

my eyes

as your own, released from the illusion of

time and separation

 

BEING now, merging, exploring

the moist soil

 

being eaten by worms

 

being the worm, wriggling in

the soft dirt, penetrating it

learning its secrets

 

eating the dirt, giving it air

and space and growing-power

being close to seeds

(speaking to them)

feeling the longing within the seeds, the

 

MUST MUST MUST GROW

growing into the Fullness

of your Being

stretching your leafy veins

drinking the moist down into

the roots, where the nourishing

light whispers

to the worms of other worlds:

 

ALL IS ONE

Where is Stone, where is

Longing,

if not here

 

Longing is

eye is

being is

stone

un-stoned

Home

fullness of Being meeting Itself

Father and son

I sensed his energy already before he dumped down in the bus seat beside me. Everything stood still inside me – huge fear- the energy that he brought, and acted out from, was all “Fuckeat” – energy – an archetype of violence, abuse and dominance that is described in my book “When fear Comes Home with Love.”

I froze – and then remembered that I am here to BE Love – therefore, him sitting down was an opportunity for me to BE with the energy and to BE the space of Love where it could be witnessed.

Judgment flared up like a volcano when he slapped his baby son on his lap hard – twice – on its little hands. This baby was obviously used to it – it did not cry, just whimpered, and got a strong expression of worry.

I recognized that feeling inside my mind: “I have done something wrong and am punished – and for me, there is no recognition of why.”

I felt sick now, but still blessed the father silently in his true nature, again and again.

I was shown a bloodline of fathers like him – in this case, Moslem fathers who think their boy-babies have to be taught by pain and fear when their expression is not up to the standard for what is correct male behavior.

I saw his wife sitting there, across the isle – with another little boy beside her. He was looking down as the father hit his baby, and was smiling a stiff smile.

The wife looked like she was 19-20. Her eyes, watching her husband, were devoid of any life and presence – I recognized that energy/memory inside myself too and forgave it. She had taken refuge in that space where “this does not happen. I can do nothing about it that would not make it worse.”

As I felt sicker and sicker, drawn longer into merging with the Fuckeat-archetype, I heard a suggestion inside: “Holy Son of God, give me your blessing.”

Yes – there it was: they were playing out for me something in MY mind that had not yet been fully forgiven- and it was in my mind that I now forgave myself for choosing to see the Son of God in a violent manner. I blessed him again – and again – and there came a soft peace, the father rose from his seat and sat down elsewhere – I saw him relating to two other children.

His wife was looking at him now – they were quietly talking – and she was completely present, unfearful, and love poured out of her eyes to her husband

The Fuckeat structure in my mind had opened itself to yet another layer of healing – and all because I was truly willing to SEE beyond brutality to his true Self.

When they left the bus some minutes later, I saw two other children – at least 8-10 years old – they were all smiling, and I saw his father – pride in them

Sharing this with you had also started yet another release of Fuckeat-energies

Thank God

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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