Lonely Girl in the Heart Comes Alive

In the usual night agony, I heard a clear and no-nonsense voice: sit up right now!

I did, and in a king of whoosh I saw that the carrier of the agony energy was my spiritual ego – the one who has followed 10 Mystery schools  and  a zillion of trainings and and and and still feels this agony/rage/anxiety/death wish/killing lust.

It’s simply the whole “false” identity, the perceived “separate one” – the one who sees herself as NOT healed and worthy and a failure – she is ALL OF THAT.

And after reading Carrie Triffet’s last book – about the importance to completely utterly love the “subterranean self” – or those parts of us we have kept as a secret…that I fully acknowledge her presence, and realize how unavoidable it is to continue AS her. From now on relating TO her – is my intention.

Now, this night, I saw that I was asked to intend to LOVE ALL OF THAT – the whole old package of “the ego though system” as the Course calls it – all those parts of me that I had attached to those thoughts and called MINE and ME.

IT was strange to get up in the morning – it felt different. I could neutrally watch “her” and all her thought patterns – but they did not attach to me. That much. I witnessed her go bananas when she lost something on the floor – for the first time did I allow her to yell and curse and it felt just fine and NEUTRAL. No judgment.

She like very much to be praised for having been such a good girl – and I enjoy doing that, loving her, truly loving her, embracing her with what Carrie calls “the rose-golden Light.”

Bow this is weird and wonderful: the above in blue attached itself here ABOVE the text that I had composed on Word and copied. When I clicked glue in, it came too – helping me realize that what I wrote today was the continuation of the blue text.  Clearly  this is archetypal matter.

Lonely Girl in the Heart

 

In the middle of the Heart

there is a fog of woe and wonder –

so little known to itself,

so dreamingly absorbed in the

layers of illusion.

But look:

it’s floating in the Sun of the heart!

I am so lonely so lonely

and I do not know of my fears –

I sense them only when I am held

but very carefully, or I’ll burst into a million little pieces

someone has stolen my words

and my hopes

but my story is still here

under the layers of centuries.

I have a right to tell the story,

but who are the listeners?

A great light and soft love surround me when I finished writing the above, and a Voice speaks:

Child, listen – I am your mother, Aurora – Queen of the Heart

And I know that She has listened to it all

 

The inner Child is doubting that Aurora is real: “Please give me a sign, Blue – let me see this name within three days!”

Next day I read in the column for TV/radio: “Arcadian radio and The Arcadian Explorer’s editorial Staff continue their trip down Mississippi on the riverboat Queen Aurora.”

*

Today is 23.March 2020 – 22 years after I wrote the above, as a part of my book “When Fear Comes Home to Love”  – and I found the child, the Heart -and -body connection was made, and my whole experience of life has changed.

Before that, earlier today,  I sensed with deep grief that I truly wanted to be grounded – but there has always been something that refuses to be inside the body. I have sensed there is a root connection through my feet and the perineum – but I wanted the feeling/energy of the dissociated child  to be fully incarnated. I prayed deeply for help with this, and suddenly I KNEW that she was HERE – inside me – and the mother of all griefs burst forth. I have never cried like THAT before – completely new quality – now embracing all that loneliness.

Do you know what more is present:

My creativity – and two years of crazy wolf hunger is GONE

JUST GONE

The constant inner strong bumping pulse in the midsection – gone

So now I knew how I feel – and how SHE felt – so I decided to play with her with words. It felt like an adorable little girl of 4 years was present, a separate being – and I communicated with her just as I would do with a girl of flesh and blood.

It was very helpful to have worked with “parts” most of my 30 years as a therapist 😊

She has been behind the wolf hunger – and the impossibility to do anything creative and playful. Now she composed an adorable story about a pig who had the moon inside her and spread moonlight all over her surroundings.

I am aware that this energy of her needs time to solidify and integrate. Of course! Bless her!

 

I feel tired in a healthy way.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

No resistance

This morning I was shown the root of some old energy patterns I always have believed is “mine.” And therefore have attached a lot of guilt and resistance to. This energy has come up for weeks now, and I have always resisted it and felt anger towards it. This blessed morning, I heard Blue’s kind voice suggesting “-And what if this is not what you believe it to be?”

So I pondered that for just a second, and then relaxed completely into it.

Almost instantly, I was shown a winter village in Afghanistan. The energy there was crazy with grief and a desire for revenge.

Thank you Blue. I still need to be reminded that energy that we pick up certainly don’t need to be “ours” – coming from our personal story in this life.

I was guided to use John Newton’s forgiveness prayer – or a little of it:

Infinite  Creator,  All  That  You  Are:    For  me,  all  my  family  members,  all  our  relationships,  

all  our  ancestors  and  all  their  relationships  through  all  time,  through  all  our  lives, in all dimensions

For  all  hurts  and  wrongs:

Physical,  mental,  emotional,  spiritual,  sexual  and  financial  

through  thought,  word  or  deed:    Please  help  us  all  forgive  each  other,  forgive  ourselves,  

forgive  all  people  and  all  people  forgive  us,  completely  and  totally.    Please  and  thank  you

 

Please  Infinite Creator,  for  the  highest  good:    Lift  out  all  weight,  pain,  burden,  sin,  death,  

debt,  negativity  and  limitation  of  all  kind;  transform  it  into  your  love,  and  let  your  love  

flow  back  into  us,  filling  and  giving  us  all  complete  peace,  now  and  forever.

 

Please  and  thank  you.

Please  and  thank  you.

Please  and  thank  you.

 

Please  help  us  love  and  bless  each  other;  love  and  bless  ourselves.    Be  at  peace  with  each  

other  and  at  peace  with  ourselves,  now  and  forever.    Please  and  thank  you.

 

I did some rounds with this, and saw the energy in the village soften and become calmer, more peaceful – now the vengeance thoughts were gone, there were just deep grief left.

No resistance.

 

 

 

 

Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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