Healing the ancestral line

Long times ago, my daughter, then ten, was about to have surgery. I decided to tape the most beautiful music I knew onto a tape she could listen to when under anesthesia. I found that tape today, and I started to text M how filled that tape was with my love for her. I wrote from my heart, and when I read it through, I thought it sounded pompous and bombastic. I got a really strong impulse to delete it – but chose to wait a bit. Next time I looked at the phone, M had sent me 38 hearts.

As I sat and allowed those hearts to be received and embraced, it dawned on me that this fear of being “pompous” comes from my father – and his father before him – far away back. Behind is was a fear of being ridiculed while being innocent and straight ( and presumably not “masculine”.) I set an intention to return it to the original sender and all the related ancestors with my blessings and forgiveness.

This has been a deep healing process for me – and when I “sense into” the energy of returning it with love and no judgment, I can see and sense how that frequency lightens up and is healed far far back into my ancestral line.

So something to ponder about – ask yourself ” who does this belong to?” and if you “hear” a name or “see” a face, let it all be returned, with all the love you can muster for the agony of so much self hatred and guilt.

And may I invite you to have look at my three books in the right menu. “Hilaryon Stories” is the last one – a novel about healing deep old hatred with playfulness and music.

 

The Inner Attacker

I have for some years now been guided to work/play through old patterns of self-attack in the mind, that is mirrored in f.ex cataracts. I was in terror of those 2 cataract-operations but was clearly guided to have them, and through them I was led to deep and dark places that I believe i could have seen had it not been for these operations. I walked through those traumas while the doctor operated, and shared them loud, he listened deeply and i came out of it tremendously grateful. And he beamed with joy too!

Now I recently had an urinary infection. It bled. I am 74. I gave a urine test to my doctor, she said “you got full pot” and told me I ***had to*** take antibiotics.

So I did – but I asked archangel Michael’s rays to go into those pills. The bleeding stopped instantly – but my right eye started to bleed instead.

And I heard: “it s OK to take the antibiotics- but the bleeding / the inner alarm/ will show up again until you are willing to practice with full intention.And YOU have chose to come to this point of no return, Leelah.”

I asked inside what this wanted to tell me, and I heard “old self attack.” I have had so many attacks from “outside” this life – really obnoxious ones – and have known that they have their origin in my thinking. This time I felt/sensed the energy of hatred and attack and wanting to kill in the left brain ( that governs the right eye.)

This is it, folk. No doctor for this eye – I – only the divine Self.

I was told to post this here – because we as humans all have this pattern of self attack – otherwise we would not be here. I invite you to play with me here: to set a clear intention of forgiving ourselves for these thoughts, these perceptions – and so sit with it in the way you are guided to: my way is embracing my wrong minded age old choice, forgiving it completely, embracing it, blessing the wound inside my mind and heart in whatever way it has manifested for me, and important: forgiving all the ways I have judged and condemned myself for being so “worthy of attack and punishment.”

There is a place in most of us that think it is simply “wrong” and deserves punishment. I have seen this part in all my art therapy patients/clients/students through 30 years, and gathered our healing paths and case stories in the books in the right menu: 25 years of experiences how God plays with us and smiles us through it all.

For now, I thank those who feel invited to participate in this glorious celebration of Who we are – when we willingly receive our inner attacker and bless him and forgive ourself for creating this pattern – this belief in separation, sin, fear and guilt.

I was also asked to ask personally for help – which I really need to learn if you feel so guided, I am sitting here meditating. I want this healed through the heart and not antibiotics this time.

With great love to all my readers here –

Blessings and big thanks for reading this-

I would love comments!

Solitaire or Self

Everything is coming to me to gift me

I’ve got an urinary infection – I bleed. I feel quite calm – this is not cancer – this is the past coming up to be given full awareness and compassion. I start sitting with it, breathing with it, blessing it, and it starts to talk like living thing – even a person. We become intimate, and I am a mother to it now, cradling in my arms, as strange as that sounds. I remember the way my body showed what could not be mentioned – the pain and agony in my lower body: not only abused by others, but abused and rejected by me – this is what we do when we are mishandled in any way –  blaming ourselves – the wrong person is feeling the shame.

Now, sitting with it tenderly – I breathe all the shame back to the ones who placed it on me – knowing that they too received this great inner pain from someone else – and that in the beginning, there is just confusion and ignorance, and we put a “me” on that – like it belongs to a somebody. It belongs to the thought system of fear – called ego – and now we can sort it out.

 

Another break with the past:

I want to feel the freedom and release I feel when I win a game of Patience ( that happens many times in a row these days ) WITHOUT depending on an electronic game – I want to find it while linking up with my Self.

With great resistance I decided to NOT play again, and intended to find the same peace without the Patience.

The energy is still reverberating through me as I write this – big waves, tensions slipping out, tears running.

Trapped in a Box of Stone

I am taking a 7 week course called Feminine Power. We have all made a commitment sharing on the Facebook-group-site from our power: “I commit to make every effort to show up in the group in ways that are aligned with this story of myself as a powerful creator, while at the same time making room for my own vulnerability and imperfections.”

My first longer post was moderated – and they let me know that it had to be MUCH more written from power.

It took me 14 days to find their post to me at Messenger – and their answers have been later than they promised – so this all has contributed to bringing me into an age old state of mind. I chose to look at it as The Universe’s way of arranging all for the best for me. Which I truly believe is true – looking at it with Christ’s vision.

I found that part inside that was in agony at being “ignored”,  outcast, black sheep, left out, feeling hopeless, powerless and angry at God and then herself, for surely she was  at fault for something.

When I found her in the body – this deeply separated identity – I saw her inside a stone-room- like the one Hildegard von Bingen sat in for years, by her own choice – to find God completely. What an exquisite metaphor for the ego thought system:  first we play with the thought “ what if we were on our own and created outside God/Love –” and then, in the shock of being in the utter darkness of lovelessness, guilt, shame and fear is born. Now there seems to be a small I who has to go through eons of years of struggle and suffering to reach the original Knowing  of Who we are. –while the truth is always only a choice away: I choose LOVE now.

I ask her two questions only: “What do you feel” and “what do you need” – and say back  “ I see/hear that you…” I want this old part not to have”comfort” – I want her to KNOW that I hear her without the slightest twinge of judgment – since this is what has worked best for ME in  life and therapy.

At first, I felt with breath and allowance the tremendous agony of living in that stone box for ever as a prisoner, left there to die  (not as Hildegard.)  When this inner part of me at least felt free to express the indescribable anger, venom and hatred at God – “for not thinking she suffered “enough” to be saved – it was a formidable breakthrough, the body was filled with light and tender warmth. Then the next step – to realize that it was really herself she hated and judged – for having failed God’s commands.

Now – I have been raised a Christian – so anybody who has been exposed to those dogmas of a wrathful and vengeful God have these beliefs deeply rooted in our mind: God sets standards and we must be punished for our own good. I recognize how much that belief has craved evidence for itself in my life –  that’s what beliefs do! If I feel unworthy, it is because somebody has projected on me  their own feeling of unworthiness and inadequacy – “ I am WRONG all through.” And so we go through life living it FROM this belief, and  therefore have it mirrored back at us everywhere –  as a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Any belief we hold does that – crave evidence for its reality. And we believe it is OUR reality – not just a false thought, believed in.

So my interest has been to find the common archetypes we all are driven by, and finding the “me” at the bottom of them needing to speak her truth and be heard and loved WITH those feelings.

At one point this night, I /she truly SAW how important it was for her to be RIGHT about her perception as being a victim and unjustly treated by God – since the opposite would have meant that the story she had told about herself and given tremendous meaning to, was really based on that God had dumped her and judged her and punished her atrociously in this life

All my suffering has come from IDENTIFYING with her / her story – calling it me and mine.

We are all formidable creators of our life – exactly the way it has turned out: something in our soul has chosen to explore exactly THIS horror you are going through – since you cannot love what you have not first embraced. And we cannot embrace as long as we judge. My childhood with group rape at age four – endless years with abuse and nobody willing to see and comfort – has led me step for step to embracing all of it.  I have truly seen that inside each horrible act from a predator, there is a terrified child believing in unworthiness and guilt – endless ancestral patterns brought forward to us and through us. Through this we are being trained well to find the places where we have – at least – WANTED to murder and torture another. Are you with me?  🙂  Forgiving ourselves for -at least –having rented space for those thoughts in our mind – forgiving ourselves for allowing them in –  allows for The Holy Spirit’s loving energy and thoughts to replace our old “tenants.

I dreamed that Stone Chamber up. – Now I can choose again – being truly forgiving of how much “me-power” there has been in this creation, and therefore how tenaciously parts of me hang on to it.

Finding them all, allowing them to come through in storytelling and playfulness is what I have been created  to help others to do – finding their own  creativity, playfulness and vast resources of healing.

What I love most is that its not possible to make anything “wrong.” When I meet wrong with play, healing and huge laughter happens

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Freedom from guilt

Epoch-making dream:

I am in this house, where my mother now lives with me. She returns late( or early in the morning) with many noisy friends, and I go ballistic in my self-righteousness: they are ruining the very small sleep-segments I have, how inconsiderate, how cruel!

At first I SCREAM at my mother – and she does not react or respond at all! She takes no blame! I am trying to hit her, but I don’t succeed  – I am not able to.

There is NO resistance in her – she fully knows Who she is. And she also give me no” oh poor you, you must be so tired.”

I now attack verbally her guests – two other woman and one man. I am spewing malevolence, and they start to answer back. The energy becomes very nasty.

I leave them and go out – and there is my bed, all white, the mattress  and duvet directly on the ice, now in the middle of a  vast frozen lake.

The two ladies and the man appear – and the atmosphere is quite different. The one lady smiles radiantly to me.

I am having a cataract-operation tomorrow, and have visualized how I want it to be – all sunshine and love and caring. For the first time do I realize how much repression there is in that – and that the invitation now is to just allow people and things to be as they are – and me too. But – and it’s a big but – I don’t need to see them as guilty or grumpy or nasty or unfeeling etc – I can and will bless them in the integrity of their being.

That decision relaxed me enormously. There is no pushing from my side now, for a certain behavior from others for me to feel safe. I AM safe.

I realize today that every time somebody has answered irritated or angry, I  – or a child-part in me – have deep down believed that they do so because there’s something wrong with me – deep unconscious guilt.

Today I see that they lash out because they believe deep down that THEY have done something wrong – are guilty.

Just as I thought my mom and her visitors were at fault that I could not sleep – no, I was at fault, believing that I am full of guilt, expect to be punished and therefore harbor attack-thoughts. I saw attackers outside, but they were really my own self-attack thoughts, projected outside.

As The Course tells us all humans do.

Is somebody seems to attack me or accuse me or blame me, they are feeling bad and projecting it on me. The only sane response is to bless them.

This has been a very peaceful day.

Sunflower in September

New experiences re the False Helper Syndrome– which is to me an unkind label: I prefer the Utterly Confused Helper. I am still using The Core Transformation process.

I have found that the defense parts are really willing to draw back and allow space when I acknowledge how life-saving they were when we put them in charge. Today I had a 30-40 of them sitting in a half circle 30 meters away. They had popcorn too.

I have found that instead of wants and desires, often needs are offered. I am working at finding the distinction between them.

The first need was:
I want you to fully listen what I feel and need – without saying ONE thing in  defense and without touching me.

next:

I want you to see when I am happy and let me be happy without commenting.

Next: I want to see that you feel/are safe, so I don’t need to take care of you. I want to KNOW that you have all the resources you need to feel safe and adult. Only THEN can I know what I feel

These steps were adamant for her to start going deeper:: first feeling anger/ rage – and then to be seen in her terror and fear, and never to be held: there is a deep understanding in the confused helper that as soon as s/he is HELD, s/he will feel the needs of the other – and her mandatory rule is “The other ALWAYS comes first when it comes to needs.”

I recently had an experience with a beloved friend – she is a psychiatrist – and when I expressed an agony she immediately embraced me – HARD – I could hardly breathe. All my self-awareness went swoop into her.

So there is a super strong automatic in the energy shift here, between a confused helper and the other.

The next next deepest desire or need was: “ I want you to acknowledge that you did not WANT to see what happened to me – without ANY explanations and any “OHHH I am so sorry” at all. As long as there is guilt, I will have nothing of it.”

The next deepest:

That you SEE Me – the Self – see the goodness, the love, the patience, the wisdom, the tenderness in this Self. That you see that all this happened, it is over, we don’t need to play these roles anymore. DONE

The deepest: That I KNOW with all of me that my worth is intrinsic, and never depends on how I help and serve others.

THERE was  and is the Peace of God.

The sunflower – I discovered it yesterday. It blooms right in front of my face when I go out – and it stands under a bush, so it has to bend forward  and then bend up  to catch the sun. What is so beautiful to know that somehow a sunflower seed decided to root there – and how did it get there?

Wolf Hunger

I went through a process that Sarita Premley taught us yesterday (Way of Knowing-students.)

The repeated question to the part goes something like this: “
a)”What do you *get* from acting like that?” and then ” b)when you have that,what may be even more important/wonderful to have – the deeper level of that-?)

Here are the stages of consciousness I found in the part that carried (and carried out) the pattern and energy of the Wolf-hunger.

1.answer: the need to be free from others’ influence. A kind of safety.

2. Freedom from “you shall you shall you shall you must you must you must you ought to! OR ELSE!!”

A lot happened in the body after this. Lots in sinus, big hiccups.

3)Embodied sense of protection.

4)Safety-feeling

5)Absence of all the demonic images this part sees ( let’s call them Fufus – that removes a lot of energy from them. If you are interested in processes that heal your relationship to fields of fufu-consciousness,my book – see below – describes a trustworthy path, well walked by me and my patients and students.) Even though I have healed this, there are still parts of my subconscious mind that have not –

***Insight: the tension behind my eyes might be just this – the urge NOT to see these images, and the conclusion these parts have made about themselves: “I must be awful, sinful, guilty etc.*** This insight instantly frees up a lot of tensions.

6) Feeling free from others controlling me. Autonomy. Me being the one who decides.

7) Inner peace

8) Deep KNOWING that the decision is mine.

9)KNOWING that I am free – that my mind is free!

10)KNOWING who I am – my true nature

11) Sovereignty.
At this stage, my mind overflowed with LOVE and a recognition that this is my Source or Core.

When the part has reached down to what we call a Core-state, breathe and stay there, receive it fully. Reminding the part that this Love that is here is there always, and can be reached/accessed without all these intermediate states. Available always – AS our true Self.

12) To the part: Now – when you know you already have this from the beginning – how does it make all this different?

***I know I cannot be manipulated for real.*** This LOVE is unharmed. I can choose to focus on this. And everybody else has the same freedom. I can choose to see through to this part in them – our essence.

At the end of the journey, the parts can now travel through the time line WITH the resource/Love and share it with all my other parts – and also travel back to the point before conception and bring this resource all the way forth, into the future.I did this – a great way of joy flowed through me.

I do not know if the wolf hunger has gone. But if there is some left, I will just repeat the process – the results were beautiful.

The book with these processes is called: Core Transformation by Connirae Andreas.

My book with mine and clients’ exploration of how to heal the dark fear parts of our mind: “When Fear Comes Home to Love” by Leelah Saachi. You find it in the right menu if you want to read more about it.

HIGHLY VALUED SPECIMEN FOR SALE – OUTWORN PLEASING PENNY

HIGHLY VALUED SPECIMEN FOR SALE – OUTWORN PLEASING PENNY
( from Madame Tussaud’s secret Museum of Lost and Toxic Relationship-Specimens.)

So endearing in her dead-beat condition
Pale gray dress frayed at cuffs and hem
Buttons hanging by threads or missing
Sensible shoes downtrodden, black and bloodied,
Shoelaces frayed and exhausted
The old sweet “I will save you” necklace with engraved letters
Flashing, communicating subliminally in code.
Overstretched grin, parading as smile
Chained to gritting teeth
And a heart that needs to be right
Above all

This is a great specimen
Well preserved in her exhaustion
Which makes her truly convincing
When you push her belly button
You may get a whiff of very special
Guilt
She comes with her own black-lacquered cupboard
With well-preserved and polished skeletons from
Her noble ancestral line
Extra:
Ear muffs in skunk for when you can’t stand her
“I know what’s best for you”-tone

The Elevation of the Divine Feminine

These days it is the male teachings that has moved me forward.) Two times lately when being in hell I have opened one of my wise-quotes-notebooks and always my finger has pointed at Israels long and intense teaching. NOW they are meeting me in this perfect place where I am fully ready 🙂
What a timing!
My inner male is receiving so much healing and rehabilitation these last weeks! My dream-men treat me with gentleness and affection, and a healthy sexuality is starting to replace the old kind, filled with guilt and shame
Last night (dream) I sat in the bus with a man who I like a lot, and just him spiderweb-soft touching my hand sent me into heaven – the atmosphere between us was playful and tender.
This night dream I was together with a big group, training in shamanism – and there was a grand big ritual in a circle where the male leader lifted me up so I sat on his shoulders ( this was heavy 🙂 and was done in two stages) and he carried me around the whole circle while I felt the love from him and FOR him and inside me – an acknowledgment of the Soul/Self’s mastery.
The collective male is lifting and supporting and carrying the collective feminine AT LAST
That makes me unspeakable happy

To all those with extreme traumas

I got trapped in an old energy pattern just now, and was led to open my book at random – and to share it with readers who somehow are being led to this blog, this post right now:

Deep pain in the chest.

It yells:

“I don’t want to be seen! I hate you! Go away! I will kill you!”

I am sitting with lesson 125 in the Course“In quiet I receive God’s Word today” – and I hear: “ These are the voices of the guardians you created around the little Leelah-identity. In her worst moments, out of deep guilt and shame that she told herself that she WAS, she cried out inside her self: “Hide me! I MUST NOT BE FOUND!” Guilt was speaking – and she was fusing with the guilt, identifying with it – and when she cried out from this fear-identity, fear-creatures/entities came and told her “we will protect you – if you will allow us to use you.”

Of course she took that offer of protection – and the entities used her as their source of food or energy.”

I know this is true with all of me. I speak:  “I am the source of this. I judge you not. I extend forgiveness to myself for what I have made.” I ask Michael and his army for help to guide these entities back to where they came from, and as I say this, I am shown that I have attracted these false protectors into all the body’s openings.By calling for them, they have come. Fear called for fear and darkness, and called from darkness – identifying with darkness/guilt/shame.

In this NOW, I am listening to God: “Now breathe into that heart-space. It is open now.” And then it happens: I see a black silky Tarantula leg hesitantly moving out – I feel terror – and realize in the same second that this has been the very symbol for fear for me – as for so many. “Beloved Leelah, you are not a spider,” I tell her – and gradually the heart space warms up, and I see her: scared and confused – but freed from the spell and fusing.

“Be patient” says Blue. “There are many layers here. The nervous system will need some time to adjust, the old habits and beliefs will try to re-attach themselves – you have believed this to be YOU for almost 70 years. From now on, we ask you to intend to recognize the old patterns when they come – and for you to realize it is only an echo, and that you can let go of it.”

When I was 11 years old, I was taking ballet-classes – and I still remember some of the steps in an Italian Tarantula I danced – with a Tambourine, and a light blue short dress

Going out in the sun now

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Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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