Squiggly Dance for Sorry Asses

I have had the Hater’s shrieks in my ears constantly for over a year.

Writing a poem about it has been very helpful! And also making up new words.



Tis the voice of Green Hater. I heard him declare:
I am coming to shock you, now please be aware

that I could not care less, no  in truth do I swear

I despise your meek manners, your silverlipped tongue

and your drooping eyelids and songs long unsung

I will come in broad daylight and scare you  quite shitless

I’ll mock your big bum and your wit that is witless

You nincompoop sorryass, daftness itself

I will see you for sure in your innermost hells

where you mope and you moan and you scratch yourself red

and your innermost hope is to drop down all dead.


Tis the voice of the writer, I heard her declare:

Oh Hater, I say; be aware, be aware

of my silly-spun heart and my giggly air!

I will spin into rhymes every threat that you throw

ev’ry dullwinded shriek, ev’ry word tasting..OH!!

I will force you to dance with me, following steps

that you never have stepped in your life, little qweps.

I will force you to do what you never have done:

dance to your own silly threats – oh what fun!

I will unnerve your nibs, I will squiggle your goggles

And then then let us have us some heartily bubbles!


Mirrored by my cat

The more I do the STT,* the deeper and more primal the results. And my dreams go right to the basics. This morning I awoke after dreaming about my (deceased) cat Cleo.She came from behind and expected food, which I had ready for her.
When I awoke, I asked what this is about – what does she mirror for me?

Cleo was rejected from her mother as very small – 4 weeks. She was denied nourishment, just like I was – as 4 years old, my mother “died”for me : after a group rape in a wood when I returned, it was not allowed to talk about it – and so there were signals that this did NOT happened – there were no comfort,support,validation – just the underlying message that “there is no place for your feelings.”

There must have been hundreds beliefs and conclusions forming to help me cope and survive – and hatred was certainly one of them – hatred is active. So I hated my mother first – and since that was not a valid solution, I turned the hatred on me – and THEN I repressed it and denied it.

I saw clearly this morning where all the psychic attacks has come from – this hidden hatred at Self has invited in it – the frequency of the hatred naturally attracted more of same frequency.

So back to Cleo – the first week, each morning, she climbed my lap and for about ten minuted she talked to me with her voice, and then jumped down.

Then she started her teachings: when my daughter and I sat in the sofa, Cleo jumped up on the top of the sofa behind us, and hissed and put her claws in our necks. I asked myself that time what that mirrored, and saw that she mirrored my anger – but i did not realize then that it mirrored my unconscious anger at my daughter. The repressed anger I had for my mother I now projected at my daughter: I hated her for not being a mother to me, for forcing ME to BE a mother, when I felt like a four-year old. All of this was repressed of course.

After 7 months Cleo got pregnant with 4 kittens. We kept one – and from day one Cleo hated that daughter. She never would be patted, she never sat on our lap, for as long as her daughter lived. She was mean as hell all those years.When her daughter died, 13 years later, Cleo instantly claimed her place again – now she was the ONLY one. After 13 years we were allowed to pet her and hold her.

I did a STT on that inner four-year old haterer, who lived in the bladder. When she  – that inner part of me – saw how Cleo had mirrored her own hatred and wish to be prioritized, the dams of anger broke,and when I honored her deeply for holding on to all of that, the dams of tears broke. After 68 years I truly embraced that 4 year old with her immense hatred -all judgments GONE.

There were angels around us then and for as long as the STT lasted, and she saw that the LOVE was stronger than the hate.

I realized how much that hidden hatred had attracted more abuse,and dark visitors and demonic material. And working and exploring that for 25 years with my clients and myself, led to me writing  When Fear Comes Home to Love, in the right menu.

The dream and the work with it  – and STT this morning –  is a great conclusion of this work: It is not the hatred in itself that creates “the evil” and the dark attacks – it is our judgments at the hatred, the shame, the feelings of unworthiness it creates – and our identification with these feelings. Merging is a good word.


  • Spontaneous Transformation Technique

One perfect thought

One perfect Thought…

A little poem by my brother Bernard that truly tries to capture the feeling of lightness and wonder when we discover how simple this path really is…

One perfect Thought

All I am ever faced with is a thought.

There is nothing else out there.

No lying mechanic, no cheating supplier.
No slow-paying client or unfaithful spouse.
No awful weather, no miserable day, no nagging, demanding children.
No inefficient government employee, no empty fridge, no broken supermarket trolley.
No lack of parking space, no weak coffee, no aging skin.
And no rampant fever or uncontrollable disease.

They are not there.

All I am ever relating to is a thought.

A simple thought about these things appearing in my world.
Oh, they are there. But just as images.
Take away the thought,
The thought of vulnerability, of hate, of viciousness and murder,
The thought of sadness and deprivation, of outrage and despair.
The thought of loss and lack and want.
Of guilt and burning shame and sinfulness.
Of incapacity and hopelessness.
Of failed redemption.
Take away all these thoughts, just let them go,
And what is left is purely an image.

Oh, and something else, quite magnificent. Quite extraordinary, and beautiful.
Take away these thoughts,
And a Thought reveals itself to me.
Not a superficial, insipid and manipulative thought,
But a majestic, illuminated Thought,
One of bounty, happiness and perfection.
A veritable Presence.
Not just a thought, but a feeling, an experience, a Life.
No, even more than this.
An entire World appears before me.
But now a world of beauty and peacefulness,
Where all things lie blessed in a calm that extends outwards
And reaches to all corners of the planet,
All parts of the Universe.

There is no hatred. It is not there.
There was just a mistake, that is all.
A mistaken vision, an awkward, inaccurate perception.
In all appearances of horror, shame and despair,
That magnificent, calm Presence lies waiting.
Ever so calm and patient.
Happy. Smiling.
Gentle beyond words, accepting beyond hope,
Beyond all my dreams of acceptance and salvation.
I am saved. I was never lost.
I was an image, and now I remember Reality.


Bernard Groom, author of Paulo and the Magician, a guidebook to A Course in Miracles

Seeing through dream-phantasms

This morning I had two dreams which illuminated “root-emotions” in this life – and therefore, which turn up to be root-emotions that the ego holds to be essential in upholding a belief in the world as something separate from its Source.

In the first dream, there is a clash between my daughter, then 10-years old, and me. I realize that she has done /said something out of a hidden hate – and I respond by a vicious hate and threats: – “You are no longer my daughter!” When I wake up, I recognize that the hate this “dream-daughter” is showing me, is a hate that I have projected into her from she was born: the hate of being rejected by my mother after a catastrophic group rape when I was 4. This hate was never consciously owned by me before now – and because my daughter in the dream expresses it now, she gives it back to me: “look, this is what you gave me.”

When  I own this hatred – the small self’s hate when it believes itself to be “cast out” – I sense a big change in the holdings around the heart. I am lying in bed and welcoming the waves of intense hatred, and knowing it to be nothing at all – and thanking my daughter for carrying this unconsciously for me and telling her that I’ve got it now. Big release, feelings of intense gratitude.

Now wonder she has needed to have so much control. No wonder I have needed the same. And beneath the psychological story of “me” and “her”, there is the original fear and hatred of the ego after the belief in the tiny mad idea of separation. It feels relieving to freely and willingly allow the fear and hate to flow through “me” now: it’s not serious, it’s not a “me” attached to it.

I sense there is something else beckoning to be allowed into awareness too, and invite it to come. I fall asleep again and dream of my late husband Kip, 25 years older and quite a father/dominator-figure in many ways. This time I am aware that he has produced a big show of threats through his special ability as illusionist ( he really was a pioneering illusionist in international  European theater in the  50-ies:-) Now, I look up from a huge room into space – and there an enormous monsters floating down to us: Rhinoceri, crocodiles, snakes, and also monsters I never saw. But the thing is, I know they are fake – and yes, there it is again: the knowing that I am dreaming. So I allow them to float down to me – quite close now – and they look very convincing alive, and even move their legs – but I hold out a finger a just push them lightly away:  I know they’re just a blown-up phantasm. They float pass me, and I feel so relieved I did not fall for the illusion.

Later, I am in Kip’s arms again, experiencing his vast charisma and attraction – and sense an overwhelming ache of jealousy at the thought that he might be in love with someone else than me.

I wake up in this sensation of jealously – and know it is the original fear of “being dumped” by God because I was failing in some way. I am aware of how powerful it is to give jealousy our belief as real – it feels all-consuming, as long as I believe in the story about it.  No wonder people kill because of it, when they allow it to own them.

I present to Blue all my fears and beliefs presented in the two dreams and ask to have them corrected. It feels wonderful to ask to be corrected – I am SO willing!

Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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