Mirrored by my cat

The more I do the STT,* the deeper and more primal the results. And my dreams go right to the basics. This morning I awoke after dreaming about my (deceased) cat Cleo.She came from behind and expected food, which I had ready for her.
When I awoke, I asked what this is about – what does she mirror for me?

Cleo was rejected from her mother as very small – 4 weeks. She was denied nourishment, just like I was – as 4 years old, my mother “died”for me : after a group rape in a wood when I returned, it was not allowed to talk about it – and so there were signals that this did NOT happened – there were no comfort,support,validation – just the underlying message that “there is no place for your feelings.”

There must have been hundreds beliefs and conclusions forming to help me cope and survive – and hatred was certainly one of them – hatred is active. So I hated my mother first – and since that was not a valid solution, I turned the hatred on me – and THEN I repressed it and denied it.

I saw clearly this morning where all the psychic attacks has come from – this hidden hatred at Self has invited in it – the frequency of the hatred naturally attracted more of same frequency.

So back to Cleo – the first week, each morning, she climbed my lap and for about ten minuted she talked to me with her voice, and then jumped down.

Then she started her teachings: when my daughter and I sat in the sofa, Cleo jumped up on the top of the sofa behind us, and hissed and put her claws in our necks. I asked myself that time what that mirrored, and saw that she mirrored my anger – but i did not realize then that it mirrored my unconscious anger at my daughter. The repressed anger I had for my mother I now projected at my daughter: I hated her for not being a mother to me, for forcing ME to BE a mother, when I felt like a four-year old. All of this was repressed of course.

After 7 months Cleo got pregnant with 4 kittens. We kept one – and from day one Cleo hated that daughter. She never would be patted, she never sat on our lap, for as long as her daughter lived. She was mean as hell all those years.When her daughter died, 13 years later, Cleo instantly claimed her place again – now she was the ONLY one. After 13 years we were allowed to pet her and hold her.

I did a STT on that inner four-year old haterer, who lived in the bladder. When she  – that inner part of me – saw how Cleo had mirrored her own hatred and wish to be prioritized, the dams of anger broke,and when I honored her deeply for holding on to all of that, the dams of tears broke. After 68 years I truly embraced that 4 year old with her immense hatred -all judgments GONE.

There were angels around us then and for as long as the STT lasted, and she saw that the LOVE was stronger than the hate.

I realized how much that hidden hatred had attracted more abuse,and dark visitors and demonic material. And working and exploring that for 25 years with my clients and myself, led to me writing  When Fear Comes Home to Love, in the right menu.

The dream and the work with it  – and STT this morning –  is a great conclusion of this work: It is not the hatred in itself that creates “the evil” and the dark attacks – it is our judgments at the hatred, the shame, the feelings of unworthiness it creates – and our identification with these feelings. Merging is a good word.

 

  • Spontaneous Transformation Technique

Inner sculptures

Later yesterday I read more in my old journal in my Expressive Arts Therapy training –  29 years old – and found an exercise that used bodies/persons to sculpt inner feelings.

We were told to find an “inner sculpture” for “me.” I saw a person who knows “I am holy” and a dark being who point his tongue at that person – and a little child who sits close to them and want to be seen and held – an in front of this sits “Nirvana”.

She is present always. All is well. All is allowed.

And I saw that what that person in yesterday’s blog thought she needed, and that manifested as that “dark figure”, ridiculing the Holy – was that Boo-boo’er.

And that it all was all right – as it was

I am eternal Spirit – whole and complete and innocent. I have a bodily experience where my soul has chosen a scenario to explore – in order to learn to see through it to the shining Source at the center. Only when I have stopped judging the feelings can I see that what seems to happen happens in a dream – and that I, as Spirit, is the dreamer.

All I want is to wake up and truly KNOW myself as LOVE. As I get closer, all the old wounds open up for me to see them and see through them to the LOVE behind. In the night I could so lovingly see through the huge amount of self-hatred in  my soul – for not being perfect, for not being as “others” wanted me. And I saw that behind any dark  and violent feeling and act, there was an innocent yearning and need to be loved. Just held.

My daughter has played out all what I needed. She has been my greatest teacher. When she was small, and I was taking all my trainings and learning a lot, I remember I wanted to demonstrate EFT on her. She vehemently protested.

This night I saw why: she wanted me, not a “method.” She wanted nothing between her mother’s love and herself. She wanted to be held, and to be told that she was perfect the way she was, and that I loved her exactly as she was. And that I saw the truth in her and about her. She wanted me to express this with all of me, so she could believe this about herself.

And so I saw that the hatred we both had – to our parents and ourselves – came from innocence: we made a wrong conclusion that we were wrong, at fault, when our parents were crazy. We judged ourselves for needing comfort and love. We told ourselves that it was wrong and not possible, and that the only way out – that our parents demonstrated so perfectly – was to be hard on ourselves and trying to “better” ourselves and never complain – or need anything. Any inner need had to be met with hatred to kill it, anesthetized it.

I sat with this energy that I have judged for eons until it lightened – and asked Holy Spirit to replace my wrong-minded perception with His .

The dark boo-booer tried to intervene. I discovered that I didn’t want to be hard on myself any longer – no value in it. The silence that came was beautiful.

I recognize it is a habit, and that I need to be vigilant when “he” is there again to “save me” from hoping and open to love and being tricked and crushed. That is the old story – and I am free to choose again: each time he comes, is a new opportunity to choose LOVE instead

 

The Bodhisattvic vow

This post “The Bodhisattvic Vow” is from my book “When Fear Comes Home to Love.”

You may recognize yourself. If so, wonderful 🙂 AND I want to add something to the chapter today:

“If you  claim something for your”small”self – like healing-abilities, success and talents –  be certain to correct yourself  quickly and give all praise/success to Source/Self/God. Only when I remember “of myself only I do nothing” –  will I be free. Only then you will be able to allow all human pain to flow through you and then OUT of you. I talk from deep experience here: my ego has loved the praise I have received for the art and the healing that has come through me, and that I have chosen to give expression to. There is GREAT temptation for the spiritual ego to claim that for itself: “I” did that. I am so special!”

The truth is that all healing happens only when this “I” let go and simply allows expression to flow through.” The inner artist knows that – and still my ego can grab it, it happens quick as a lightening.

Lately I have watched myself as a hawk to stop it when it happens. The great reward of doing this is that then the collective pain can not stick to me – it simply flows through and out. I am no more a flypaper for others bad energies. And when I DO identify with it – “Oh it is ME they are talking about” -I attach to the pain and subconsciously think it belongs to me.

If you have comments to this, please post them (also) on the page where I present my books more fully – click on Q&A

https://leelahsaachi.wordpress.com/

*

Here it is:

The Bodhisattvic Vow

In Buddhist tradition there is a loving pledge to truth: the sacred vow of commitment called The Bodhisattvic Vow.

A Bodhisattva has pledged her/his life to the healing and benefit of all sentient beings, and refuses to leave this plane of existence until we all have awakened to our true nature.

The Bodhisattva, being awake, knows that pain is not destroying What and Who we really are, and will act as a vessel of transformation for others’ pain – carrying the burden, letting it into them, willingly.

In Buddhist tradition, by exploring suffering, letting into us and through us – the opposite of denying it – we attain awareness – pure beingness. We transcend matter by going deeply into it without resistance – we are filling the wounds with light. We may allow the pain, the hatred and the grief to move through us, witnessing it and allowing it. By bringing healing to the archetype of hatred and Fuckeat,* we find the sacred essence within: the longing for love.

But:

We only transform darkness by choosing to do so, consciously – and we can only do this when we often enough have experienced that we will not be destroyed and annihilated by the darkness – and that we are the Loving Space that the pain can float in.

This Space is the opposite of that which Bird* occupies: Bird wants to save others in order to avoid responsibility for her own darkness and pain. And this is said without any judgment at all: Bird does what she does as long as she perceives her fear to be stronger than her love and light of spirit.

The Bodhisattva knows that time and space are components of the mind, where only this NOW can really exist. In this NOW everything takes place, in this NOW all pain in all time can be touched and healed by merciful awareness.

The only healing way to meet darkness and “evil” is by loving it. That does not mean condoning it. You can only love it when you look at it with the eyes of your Self. You can only do this when fear is absent.

You discover that what you haven’t blessed and forgiven, you cannot let go of.

Bird has a psychological pain, belonging to the personality and ego: a wound that has to be recognized in order to be healed. The Bodhisattva deals with THE pain – humanity’s collective pain – letting it be released through herself, and recognizing this Self to be Spirit.

The fact that my therapist and supervisor, aside from being a specialist in psychology also is a practicing Buddhist and a wise and loving man with a big heart, made it possible to explore the karmic pattern which became visible during therapy. Three years into therapy he insisted that I must have given a Bodhisattvic Vow in a former incarnation.

Small mind flatly refused the idea at first – why would I want to take on other people’s suffering? I have more than enough with my own, thank you! Then my ego blew up like a balloon: “Wow – I must be really good and special.” But since the favorite game of my ego is to degrade itself, it did not let me keep the nice feeling of being more special than others. So, I put it out of my mind: “Omar, you are really far out there.” But Omar didn’t budge. Time and time again he pointed out: “There. That is part of the vow.” And slowly it crept into my consciousness that it was VAST MIND Who had made that decision – not my ego. Something in me relaxed tremendously and recognized it.

Some days later, I sat meditating in the morning. The air was clear and bright outside the window. A vast space opened within me and around me. I asked: “Is it really true that I have consented to use myself in this way, to the benefit of all?”

In this moment, a great expansion happened within. In tremendous speed did I expand and become Light. I hear my Heart answer: “YES. At last you know.” This YES floats through me and relaxes all tension. In this moment, as I accept my choice, there are no tensions and no resistance.

The Heart continues: “As long as you see yourself as a container, a vessel for darkness, it lightens. It is sacred work!”

As I truly accept that I have given the Vow, my energy-field changes. It feels like a lot of dust has been whirled up around me and now it sinks to the ground and leaves clear bright light and space around me.

And from now on I recognize the “old” Bodhisattvas among my patients. Nur is one of them. Here is a healing story from a session:

It is close to the end of the session. She is doing a dance. Suddenly she stops – the atmosphere changes. It feels sick and toxic. She exclaims:

“I see something… it is a valley. Oh, it is awful. Very bad. I feel sick.”

“Please examine it, tell me what you see. I sense that it would be a good idea to say: Whatever in me that is no longer serving the highest good for all, I choose to release to the One.”

She speaks with authority. “I see many American Indians… they are suffering… now they all melt together into an Indian woman… she grows old – becomes wrinkled – I see only her old head now – now her head shrinks! – Now she disappears into the light!”

Nur expresses how relieved she feels, and so is the atmosphere also: purified. Radiant.

I believe that this pain, this unhealed wound from the vast storehouse of human suffering, has now been healed through Nur – through her willing consent to serve its healing and hold its psychic content in her consciousness. What is needed is our willingness to let it pass through our heart, witnessing it and blessing it, surrendering it to the One Who cannot be divided.

© Leelah Saachi 2016 All rights reserved.

You may reblog this, provided you give links to this blog and credit the author

  • *Fuckeat and *Bird are two of the fear-archetypes I describe in When Fear Comes Home to Love. We unravel them to find their gifts, to see through their form to their sacred essence

Selfhatred – and Grace

For new followers:

I started this blog in 2010 as a way to be honest and vulnerable with what was happening to me,  as a sort of diary. A place where I could  help myself and also, by transparency, be of help to others, by just sharing what I experienced on my way to awakening. I forget easily, and it has been very helpful  for me to come to it and read what I have written earlier.

I am a student and teacher of A Course in Miracles, and part of this blog is exploring the blocks that I/humanity/ have put up between ourselves and our true nature – the Self. One of those blocks – or darker energies that we all have, is self-hatred – and under that, a deep belief in unworthiness.

Yesterday I discovered the light that came out of accepting the energy of hatred of a person in my past. That happened when I allowed the energy without judging myself for being bad.

Hatred is based on fear and separation – and still, when we place our belief in it, it becomes real for us. We start to identify with it and tell ourselves ( and are told by our parents/teachers/media from we are born) that worth is something that must be earned and not our true nature.

My spiritual practice is about finding those blocks – flushing them up – being with the energy of them without judgment, forgiving them – forgiving ourselves what we think they have meant about us – and let them go.

This deep deep did I say deep feeling of self-hatred – coming from the belief that we are unworthy – has many layers. This night I was graced with letting go of one of them.

For as long as I can remember, I have dreaded ANY appointment I have had with others – included  the social ones that are supposed to be fun. And with people I loved. Always there was this DREAD when I thought about it – and this night I asked myself, “what do I really desire? “To be happy” I heard. And then: the thought came: “Just BE with the energy of this dread. Relax, and breathe into it.”

All dread vanished, and Grace filled me up.

I saw that the dread was me trying my best for preventing myself from being happy – since the unworthy( me me me) must of course be punished and suffer to be saved. The unworthy does not deserve to have fun and enjoy life. And I thought, that may well be the reason why humanity believes that all joy must be paid with grief/sorrow – like it is a Law of Nature. It is a Law: a Law of separation, living as separated me’s in a world perceived by fear – minded perception.

I rested in my bed, allowing the energy of WORTH to come in – my birthright.It felt like ….the utmost simplicity…i need do nothing to have this – I AM this- I just laid there and allowed myself to be held by Love

The dream that came after this affirmed the shift in my soul: my father, who I have made into a monster, now was completely transformed – all the scary stuff about him was absent. I LIKED him. There was not more fear.

*

And now, another  sillybillynillywilly:

In the knickers of time
This was in the ancient times when time was inserted as a way to perceive for humans – and some person, it might have been me, who later created costumes for plays, got the idea to put knickers on time to make time more substantial – time was far too confusing at first, for the mind that was used to Oneness.
So knickers was a good idea, thought this person, and then time wanted more of course and demanded blouses too – and then wigs and gloves – sigh
time to undress time again I say

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Innocence

This journey of coming to a place of Innocence

Twice now I have written here – and twice the whole post has disappeared, even though I marked and saved it – and both times, that sentence of innocence comes instead 🙂

Thank you, Blue

Third time counts 🙂  AND I get that this is about knowing I AM on this journey to complete utterly innocence – like Jeshua talks about in The Way Of Mastery

Last evening I discovered that my bottom rock belief and fear is “I am the scum of the world.”
Later in the evening I started sabotaging myself again – many times – and discovered that “i” enjoyed being “punished.”

Big released breath: “i” liked the energy of being punished – it felt “safe.”

WOW

I have for years ‘known’ that ‘the punished’ wants punishment to pay off the horrid guilt it believes it carries AND IDENTIFIES WITH – but I never FELT it until last evening. There is a vast space between intellectually knowing and feeling, being present with.

Jesus showed me an image I have explored before: ‘me’ laying on a pedestal, young Mayan virgin being sacrificed by having my heart cut out while alive, and the priest who does it is Benjamin – my friend now.

What was new now was that i felt the pillar of all hatred and anger that he had in his face and soul when he lifted that dagger, and I looked him in the face -and I sensed that in the second before he killed me, I  took all that into me as ‘me.”

In this life, i have explored that same hatred/rage/disgust at women from my father’s possessed “Mr.Hyde” when he raped me as a small child – and thought that this hatred came from him.

But it has always been my* choice to create it and explore it and be on both sides of it – to find THAT which embraces it and transforms it. And fully knowing that all of it happens in this 3-dimentional illusory world that consists of our collective fears and beliefs projected out.  This is how Jeshua describes “the world” in the last lesson of The Jewel Course:

The things of this world will no longer hold any value, meaning, or purpose. For it is given unto you to understand that although this world was created in error (I speak not of the trees. I speak not of the clouds. I speak not of the blessed rain and precious soil of your Holy Mother, but of the world of ideas constructed based on the belief in and guilt for, Separation), that world is going to be corrected.)

And the thing is – when that energy-frequency  presents itself now, via others around me, I can embrace it – when I am ALONE.

So Benjamin and I will be alone now ( otherwise he comes together with a beloved friend)  and the fear is tremendous that I will feel this – AND IDENTIFY WITH IT.

And YES, I see that I have created this  to truly find the innocent-space to embrace it all, and see it dissolve into Light, which Jeshua says will happen to this “phenomenal” world, as we all withdraw our projections of separation from the planet.

And I choose: If I identify with it when he is here – I will accept and love myself just as I am – and bless the situation and let go of any thought that “i” have to FIX this.

 

*my choice: By this me is meant the ME beyond time and space, the “spirit-me.”

 

 

 

Velcro

7 October 2015 Velcro

When Peter and Mary visits, and Peter starts his thunder speech against Christians/bad parents whatever, I sit there silently simmering, because the energy of it feels terrible and I can’t stop it.

But The Course tells me that he is such a great mirror for me – so now, one day later, I choose to deal with it ( in this second, a shimmering colorful butterfly flies past my window, not minding that it is October.) So- what do I hate and condemn?

Giggle – I hate and condemn his hating and condemning

When I resist what somebody says, I make energetic hooks where the others’ energy gets stuck- like Velcro. When I change my part of the dynamic, the other will too.

Pema Chödrön, in her book Fail, fail again, fail better says “The Tibetans say the quality no longer have your nose ring ( because they used to put a ring in the nose of the yaks, and then they could pull the yak wherever they wanted.”)

I’d like to use the word Velcro – the two sides of the tape that hook into each other. Both sides/dynamics are needed for the tape to hold together – and when I drop mine, it’s like when you try to have the “feminine” side of the tape – the soft, sleek one – adhere to itself, it can’t be done – just like the hook-side/the masculine/ can’t hook onto itself either – it must have an “opposite” to hook into.”

Hah! I like that analogue

And Peter and I have a super strong Velcro between us. My (silent) resistance and damnation fuels him, feeds him: what you resist, persists.*

But Peter is gold and I love him – I truly know his pattern is a gift to me. And when they have left (we had a lot of laughs too) I can tend to how I feel.

I sink into the heart, breathe, and wait. Ah. Judging and hating anything only drives it deeper into darkness.

Surrendering the idea that small-me/ego shall fix this – “doing”

Doing by non-doing, says the Heart – just breathe and let it be, admit to your feelings of rage and impotence and let it be – releasing any idea of intervention

It reminds me of what my soul sister Ley does: she reminds herself that (ac.to the Course) whatever she listens to by whomever, already has happened -it is already forgiven and released –and in this mode, she can listen to whatever for whatever time, which creates the healing space for the situation to un-velcro itself – no resistance ♥

Oh oh oh in this moment a little greenfinch lands right on the windowsill just 50 cm away from me, it feels like a caress – and something in the brain lets go – all encompassing beautiful gentle release – it feels like wakening from a terrible and very long dream

 

*

 What you resist, persists / Dialogue with Blue 1997/From When Fear Comes Home to Love

This is the second dialogue I had with Blue. He is addressing me where I was at that time: completely victim-identified.

Dear Blue – please explain the expression “what you resist, persists.” Are you really saying that we should not resist an attack – a rape, for instance – should we just give up all resistance and just lie down and be taken?

Let me explain. When you resist certain feelings, they will repeat themselves. When you resist being with certain people, they will pop up to meet you everywhere – because: those people whom you resist, represent certain aspects of your psyche that you still have not learned to accept. You have judged and condemned these traits within, you have disowned them. Your resistance toward these people is manifesting as disgust, anger and hatred – and since LOVE wants all to be loved, She sends you what you resist and hate, so you shall SEE it, accept that it is there, and send love into it.

 

A miracle of longing

This evening I was watching  “Call the midwife”. There was a woman there who reminded me so of my mother – her mannerism, her way of speaking and moving – and suddenly, simply, there it was – the longing for a mother. My mother. In one near tsunami wave it came, stayed for a little while, and then left. It was clear and straight and neutral: no stories attached. No emotions – just a lifetime’s denied longing for mother.

And it shows me how thorough the emotional healing has been; slowly gradually working/playing through all the layers of disaster and hatred and anger, that I had placed between me and this longing – and now, it simply was there

Past

23 January

Wake up at 4am…usual crazy energies in the body. Inner Voice:

“You don’t need to go there anymore.”

Energies instantly gone – like a faucet turned off

Energies pop up around the vaginal opening. Voice:

“Maybe you don’t need to go there either.” Energies gone. Voice:

“Don’t drag the past with you. Let it go.”

I remember Emmanuel’s letter to me – by snail mail, 24 years ago:

“What to do about the nightmares – the times when it seems that darkness is to take your breath and life away? Simply know this: you are living a recall, not a current event. You are projecting out into the void a memory – fraught with terror, and a child’s experience – but a memory in distortion. What to be done? Listen with respect to what the wound is telling you, but never, never again believe it. What is needed now, is what was needed then – a presence of a loving and tender adult who can compassionately embrace the terror and remain in truth.

Dark spirits are simply dark memories projected from past to present. They seem to take form and hold power for exactly as long as you are willing to give them life. You cannot kill them with hatred. You can transform them with love.”

This morning – 24th of January – I also was prompted to flip the Course open, when the craziness was back and it did not disappear.How gracefully the Course always gives me exactly what I need to remember:

T-26.V.10. Would God allow His Son to lose his way along a road long since a memory of time gone by? 2 This course will teach you only what is now. 3 A dreadful instant in a distant past, now perfectly corrected, is of no concern nor value. 4 Let the dead and gone be peacefully forgotten. 5 Resurrection has come to take its place. 6 And now you are a part of resurrection, not of death. 7 No past illusions have the power to keep you in a place of death, a vault God’s Son entered an instant, to be instantly restored unto his Father’s perfect Love. 8 And how can he be kept in chains long since removed and gone forever from his mind?

T-26.V.11. The Son whom God created is as free as God created him. 2 He was reborn the instant that he chose to die instead of live. 3 And will you not forgive him now, because he made an error in the past that God remembers not, and is not there? 4 Now you are shifting back and forth between the past and present. 5 Sometimes the past seems real, as if it were the present. 6 Voices from the past are heard and then are doubted. 7 You are like to one who still hallucinates, but lacks conviction in what he perceives. 8 This is the borderland between the worlds, the bridge between the past and present. 9 Here the shadow of the past remains, but still a present light is dimly recognized. 10 Once it is seen, this light can never be forgotten. 11 It must draw you from the past into the present, where you really are.

T-26.V.12. The shadow voices do not change the laws of time nor of eternity. 2 They come from what is past and gone, and hinder not the true existence of the here and now. 3 The real world is the second part of the hallucination time and death are real, and have existence that can be perceived. 4 This terrible illusion was denied in but the time it took for God to give His Answer to illusion for all time and every circumstance. 5 And then it was no more to be experienced as there.

T-26.V.13. Each day, and every minute in each day, and every instant that each minute holds, you but relive the single instant when the time of terror took the place of love. 2 And so you die each day to live again, until you cross the gap between the past and present, which is not a gap at all. 3 Such is each life; a seeming interval from birth to death and on to life again, a repetition of an instant gone by long ago that cannot be relived. 4 And all of time is but the mad belief that what is over is still here and now.

T-26.V.14. Forgive the past and let it go, for it is gone. 2 You stand no longer on the ground that lies between the worlds. 3 You have gone on, and reached the world that lies at Heaven’s gate. 4 There is no hindrance to the Will of God, nor any need that you repeat again a journey that was over long ago. 5 Look gently on your brother, and behold the world in which perception of your hate has been transformed into a world of love.

 

 

At last being with the ultimate agony

Waking up with the habitual agonized desperate feeling.

Blue: Sit up, please. If we do this while you are lying down, part of you automatically slip into its conditioned space-out mode. And what you are feeling is precisely the feeling of agony and desperation – and the belief that this has something to do with you. ( I wrote belie instead of belief :))

I start to breathe deeply into it and the release starts. Big sickness comes. “Very good. Now you have opened to this the old sickness too. You did not throw up during the oral abuse since you correctly perceived they would see it as an offense – from the insane level they are operating from.

…Now the hatred is felt – good …breathe it in, be with it, neutral energy, allow it to release. Angels are here in great numbers, blessing the work, blessing you, praising you for your courage.

Sickness again.

Sweetie, that is also his/their repressed sickness at understanding what they are doing to their victims

Immediately the sickness becomes acute, and then abates. Deep gratitude for this amazing release-process.

Let me remind you that in this dream we all have experienced everything – and everything has been “done” to us – and it has not touched Heaven and Who we are.

I breathe and release and become sick and it passes, again and again. The legs start to hurt. I am told to put my hands on them and breathe, and to remove the labels “legs” and “hurt.” It abates .I “see” legs being crushed in a medieval torture-device. “There is no guilt in you now – so there is no pain.” I surely feel strange and strong sensations in the legs – but without them being “my” legs, and without labeling, it is able to be experienced and released. The underlying gratitude is immense. –“Put all thoughts and ideas aside now – about who you are. Come Home to your Sacred Self.”

I sit in a timeless space of Presence

I find some people I have held energies from, and blessing come through me: “I bless you in your capacity to feel safe and free in your connection to your Sacred Self. I release these energies I have held as means of holding on to grievances. My mother, father, brother… I release you from the roles you have played and mirrored. I bless you in your capacity to discover hidden disgust and self hatred and release it for good…and be happy. Amen.”

And then.

I get up.

And for the first time in at least 40 years does my body not feel like a rotten corpse. It feels light as a feather.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Working through an old story

Uncanny how we are able to direct the electronics around us to play on team with the lessons we need. My pattern is to have people treat me disrespectfully, come late to appointments, or “forget them.” This gives the old story a chance to insert itself on anybody I am communicating with in my surroundings. “This ALWAYS happen to me.” This time 2 plumbers acted it out perfectly for me.-I knew I was stuck in an old story, and had worked for a whole day with praying to see it differently, being willing to forgive myself for my creation etc. It was exhausting, and it felt like doomsday – death, almost.

What I truly need to take in, is that my phone also played along with my unconscious need to be unjustly treated. So when he came – ½ hour after he had set the appointment, after having moved it 3,5hours later, I was livid. My story was affirmed, other people were NOT to be trusted. I was NOT being respected. He could at least phoned and let me know! And this time I was not willing to pretend that all was well, so I confronted him with 3 breaks of promises, not meeting to appointed times. No more meek sheep.

He told me he had got no messages on his voice-mail and no sms’s – that was strange since I had sent 1 of each. I told him I had given him my cellphone nr, he said he had not got it. He said he had sent messages on my answering machine, I said it had not made a sound, and I was in the same room as the phone.

The communication was 1) at first a tie – both defended their status as unjustly treated and innocent accused – then 2) we started to listen to each other 3) then, as he told how a plumber’s day is very unpredictable – like suddenly encountering a leak in the wall and the work taking 3 more hours – ahhh that killed a lot of paranoia – and I could tell him “I made up a lot of stories there” and he smiled and told me not to do that – and his boss had 2 days ago got a little girl, so that’s probably why he did not answer my mails – jeesh I could get that – and suddenly I stood in a shower of light: that old vortex of hatred , guilt slinging and blame just dissolved.

And we smiled and smiled, and when he left he shook my hand firmly and looked straight into my eyes.

And now comes the clou: although I had sat near the phone when he called and left 2 messages that he was going to be late, I had not heard a sound. And that phone gives a loud sound. I found the messages after he left LOL

It shows me how much push it was inside me to KEEP the story and be RIGHT – but he was right, and it felt just delicious. I guess all that praying and practicing for hours had an effect LOL

It reminds me of a similar happening  last Saturday: I was in town, and a brand new schedule – shining white – announced the tram departures to the address to a workshop. A man at the station pointed out that that train had stopped going to my destination 3 years ago! Now it went only one station.Still, that schedule was brand new I tell you. THIS story was another old one: “I am always tricked.” And this time, the miracle was there on the station as this young man – how could he know I was not taking the tram for only one station? I asked him that, he just smiled and took that one-stop-train to the end station “ The Castle-garden.”

Nice symbol, don’t you think?

So I took another train and allowed HS to direct me. When I finally reached the destination of the Workshop, even the map I had showed a wrong placement  in the road.

All this shows me the power of the mind to project the exact illusions that mirror what we have chosen as our “reality.” And as shown here – we easily bend physical laws to prove that we are right.

Now I thank God for the force of that unpleasantness: if there comes a next time where I want to be unjustly treated, I will shudder and say “No thank you. I choose love instead-”

PS: That plumber was dressed completely in red. Only when I saw this image just now on Facebook did I understand the deeper meaning of the  lesson to day

10371674_10152478930488628_489972538140422147_n

Previous Older Entries

Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

%d bloggers like this: