Lonely Girl in the Heart Comes Alive

In the usual night agony, I heard a clear and no-nonsense voice: sit up right now!

I did, and in a king of whoosh I saw that the carrier of the agony energy was my spiritual ego – the one who has followed 10 Mystery schools  and  a zillion of trainings and and and and still feels this agony/rage/anxiety/death wish/killing lust.

It’s simply the whole “false” identity, the perceived “separate one” – the one who sees herself as NOT healed and worthy and a failure – she is ALL OF THAT.

And after reading Carrie Triffet’s last book – about the importance to completely utterly love the “subterranean self” – or those parts of us we have kept as a secret…that I fully acknowledge her presence, and realize how unavoidable it is to continue AS her. From now on relating TO her – is my intention.

Now, this night, I saw that I was asked to intend to LOVE ALL OF THAT – the whole old package of “the ego though system” as the Course calls it – all those parts of me that I had attached to those thoughts and called MINE and ME.

IT was strange to get up in the morning – it felt different. I could neutrally watch “her” and all her thought patterns – but they did not attach to me. That much. I witnessed her go bananas when she lost something on the floor – for the first time did I allow her to yell and curse and it felt just fine and NEUTRAL. No judgment.

She like very much to be praised for having been such a good girl – and I enjoy doing that, loving her, truly loving her, embracing her with what Carrie calls “the rose-golden Light.”

Bow this is weird and wonderful: the above in blue attached itself here ABOVE the text that I had composed on Word and copied. When I clicked glue in, it came too – helping me realize that what I wrote today was the continuation of the blue text.  Clearly  this is archetypal matter.

Lonely Girl in the Heart

 

In the middle of the Heart

there is a fog of woe and wonder –

so little known to itself,

so dreamingly absorbed in the

layers of illusion.

But look:

it’s floating in the Sun of the heart!

I am so lonely so lonely

and I do not know of my fears –

I sense them only when I am held

but very carefully, or I’ll burst into a million little pieces

someone has stolen my words

and my hopes

but my story is still here

under the layers of centuries.

I have a right to tell the story,

but who are the listeners?

A great light and soft love surround me when I finished writing the above, and a Voice speaks:

Child, listen – I am your mother, Aurora – Queen of the Heart

And I know that She has listened to it all

 

The inner Child is doubting that Aurora is real: “Please give me a sign, Blue – let me see this name within three days!”

Next day I read in the column for TV/radio: “Arcadian radio and The Arcadian Explorer’s editorial Staff continue their trip down Mississippi on the riverboat Queen Aurora.”

*

Today is 23.March 2020 – 22 years after I wrote the above, as a part of my book “When Fear Comes Home to Love”  – and I found the child, the Heart -and -body connection was made, and my whole experience of life has changed.

Before that, earlier today,  I sensed with deep grief that I truly wanted to be grounded – but there has always been something that refuses to be inside the body. I have sensed there is a root connection through my feet and the perineum – but I wanted the feeling/energy of the dissociated child  to be fully incarnated. I prayed deeply for help with this, and suddenly I KNEW that she was HERE – inside me – and the mother of all griefs burst forth. I have never cried like THAT before – completely new quality – now embracing all that loneliness.

Do you know what more is present:

My creativity – and two years of crazy wolf hunger is GONE

JUST GONE

The constant inner strong bumping pulse in the midsection – gone

So now I knew how I feel – and how SHE felt – so I decided to play with her with words. It felt like an adorable little girl of 4 years was present, a separate being – and I communicated with her just as I would do with a girl of flesh and blood.

It was very helpful to have worked with “parts” most of my 30 years as a therapist 😊

She has been behind the wolf hunger – and the impossibility to do anything creative and playful. Now she composed an adorable story about a pig who had the moon inside her and spread moonlight all over her surroundings.

I am aware that this energy of her needs time to solidify and integrate. Of course! Bless her!

 

I feel tired in a healthy way.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

On a blessed track

Got the message “I got to have this hit in the ribs examined.” I decided for the ER. I blessed the day and expected the best.

Walking out the door, a new neighbor was loading her big car with 4 kids and a dog. She offered to drop me off on their way to holidays at the coast -and told me that she was a police-officer, and was happy to be of help if I needed it.

WHAT A SAFETY. And what a symbol:-)

In the E.R, it was quiet and calm. Very non-E.R-ish. After a short wait,I was taken in to a female doctor. I sensed panic coming up as she examined the ribs – it felt like a huge disaster was looming. She thought it might be a fracture, not broken ribs. I felt dizzy and spaced out – but did not get what was going on until after the examination when she typed all the info, and one of her apparatuses started sounding like an alarm. She looked at the little machine, shook her head and typed more – and the thingy piped again and again. So I understood that it was a signal for me, not for her: I was in a state of alarm. Aha! I immediately picked up the ACIM-notebook I had brought and opened it randomly: ” Remember that each time you have surgery/visit the doctor/ your subconscious mind may believe that you are going to die.” The thingy gave one more little peep – was there more? “Tell her.” I told her about my Post-Traumatic-stresssyndrome, that I needed that she explained some things very slow and meticulously, otherwise a part of my mind was in panic. When she started to answer all my questions, it became clear that my fear of a ruptured spleen was not likely justified: the spleen, she explained, was placed safely UNDER the ribs, not below it.

Instantly I felt a rush of freed energy, and I started to yawn.  I forgave the “something” in my mind that had SO strongly identified with the vicious attacks when I was small, and had been frozen in an ongoing alarm-memory of being in deadly danger.

No more alarm-signals now – neither from the inner nor the outer. My mind came back from the spaced out realms, I felt clear and tired and calm. The doc saw my transformation. I thanked her for the patience, we hugged and she wished me good luck luck luck 🙂

As I walked to the bus, I was guided to open the notebook again:

“I wanted to get upset about something on the screen, (meaning in my world) and forgiveness is saying “Thank you for showing me this to my mind, thank you for letting me see this part of my mind. I am the dreamer, I am grateful that it is all a projection and falsity. I don’t have to change it, fix it, or strive or anything. That’s what the joy is.” David Hoffmeister.

The crash: a wake-up call

With my latest client, I sense myself being sucked into a mental vortex of ego: she wants so much to know what to DO in a situation ( she’s in love:-)

I know inside where we have reached a plateau – if I don’t tell her to stop and breathe at this place, something in me lies down and surrenders all her power to the client, just now being reduced to the nice and helpful and wise therapist-role. This is the pattern of surrender my inner child had: since there were no words acceptable to stop the crazy men, the pattern became to overcome it, to help the craziness by giving it what it wanted.

I see the pattern. I am not that: I am that which is aware of it.

But yesterday, I crashed. Hard. After the session, I went to the mall. I bought food and a bottle of wine. At the cashier, it dropped out of my hand and fell on my left big toe. I thought it was crushed.

When I looked at the toe at home, it was swollen and blue – and lots of blood had gathered at the place where the toe is attached to the sole of the foot. This place on the toe connects energy-wise to the neck-area: energy doesn’t flow freely there either.

So at home, I sat with the swollen toe in a bowl of cool water. I suddenly KNEW I HAD TO GET COMFORT and arose, walking to the phone. The foot was wet and slid on the floor – and I crashed with strong force into a chair. The chair hit me in the spleen/ribs – exactly the same place where I broke some ribs before.

I called my almost-daughter: my niece, who is also a physician and a psychiatrist. It brought down some terror, but I could hardly breathe, and the night was very awkward and sleepless.

Then – around  4 am I was certain that my spleen had ruptured. I packed a bag for the hospital, sat down and read the Course, finally found a way to just look at the stuff as it presented itself in the moment and allow it to be like it was. I also found Stephen Levine’s wondrous book “Healing into life and death”

http://www.amazon.com/Healing-into-Death-Stephen-Levine/dp/0385262191

The kindness in Stephen’s soul was calling on my own. I found a way to just be with it with mercy, and gave it to the Holy Spirit, being willing to be wrong about every one of the reasons I found for my pain. I went back to bed, and the pain seemed to have eased about 50%. I fell asleep for a couple of hours – and when I woke up, the ruptured-sense of the spleen seemed to have healed.

I saw that I had to mail my client and be open about what she could expect from me, and what not. I am there not to be a wise adviser, but to help people let go of the perceived blocks to their Self.

(The Levines have a wonderful website with old and new videos uploaded. Ram Dass is present on one of them. It costs  ridiculous10 dollars a month to subscribe, and you have all the videos for free.

http://www.levinetalks.com

Dismissing

I noticed this morning that the color of the roof-plates that I made a major fuss about, was exactly the same color as my neighbors’ plates. It is completely incomprehensible to me that I earlier could see my neighbors’ roofs as yellow, when they are clearly clear blue. It shows me how much I am still addicted to drama and problems.

But not really. I am very correctable, thank God. I found this note in one of my Acim-notebooks this morning. The word “dismissing” gives me such a help to understand a vital ingredient of the forgiveness-process: dismissing is just whiffing it away as not serious at all. It is making attack-thoughts not real: I am reminded I am not asked to do anything about them just dismiss them as not serious.

It works so well!

This is what Ken said – from question 590:

As for what else you want to do, your part is simply to continue to be aware of whenever your ego tries to step back in again and take control — for its voice can seem to drown out the Voice for peace. This means recognizing all the feelings of anxiety, apprehension, anger, and alarm, which may seem to be coming from failure to find a job, but are coming from failing to carry out the only job assignment we have in this world — forgiveness. And that means that we are taking ourselves and our attack thoughts seriously, whatever form they may take, whomever they may be directed against, including ourselves. And that’s the real cause of our fear, for unconsciously we anticipate retaliation, from God, for those attack thoughts. So bringing them into conscious awareness allows us to look at them and their source — the ego — and, with the Holy Spirit’s help, dismiss them back into the nothingness that is their source.

And that is the miracle. 

The old dear guilt

Today I discovered a clear link between bad conscience and giving. Thinking about the beggars in town – how often I have given them money out of guilty conscience – and how I  have a strong connection between the feeling of guilt when I see them and the impulse to give. How clear it is now: I have been giving out of guilt, not freely from the heart. I have allowed the guilt-feelings to decide when to give – quite automatically.This automatic response expressed in  giving must surely be the case in therapy-relationships too. As soon as we feel the pang of guilt, we try to erase it by giving/being nice. By we I mean me.

It feels like a cleansing spring-rain to decide that I want to be aware next time the impulse to give comes. Does it come from the heart, with no attachments or agendas at all – or does it come from  guilt?

 

the real source of guilt

Myron Jones yesterday reminded us in her blog that we don’t feel groggy, depressed and anxious because of what happened to us here in the world. We are feeling what we are feeling because of the unconscious guilt in the mind – which we project into the stories in our life. And then we can blame the stories/the past/ for how we are feeling in the present. In other words: psychology.

The only cause is the guilt. The stories/the past are our projection of the guilt.

There seems to be insanity in the split mind. There was insanity in my childhood. The insanity was acted out by adults in various ways. In my story, I was on the receiving end of that. Psychologically, the insanity is in my mind and needs to be worked with – as long as I believe that the body and personality is my identity.

But I am not a body. I am free. I am just as God created me. Myron’s post was intensely important for me to be able to at last place the cause where it is: in the guilt in the mind, and not in my story about a “me.”

All my explorations of Myths, religions, metaphysics, art, Mystery traditions, archetypes – beneath it all was the ardent wish to heal and be of help to others who also wanted healing. So, as long  as I worked psychologically within the genres that interested me, I was gaining a sense of disidentification with the story/personality – the steps taken were all leading me to this place: to really NOT believe in the stories any longer.

A clear plateau has been reached.

The stories are projections of guilt – and the forms of those projections are insignificant: they are all part of the dream of separation that I have valued as more interesting than being the beloved Son of God.

In the dream this night, I was driving around with an insane guy. I saw through his delusions, and told him I was not willing to drive him around anymore. Then he became nasty and threatening, and I woke up.

Suddenly it all seemed crystal clear: my childhood – and countless incarnations – is my projection of unconscious guilt and ONLY that. I saw my story as a dream, and myself as the dreamer. IT NEVER HAPPENED IN REALITY.There is nothing to fix: projections are projections, the form varies, but they all keep us away from the original guilt in the mind which needs to be forgiven, piece by piece, as it attaches itself to the people in the world I have judgments about.

Right now it is Mary: I mailed her and suggest we come together and communicate what we want and need in our partnership – and she does not answer.

Do I want to communicate with someone who does not want to communicate with me?

Do I just turn up at Skype, not knowing what will happen – and allow the Holy Spirit to speak through me?

This is clearly a classroom – and ego tells me how important it is to do it “the right way.”

And maybe both ways are OK – because I really want to do this with no one of us losing/”winning”.

Ah. In other words: whatever I chose, it is OK.

No respect -really?

The ego is calling me such a wuss.

Today I discovered that my doctor has never told me that I must NOT take my thyroxine the same day I take a blood test – because then the thyroxine-values will show too high, and the medication will be set too low. It was written with small writing on the test-paper.

I showed him – and he said, come back early tomorrow morning.

Not apologizing for having me take a long bus ride in vain. Not looking devastated at his fault. Did he not understand that I could have died, and it would have been his fault?? Ah,. I get it – he doesn’t care if i live or die. It’s simply not important.

Yes – this is what i instantly told myself. I told myself that I (my life)was not respected, not valued, just a piece of shit to be thrown in the garbage.

Looking at it with Blue, and seeing what a classroom this is, felt great.It did not take many minutes to see that doc had done me a favor – to get this old pattern up in the light to release it.

At the bus station, the bus driver exploded at a woman who was stressed. ” I am not willing to take this. Get off the bus! I am not driving until you leave! I will NOT take this!”

I forgave it. He showed me myself, and I felt tenderness only. People started to leave the bus – and strangely enough, another bus to my home was standing exactly behind the first.

I entered, the driver was in a good move – until later when he suddenly exploded at a young boy who did not move fast enough backwards.

Same energy. Same response of tenderness. Just another forgiveness opportunity: ego was doing its best to create situations to upset me.

All these so-called “errors” led to me being able to let go of this old theme.

It’s really all good.

 

samskaras

Last night, like so many nights now, there comes a tremendously strong energy/sensation in the body. It feels like it is controlled by huge forces. Body goes into cramps, it feels like crushed in a vice. I am not willing to just lie here and believe I am a victim of this any longer. I ask Jesus for help, and immediately got an impulse to roll over on my back and allow this energy to leave my body mind. I also heard “Samskara.” This is a concept my Buddhist-teacher found very meaningful – it’s like an imprint from deep unconsciousness.

My fear and resistance dissolved in a second, and there came a melting peace – at the same time as the cramps changed into something else.The pains just stopped being pain. No suffering, no fear – but the energies played themselves out as before, just now without any reaction to it.

It was a moment when I was completely fear-free. Even the fear of death was absent. All was fine as it was – even with these crazy energies/cramps. Gratitude was everything.

Later in the morning, it came back – and i  did not find the same way to relate to it.

*

And this day i got a letter from the Foundation that I was allowed to use all the quotes from Ken in my book, and ” We are so glad that you found such a healing way of working through the very painful experiences you have had, and that you have been able to to experience the peace that is our natural state as children of God.”

Boy does that feel good

(This is taken from Gurumaa’s website:

Q: What is the definition of the word ‘samskara’? Is it the karma which is earned from the past life?

A: Well, the word ‘samskara’ can be translated in English as ‘deep impressions’. It does come from our past life experiences and it is also what we are gaining in this life. In our childhood and even today, when we interact with people, our indriyas or sense organs are receiving so many stimuli, the conditionings, the deeper impressions which remain as residue in our subconscious can be called ‘samskaras’.

Speaking of Hindu masters,I want to share this delicious video. What a hugger she is.(The hugging starts at 2:30.=

Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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