The Left Eye

Lesson 9, Way of Mastery

It is not possible for you to taste death

This night, I  dreamt about my childhood house – it seemed that my parents were preparing to move out of there. There was a young boy I had never seen there – instead of a normal left eye, he had a bloodshot intestine there – awake, I saw that I somehow have instructed my intestine to SEE for me – the left part, the woman. Makes great sense for me . The boy’s name was one in my early school-classes – his last name resembles the word laborious ( Laboreaux, French.) So I honored those intestines, laboring for me, truly digesting what that little girl could not see if she would keep her sanity.

I realized that a deep default fear of mine was “ always be accommodating towards men, never show disrespect – and this morning it was clear to me that it was a BELIEF, not a fact.

Today was also The World Biggest Eye-contact Experiment. More than 58 countries participated.

On the bus to town, that fear of death made it very hard to breathe, I tapped on it, and also did the lesson 9 exercise – “it is not possible for you to taste death. I was one of the participants in Oslo, sitting there waiting for people to come and do a one minute eye contact. I asked them to look into my left eye ( soul eye.)  So 30-40 people have looked deeply into my left eye today. One cried deeply, ca 98% I felt a deep gratitude and love for – we connected deeply – and the last guy and I opened to such an ocean of pure joy that I will never forget it.

The first who came over, was a whole gang of black dressed youths,  maybe from Cambodia.One of them had a long yellow costume oer his black dress, with a black tip on his yellow hooded head. He was cocky, and I asked him if he was  a pencil…I am a banana! he insisted, and then he sat down. The boys were looking. The banana did a lot of shenanigans: he opened his eyes wide, blinked fast and spastically, it seemed he did it on purpose – it felt like a power exhibition. The more he did that, the more I adored him – the way his position was in that group, he probably was supposed to do that. But since I did not react, just felt more and more soft toward him for every second, suddenly he surrendered. There was a big shift, and he looked surprised. “Did you notice that? I asked, and he said yes, stood up quietly and they walked away.

So I may have changed a banana’s life today

Another guy started to talk and talk. I talked for a while, then listened, and then I saw myself in the old pattern – not daring to tell him that I wanted to NOT talk, because he would kill me. I allowed myself to tell him that I wanted to not talk. I hated it. He took it personally, I asked him not to take it personally . he told me he didn’t…and then he got his rucksack and wanted to leave, and I got up and hugged him and meant it – but still so convinced that my job was to make him feel good.

Now I think about it a LOT, and allow myself to feel the fear and knowing it is a part of death that I simply cannot taste for real, but I can embrace myself each time the paranoid thoughts come. I simply have to allow ME to wake away….big lesson, this. Sickening full of fear.

The third guy sat down and looked hard at me and told me “I am paranoid.” There was quite a lot of resistance there in the beginning, and then I told him “you choose to sit or leave whenever you feel like it. You’re in charge.” Very good impulse – there was a big shift, and then we both sat in that delicious ripple.

And only now, writing this, did I notice that that left eye that had giver her power over to her intestines to digest stuff, was today met by a whole bunch of people.

So only 1 guy was challenging – the other two “strange ones” I enjoyed – and the rest was pure Heaven.

It felt – indescribably beautiful

https://www.theeyegazingexperience.com/ https://facebook.com/theliberatorsinternational/videos/870998736396284/

To resist or not to resist, that is the question

For five days and nights now, I have been in Heaven.

Each judgment has been met with kindness – gratitude, even – because there has been a radiant clarity that this is only coming up to be seen, neutrally – judgments included. Each time I have sensed a resistance to something, the same instant gratitude has arisen too: this is here so that Christ can bless this part in the mind through me, as me.

The gratitude bowled me over: I saw absolutely everything that arose in the mind as gifts, as a place where I now accepted God into those places to do all the healing.

Today I seemed to be back to the old ego-ways. I found myself struggling with “problems” and having to solve them “on my own” – and only after all kinds of silly reactions from people and PC did I recognize where I was at. Just caught in the old pattern of doing things without God.

It felt difficult at first to get back to that joyous simple way of being again, but it worked. I reminded myself to relax into the tense places in the body and just hang out with whatever presented itself – and when resistance and judgments arose, I reminded myself that exactly that could be accepted as something that I DID NOT have to fix on my own.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

HUNGER

This post has been edited, due to a missing link – the iceberg, see below.

The human baby/child must be mirrored back from its caretakers in order for it to grow into a separated being with a “me” identity separated from others. This idea – that humanity has unconsciously and collectively agreed upon, and therefore has anchored in our soul, is one of separation’s cornerstones: I am alone. I MUST be loved. Lets’ call it The Deal.

Some example of world-laws/separation laws:

Time exists and makes us grow old and die. Sickness is a nature law. Fear helps us be safe.

In non-duality and A Course in Miracles, we are trained to realize the truth that is eternal and non-changing – and therefore becoming able to see the two thought systems “love/fear, and choose which one we want to listen to.

It has been my strange and wonderful experience many times to change a fear thought underlying a sickness-symptom, and as a result, having that illness and symptoms disappear in a moment.

(My cancer disappeared in one such moment: see “When I am healed I am not healed alone.” Link below. *

https://ninotchka44.wordpress.com/2011/05/17/lesson-137-when-i-am-healed-i-am-not-healed-alone/)

Born into a body and separation, we are dependent on other bodies: – again unconsciously collectively agreed on by humanity * We need our caretakers to mirror us ,to see us, to give us names for all we see: tree. Hand. Milk. And later: now you are angry. You are afraid. Healthy upbringing: and it’s all OK that you feel what you feel: I am here for you. Destructive upbringing: You shouldn’t feel like that, it’s something wrong with you.1.example: LOVE. 2. example: FEAR

I know beyond all doubt that I have chosen my lives down to the most minute detail – and that without them, I could never be where I am now – seeing through my creations, being willing to be willing to drop my interest in their drama (  still a working project ;)) and allow myself to rest in my true identity as Christ/The Son of God – which I share with everybody.

Right now, the healing has focused on a corner-stone of the collective delusion of humanity: I am ALONE and I MUST have love from OTHERS. As I see it, it truly upholds the separation. Nothing wrong with others’ love  – but that my sacred Self needs love from “others is false. Due to the Course and non-duality:” there are no “others” , only Love  – disguised as many and separate, mirroring back to us what we need to see, accept and forgive.

I am not trying to convince you or save you – I am sharing a way of thinking that is healing my mind and bringing me more and more frequently into the Peace of God, and the Joy that is eternally available there.

So this is a place where I  just share my wobblings 🙂

The latest theme is the underlying enormous urge to eat- to fill the perceived emptiness that we may have experienced when we first perceived ourselves as separate from Source. We sense the sucking void of the thought I have left Source, I am dependent on something other than meand this thought  we held to be an unavoidable sign of healthy upbringing: to be an autonomous ego/personality.

In this world that applies -and when this upbringing equals losing our faith in our spiritual being, we start taking fear’s hand and believe that it is safety.

So when I had the experience described in The Iceberg, I believed I was very close to death. I truly believe that if I had believed the thought “Now I will die” I would have allowed the heart attack in – but instead, my training into curiosity and wonder allowed me to choose to embrace the feeling experienced as dying: I MUST be held and seen and LOVED if I shall survive. It shook me to the core,and all through it the fear of death was there – but the longer i stayed with it, the less i believed the fear.

We cannot let go of what we first haven’t accepted and allowed = forgiveness. Choosing to allow the feeling, I did not accept the threat of dying – I did not believe in the thought, giving my power to it. And I truly believe that it saved my body from dying.

What has been demonstrated lately, today in a Skype session with Kit, is the inner hunger that arises when the small child is born into a family whose parents have not themselves had parents who felt safe and loved : I AM A VOID THAT MUST BE FILLED.

Immediately after this primal urge comes, THIS MUST BE HIDDEN – the child can not live with that feeling when it is clear that it can NOT be filled – so our own denial, just like our parents’ denial, creates this HUGE urge: I AM HUNGRY.

I remember a time where a boyfriend, my daughter and I visited a Christian retreat center for a weekend. The rooms where we should sleep were clearly belonging to children. So I asked the son in the house if this was his room – he said yes with a blank, far-away -look. I asked, ‘is that really OK with you?’ ‘This is how it is’ he said -‘ we always give away our rooms for the guests.’

We had driven the whole day without eating more than a little snack, I was ravenous – but what I was truly feeling, without being aware of it ( this was about 30 years ago) was that I was really picking up the collective “ I MUST  BE LOVED, I MUST BE NR.1 for my parents.” This belief at that center mirrored exactly mine( -and my boyfriend’s.)

So when the pizza came, I became nuts, and wolfed it in, knowing I must looked VERY ill behaved, but not being able to stop the primal feeling underlying in us all: I MUST FILL THIS VOID.

I was doubling the pizza pieces so I could eat them faster, since the underlying feeling of starvation was tremendous. All the time the thought: “I will die NOW if this need is not met.” I just did not see that this was not true NOW – it was an old feeling from a very early trauma.

The body does not know the difference: if it is triggered, it is triggered NOW

And underlying all my constant need to nibble and eat constantly lately,is that scream, wanting to be heard.

In the Skype sharing today Kit shared about her son behaving the way I did – to the degree of doubling the pizza and gulping it down. How wonderful to share that I had felt the same, and that his urge mirrors my urge and  her urge – and I guess, everybody’s urge, as long as we haven’t fully awakened from the dream

Let me close with this part of Ode 536 by William Wordsworth:

Our birth is but a sleep and a forgetting:

The Soul that rises with us, our life’s Star,

Hath had elsewhere its setting,

And cometh from afar:

Not in entire forgetfulness,

And not in utter nakedness,

But trailing clouds of glory do we come

From God, who is our home:

Heaven lies about us in our infancy!

*https://ninotchka44.wordpress.com/2011/05/17/lesson-137-when-i-am-healed-i-am-not-healed-alone/,

**You may read more in detail about this in “The Seth-material” by Jane Roberts

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The original laughter

I love theater for babies and toddlers, and Sunday visited a pearl: Twist and Tangle, a dance performance with two playful acrobatic girls. No words of course – just two bodies making the most inventive and unexpected forms and playing with sets made from foam. The babies did not make much sounds at all – just paying acute attention as I saw them –

until one of the girls started to make sculptures of the other: –

for each new posture one of them formed the other girl to take, the babies burst out in a choir of laughter. After a little while I felt like sitting in an audience of connoisseurs of the finest art  – and it was a collective appreciation. They saw something that was invisible for my adult mind – and the laughter was intensely moving:  a laughter with no evaluation, no judgment, no learned response – just a chorus of 30 babies or so laughing at exactly the same places, at something that was not visible for adult eyes

but the sound and energy in that laughter brought me right into Heaven –

 

Past

23 January

Wake up at 4am…usual crazy energies in the body. Inner Voice:

“You don’t need to go there anymore.”

Energies instantly gone – like a faucet turned off

Energies pop up around the vaginal opening. Voice:

“Maybe you don’t need to go there either.” Energies gone. Voice:

“Don’t drag the past with you. Let it go.”

I remember Emmanuel’s letter to me – by snail mail, 24 years ago:

“What to do about the nightmares – the times when it seems that darkness is to take your breath and life away? Simply know this: you are living a recall, not a current event. You are projecting out into the void a memory – fraught with terror, and a child’s experience – but a memory in distortion. What to be done? Listen with respect to what the wound is telling you, but never, never again believe it. What is needed now, is what was needed then – a presence of a loving and tender adult who can compassionately embrace the terror and remain in truth.

Dark spirits are simply dark memories projected from past to present. They seem to take form and hold power for exactly as long as you are willing to give them life. You cannot kill them with hatred. You can transform them with love.”

This morning – 24th of January – I also was prompted to flip the Course open, when the craziness was back and it did not disappear.How gracefully the Course always gives me exactly what I need to remember:

T-26.V.10. Would God allow His Son to lose his way along a road long since a memory of time gone by? 2 This course will teach you only what is now. 3 A dreadful instant in a distant past, now perfectly corrected, is of no concern nor value. 4 Let the dead and gone be peacefully forgotten. 5 Resurrection has come to take its place. 6 And now you are a part of resurrection, not of death. 7 No past illusions have the power to keep you in a place of death, a vault God’s Son entered an instant, to be instantly restored unto his Father’s perfect Love. 8 And how can he be kept in chains long since removed and gone forever from his mind?

T-26.V.11. The Son whom God created is as free as God created him. 2 He was reborn the instant that he chose to die instead of live. 3 And will you not forgive him now, because he made an error in the past that God remembers not, and is not there? 4 Now you are shifting back and forth between the past and present. 5 Sometimes the past seems real, as if it were the present. 6 Voices from the past are heard and then are doubted. 7 You are like to one who still hallucinates, but lacks conviction in what he perceives. 8 This is the borderland between the worlds, the bridge between the past and present. 9 Here the shadow of the past remains, but still a present light is dimly recognized. 10 Once it is seen, this light can never be forgotten. 11 It must draw you from the past into the present, where you really are.

T-26.V.12. The shadow voices do not change the laws of time nor of eternity. 2 They come from what is past and gone, and hinder not the true existence of the here and now. 3 The real world is the second part of the hallucination time and death are real, and have existence that can be perceived. 4 This terrible illusion was denied in but the time it took for God to give His Answer to illusion for all time and every circumstance. 5 And then it was no more to be experienced as there.

T-26.V.13. Each day, and every minute in each day, and every instant that each minute holds, you but relive the single instant when the time of terror took the place of love. 2 And so you die each day to live again, until you cross the gap between the past and present, which is not a gap at all. 3 Such is each life; a seeming interval from birth to death and on to life again, a repetition of an instant gone by long ago that cannot be relived. 4 And all of time is but the mad belief that what is over is still here and now.

T-26.V.14. Forgive the past and let it go, for it is gone. 2 You stand no longer on the ground that lies between the worlds. 3 You have gone on, and reached the world that lies at Heaven’s gate. 4 There is no hindrance to the Will of God, nor any need that you repeat again a journey that was over long ago. 5 Look gently on your brother, and behold the world in which perception of your hate has been transformed into a world of love.

 

 

At last being with the ultimate agony

Waking up with the habitual agonized desperate feeling.

Blue: Sit up, please. If we do this while you are lying down, part of you automatically slip into its conditioned space-out mode. And what you are feeling is precisely the feeling of agony and desperation – and the belief that this has something to do with you. ( I wrote belie instead of belief :))

I start to breathe deeply into it and the release starts. Big sickness comes. “Very good. Now you have opened to this the old sickness too. You did not throw up during the oral abuse since you correctly perceived they would see it as an offense – from the insane level they are operating from.

…Now the hatred is felt – good …breathe it in, be with it, neutral energy, allow it to release. Angels are here in great numbers, blessing the work, blessing you, praising you for your courage.

Sickness again.

Sweetie, that is also his/their repressed sickness at understanding what they are doing to their victims

Immediately the sickness becomes acute, and then abates. Deep gratitude for this amazing release-process.

Let me remind you that in this dream we all have experienced everything – and everything has been “done” to us – and it has not touched Heaven and Who we are.

I breathe and release and become sick and it passes, again and again. The legs start to hurt. I am told to put my hands on them and breathe, and to remove the labels “legs” and “hurt.” It abates .I “see” legs being crushed in a medieval torture-device. “There is no guilt in you now – so there is no pain.” I surely feel strange and strong sensations in the legs – but without them being “my” legs, and without labeling, it is able to be experienced and released. The underlying gratitude is immense. –“Put all thoughts and ideas aside now – about who you are. Come Home to your Sacred Self.”

I sit in a timeless space of Presence

I find some people I have held energies from, and blessing come through me: “I bless you in your capacity to feel safe and free in your connection to your Sacred Self. I release these energies I have held as means of holding on to grievances. My mother, father, brother… I release you from the roles you have played and mirrored. I bless you in your capacity to discover hidden disgust and self hatred and release it for good…and be happy. Amen.”

And then.

I get up.

And for the first time in at least 40 years does my body not feel like a rotten corpse. It feels light as a feather.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

There is no death. The Son of God is Free

Had a lot of resistance yesterday. Noticed it while it happened – judged it – yuck. Dreams with failing connection to taxis that should bring me home

Let me remember that I am Home, and that ego/me cannot come Home

Session with Kit yesterday:

We find out how vital it is to NOT come too late to our session: not let “anything else” prevent us from meeting up, fresh, rested, prepared. I notice that I often go to my mail right before we start – I think I have to deal with it before our session to save time, “I’ll only…” I tell myself – bullshit – oh the pain right under the Crown Chakra when I believe this stress-thought. I actually seem to believe it is VERY important to get that mail done right then.

It is not important AT ALL. It is absurd

NO: I need to sit and breathe and be present, to honor my connection with glorious Kit and the glorious work we do together – and I prepare for it by just sitting and being.

Now ego is telling me that I use up too much space here with all these spaces and line-shifts – let me just realize that I have boundless space at my disposal.

I want to share with Peter how important for me it is to speak out – and how strong brakes there are on that. This is what I am going to do, Peter – that gives me grounding.

We are sharing stressed situations with clients – and exploring what happens when instead of sitting with it as it is NOW, we try to “deal” with it: it creates guilt, shame and judgments. We feel we are being painted into a corner when we do not have a solution. It creates desperation. “I don’t know any way out of this stuck place!” we say and try to DO something – but just recognizing the blind alley IS the way out – to stay there and WATCH IT. Kit sees an image now: some “green doors that seem to be good ones to go through – but they are pitfalls – you go through and you lose your footings.Then there is a feeling of burning under my feet if I stay – but that is a purification.I see how meaningful it is to just BE with the unsolved situation.”

Allow the “push to fix” to rest – allow the solution to come organically. It will come, when we don’t judge

Kit says: It is Heaven to BE with it – and Hell to try to fix it and be the one who fixes it.

I take a quick trip out of the room to tape a radio program. The first words I hear the announcer say, is: “ A journey through the Heavens – but also through pitch-black Hell.”

 

Today, 5.July -2014

I am working with this lesson 163 in the Course: Death is a thought which takes on many forms, often unrecognized. It may appear as sadness, fear, anxiety or doubt; as anger, faithlessness and lack of trust; concern for bodies, envy, and all forms in which the wish to be as you are not may come to tempt you. All such thoughts are but reflections of the worshipping of death as savior and as giver of release. A Course in Miracles; Lesson 163 – There is no death. The Son of God is Free

Death is the separation thought: that I CAN be without God.

I was listening to Lisa’s audio this morning on week 17 in our training program. I had strong pains in the left side of the body, realized that they were an impossibility in reality, that they were my creation from an identification with ego – and suddenly the mp3 player stopped transmitting sounds. I fiddled with it for a minute and remembered that this means that right now I need to do nothing: just BE with the resistance that is manifesting as this electronic block to listening. I recalled two days ago when both lawn movers died on me- the electricity worked, but not the machines. I realized the sign and just stopped trying to fix it.

Then I fell asleep and dreamed, and when I woke up, it felt important to remember it. I asked for help, relaxed and got nothing. I then listened to the now functioning mp3 player, and came to the place where it had zonked out: Lisa said “ the only appropriate reaction to a Son of God is appreciation.”

AH! Lightening! I realized that I had judged myself when it stopped – just as I had judged myself and the situation when my lawnmowers had stopped working.

Now I instantly approved of myself  -patted my shoulders, stroke my cheeks, talked loving to myself. And NOW I remembered the dream! I could not hear BLUE as long as I was angry at myself and judged myself – as long as I chose fear, Love is not available. The anger was invisible – as long as I identified with it.

The dream showed me in the common state of returning Home – and once again I had too much luggage, and I could not find it. I found only one small rucksack – WHITE – it contained a water bottle and another essential items on the journey: a small journal and pen. All was shining new.

(My old red rucksack is 55 years old, people – time for a new white one!)

Dream-Leelah did not understand that the new white rucksack IS hers. But I do. And there are delicate drawings in it: It points  me to do drawing again each day. I just finished yesterday a big art-project that has taken ½ year, and yesterday I received in my mailbox a book I ordered some months ago:

The awakened eye: A companion volume to The Zen of seeing, seeing/drawing as meditationby Frederick Franck(1979)

Excellent timing once again.

I will draw small things – details: snails. Straw. Grass. Flowers. Twigs. Seeds!

And now – connected to the Self with Joy and gratitude – does the pain seep out, seen as an impossible idea.

And it came back – and I know it is an impossibility from the Place I rest in – so it goes again. And then there is the thought “but what if -“and it returns – could it be clearer? It comes back because I just gave power to the belief of the possibility of “what if -.”

I created it by believing in its possibility.

ALL the power rest in me – what do I choose? What do I WANT TO choose?

The mind cannot oppose Truth and God, but it CAN pretend it is sleeping. Today I will observe where I go asleep – and chose again

Hungry Ghost: seeking for Love in the wrong places

This feels monumental

My good friends Peter and Mary came for dinner. Peter asked “can I have extracreme from that Creme-siphon in the fridge on my dessert?”

Immediately I felt a strong NO-signal. I felt a simmering anger inside – a clear sign to honor that signal from my Self. I drove right over it, smiled and said yes.

He emptied that siphon. He sprayed dollop after dollop on his dessert until it was emptied -and I could not get a sound out.

This is the place in the psyche where we murder our truth. The Self says: Saying YES here allows an unconscious habit to go unnoticed – the belief that love comes from food – sugar and fat above all

The inability to say NO comes from the most stubborn pattern running through most of my lifetimes: if you say no, you are in danger of losing your life .But what that REALLY means is that I believe I am in danger of losing the love from those around me – they will certainly leave if I don’t give big YES to all they want. In my confused ego-thinking I believe that I will die if I don’t get love from from outside – since I also believe that I don’t have LOVE inside – ALL THE TIME.

It’s who I am

I noticed this fully in the night with warm waves of gratitude. Ego tells me that I override and crush MYSELF when not heeding the no-impulse from inside. I am weak, cowardly, shameful. No – correction: the crushing comes when I JUDGE myself for not saying NO.

Saying no is a mistake, not a sin to pay for – and I can choose again whenever I am ready.

Right now the JOY is so tremendous: the pain came from JUDGING my choice not to heed the inner Truth-voice.

God does not judge us for this – why would we?

It is only my judgment of this that creates this horrific fear. I have met this fear in at least 99% of my clients and students. Coincidence: I think not.

The thing is – both Peter and I feel we never have enough. We still try to fill the old bottomless suck for love that the ego felt was not provided: we are hooked into Hungry Ghost *

It feels intensely liberating to pull the projection back from Peter: he is only reflecting back to me my own “there will never be enough”-ghost/addiction. It is THIS part I me I have always feared – and throughout all incarnations projected out on rapists, killers and what have you.

It is just a thought. Believing it is Hell – watching it innocently and turning to Love instead is Heaven.

Since it is not God-created, it has no power of itself. As I withdraw my belief and power, it melts.

With deep gratitude I look at Peter’s pigging out -he is only reflecting what I still think holds value: getting what this body-me needs, outside of Love. Now I take it back and smile at it: it is not serious at all, in Reality it never happened.

Enough is enough

It feels like black asphalt waves are rolling through me, onto the Shores of Home. I see images of birds suffocating in oil-waste – for me a great symbol of how we suffocate the messengers of Truth within our soul with our misuse and waste of energy: human judgment of what IS.

I forgive myself for believing that I am not my Christ Self. I accept and receive the weaves of self-hatred that I earlier have believed is me.

In Reality, nothing happened

 

*From Wikipedia:

Hungry ghost is a Western translation of Chinese  餓鬼 (èguǐ), a concept in Chinese Buddhism and Chinese traditional religion representing beings who are driven by intense emotional needs in an animalistic way.

The Chinese concept is related to the preta in Buddhism more generally.

These beings are “ghosts” only in the sense of not being fully alive; not fully capable of living and appreciating what the moment has to offer.

The English term has often been used metaphorically to describe the insatiable craving of an addict.[1]

 

PLEASING

I recently talked about this with a friend on Facebook, who noticed herself being pleasing and decided to stop it. I want to add that there is certainly no reason to judge being pleasing – being pleasing saved my life when i grew up, without any doubt. And that makes it a pattern which is connected to survival – no wonder we hold onto it.

Because the energy-pattern is so embedded in me, I notice it instantly in others. It is such an unpleasant energy – as long as we have not forgiven ourselves completely for having chosen being pleasing as a defense-system when we were small- now there is judgment against it, because it is not considered straight and mature to be pleasing. Especially when we are on a spiritual path, pleasing is a nono.

But pleasing masks the intense fear of not being loved – of having “sinned” – in fact of being cast out of Heaven. WE truly believe that the only chance we have to loved is to have it from our family – we have forgotten and repressed that that Love is Who we are.

So if I now judge myself for being pleasing when I notice this in myself, I am holding ego’s hand – it is trying to be spiritual. 🙂

When we were small and filled with joy, we may have heard “Oh you are so full of yourself” – “tone it down, will you” – “you are simply too much for me” – I notice how that lovely life-energy  and Self-expression is squashed and judged – and there is no-one to blame: this is the dance of ego

So how can we relate to this old habit when we spot it?
As soon as we move into more freedom, the old stuff come up to be released – it is a sign of progress. And the thing is that we create judges outside of us to forewarn us of the “real” judgment waiting at home -and in our mind.

Judging ourselves is abusive – and the energetic “reason ” that we re-create” the old story about us as an” abuse-victim” – everything is better, we /ego tell ourself, that attracting God’s wraaathhh.

It is skillful to see this pattern so that next time I catch myself erasing myself in order to be allowed to live, I can choose again
Stop
Breathe
Realize you have made this pattern – or rather, identified with ego’s pattern
Expand – connect with Creator and your Heart – sense this struggling part of you and choose to LOVE it instead of judging it.

One of my sturdiest patterns of behavior is struggling very hard to “get it right” – and describing to others how to heal this pattern LOL – and tell it:

I LOVE YOU. YOU ARE SAFE. I AM HERE FOR YOU.

Now the Holy Spirit can take over: I am not longer trying to fix the “pleaser” – and I am demonstrating that it is not dangerous to receive LOVE – which is the trap we fell into when we believed in the Tiny Mad Idea of Separation.

The old poisonous story

This night, I saw through the pattern of being “unjustly treated,” “disrespected.”

I saw how I have projected this pattern  –  this part of “my story” – on clients and others (included rapists and insane people from childhood): No – Leelah has not done that – egomind has, in order to secure its status as separate, special, master of its own destiny. It’s not that I attract them – its that I immediately project this story on them and myself, in order to keep my separated self intact. The story is of such magnetic/vibrational magnitude because it is the main story of the world: the innocent victim and the guilty violator.

The projector is me: what a relief to see  that I am “dreaming” this whole story up and making it real, believing in its very realistic appearances and pains.

It is not real: God has never thought these thoughts. It has never happened in reality – in Heaven.

How can I not be respected? I am a reflection of God’s perfection, created in his Image.

I forgive myself for dreaming this impossible dream and for taking the innocent role-part.

I am done fighting Love in this way – how beautiful to just relax into the knowing that I am innocent, and so are the role-players of perpetrators. The degree of perversion and “evil” means nothing: the original pain and fear in the mind came from the Son of God’s belief that the Tiny Mad Idea was real.

I forgive myself for making you act out, so that I can keep my story of “me.”Keep the specialness going.

Holy Spirit, thank you for showing me the complete insanity of the egomind. I don’t want to do it any more.

 

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Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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