Compulsion or surrender

 

I have an appointment with an audiologist – and I want to try out a special brand of hearing aid – Oticon. – I asked him to have this available when I saw him in the corridor at my first appointment, and he smiled and nodded.

Then – later – true to the snirkles of my mind,I became anxious that he would NOT have it. AND since I have waited ONE YEAR for this appointment, it would mean that I would be one year deafer until next appointment – and the threats and disastering escalated: I would be completely deaf by then, beyond repair – and it would be their fault.

Oh how the ego loves that

I sense the guilt underlying this old story: the huge  – HUGE – inner pressure  tells me that I have to FIX this pressure by finding a solution to the problem. The more I desperately try to figure out why they don’t answer my mails when I ask them to please get the Oticon till I get there, the more horrible the pressure turns up the volume. And I feel COMPLETELY a victim in this: THEY do not answer my mails. But –  how could they – I have created this situation – and that confirmation would not transform this OCD-me: it would just repeat again and again until, like this morning, I truly meant that I wanted to see this situation in another way.

I realize that until now I have seen this OCD as a safety. Wow and doublewow

So I decided to just BE with it as it presented itself. The first feeling that came up was “I am WHOLLY convinced that I will not be helped.” I notice my absolute belief that I – this small I – would not be helped from these “outside” persons.

I have of course strong reasons to think like this – something terrible happened – many times – when I was small, I made this conclusion then and developed this coping mechanism to NEVER hope for help and be let down – and never feel the crushedness of it all. It helped me survive – and I honor that part of me who held on to this for so long. How brave it has been: to insist of  being heard at that time would have NOT been safe at all, and probably led to violence/death.

And with this, all my judgment at this pattern melts away, and left is just gratefulness for the experience: now I can ever more deeply support others in not judging themselves and being hard on themselves. Somehow I feel not alone in this 🙂

So when I was willing to be wrong in my perception this morning, that NOBODY EVER would help me and listen, I  was reminded about  an incident some years ago with an IRS-person I needed to return to, and who the first time was the very epitome of unkindness. I then told myself, while driving to him the second time, that this time he would be helpful, kind, gentle, I would understand it all, it would be a miracle.

And it was. * He even started to tell me about his  daughter that he loved so much, and showed me her picture. I mean – !
So now, at least I can do this: I can expect to be happy about speaking to a wondrous person, a shining Light of God, who would share this lesson with me, proving to me that God IS with me.

I told God then that he had to give me a sign – should I call or not? And saw myself calling with the expectations that the answerer would just be a delight. So – not a question if I should call or not call- but a reminder that I choose who’s hand I hold while I call – Christ or ego.

So I called. And while the heart beat while I waited –  “sorry we are VERY busy” – it started to dawn on me that that pounding heart was not a sign that it would be dreadful – it was just part of the OCD pattern, being challenged.

She was patient with me, and told me the audiologist already had this in his journal. Blush. Ego wanted to lash out, “why the hell couldn’t you just answer me that in the mail” – but of course she couldn’t: then I would not be at this point of surrendering the old OCD-identity. I can trust life to BE helpful, and give me all the lessons I need to wake up and drop the old ones.

She told me that the audiologist had to see which product was the best for me – and of course he had to! Then I could tell her that I agreed -and just wanted that it was available for me to test. The energy in my mail had probably made her hear that I HAD TO have THIS brand and nothing else. Oh yes that was beyond doubt the energy I expressed in my mails.

Can I shark SHARE with you the radiant joyful energy that was present in our conversation, as the old false view I had , of not being heard, dissolved? What a GREAT typo: that energy is just like a shark – it hungrily devours food/energy to fill itself, just like ego: it is never enough.

After the phone I had to set myself down  and deliberately receive the new energies that I had opened up for now.It is amazing: they still flows through me now, about an hour later – and I have to be fully present to receive the healing.

*I share this healing miracle in the chapter “The tax-man” in “When Fear Comes Home to Love”.

Birds under water

 

It has been there as long as I can remember. A strong pain in the butt, spreading down the thighs on the backside – maybe it started when I was maybe 8? I needed desperately to find a place where my mom and I could connect *- and I found one: my mother and I were in the living room, and a black spider – in my memory as big as a grown fist – crawls on the carpet.

She screams! So I scream too – we can connect in fear! THAT is our connection. We look at each other in perfect agreement of how dreadful spiders are, and how allowed it is to scream when one sees them.

*The connection I got with my mom was via fear. I scream and jump and shiver – just like my mom. THIS IS SAFE.

This is love, I tell myself. I believe I don’t have a connection to God – so I MUST have a connection with my mother. We connect in FEAR – so now FEAR has taken the place of Love in my mind as my refuge. Now I share this fear with another – that is love.

In my child’s mind, this connection with Mom is valuable beyond means. It is life-saving: it gives me a space to connect with her, to bond, and only in this connection do I not disassociate from the daily horrors going on that nobody must know about – my mother included.

My mother always told me “now I get a pain in my butt” – and it is this pattern that I have saved, to bond with her.

I see the pattern spreading backwards through our lifetimes.

What does it mask?

What is it that we both, in reality, scream out for?

I want to sit with that for a while

And also recognizing that there is no room for God in that fear-shared space: we chose fear. Fear and Love cannot exist at the same time. It took the place of God – it became God in our mind. Now fear unites us, and we both deny our God-given connection with our Christed Self.

Subconsciously this identity – this holding on to fear-as-love – seems very valuable in my mind. And it stays there until I don’t value it any longer and let it go.

Like right now

What does it mask?

I need….I need to scream that I am terrified!

And so the innocent spider came into the space between my mother and I and allowed us to bond in the only way we were capable of right then – and gave us an opportunity to express our common fear in an acceptable manner.

The deepest need is to know that God is there to take care of me when I am terrified -*

I look into my heart, and there He is, inviting me to sit on His lap – He says: what you really are afraid of – all of you – is to come sit on my lap. You think you are so guilty – but I do not create guilt, you do.

The pain in the butt feels like dirty acid, and God tells me it does not mean anything at all.

Instantly my fear of these pains – and my making them meaningful and serious – falls away.

I realize that I am moving through layers in the elaborate fear-defense-system I have called Love

Here is an angry voice demanding that the pain shall disappear RIGHT NOW!

What does it mask?

A deep mistrust: God cannot help me. WILL not.

“Allow it all to come into your awareness” says Christ. “Leave no part of it left in the bodymind.”

I extend forgiveness to myself for what I have created: a terrified being who has no connection to God. I free me to be my Self.

A vivid image from this morning’s dream: two small birds are living under shallow water. They walk at the bottom. I put a finger down, one of the birds hacks crazily at it as if it thinks it if food. I gently lift to other bird up, it sits in my hand and looks surprised when coming into its true living space. I invite the other bird to come into my other hand, it protests as if I offer it hell. I tell it that it can come whenever it wants to. It then flops into my hand and faints. I place both birds on a soft peace of cloth before me – and the trusting bird places it’s wing over its friend.

In this moment a knowing happens in the child on God’s lap: I HAVE TO OPEN MYSELF UP TO GOD’S LOVE, AND NOT MOTHER’S. She simply CANNOT help me, since she (thinks she)misses connection to God.

The second I share this with Kit, she says:
“The second you said this, I looked at my watch, and the ciphers flickered.”

“She cannot help me.”

There it is: this belief goes through our time -line – and consequently, these are the incarnations we create to explore.

Now I see what the dream was showing me: the hand coming into the water and lifting these beings into their true element, is God’s hand. And I – and everybody denying God’s presence as their Self – are the birds, seemingly trapped in a foreign element, where they flying capacity is removed.

The one bird was ready. The other came too – and lack of trust made it faint from fear.

But all the same – it chose Love

 

*That formatting happened all on itself. In the original Word-doc it is just an italic line like all the others italic-lines – and it does not start with a big T either.

 

 

 

Help or arrogance

I see it almost every minute – this belief ” I am a worthless shit if I don’t help others” – meaning that there is a hidden comparison there – and I am obvious higher than them. More spiritual :::giggles:::And the belief runs in my blood – its’ on automatic

I write about this false helper-archetype in “When fear comes home to Love” – see book in right menu. I call it Bird – after the big bird that appeared in my painting you can see on the cover. Feeling like a turd, it has claimed its identity as a savior of the world – but it saves from an ego-identity – not as its Christ mind.

I -as  Leelah – can only help in a loving way if she steps back and allow Spirit to help through her. That means that true help will only be valuable to the helpee if I help from an inner prompt from the Heart – everything else is arrogance, based on the premise that it is valuable to compare myself with the other.

Each time I see beggars now, it is a lovely possibility to step back and wait for the prompt – give or not give money. And if I am not prompted to give money, I can give a smile.

I have noticed that the beggars who smile at me first – truly from the heart – always get money:)

Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

%d bloggers like this: