Manifestation of illness *

A big difference since we started 3 years ago with The Way of the Heart, first book in Way of Mastery is to realize that any energy Leelah didn’t like and grabbed to herself, believing it said something about who she was ( guilt, sinful ETC ) now is seen as simply neutral energies in the one Mind we all share. When I know it is not ME – but something I have attached to out of fear and guilt – I can simply bless it and let it go: it has never changed my true nature. Saying these words into my recorder in bed gives big hiccups in the solar plexus, and big yawns too. The judgments and self-hate is seen as neutral an smiled to. Breathing the wish to love all this into the body now. – Lovely warmth spreads.
Great insight: before when I posted anything on Forums, there was always this instantaneous expectation of being criticized, slaughtered and demeaned. These attacks very rarely occurred – so it has been clear that this has been only in my mind. A dream this night about people – me included – being driven by an indescribable meanness – seeing each other as judge-worthy and despicable – helps me realize that my sleeplessness often consists of unconscious pressure to NOT have these feelings/energies coming up.
And now my commitment to love /God first and most– to align with Love – has made it possible for the energies to come up to be seen and blessed.
I realize “the mean ones” are roles: – you are the Holy Son of God in disguise, you are my projections of self-disgust. I now take you out of the roles. Holy Son of God, give me your blessing. Like Jacob and the Angel he wrestled with, I want their blessing.
Once St.Germain came to me three years ago as a radiant girl- we were looking into each other eyes and disappeared into bliss. NOW I see this disgusting energy in his eyes, as twirls of “meanness”– clearly reflecting my own hidden judgment.
These twirls/veils I have placed in my eyes to see others through –I believe is the cause of my cataracts. Left eye has already been operated on. I see no value in holding on to this projection anymore.
I believe this self-hatred has given me Osteoporosis too – eroding the calcium in my skeleton – I have not felt supported by myself, and the skeleton has faithfully reflected that. One more illness: hypothyroidism – reflecting not allowing myself to speak my truth and needs, preferring the “safety” of not irritating or provoking others rage or criticism.
Good survival and coping mechanisms all.
Not anymore. No value in these now. It feels GREAT to let the need for them go.
I claim my power back from these creations.
* This blog is my journey through a Course in Miracles, and the last three years through “Way of Mastery.” It is about how we create and the manifestations of our beliefs and thoughts that we hold as valuable.

The iceberg

What I share, I own. So I will share the dream that played out this early morning – that my daughter really would prefer me to be dead, except for Christmas…

This is MY perception of my daughter. Thank God it is not a true perception. It is the role I have projected on her – reflecting a false belief I have been clinging to as “me” :” It is dangerous to receive Love, I am not worthy.”

I woke up with this atomic strong urge – “YOU HAVE TO LOVE ME- YOU MUST LOVE ME’ “and it was easy to see that the very center of pain  came from the lungs and  the shield around the heart – with the chronic painful cough and the breath that is so constricted. The pain  felt like a full-blown heart attack  – a mammoth stepped on my chest, and I knew that if  I succumbed to that feeling, believing I was this body, I would be dead within 10 seconds.

But all parts of me did not accept that this was true: I am not a body, there is no death in Christ. I recognized the agonized crushed feeling was just a replay of the tremendous fear during the attack in the wood,* where I certainly knew that I was close to death -and I had made it mean that I was guilty and sinful and deserved it, when my mother did not comfort me and  listen to what I had experienced when I returned home from the wood. This is what the Holy Son of God believed at the perceived separation from God: I have sinned! I am guilty beyond any measure – and now He hates me – I am out of His favor and His love – for ever

Now, when the catastrophic feeling at last was allowed in its full measure, Life poured into the iron armor of holdings around the heart –  seeping into those muscle tensions that were created, when I projected my unwillingness to love myself, on my family – and later have projected outside on “enemies” to attack me

And so it is, in this world: attack, or be attacked

I thank Jesus for his Course in Miracles that allowed me to gradually change my mind and perception with its 365 lessons

I believe that the one reason that heart attack did not kill me, is that I recognized it as coming from a false thought: I am not worthy of love. Parts of me believed that strong enough to project a dream where my main mother projection, my daughter, said what I have projected her to say – so I could recognize my error in perception when I woke up and allow the armor around the heart to melt.

There is One Mind, and we are all it

The pains can have no effect on me if I stop believing in the false stories of the ego. Right now, the energies are working through my body as sunrays shining on an iceberg. The frozen structure answers with sensations – and if I believed in the stories about a separated me and guilt, the pain would be atrocious – as the first experience of heart pain when I awoke from my dream. As just witnessing right now in gratitude and wonder, pain is seen as springtime: the buds may be afraid of opening, but they will anyway

Again and again I notice that I stop breathing – and again and again Spirit gently prompts me to breathe into these old holdings in the body mind, allowing Love to penetrate them gently. He reminds me of Shem – the Love within the breath, the Life that breathes everything. I cannot exist without that life force: when I believe it, I am dreaming my dream.

Gentle breath after gentle breath, breathing itself into welcoming body mind.

The ego does its best to convince me to demonstrate complete awakening here and now – oh, hilarious

The ego further wants me to believe that I must be completely pain free to prove that I am  healed – but the ego IS the very thought system that things take time and “pains” should not be there.

Without the judgment, and the resistance it creates, I am just here – being lived with. And the parts of me that have believed in, and identified with those ego thoughts- those are the one coming up to the surface of the iceberg, asking to be gently looked at and released

Allowing healing is a choice – allowing the sun to melt it – is a choice. I choose to share this process because it is true and real, demonstrating what simply exists at the bottom of the iceberg -and allow it to be as it is*

(PS-I had to delete the photo of the Iceberg  for copyright reasons. Here’s a link to its site: notice the proportions –

What is Real was always here and will never change. My body will respond to the in-pouring of Love, and every second of the healing process is precious.

I write this down for ME: I need to remember this place I am right now – when the spell of the ego seems to be stronger than truth, where I still prefer, as the collective unconscious, to dream up impossible dreams of separation.

Blue is playing ( long time ago)

Lesson today in A Course in Miracles: “I am not a body. I am free.”

In the evening, I am looking at “Joan of Arcadia” on TV. Joan’s class is performing a play. Their finale-song goes: “We are not flesh and blood. We are love!”

*This episode has a whole chapter in “When Fear Comes Home to Love – a chapter that also demonstrates that the Divine, in whatever form we can accept, is present always – and can be called upon later – like NOW – to transform the dark energies in the cell memory.

Father and son

I sensed his energy already before he dumped down in the bus seat beside me. Everything stood still inside me – huge fear- the energy that he brought, and acted out from, was all “Fuckeat” – energy – an archetype of violence, abuse and dominance that is described in my book “When fear Comes Home with Love.”

I froze – and then remembered that I am here to BE Love – therefore, him sitting down was an opportunity for me to BE with the energy and to BE the space of Love where it could be witnessed.

Judgment flared up like a volcano when he slapped his baby son on his lap hard – twice – on its little hands. This baby was obviously used to it – it did not cry, just whimpered, and got a strong expression of worry.

I recognized that feeling inside my mind: “I have done something wrong and am punished – and for me, there is no recognition of why.”

I felt sick now, but still blessed the father silently in his true nature, again and again.

I was shown a bloodline of fathers like him – in this case, Moslem fathers who think their boy-babies have to be taught by pain and fear when their expression is not up to the standard for what is correct male behavior.

I saw his wife sitting there, across the isle – with another little boy beside her. He was looking down as the father hit his baby, and was smiling a stiff smile.

The wife looked like she was 19-20. Her eyes, watching her husband, were devoid of any life and presence – I recognized that energy/memory inside myself too and forgave it. She had taken refuge in that space where “this does not happen. I can do nothing about it that would not make it worse.”

As I felt sicker and sicker, drawn longer into merging with the Fuckeat-archetype, I heard a suggestion inside: “Holy Son of God, give me your blessing.”

Yes – there it was: they were playing out for me something in MY mind that had not yet been fully forgiven- and it was in my mind that I now forgave myself for choosing to see the Son of God in a violent manner. I blessed him again – and again – and there came a soft peace, the father rose from his seat and sat down elsewhere – I saw him relating to two other children.

His wife was looking at him now – they were quietly talking – and she was completely present, unfearful, and love poured out of her eyes to her husband

The Fuckeat structure in my mind had opened itself to yet another layer of healing – and all because I was truly willing to SEE beyond brutality to his true Self.

When they left the bus some minutes later, I saw two other children – at least 8-10 years old – they were all smiling, and I saw his father – pride in them

Sharing this with you had also started yet another release of Fuckeat-energies

Thank God












Recently did a lot of traveling on trains, and practiced seeing the people that I came in contact with as Christ.

I discovered this thought as miraculous – again and again: “Holy Son of God, give me your blessing.”

A German family of 4 was settling in with me. A couple in their late thirties, with one little guy about 1,5 ,and an older brother, maybe 10-12. The mother looked paranoid, did not greet me, mumbled that these seats were impossible, they could NOT drive here. She looked like on the brink of falling apart.

The toddler was placed right across me, and started to kick my shin methodically and hard. It was easy to see that it was just nervous energy, but it hurt anyway so I asked kindly (while seething inside) if they could maybe move him. They looked like I spoke from a foreign planet.

Then I remembered: They are only mirroring what I have judged in my mind. A sweet calm came, and I heard myself thinking: “ Holy Son of God, give me your blessing” – becoming aware of their true nature.

It took maybe ½ a minute. Then the children stood up, the father removed the little hyperactive one and smiled at me. The mother stood up and walked to a window, her body radiated peace and great joy. She turned and looked at us – and me – and her smile came from Home. I sensed something old melting – the old paranoia maybe? And from that moment I thought this prayer, the 5 of us danced a perfectly choreographed dance: we were danced with. It was amazing to witness its beauty and the order of it.

My second seatpartner was a Japanese businesswoman with a travel-PC. She did not look at me, was frowning and busy, and outside the train was the most marvelous landscape. I prayed the same prayer. A seat beside us became free, she brought her PC over there, let her hair down, closed the PC and started to look out the window. What was so sweet was the feeling of connection between us – as we were really siblings and had known each other for always. We often looked across the aisle at the other and just smiled.

After coming home and having slept here 2 nights now, I wake up in the morning and notice the old familiar depression and gloom -and then, after just one second, it feels like a curtain is drawn away, and there is a field of calm and tremendous eternal JOY present.

Calling for help

This is a poem by Ylva Eggehorn:

Stand still within the pain, rooted in
that which is light in you

let the sword go through you
maybe it isn’t a sword at all

Maybe it is a tuning fork
you become a tone

You become the music you always
yearned to hear

You did not know you were a song

For the last month or so an old pattern has resurged: paranoia. Noia has the ability to paint up graphic films of disaster in minute detail. You see them, you feel them, they feel real without question, you are expecting these dark threats to manifest any moment – and then you start to prepare for them, making them real.

I recognize that in my childhood, it was reasonable to be alert and look for signs that my father would go from Dr.Jekyll to Mr.Hyde-mode: there was a faint hope that one could close the door to the insane dark energy that directed his acts. I am sure I frantically asked for help – and since i was used to identify myself with “deeply unworthy and sinful and guilty,” I denied my true nature. When we do that, we believe in lies – and thats where the intervention comes from.

What we believe in becomes true and real for us

I have in the last month worked together with a great guy on a project – and on the web. And the paranoia had spun out the most outlandish scenarios about his relationship to me: I have told stories about how he hates me and is just waiting to explode and blame me for being over-demanding and expecting the impossible. Thanks to the levels of awakeness I have been aware of this disaster-making in the mind, and each time forgiven the fear-scenarios: if God is Love, these thoughts of fear belong to the ego thought-system and are not true.

And I have witnessed again and again that what I have feared, has NOT been correct at all – it has been just my paranoid mind spinning out the old “believe the worst and prepare for it.”

What has been helpful these last days in dispersing the paranoid stories is to deeply see and be with the old terror – as a bodily emotional imprint. Being still, as Eggehorn writes in her wonderful poem – and anchor myself in Truth.

Sometimes the terror-levels are so high that I cant sense “that which is light in you” – and then I truly need to surrender all “my” knowing and stories and trust that my true nature – The Christ/Buddha nature/Self, call it what you will –  IS there despite the appearances of enormous pain and tensions – I set an intention to allow It to just BE. Sometimes there is a subtle shift – and there is truly a resting within the pain, and an anchoring in Self.

I am forgiving myself for still dreaming up the paranoic stories – but see them clearly for what they are – appearances, illusions, depending on my belief to seem real. In this last month, I have repeatedly seen through them – the guy loves to work with me, is dedicated to do it correctly – and all it takes to spin myself into paranoia is to pick up on some irritation in the way he communicates and take it personal.

Taking it personal: that is the essence of the pain in all abuse-scenarios: we think it is a personal me that the terror is happening to. We think it happens  because something about us – ( and no wonder, that’s what the abuser tells us – again and again). It is not about us: it happens because of unbearable split-off pain in the abusers mind, that they project on us: now the suffering victim is replaced and projected outside themselves, into a child.

What the child receives is their pain, their guilt,their shame,their shock, their hate, their disgust,their need for revenge.

That is the psychological explanation of it.

From the Course’s view it is different:

The mind outside time and space is as God/Love created it: Spirit – whole and innocent. There is only ONE mind – seemingly fragmented into humans and stones and kittens and stars. Choosing to believe that it is possible to be separate from our Source – and believing in this tiny mad idea, that the Course calls it – creates the world, or the dream that we are dreaming up. And when we, as Gods Son, choose to believe that we really are a separate “me,” we feel a deep terror for God’s anger and revenge. This is the ego’s god – and as separate, we do believe we are egos.

And this is one of the hardest things to learn to accept in the Course: everything that happens to us, we ask for – we even want. The ego – which we now identify with – wants torture and abuse: it proves that it IS a separate entity, and that it in fact has robbed God of His power.

“Holy Son of God, choose again” says the Course. “Remember Who you are: you had a silly thought – a tiny mad idea – that separation could be possible. It is but a dream, and you can choose instead to be Who you are: Spirit,healed and whole and innocent.

And so – the only thing we really forgive, are our own deluded perceptions and thoughts.

When the paranoia has entered this month, I have chosen to know I am wrong in my insane perceptions. I have to be, since God did not create them. And each time, Phil has shown that my fantasies are just that – and old bundle of fear-thoughts in the mind. Still there are energies connected to the paranoia that I habitually identify as “mine” – I still think I am this body, where the sensations are – but standing still and letting the stories go, rooted in the light/Self is my trusted way of awakening.

Integrating fear

The primal fear is still the main theme. Yesterday I lie for hours in bed, just tensions and stress everywhere – and knew that some part was terrified of falling asleep. Then I dozed off – and awoke from a loud crash from within the house. Instantly I was back to the 1st of January and the stone through the door and the terror from that day was back in the driver seat. I found myself tiptoeing down the stairs and into the living room, and then the alarm sounded – I had forgotten that I must not go down to the first floor when the alarm had been turned on. I ran upstairs and turned it off, and the cellphone rang. It was a Security guy who for the first time was live on the line, and I told him it was my fault and I was OK.

This was a metaphore/reflection from outside that was not lost on me: before, when I mistakenly had made the alarm go off, there had always been just text-messages from Security, stating that they had closed the case (since I turned the alarm system off so fast.) But this time, the projection screen showed me that there was direct contact between somebody listening to me when”the alarm went off” and reaching out. An age-old belief that I am not worthy to get help was broken.

This was a huge help to know.I went back to bed and knew that Presence had arranged this, so I could calmly lay there and integrate the fear. I prayed for a dream where I more clearly could see the focus of the fear, and had a dream where my father was telling me that he would rape a friend I had visiting. I woke up, remembering his insane expression, forgave this projected guilt and was willing to accept the Atonement instead.

Then I read something from my little notebook by Michael Brown – he is talking about dark memories:

“Yet, while we remain unintegrated, then as we approach the portal of this moment, these unintegrated memories are what guard the entry to the portal. They say “While you believe in us more than the promise of what you truly are, then we stand between you and this realization. You must pass through us to know we are not real, or run from us back into the illusions which inspire more experiences just like us.”

The face of insanity and violence projected on my father (and God) is what I have believed MORE than the promise of what I truly am – the Holy Son of God.

Later in the day, I discovered what had made that crashing noise: it was a lamp that had fallen from a table where it was attached with a screw. How  I don’t know – but for what, I know: to give me an opportunity to meet that fear again with much less resistance around it, and much more awareness and Love surrounding it.

Old movie

Following the process – still the old theme of “darkness.” Yet another tough experience in the night and morning, with overwhelming depression and gloom. Yet – Blue is very available when I ask for help.

Blue:The attacks and darkness you are having are memories from the past – and thus the effect of the belief in Time – being projected into the Present. You cannot fix them – but you can receive them with Love.

Me: Many many times I have met them with the willingness to Be with them and bless them, to extend all my Love into  “this” – and to see it as scared children dressing up as demons, crying out for love and forgiveness – which I have offered, as the gifts I can give as the Holy Son of God, created in His image.

Seeing “darkness” is seeing through a dark filter of judgment –  and with  judgment I see myself as unworthy and ugly and afraid. I see myself as a terrified child/victim – and it seems SO alive in me, I feel all its feelings of overwhelm. Because of  the sensations/pains in my nervous system, I identify with it subconsciously.

Blue: If this pain and darkness and horror is real, God is not real. If you believe God is real – and you do  – then this pain and horror is just ego’s creations, which you, as the Holy Son of God use your tremendous power to animate – or make real. Do not deny your immense God-given power  that you share with Him: the world around you, just an imagination, seems so very real – because as humans, you believe that what you can touch has reality – and the mind is just “thoughts”. Since you, as Mind, made all of this up – = the Universe – saying it is real –you can choose again.Just acknowledge this: “It is impossible for me, who am created in God’s image, to discreate what He has created. If that was possible, it would also mean that it is possible to discreate my Self.”

Me: So I am acknowledging that what seems to be visiting me, telling me that it is more powerful that Love, are just projections/manifestations of guilt, fear and sin – it comes in many packages and variations, to divert my mind and make it interested in my creations.

Blue: Fear loves to dress itself up – and fragment itself into a multitude of costumes and “spirits” that now must be placated by you. Lots of efforts now – to take your mind off the Truth. There is nothing wrong in noticing these occurrences – but you are the awareness noticing it, and not a victim of it. When you stop giving your God-given power to the belief that the show is real, you might just tire of the show and leave the showroom. It is like an old film you have seen in all possible variations – why are you still buying tickets?

Me: so what do I do then, the next time I wake up and feel the old horror in my veins and muscles, and hear the threats that I belong to it? And feel a HUGE identification with the victim-child-part?

Blue: realize that you have used your vast power to imagine something that is impossible, and by that trick you have proved that God is wrong and you are right: separation really happened. The one in you that does this, CAN NOT be the real Self – right? YOU are aware of it – and YOU can choose again. Forgive yourself for dreaming this dream, and for repeating it until you are tired of it. Choose to believe that the power you use to recreate the dream of darkness, you can use to co-create with God: extending the Love That you are.

Me: On behalf  of the Son of God, I choose to release the part of my mind that joins with the ego in this. I know that you will be released, unless I want to use you to imprison myself. Holy Spirit, please let me know when I enter this self-imprisonment-game, so I can choose to smile instead. In the name of my freedom, I release you – because I realize we will be released together.

I can not wake up alone,without my brother

Dream: I am traveling on the longest train in the world. I have attended a course with clay, and have made many exquisite clay figures that I have brought with me in my luggage.

As I walk through the train, I leave my luggage behind in the compartment that is “mine” and some friends, and enter a dark compartment. Still, I recognize my brother – and we embrace.

Writing this, huge feelings pours through me: this brother and I have numerous incarnations together, mostly as lovers/spouses. In each of the incarnations that I know of, he has had the role of “betraying” that love – many times for monastic life, or a life in a Mystery Tradition. And I have had the familiar role of the betrayed and abandoned and left poor woman.

He has “betrayed” and left me this life too: he simply will and can not accept that I experienced the abuse that I did – that would crush his image of our father for him. So he is just silent. We don’t communicate. And as I don’t want to push him to accept what he can not, I have accepted the situation – but in my heart, I miss him so.

Now, in the dream, in the soft darkness, we embraced.And embraced,and embraced. I feel the old feeling of this NOW: there has never been any man I have loved as you. All old grievances slip off, as we see each other as the Holy Son of God. It is laughable to think that there ever could be anything else than this love between us.

Now we have reached the end stop of the journey. The tracks lead into a tunnel, but it is filled with snow and ice. Strangely, I spot somebody clearing that tunnel from the other side: we will get through! And so… I just have to get my luggage! I simply can not leave those clay-figures – my precious creations – so I tell him to wait for me, and rush back through the train…will it still be there?

I find one bag – but it seems empty! Franticly I call to my friends to help me, and one of them finds it for me –

I take my 3 bags and run to my brother- I have used hours on this search for luggage – will he still wait for me? Will he BE there?

“Are you here?” I call, and there he is – standing in a black suit in a stair, leading out of the train, through the roof – and he smiles and all time has left and all that is left is LOVE.

At the journey’s end we are One again – and I cannot get there without my Brother, as the Course says.

As I wake up from the dream, my body still carries the imprint from this embrace in LOVE. A little taste of Heaven for sure: a state of absolute clarity, peace and joy – and simplicity.

To open my heart for both of us is wonderful beyond words.


Here are many symbols of transitions – : the dark suit, the end of the journey, the stairs leaving the train/journey -this might mean that he might be close to death –

and if so, I know well that his body may die, but this connection to Love and Oneness never will-

and all the rest is completely meaningless

Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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