Selfhatred – and Grace

For new followers:

I started this blog in 2010 as a way to be honest and vulnerable with what was happening to me,  as a sort of diary. A place where I could  help myself and also, by transparency, be of help to others, by just sharing what I experienced on my way to awakening. I forget easily, and it has been very helpful  for me to come to it and read what I have written earlier.

I am a student and teacher of A Course in Miracles, and part of this blog is exploring the blocks that I/humanity/ have put up between ourselves and our true nature – the Self. One of those blocks – or darker energies that we all have, is self-hatred – and under that, a deep belief in unworthiness.

Yesterday I discovered the light that came out of accepting the energy of hatred of a person in my past. That happened when I allowed the energy without judging myself for being bad.

Hatred is based on fear and separation – and still, when we place our belief in it, it becomes real for us. We start to identify with it and tell ourselves ( and are told by our parents/teachers/media from we are born) that worth is something that must be earned and not our true nature.

My spiritual practice is about finding those blocks – flushing them up – being with the energy of them without judgment, forgiving them – forgiving ourselves what we think they have meant about us – and let them go.

This deep deep did I say deep feeling of self-hatred – coming from the belief that we are unworthy – has many layers. This night I was graced with letting go of one of them.

For as long as I can remember, I have dreaded ANY appointment I have had with others – included  the social ones that are supposed to be fun. And with people I loved. Always there was this DREAD when I thought about it – and this night I asked myself, “what do I really desire? “To be happy” I heard. And then: the thought came: “Just BE with the energy of this dread. Relax, and breathe into it.”

All dread vanished, and Grace filled me up.

I saw that the dread was me trying my best for preventing myself from being happy – since the unworthy( me me me) must of course be punished and suffer to be saved. The unworthy does not deserve to have fun and enjoy life. And I thought, that may well be the reason why humanity believes that all joy must be paid with grief/sorrow – like it is a Law of Nature. It is a Law: a Law of separation, living as separated me’s in a world perceived by fear – minded perception.

I rested in my bed, allowing the energy of WORTH to come in – my birthright.It felt like ….the utmost simplicity…i need do nothing to have this – I AM this- I just laid there and allowed myself to be held by Love

The dream that came after this affirmed the shift in my soul: my father, who I have made into a monster, now was completely transformed – all the scary stuff about him was absent. I LIKED him. There was not more fear.

*

And now, another  sillybillynillywilly:

In the knickers of time
This was in the ancient times when time was inserted as a way to perceive for humans – and some person, it might have been me, who later created costumes for plays, got the idea to put knickers on time to make time more substantial – time was far too confusing at first, for the mind that was used to Oneness.
So knickers was a good idea, thought this person, and then time wanted more of course and demanded blouses too – and then wigs and gloves – sigh
time to undress time again I say

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A New World

Christmas eve

I am receiving an Amygdala healing, listening to an audio and allowing whatever happens to happen. At first there is a time period to allow  the ultimate vicious, deepest depraved, violent destructive hateful darkness in the mind to arise and be released. All is allowed. Then there is a ray of light that hits the Amygdala, and gradually my body and brain is filled with the calmest light

I wake up in the night and notice a remarkable shift in thinking: there is no more identification with negative fearful thoughts. I can “hear” them, but they carry no life.

I have a dream where I rescue and take care of a much tormented cat. It has eaten – digested – something – I care deeply for it, and suddenly its body convulses and it poops out the inside of a ballpoint pen.

That must have hurt! And affected free movement – and, well, everything about its catty life: wild free sexuality, the excitement of hunting, deep rest and its joy of being caressed…the cat symbolizes something deeply instinctive and alive in me. And “my” cat has digested something completely indigestible for it: that which is the essence of a pen: mental activity being expressed.

Or better said: the “supremacy” of the intellectual mind.

I love these clear dreams. And the cat is OK now 🙂

Christmas Morning, 25th: I am bundling up to go to the mountaintop close to my house to do a ritual that Jesus describes in “The Way of the Heart.” It is  dark and cold: minus 15 degrees Celsius / 5 Fahrenheit, snow, very steep climb up the trail to a point I have chosen to meet the rising sun and a new world seen with the eyes of Christ. The Ritual is about leaving the past behind and looking with Christ’s eyes at the New World.

The climbing is easy, I am enjoying each step. And there is my favorite place to look out over my village and home – and wait, there is a new signpost: “Peekout” – and it point to a new small trail further up. “I want to go there!” says my heart, and fear answers: “ No – I may miss the sunrise and the whole ritual.” The heart calmly lets me know that I know where that trail leads – up to a place where before stood a little cabin.

Still – I allow the fear voice to “win.”

I start the meditation, facing the place where the sun is rising – and receive its energy into the body, allowing it to fill the spinal column and the whole body. It feels good – but something is “off.” Still, I follow the instructions that Jesus tells us he followed in his way to mastery.

After I while, I open the eyes. The red rising sun is right in my face. I immediately decide to follow the new trail. In 3 minutes I am up there – and somebody has built this wondrous little free cabin for anybody to sit and watch the view –

Now the ego is having a field day: “You screwed up this holyholyholy initiation. You should have gone up here  at once- it was made for you  – to meet the rising sun and the new life! Now you have screwed up ultimately moron moron moron”

Oh the shoulding 🙂

The gift is: I have been reminded to follow the heart. “Follow the nudge of JOY you feel. Trust that it will take care of everything – including the time-aspect.”

I trusted instead the voice that told me I MIGHT be too late for the sunrise, following the new and unexpected trail.

I recognize how I – and most of humanity? – have allowed that warning voice, painting out disasters and failure in order to “make us safe” – to be valued.

Jesus is giggling at me, tenderly tickling my ribs. “All I want is that you are happy and extend your treasure to the world. There are no “too late’s – there is only NOW”

I go back down to my house.Time for celebration! I eat my newly smoked and roasted ham, two soft boiled eggs, bread, fresh raspberry jam and Yogi tea. Today’s tea label: “Time to leave the past behind”

Time to leave the past behindgiggle giggle giggle

Then I go out in the sunny shiny new day, up to the Peekout Shelter once again and decorate it with a little troll I have made, with the word “Now” on it.

I meet a zillion people when I go back down. I say Merry Christmas to everyone, they all smile and greet me back. What a feeling of unity it brings – this greeting each other.

Enough –

A dear friend shares a story about her boy,7 years, who visited a friend last day and ate too much and threw up a lot in the night. Instantly I attach to the archetype of what I call “Child” in my book “When fear comes home to Love” –  the conviction that “I don’t have enough, I am not enough.” In Buddhist tradition, this is called Hungry Ghost: it HAS TO take take take eat eat eat to fill itself up – since it perceives itself as a vacant space – and this space is filled with the terrible belief and experience that I am separate from my own Self – God.

As humans, we have all experienced  incarnations being the hungry starving people we see in media. The skeletons from the concentration camps are us.We know  in our gut and soul how the body feels when it is malnourished – how terrible it feels to die of starvation – and what behooves us to know is also how strongly this physical starvation and hunger is connected to the belief “I am not lovable.”

And that sensation – those experiences – are all connected to the belief “I am a separate being – this is MY experience.” It firmly plants us in the belief that we are a product of a cruel God who dishes out punishment to someone – and this “someone” must surely been guilty of something, being punished in this way.

So when these old archetypal patterns move within us, we eat. We take that extra glass of wine. And there is no harm in doing that as long as we know what is really going on underneath: we are sucked into an archetype, we are acting it out by pigging out.

There is another image of God – and without that Holy Image inside us all, we could not create anything. WITH the unlimited created power God has given us, we create infernos of limitation and  lack – and we justify our belief that we are unjustly treated to take from others what we think is our birthright.

It IS our birthright – and there are no “others.” What we seek is RIGHT HERE AND NOW in our  loving Heart that we share with all.

My friend and I share the great joy and expansion that happens when we see that what happens with the boy is a remnant from an old story belonging to humanity. It is in the mind, it can be healed in the mind.

Blessings are POWERFUL beyond measure – I see the effects on them on people I meet. You know me and bus drivers – I bless the grumpy and desperate-looking ones with “I bless you in your connection with your joy and Self. I bless you in your memory of Who you are in Truth.” More than often,their desperate looks slide right off.

Now we can do the same with this archetype of hunger and lack when we find it inside( and we find it inside each time we think it is REAL and react to it:) I bless you/myself in your/my true connection to my Self as God’s beloved Child, forever loved,loving and lovable. I bless you in your memory of Who you truly are.

Ordinary, but very unusual

The belief in a separate self is waning.

Yesterday I had an old neighbor and friend over for dinner. The conversation happened without any usual reactions from me: no irritations and no judgments of any kind – neither of her nor me. No inner dialog commenting – there was just a quiet radiant alive space, where our two voices and beings danced in a completely balanced rhythm. No one dominated.

Then we saw the DVD “Extremely loud and incredible close”  and my neighbor had a strong reaction to it: “This is not right. Why should I see such a sad story?” And my response was so different from the old usual one: I felt no guilt, just a loving willingness to hear reactions and feelings. No need to defend my choice for film, no need to be right – all that was simply absent.

In the night there was a new level of stone-hard tensions inside the torso – like my skeleton was a “me” holding tremendous tensions of all that was not permitted to exist/be seen: the humanity’s collective decision to “not see and not care.” I asked it  if it wanted to leave, and there was a yes AND a no. The yes allowed some of the  stonehardedness to melt and   moving out of the system.

I still love to tell stories – but it truly seems that I am not stuck in them any longer

Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

%d bloggers like this: