Drugged

I recently had a nightmare with psychotic elements in it. Blue pointed out that I was addicted to the “me” in the past – the one with psychoses. To the energy of it. The identification. He told me I was drugged.

Yesterday I watched an episode of Little house on the prairie – where the father holds his son while the son is in withdrawal from morphine. The father does not leave his son for ONE second, and I bawled all the way through it – the need of being HELD so the pain could be allowed to BE there.

On the bus stop toward home two days ago, the same day as the dream, a very drunk man slept in the bus-shelter. Drugged. I blessed him  in my mind, and he immediately woke up and came to me and asked for money. I had no cash. He asked, ” could you afford a loaf of white bread and some liver paste?” I bought it for him. The bus came, and the driver told me that I don’t need to pay because I was kind to that man.

Today I met that same man right in front of my bus on my way home – but on a different station. He beamed when he saw me, took my hand and shook it and put his cheek to mine. “You helped me!” he exclaimed, and when I entered on the bus – with a different driver – the driver said,, when I told him I am a senior, “are you really sure you are that old?”   His expression – so gentle.

Blue: “See – trust the process, Leelah. As inside, outside. The drugged are being met with kindness. And the driver loves you and takes you home.”

 

Innocence

This journey of coming to a place of Innocence

Twice now I have written here – and twice the whole post has disappeared, even though I marked and saved it – and both times, that sentence of innocence comes instead 🙂

Thank you, Blue

Third time counts 🙂  AND I get that this is about knowing I AM on this journey to complete utterly innocence – like Jeshua talks about in The Way Of Mastery

Last evening I discovered that my bottom rock belief and fear is “I am the scum of the world.”
Later in the evening I started sabotaging myself again – many times – and discovered that “i” enjoyed being “punished.”

Big released breath: “i” liked the energy of being punished – it felt “safe.”

WOW

I have for years ‘known’ that ‘the punished’ wants punishment to pay off the horrid guilt it believes it carries AND IDENTIFIES WITH – but I never FELT it until last evening. There is a vast space between intellectually knowing and feeling, being present with.

Jesus showed me an image I have explored before: ‘me’ laying on a pedestal, young Mayan virgin being sacrificed by having my heart cut out while alive, and the priest who does it is Benjamin – my friend now.

What was new now was that i felt the pillar of all hatred and anger that he had in his face and soul when he lifted that dagger, and I looked him in the face -and I sensed that in the second before he killed me, I  took all that into me as ‘me.”

In this life, i have explored that same hatred/rage/disgust at women from my father’s possessed “Mr.Hyde” when he raped me as a small child – and thought that this hatred came from him.

But it has always been my* choice to create it and explore it and be on both sides of it – to find THAT which embraces it and transforms it. And fully knowing that all of it happens in this 3-dimentional illusory world that consists of our collective fears and beliefs projected out.  This is how Jeshua describes “the world” in the last lesson of The Jewel Course:

The things of this world will no longer hold any value, meaning, or purpose. For it is given unto you to understand that although this world was created in error (I speak not of the trees. I speak not of the clouds. I speak not of the blessed rain and precious soil of your Holy Mother, but of the world of ideas constructed based on the belief in and guilt for, Separation), that world is going to be corrected.)

And the thing is – when that energy-frequency  presents itself now, via others around me, I can embrace it – when I am ALONE.

So Benjamin and I will be alone now ( otherwise he comes together with a beloved friend)  and the fear is tremendous that I will feel this – AND IDENTIFY WITH IT.

And YES, I see that I have created this  to truly find the innocent-space to embrace it all, and see it dissolve into Light, which Jeshua says will happen to this “phenomenal” world, as we all withdraw our projections of separation from the planet.

And I choose: If I identify with it when he is here – I will accept and love myself just as I am – and bless the situation and let go of any thought that “i” have to FIX this.

 

*my choice: By this me is meant the ME beyond time and space, the “spirit-me.”

 

 

 

Demasked

I have had several days with hateful inner voices – whose pattern is completely known and predictable, it’s like a tape going – gone through this uncountable times before, and each time I am aware that this cannot be “me” – and still it sucks me in, and I end up feeling identified with it – which truly hurts.

So this night I felt a decision to truly dive into that which underlies and causes that shitstorm. The focus was in my butt, which felt made of ice – and the deeper I came, the more resistance it seemed to create. I prayed for help.

Then, at one point, there was a shift – the identification went, and suddenly it felt very helpful and effective, healing-wise. Then I saw a group of elephants, and  I knew that I was working within the root chakra, where the earliest imprints are made about survival, feeling safe and nurtured. There were some primal feelings there that I allowed to come through me, they were all about feeling lonely and isolated. I was guided to do a practice that John Mark Stroud has taught us, that Jeshua taught him: to place the awareness at first inside the body – and then become aware of the space that surrounds us, HOLDS us in Love – and rest there, and then shift between this and body-awareness. I did not manage to get into the space outside of me – but suddenly I was certain that that space was infusing me and everything – so I chose to intend going into one of those “gaps” between matter and rest there – and instantly I felt peace and safety.

Now, from here I could turn to the very center of the hatred and anger at me for “doing it wrong” and I found myself blessing it. Or rather – I discovered Blessing and Grace as the very field embracing the core of hatred and anger. And now came the shift: I KNEW, beyond any doubt, that what the voices were hurling at me and threatening me, was not true: It was not true that I was alone and lonely – it was not true that God hated me and was out to get me. Intellectually, I had known this for years – but still, parts of me had felt completely driven and controlled by these false thoughts.

Now, this knowing that God/Love and I was One was felt kinesthetically . I saw blessing being everywhere and with everybody, no exceptions – only our imagination and perception may cloud it, if we choose to hang onto false thoughts.

To stop hating and fearing these hate-and-fear-thoughts – to just look through them with tenderness – can you imagine how wonderful it feels?

I hope you can

Resting

This night felt like one big blessing. There was resting and not much sleep, but it felt like a dark spell had lifted – I felt safe.

After having slept for a while, I awoke as something very unpleasant arose. “Are you ready?” I heard, and I was – and I spent long time breathing and being with a huge load of toxicity releasing itself. There was NO identification with it at all – again a sign that there had been a break in the dark connection.

I want this to last. I want to feel this freedom each time I go to bed from now on – the simplicity of resting in my body and energy, and being the Loving Self embracing it all.

There is no death. The Son of God is Free

Had a lot of resistance yesterday. Noticed it while it happened – judged it – yuck. Dreams with failing connection to taxis that should bring me home

Let me remember that I am Home, and that ego/me cannot come Home

Session with Kit yesterday:

We find out how vital it is to NOT come too late to our session: not let “anything else” prevent us from meeting up, fresh, rested, prepared. I notice that I often go to my mail right before we start – I think I have to deal with it before our session to save time, “I’ll only…” I tell myself – bullshit – oh the pain right under the Crown Chakra when I believe this stress-thought. I actually seem to believe it is VERY important to get that mail done right then.

It is not important AT ALL. It is absurd

NO: I need to sit and breathe and be present, to honor my connection with glorious Kit and the glorious work we do together – and I prepare for it by just sitting and being.

Now ego is telling me that I use up too much space here with all these spaces and line-shifts – let me just realize that I have boundless space at my disposal.

I want to share with Peter how important for me it is to speak out – and how strong brakes there are on that. This is what I am going to do, Peter – that gives me grounding.

We are sharing stressed situations with clients – and exploring what happens when instead of sitting with it as it is NOW, we try to “deal” with it: it creates guilt, shame and judgments. We feel we are being painted into a corner when we do not have a solution. It creates desperation. “I don’t know any way out of this stuck place!” we say and try to DO something – but just recognizing the blind alley IS the way out – to stay there and WATCH IT. Kit sees an image now: some “green doors that seem to be good ones to go through – but they are pitfalls – you go through and you lose your footings.Then there is a feeling of burning under my feet if I stay – but that is a purification.I see how meaningful it is to just BE with the unsolved situation.”

Allow the “push to fix” to rest – allow the solution to come organically. It will come, when we don’t judge

Kit says: It is Heaven to BE with it – and Hell to try to fix it and be the one who fixes it.

I take a quick trip out of the room to tape a radio program. The first words I hear the announcer say, is: “ A journey through the Heavens – but also through pitch-black Hell.”

 

Today, 5.July -2014

I am working with this lesson 163 in the Course: Death is a thought which takes on many forms, often unrecognized. It may appear as sadness, fear, anxiety or doubt; as anger, faithlessness and lack of trust; concern for bodies, envy, and all forms in which the wish to be as you are not may come to tempt you. All such thoughts are but reflections of the worshipping of death as savior and as giver of release. A Course in Miracles; Lesson 163 – There is no death. The Son of God is Free

Death is the separation thought: that I CAN be without God.

I was listening to Lisa’s audio this morning on week 17 in our training program. I had strong pains in the left side of the body, realized that they were an impossibility in reality, that they were my creation from an identification with ego – and suddenly the mp3 player stopped transmitting sounds. I fiddled with it for a minute and remembered that this means that right now I need to do nothing: just BE with the resistance that is manifesting as this electronic block to listening. I recalled two days ago when both lawn movers died on me- the electricity worked, but not the machines. I realized the sign and just stopped trying to fix it.

Then I fell asleep and dreamed, and when I woke up, it felt important to remember it. I asked for help, relaxed and got nothing. I then listened to the now functioning mp3 player, and came to the place where it had zonked out: Lisa said “ the only appropriate reaction to a Son of God is appreciation.”

AH! Lightening! I realized that I had judged myself when it stopped – just as I had judged myself and the situation when my lawnmowers had stopped working.

Now I instantly approved of myself  -patted my shoulders, stroke my cheeks, talked loving to myself. And NOW I remembered the dream! I could not hear BLUE as long as I was angry at myself and judged myself – as long as I chose fear, Love is not available. The anger was invisible – as long as I identified with it.

The dream showed me in the common state of returning Home – and once again I had too much luggage, and I could not find it. I found only one small rucksack – WHITE – it contained a water bottle and another essential items on the journey: a small journal and pen. All was shining new.

(My old red rucksack is 55 years old, people – time for a new white one!)

Dream-Leelah did not understand that the new white rucksack IS hers. But I do. And there are delicate drawings in it: It points  me to do drawing again each day. I just finished yesterday a big art-project that has taken ½ year, and yesterday I received in my mailbox a book I ordered some months ago:

The awakened eye: A companion volume to The Zen of seeing, seeing/drawing as meditationby Frederick Franck(1979)

Excellent timing once again.

I will draw small things – details: snails. Straw. Grass. Flowers. Twigs. Seeds!

And now – connected to the Self with Joy and gratitude – does the pain seep out, seen as an impossible idea.

And it came back – and I know it is an impossibility from the Place I rest in – so it goes again. And then there is the thought “but what if -“and it returns – could it be clearer? It comes back because I just gave power to the belief of the possibility of “what if -.”

I created it by believing in its possibility.

ALL the power rest in me – what do I choose? What do I WANT TO choose?

The mind cannot oppose Truth and God, but it CAN pretend it is sleeping. Today I will observe where I go asleep – and chose again

Remembering what is true

I just woke up – its 5am – after a dream where I am one of a group of 3 terrorists. Adrenalin is coursing through me, it feels overwhelming. There is a huge fear that this will be my end.

I open  a wise-quote book. It is a quote from an earlier teacher, Elia Wise, where she reminds me that what I am feeling, is not “me” – I am picking it up

this breaks the connection to “me” being “guilty” of this.

Quiet now. Looking with Jesus and not ego.

“Go to your mail.”

I find Lyn’s posting of the day’s lesson with Ken’s remarks. As I read them, I forgive everything I have been holding on to – that is, fear and identification with it. The wave of adrenalin is softly abating, and replaced with tender warmth and care for my wellbeing.

Here are some of the quotes from Ken that were most helpful right now:

We do not have to seek for the light, but need only look within, where
the light is. Remembering the truth that is already present in us, we realize
that nothing has changed, and so nothing need change. Thus Jesus exhorts us,
again, not to exceed the little willingness asked of us by the Holy Spirit.

“It is not necessary that you do more; indeed, it is necessary that you
realize that you cannot do more. Do not attempt to give the Holy Spirit what He
does not ask, or you will add the ego to Him and confuse the two.”
(T-18.IV.1:5-6).

“Nothing at all has happened but that you have put yourself to sleep, and
dreamed a dream in which you were an alien to yourself, and but a part of
someone else’s dream. The miracle does not awaken you, but merely shows you who the dreamer is.” (T-28.II.4:1-2).*

We repeatedly see Jesus’ emphasis on our need to recognize that both problem and
solution are in our minds. In fact, there is nothing but our minds, where
perception starts — light or darkness — and where it ends — love or fear.
Everything is projection. Understanding this characteristic of the split mind is
the vision of Christ to which Jesus leads us and which we know well:

Do not seek vision through your eyes, for you made your way of seeing that you might see in darkness, and in this you are deceived. Beyond this darkness, and yet still within you, is the vision of Christ, Who looks on all in light. Your “vision” comes from fear, as His from love.” (T-13.V.8:1-6;9:1-3).*

(10:3-7) “For it is we who make the world as we would have it. Now we choose
that it be innocent, devoid of sin and open to salvation. And we lay our saving
blessing on it, as we say:

The peace of God is shining in me now.
Let all things shine upon me in that peace,
And let me bless them with the light in me.”
This at last – from The song of peace:

The melody of peace is always there.
It neither dies nor wavers. It remains
A calm, soft sound, more still than silence, and
An ageless recollection in the minds
That God created. Ceaselessly it sings
To all the world, that it remember Him.
The sounds of earth are quieted before
This ancient melody, which speaks of love
In limitless dimensions. Where is fear,
When God has guaranteed that He is here?*

In this moment, it is radiantly clear that I have and am what I am searching for: I will look out for the impulse to “do” things to feel better or “heal” myself – and instead choose to accept the healing and Love that is already here.
 

 

 

 

 

 

Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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