Open Letter to a Friend with OCD

dear Victoria

this is about the place where you seem to be, where you think you are. I am working with the same issue – the willingness to realize fully that I am as God created me – that I am not my chronic lung problems, I am not a victim of it, i am not a victim of a past that my soul/Self chose from a high level to have me live through. I know i chose it to truly KNOW that I am not my experiences – I am the eternal witness/awareness of it.

This morning it became crystal clear that as long as I insist of BEING the person who has gone through all those horrors, I am denying the power God has given me. The person-me is constructed from a zillion of beliefs based on what others has told me – what media tells me – and my own conclusions of the traumatic situations I went through.. I judged them and myself and made  fear-based conclusions about what they meant about “me:” I was stupid, wrong etc.  So I  put pressure on myself to deny and repress that “stupid me” and adapt to the demands from “the others” to be accepted – and this persona, a bunch of beliefs and habits and fear based patterns, we believe to be Who we are.

I know better, and I know you do to.

Still, we hang on to them, precisely because we think we ARE that.

I have held on to the abused- tortured-traumatized-me to avoid stepping truly into my power, which is my true connection  to God acting through me. I have noticed that when I decide to do something challenging to the old pattern, fear/ lung problems act up like crazy, to “protect” me from leaving that old pattern  since this self is terrified of dying.

Still:

sometimes I have insisted of doing these things that has horrified me.The defenses – that I HAVE PROGRAMMED FROM FEAR AND IMMATURITY  – have painted all kind of catastrophes on the wall. When I have believed in those images and threats, believed them to be REAL, I have felt very bad, and then I have taken that as a sign from God that I should NOT do this.

Still, there has been this kind still Voice that has said ” You know sweetie, what if you take a chance and go there all the same. If you hurt when you get there, just return.”

So – when I have done this, the result has been fantastic: I have been with others in a new and empowered way.  have found myself speaking from my Power/my connection to Source. I have felt strong! Joyful!

The last this  I did was this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HE89f600ETA

This is one of doctor Carsten Höller’s creations at the Henie Onstad Museum.“The Slide produces a sense of loss of control and an opportunity”, as he says himself, “to experience an emotional state that is a unique condition somewhere between delight and madness.”

It took some time before I picked up my courage, as I was terribly afraid – but I did it!  and he is quite right – “state between pleasure and madness” is right. When I reached the other end, my brain convinced me that I had twisted around at least three – four times – but it was just one long turn.

And I had lost about 40 pounds, it felt like – and when I walked to the bus over a big green field with slopes, there were swallows around me. They flew 30 cm about the ground and circled me and figure-8’ed me, and I shivered and cried because they played with me – and I have not seen swallows the last 10 years and have missed them like crazy.

I knew this happened because I had left the old “safe” and anxious persona, trusting God would let me fall through it and receive me safely down at the end of it.

He did – through  a very smiling loving guide who received me.

Beloved sister: I know that my most painful experiences actually have created the greater gifts that I could not have offered now to the world. The maneuvering through all of it has made me who I am today, being able to predominantly have a loving connection to the energies in those moments of trauma. But that is only true when I am willing to have that old fear-persona-identity dissolved. Again and again recognizing that fear is not what I want, being willing to be wrong about who I am as a persona.

My The cancer and the horrible radiation-experience was turned around the moment I decided to give it all over to the Divine: “Archangel Michael, I call you forth! I want your energy to flow through this radiation-machine. I want my cells only to receive what is healing and loving.”

There was a clear light and an instant knowing that I had been heard.
And  contrary to medical science, the pain and symptoms after the radiation ended, did NOT continue the expected 14 days after the end. Meaning: so-called grave illnesses may disappear if we truly are willing to let go of your limited view of ourself.

What if God does not create illnesses – what if we do, as a way to control ourselves – and also to explore what beliefs create  pain  and illness and what dissolves them.

What if you are not under the shadow of the OCD, unless you choose to be. And I am speaking about the parts of you that still want to hang only the old identity. What if it is possible to say, “I will act as if there is no OCD that can control me, since I choose God to control me.”

That is a good question since  it makes us reflect on what we truly believe about God.

(And S/He certainly does not push us to understand NOW :))

I clearly see how I have identified with being powerless and under “others” shadow, and being safe only if I use control and my horrible traumas to stay “safe.” These were formed when I WAS under others’ shadow – no wonder I bought into that belief system. It has only taken me 72 years to get here – that is not much, considering the zillion of life-experiences we all have. Please do not read any judgment about that: we do what we do until we feel safe enough to do better.

What if you and I were willing to drop these beliefs and habits as our “protectors” and allow Holy Spirit to take over. What if it were perfectly OK to drop into old patterns again – and what if it was OK to not do it too

I know from long experience that I do not need to know with my brain what to “do” – all I need, is to let go of the belief that I am doing my life on my own.My little willingness to be wrong is all that is needed.

What if we are truly here to share our gifts – and what if our gifts are easy to find, since we LOVE them and love playing with them – in my case, images, storytelling, drama and poems.

So right now I invite you – and myself – to sink into this: what is the deepest feeling underlying my  the lung-condition ( your the OCD?) …is there any movement in energy around it? Is it available for unconditional LOVE? Do I ALLOW LOVE to come into this, once and for all? Am I willing to not know what it is about?

– – –

For me, it was a field of utter loneliness, like “outcast.” Staying with that pure feeling as energy was pure bliss, as long as the judgments about it fall.

Then I heard the question- “And is this the Truth about who you are?”

And then Love poured in “ I AM BIGGER THAN THAT FEAR, THOSE SENSATIONS.” I am that eternal awareness that surrounds it all – loves it and transforms it – and you and I need do NOTHING for it to happen – except state that little willingness to admit that our way has not brought peace and happiness.

Your gift is very clear, my friend: you are called to put the sacred into images as photos, so that we can recognize it and feel the hope in that. Your love for horses is just as strong as the horses’ love for you. It takes an exquisite sensitivity to be in that state of communication with Nature. All of this will create a beautiful momentum when you  decide you are ready to be willing to disrespect the OCD as TRUTH, and instead just sit with the energy of it. The stories and inner screams will be loud and insistent, but now you know they come from the OCD itself – they do not come from YOU and can simply be ignored.

What if only our belief in these limitations upholds all these old patterns

What if pampering them makes them stick

What if freedom quietly surrounds all of it and just waits on our welcome – just as Love.

And here is a caveat: Not pampering them comes NOT from pushing the symptoms down, judging them, repressing them -: it comes from freely saying yes to BE with them.

And that is a choice.

Blessing them and embracing them is a choice too

And what if doing a bit of slacking with chocolate/whatever now and then is better than beating ourselves up for not “doing spirituality right.”

I thank you for your post on Facebook, for bringing your situation up to the surface for us all, acknowledging our deep need for transformation…

Much love!

Leelah

 

 

 

 

sillynilly today

O’Fellah

 One time Iago ( who was a playmate of Othello when they were children) made fun of Othello’s nose, and Othello boxed him on his. Iago’s. It did not look good, and Iago lost a front tooth. He then exclaimed what would be a world famous line:” Just wait Ophello, I’ll get you back when you least expect it, I will” and he spat blood.

Othello thought he called him a “fellah,”, a strong invective in those times. and that enraged him even more, and there went the other front tooth.

And a taster from “108 ways to turn crises into possibilities.” They work for problems and illnesses and overwhelm too 🙂

 

End of the world

If the world would end in 20 minutes, and only what you have written down here would be allowed to continue to exist – what would it be? Be specific: not books, but Oliver Twist. Not flowers, but dandelions and poppies. Not trees, but the spruce on the churchyard where I played as 4-year old. –Honor what has gilded your life! How could you bring more of these treasures into your life and crisis NOW? To be able to contain crisis, we need to remember to nourish our soul and self: this nourishment, this knowledge of what you treasure, builds your ability to contain the pain and overwhelm.

 

Healing Without Rejecting

Written yesterday, November 15

I  experience right now  the very essence of what I have called the inner attacker in my mind – that I so often have manifested/projected on the “outside” world. To allow it is a bliss beyond words, and still I will use words to share with you.

What gave the rise to the healing that is now in action – is this:

I share two long ladders with my neighbors in the row of our houses. You can hatch them into each other if you need to climb really high. My new neighbors have put up a new “holder” for it – – and now I have to stand on a smaller ladder to reach up under the roof where these two big ladders are hatched into each other, to take one of them down. They weigh a lot. The little ladder is wiggly and so I feel very wobbly up there.

This put me straight into the very essence of this old attach/defense-wound: “They (my neighbor) WANT me to fall down, to suffer, to hurt myself. They are attacking me. I HATE THEM and want them to suffer as I do.”

It is remarkable to notice that all this still go on on the inside, like a tape – and that as long as I do not become aware of it, IT commands my mind: I think this is ME.

AMAZING to experience the power of it.

I got another taller neighbor to get one of the ladders down for me – he too had to struggle hard to get separate them from that hatch-mechanism – (seen as a proof that I was right in my judgment of my neighbors. And that my intense hatred of them was justified – my strong perception and belief was that they did this to attack me.)

People – this is how it looks when we carry deep old atrocious pain from our childhood – and have been told by parents and society that” you are BAD if you have these BAD feelings – anger is BAD, and especially GIRLS are BAD when they show them. Hatred: oh you are beyond redemption – since now GOD does not love you either. God ONLY loves nice children.”

So I braved myself and went over to my neighbors, and the woman came out. Her face looked contorted when she opened her door – and now I realize that this were mirror-neurons – her face reflected how I looked and felt unconsciously. Still, we talked friendly how we could solve this – and she told me that her husband, who is very tall, had bumped his head into the ladder when it was lying in the way it used to before they got this new hatch.

It turned out that she talked in generally – but my first impulse was that my sin had almost killed him.

OHMYGOD maybe he now lied inside bleeding because of me – GUILTY BAD GIRL – I must be punished

And everything the body felt at that time  60 years ago when this was learned, I learned to push down – or rather, the defense mechanism pushed it.

And so it has been all my life – 71 years – and this morning, I was turned around TOWARD the wound, with Matt Kahns words. He is teaching us how to talk to our self:

“So we close our eyes and relax our breath, and I say on your behalf: whether to this mind, to this heart, to this body, to any memory, to any grudge, to any disappointment, to any grief, to any loss, to any form of lack, to any illness, disease or unbalance: “I am so sorry that I have judged you so harshly and forgotten that you are a catalyst of Divinity. No matter how you were sent, and how you appear in my life. I realize that you are bringing to my attention an opportunity for me to enter into such an accelerated journey of healing beginning to balance the decease or the conditions that has come to me. As of this moment, I no longer judge myself for what I have manifested,I no longer judge other for what I seem to be dealing with, and instead I realize that I have manifested this as an opportunity to grow in consciousness, to manifest what I have previously judged as “less”, or “lacking”, as something less than the Light, and it is an opportunity for me to change my relationship with Life.”

This radiant moment I understand why it says that Light has no opposite: it’s because of my judgment of the situation/what is happening that I perceive the Light as darkness and pain – in reality, this is the greatest gift Life and God could give me right now.

“Thank you for being in my life. I love you so much. You are beautiful and you are wonderful just as you are. And maybe instead of asking the Universe to heal this and clear this out of my field – what if I take a revolutionary step: What if I say to the disease, the imbalance, to the pain, to the suffering, what if I say to IT: what can I do for you to give you a better experience of me?”

And so – this is what I did this morning – when I sensed the utterly familiar sensation of the lump: hatred, this shouldn’t be like this, I am wrong, I do it wrong, I hate myself, I hate THEM, I hate God for not helping me through this ( writing this, my heart is skipping beats) oh this is hopeless I give up (but at least I am being nice about it.)

And I turned toward it and asked it what Matt suggested.

This is a collective thought form/entity/”being” that the Holy Son of God has manifested since time and space and has accepted as real. It is not “mine” – and I have made it utterly mine, because of my denial of its Original Light. In this moment, in this One Mind that I Am – it is being brought to healing.

What can I do for you to give you a better experience of me?”

The first it said was “please give up your judgment of me – that turns me into darkness.”

And then “ just BE with me as the judgment-spell is taken off me”

I realize I have demonized my Self – and that It is not in the least affected by it – why? Because I am ever only hurt by my perception: in reality, the Self is eternally pure and Holy Spirit, but I – and we all – have pretended it is not.

And that is the prerequisite for separation.

In reality, nothing happened – and as long as I still partly identify with the body, I will experience the consequences of that original error –

But it is not serious, as Jesus repeatedly tells us in the Course, and in the Way of Mastery.

This is Matt’s take on healing without rejecting

“-How can I serve you – your sweet pain?

“- If we ever turn into whatever we try to heal, let us remember the two word mantra “Thank You. Thank you for being a part of my life. Thank you for being what guarantees my love becomes unconditional. Thank you for being immune for all my spiritual negotiation and manipulation, for not allowing me to turn away from this invitation to love myself. Thank you for the opportunity to be a steadfast teacher in my life and to only bring to my attention how much more support and love that I need to give to myself – even if I live in a world where everyone else seems to be concerned with everyone else except me. Thank you for ensuring my healing will be complete when my love has become more unconditional in nature. Thank you! I love having you in my life. – We have to shift from “I don’t want to have this in my life, to “hello beautiful catalyst of consciousness, hello disease, hello imbalance, hello grief, hello loss, hello disappointment, hello victimhood – what can I do to serve your journey? How can I make your experience of me better? How can I focus on being more interested in serving the experience of the illness and imbalance within me – instead of trying to get rid of it, and how I wish life would change? Can we turn inward, and just complement and honor this illness, imbalance and disease like it is child, just begging for love and approval – “you are perfect the way you are, even if I hate the experience you provide.” I know you are only here to be loved, even if I hate the feelings in my body. How can I create the best experience in my body while you are with me – I know this isn’t going last forever – but this will go on until I change the way I relate to myself, instead of insisting things must change first within me. How can I serve your experience? Let me be your companion – let me be your friend – and may it make my love unconditional – for the evolution of my journey and the benefit for all I am meant to encounter. Thank you for this disease, thank you for this illness, thank you for this imbalance, thank you for this pain, thank you for this adversity, thank you for this opportunity to bear my soul and become more honest, loving ,compassionate and complementary than ever before, thank you thank you thank you.

Everything that shows up in my field is what the other consciousness has not yet embraced. It does not matter if it is “mine” or “their” – it is here to be complemented like I am its closest companion.

.

Reality – and where we think we live

My friend Coreen R.Walson allowed me to print her crystal clear teaching story about reality here.  When you find yourself reacting with WHAT! please read to the end: reality is the upside-down of what it seems to be in this world.

And I couldn’t have read that if I had not experienced this upside-down perception myself –  where the laws of Love were seen to be quite the opposite from the laws of “nature.”

Enjoy.

*

THE HALLWAY –

Imagine a long hallway, and you are at the beginning of it. And at the other end is a brilliant, white light, yet it is soft and warm, and inviting. And you know intuitively that it is your job to keep focused on this white light. While you are in this hallway, you experience perfect peace, complete satisfaction, a quiet sense of joy and a tremendous sense of gratitude, and a remembrance of your connection to and Oneness with the Creator floods your consciousness. And in this stillness you know that everything works together in perfect harmony, and all that you ever need is effortlessly supplied for you, because it is your Creator’s pleasure to provide all that it’s creation needs and desires. And you are in a state of awe before the grandeur of reality, the perfect balance, the rhythm of life, the perfection, the beauty and the Love the permeates you and your surroundings.

And as you begin walking down this hallway, you notice that this hallway is lined with doors. All of them look identical. Then all of the sudden, one of them swings open and there stands your best friend, with a panicked look on their face, motioning for you to come in and look! And because you love your friend, and you are concerned, you enter into the door, and find yourself in a room, where there are chairs lined up facing a movie projector, that is playing a movie called scarcity. And your friend is talking rapidly about how the economy has been hit very hard recently due to a crisis in the housing market, how prices for food and gasoline have gone up, how there is a shortage of food, and jobs are hard to find, and she can’t afford her rent . . . . and you watch your friend point to the movie playing, and you see how agitated she is, . . . and as your eyes become accustomed to the dark in the room, you see people sitting in the chairs, some with their eyes glued to the screen, some have fallen asleep in their chairs because they’ve been there so long. And then you receive a stirring within you, . . . . and a still, small voice reminds you of where you just came from, . . .that feeling . . . where was it . . . oh yes, back outside in the hallway, where all your needs are always provided for effortlessly, where you are safe and loved and cared for. And you try to take your friends arm and go back out the door, but your friend keeps staring at the movie screen, irritated that you aren’t seeing what is right before your eyes. “Look!”, she insists, “don’t you see what’s happening?” “don’t you care?” But as you try to explain what is on the other side of the door, the volume of the movie gets louder, and your friend goes back to the screen, mouth open and eyes full of fear. You realize that you cannot help her, that you must go back into the hallway alone.

As you enter into the hallway, the stillness and peace welcome you. You take a moment to allow yourself to readjust from the previous scenes of chaos and calamity to the knowing off the presence of God and His dominion over all. You exhale, and are so grateful to be back Home.

As you continue down the hallway further, another door opens and it’s a family member, crying and begging you to come into the room and see. You immediately head for the door to see what’s the matter, and just as you cross the threshold into the room, there was a still small voice that asked you whether that was a good idea, but this is family, and they are crying, and you dismiss the voice and you go into the room, and there on the movie screen are very disturbing and very real looking sick people and scenes of illness and disease, with narrators talking about symptoms and the seasons that people will most likely suffer from these unavoidable illnesses, how long they will last and what medications you can buy to help alleviate your inescapable suffering. You see the fear and horror in the eyes of your family member and you begin telling him that what they are looking at is only a movie being played out on a movie screen, that it isn’t real, . . you point out that there is, in reality, nothing going on except that he or she is mesmerized by what is playing out in front of them. There is nothing actually taking place, that all he or she needs to do is come out of the room where everyone experiences perfect health. But your family member looks at you like you’re absurd, argues on the side of the scenes of numbers showing high fevers, paled skin color, runny noses and difficult breathing. “Look at the pain these people are in! How can you deny this?! You obviously don’t care, either that or you are delusional.” And with defiance in their eyes, they turn away from you, and you see that he or she has returned to join the others, sitting in their seats, staring at the movie screen, fixated on the images of suffering sense, . . . and again, you feel the familiar tug to go out of this room, and you head back out into the hallway.

You continue on a bit further now, again a door opens wide, and your mother steps out, and she looks frail and scared. And she asks you to come into the room with her. And you don’t want to go, but it’s your mother, and your heart wants to reach out to her, and you go in and the movie of unavoidable death is playing. And your mother is wringing her hands, and you go to comfort her. And you want her to come out in the hallway with you, where Life is eternal and she listens to you for a bit. You tell her that her life is complete out in the hallway, that she is spiritual and eternal, you ask her to remember Who made her and that she is not a limited, physical body but a free and perfect spiritual Idea of the Divine Mind that created her. And you think she’s convinced, and she stands up with you, and as you head for the door, she takes another look at the movie screen, and looks back at you, and with great sadness tells you that death is inevitable and that she loves you. You stand there, looking at the screen, and tears well up inside you, but your hand is on the door to the hallway, and you shudder over this moment, as you are being called to remember the Truth of being, all the while being consumed with the sadness and grief on the screen in front of your physical eyes. Just then you hear the still small voice tell you that you are of no real help to anyone as long as you stay in the room. The only place you can help another is from the standpoint of perfection, back in the hallway. If you are in the room, you are accepting the reality of the movie being projected, and you are no longer awake to Truth and Reality. “Aha”, you exclaim as you remember once again the experience of the hallway and with this renewed strength you grab the door handle, and enter back into it.

A wave of joy, of gratitude, wash over you, you shed tears in Thanks to an All Mighty God and his infinite goodness as the former pictures are wiped away and you recall the Truth that sets us free.

As you continue your journey, new doors begin to open up, some people you recognize, some you don’t. And you acknowledge these people, and sometimes you might strain your neck to see what movie is playing in the room, but you don’t enter into the room. You begin talking to those in the room while standing in the hallway. Some of them slam the door on your face, others listen for a moment and then shake their head and close the door. But you begin to realize that the longer you stand in the hallway, the more certain you are about the truth of being, the more influence you begin to have over those who are in the rooms. They listen to you a bit longer, they notice that there is something different about you, . . a light perhaps, a certainty, a knowing . . something that they recognize in you . . . . . that makes them want to listen to you more, . . . .

And then one day, a woman opens a door, and pleads with you to come in to see the “help me my child is dying” movie. And there is not a single part of you that is in the least bit interested in going into that room. But you feel immense compassion for this woman. And you look back up at the light at the head of the hallway, and with this surge of Love and Power, you look her straight on in the face, and you declare to her that what she is standing aghast at is nothing! It is a movie on a movie screen, and nothing more. And that she has the power and authority and ability to walk out of that room any time she wants to! That her life and the life of her child are always perfect, safe and secure with God. That no power exists to end, alter or destroy Life. Life is of God, He is Life itself, Eternal Life, with no beginning and no ending. You share with her the story of your brother Jesus Christ, how he came to prove the nothingness of death, the Allness of Life, that he overcame the grave, and gave us the victory over the illusion of death. And you saw something click in this woman’s eyes, she remembered, . . . . she smiled and without looking back she entered into the hallway with you. She was transformed as she walked out to join you, beauty and holiness radiated from within her, she laughed as she threw her head back and faced the light, she was overjoyed to recall her birthright, and sang out in thanks because she was overcome with gratitude. And you felt something, as you looked down, her child had joined the both of you, and the child took your hand and his mother’s hand, and looked into your eyes, and said “thank you”.

And that’s when more Truth began dropping into place for you. Yes! My job here is to stand firmly in this hallway, where I receive all that I need to do the Father’s Will, and to beckon to those who are in these rooms, hypnotized by the pictures. And this desire sprang up, and compassion was in the driver’s seat, and you humbly asked for guidance on how to spring your beloveds out of these rooms. And you heard the following:

These rooms are like refrigerator doors. The light comes on inside them only when you open the door, and the light shuts off when you close the door. Like the refrigerator door, the movie in these rooms only start when the door opens and when the doors shut, the movie turns off. This is because the movies, which are only false beliefs being projected outwards, need a watcher, a witness, in order to be seen. A false belief requires a believer to have any influence or power. If there is no believer, there is nothing to the false belief. If there is no witness, there is no movie playing in the room.
So unless there is an observer in the movie room, the movie isn’t playing. And if there isn’t a believer, there is no false belief to mesmerize us. And then came the punch line, you hear in the most sweetest, kindest, most loving voice, “ and by the way, I never created a false believer”.

And you take a step back, . . . and you gasp, and the tears fall, and you begin laughing . . . laughing because you realize that you had still been mesmerized yourself while in the hallway, seeing doors with false believers past them, taken in and feeling responsible or concerned for others, . . . . when all along, there is no such thing as a false believer, a false belief, a scary picture, an illness, sickness or death, or a sufferer of an illness, sadness or of scarcity. You see with infinite clarity the perfection of what God is and what God created. The new understanding takes on a vastness, an expansion that goes beyond your physical senses and moves through you and out into everything that you see. You are transformed by the freedom that this Truth brings, and you can’t help but be so grateful that everything that you felt was so real before was nothing but a false concept that you left behind because you know that you have the mind of Christ, and therefore you are not a believer of false images and nobody else is either. What is true for you is true for everyone! And you claim this out loud, and you thank God for it. And then you hear voices from behind you, and as you turn around, there is your best friend, your Mother, your family members, and a host of others that you recollect from the dream, and they are smiling at you, and you are laughing and celebrating with one another, even poking fun at each other, playing like kids and enjoying the Presence of God, the Allness of good, and the absolute nothingness of its supposed opposite. You see the Truth in each other’s eyes, you recognize your Oneness in one another, and you are overcome with Love. There is nothing else. Nothing else matters, nothing else is real, nothing else is acknowledged.

And in a moment, you all stop, and look back towards the light, and the most beautiful music you’ve ever heard starts to play, and the walls to the hallway fall away, and you see colors you’ve never seen before above you, and every part of your being comes vibrantly alive and together you hear, “well done, my good and faithful servant” and you are welcomed Home.

 

Healing our view of the world

This is Tapas Fleming, one of the great spiritual teachers on this globe. She has truly demonstrated how to heal herself and to see herself as God has created us – and we who have learned this simple method are in awe of its practicality and simplicity – and its efficiency to change what is not beneficial, into health and happiness. I can’t count the times when doing TAT has changed for good sickness and pain – and negative habits and conditions – in my life.

Doing this video, you will join with thousands of people and TAT-practitioners all over the world who use this very simple method of doing a pose and stating certain beliefs/statements, while holding certain acupressure points that help the bodymind process what you say.

I cried all the way through doing this – the feeling of connecting to our true nature is tremendous for me.

(The method is freely down loadable on www.TATlife.com

 Click on “How to do TAT on a stressful event” and get the method for free in your mailbox.)

http://myhome.tatlife.com/home/24va/order

The Nice Girl

Dream: I have a client who is boundless manipulative. I sense this only energetically: there is nothing “wrong” with what she says, but all she does not say -everything going on under the surface of subliminal signs and signals.

I am possessed by an enormous rage I only experience in dreams. I hiss like a wild cat and grab her and scream “get out of my house!” Her body is strangely pliable, like rubber – I recognize this as a sign of the demonic, who’s very essence is MADE of our repressing and judging our feelings, needs and expressions.*

I wake up after the third screaming sequence – her expression is mean and threatening and she lets me know this will have consequences.

THANK YOU Holy Spirit for this dream! It does not take many minutes to recognize how I am the manipulating girl: it was a survival mechanism for my first 20 years. Now Grace has showed me the very make-up of it – very thorough work, this

Gradually I go deeper as H.S. is looking with me. There are layers:

First the terror at the abuse and insanity

Then, when I understand there will be no protection from this – and no comfort, no acknowledgment of what happens – I fall into a mode of survival: pleasing. I am “The Sweet Helpful Girl. “

Next time you meet a pleaser and cringe, be grateful instead – the cringe means that you have the same energetic pattern ingrained in your mind and nervous system, and now you can offer it up for correction and forgive it.

All of that sweet pleasing is covering up pure murderous rage – which has to be completely denied for both child and parents and siblings for the charade to continue. And since the hatred cannot be directed outward, it turns back on US.

The stage is set for grand manipulation.

No wonder we get sicknesses – being under such tremendous unconscious attack all the time. No wonder cancer could manifest inside this body that mirrored a mind that harbored so much self-hatred.

It is wonderfully releasing to realize this pattern – at last FEEL it as energy. As long as I unconsciously judge and repress this energy within me, it cannot be forgiven and released. And it will be mirrored back to me from outside, by people who pour their blame on me. That happens rarely to me these days, which is a nice sign

As I write this, I yawn and fart and tears comes, muscles twitch, more releasing

The manipulating girl in the dream – who comes for “therapy” to me – is of course me. I see her now, giggling – she has my face, which is proper. There is freedom and light in the image now

Her threat was real: it WOULD have had dire consequences for my health and well-being to allow this old pattern to wreak havoc any longer.

The beauty is: three times in my life -in my thirties – has people said that they feel something manipulative in me. That was done in a group therapy, and was always immediately denied by other participants who comforted me and told me not to mind these screwed up people.

No: they were absolutely sane, and honest, and brave to say this and then be attacked by the group. Their accusation was acutely felt – and I believe that if I never had been pointed to this, I may have overlooked it.

Thanks to Grace who always is thorough. When I offer my willingness to look, she really opens it up

*

More about this in  my book “When  fear comes home to Love” on this blog – and also ways to dissolve these  deeply unconscious demonic structures in our mind and nervous system.

Squahed centipede

My son I law is 50 next summer. I have planned a gift which will honor him as a father,friend,dancer and Lieutenant Colonel. I had made numerous ideas, sketches and intuitions on some papers, and hid them when he came visiting. Today a new great idea came, and I could not find those darn papers.

I noted with interest how I instantly went into the old well-known mode of hating myself as the first correct thing to do. Then came the disaster stories – and gradually,  the idea that these somehow belonged to “me.” I watched “me” getting really angry, looking and watching everywhere, noticing the sensations becoming murky and acidly in the body. And decided that it was enough of that – and found myself telling myself that I looked forward to finding those papers and smiling and that it would happen in perfect timing.

Then I found myself open a cupboard which was a very illogic place for putting papers – and there they were, on top of a stack of plates.

It took 3 seconds from I stated my new intention to I found them

It is possible that I will drop the drama next time I search for something

*

Now, a dream from last night:

I am cleaning the space around my child’s bed – she is about 12 in the dream. Lots of old dust  around the head side of the bed –  beanpoles, centipedes – creepy crawlies, the Native Indians call them. Both my daughter and I hate hate hate creepy crawlies.

A centipede runs away from the bed – it senses that I am out to hate and kill, and runs. I find a stick and hit it. Again and again. It is disgusting, it bursts, but it still is alive, and I hate what I am doing but in my mind there is no alternative to creepy crawlies than to kill them and the more I hit the bigger it grows. It now has the distinct head of a porcupine.

I wake up

The more I tried to kill it /resists it, the bigger it grows…yes, I just made it real by resisting it. All the self-hatred and disgust that the Son of God has believed is his identity as a separated  somebody is projected into a world of forms where we now can watch what we have created: now the disgust and self-hatred is projected on the “other” – but as our bodies also are just thoughts in the One mind projected out, our bodies also hide our self-hatred and disgust and shame to a certain degree and put it into muscles,bones and blood

What is Cancer, if not cells attacking other cells in the same body?

What is illness, if not projecting our guilt and perceived sinfulness into our body? We have our own crawlies inside as bacteria. Some  are “good”, some are bad – the body could not live without the “good” ones – yet it is just a reflection of the basic ego thought of kill or be killed.

Good God what a thought-system we believe in – no wonder we fear a god who could be thought to create such a world

I am lying in bed and allowing the ravaging pains in the body — and forgiving myself for believing in the first Tiny Mad Idea

Violently repressed and denied, now sensed inside this body – kept there until I am willing to take the projection back and see that it is just a false thought, part of the insane thought system of the ego.

Waves of sickness and shooting pains rise to the surface – is seen through and released

I remember the image of the growing centipede’s body being smashed to pulp and still, agonized, living – but  seen now, although it appeared completely real, it was just a dream.

This is how the world was – and is – made, ac.to the Course: we believed in the tiny mad idea-thought and took it seriously – and then, using the will God has given us with its all-encompassing power, it becomes our perception and experience.

It is all Maya, appearances

It feels like I am bathed in sweet mercy lying here and just allow what goes on in the muscles – not resisting anything of it – allowed now, to be, to be released

And also seeing that REAL, IT IS NOT – just as the squashed body of the centipede morphing into a porcupine was not REAL, but an image from my mind projected into my dream.

As long as we believe these images are real it becomes our experience

It is an image, believed in – representing false thoughts about shame and violence – just as the world is an image of separation, believed in and experienced as real – and I love to notice that as I go back to the mind and forgive the images I/we have made, with the power God has given me/us, the world becomes beautiful

The image of the porcupine touches me deeply, and allows me to see yet another mechanics of repression: outside our home where I lived from  I was 2-6 years, porcupines were flattened by cars each day. My cousin and I shoveled them up and buried them in our garden, and sung very sad psalms for them. It comforted me: my own experience of being crushed daily was reflected in the spiky squashed bodies, and the psalms felt purifying. Now at least, the pain was expressed – and at the same time, I could keep the terrible fact hidden, that it was me that was crushed.

Well – that is the psychological reason. The real reason, as non dualism sees it – is the deep unconscious guilt in the mind from believing we had left Heaven and deserved all  possible punishment

Reminding myself again: it is a dream

And I truly want to wake up and recognizing mySelf as the One dreamer

*

Links to my 2 books on Amazon:

if you click on the titles, you will find more info about them, and may enjoy some of the reviews

 

 

 

Tappings on the shoulder – post fromNichola

This morning I remembered weeks ago when Leelah had a dream about two women – one was ridiculing her –the other was skeptical – the skeptical one was me. She reached out to ask to do some skype sessions –  I had also recently told her that I had been diagnosed with a serious illness.

I am not a Course in Miracles student but because of last week’s encounter with David Hoffmeister appearing on my jellyfish page I watched some YouTubes of his over the weekend. I particularly noticed the one where he said that Holy Spirit would tap us on the shoulder again and again until we pay attention.

Then this Friday evening comes, and as well as the illness I am worried about many things, money, where I am living. I feel like my life is completely falling apart and I’m not going to make it.

One simple question from Leelah and it is like a key has turned in a lock.

It is real or is it a thought?

It is a thought. Wow – relief about that. Then something more – it is not just a thought, it is a thought  system – there are many thoughts attached to this one mega-thought that ‘I might not make it” including – not good enough, too ugly, not worthy , made too many mistakes – the list could fill up a whole room.

Are you willing to be wrong about it?

Yes I am willing to be wrong about that thought, but it is really amazing because I realise that thought has been one of the bedrocks of my life, and it isn’t true.

Leelah talks about perception – in this case perception is the way that we see the world provide us with proof that we are right. If you are reading this, it might sound elementary, but to me it is like the rock cracking in the tomb. And the light shining in. I am stunned with what I have just understood.

The perception then creates the feelings which then lead us back nicely to the thought.

I start to think about the idea that our thoughts create our reality but then I think that is not correct – that perceived reality is only part of the loop.

I guess it could be called a major thought system—a fully self-contained self-perpetuating loop of non-reality. I can hardly believe it.

We do an exercise that Leelah has learned from a tape with Regina Dawn Akers : Draw a circle and put the thought at 12 o’clock, the perception it leads to at four o’clock ,the feelings the perception creates at eight o’clock. To demonstrate the loop.

Leelah suggests something to replace this “I’m not going to make it”  with something else: “I wonder how this is going to turn out/”  I try it out. I feels good.

This morning I remember the YouYube by David Hoffmeister about the Holy Spirit tapping me on the shoulder. And I think about how I am really stopped in my tracks at the moment – by physical mobility, finances, other things and about what happened last night. I am that skeptic that Leelah dreamed about, yet I am sure now that all this apparent chaos and loss of power is not what it seems. It is the tapping – tapping waking me up to true self and I am blessed.

 

 

 

Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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