On time and attack and puppets

A friend in  Facebook-group posted yesterday a guidance he received from inside about time:

“Time is but your fantasy. It is of your making. It is your monster. Yet, it is not real. For, just like love has no opposite, neither does eternity. Place your belief, your treasure in that which is Truth and the miscreation of time will simply cease to seem to be. For, in Truth, reality does not rest in time. It but rests in the eternal. Time is a child’s toy. That is all. Forgive that toy for the dreams you gave it. Yet, love it. You made it. Find the joy in your creation. To do otherwise is but to blame it, thus giving it the appearance of control. Simply love your creation. Say then, ‘This is good. This is perfect.’ And, have gratitude for your makings. For without them, the function of forgiveness would be incomplete. Time, therefore, is not a monster or ‘evil’ creation. When chosen to view it through the lens of love, you will but see it is merely a device for awakening the Christ. Truly, look upon it with love. Breathe into it. Play with it. It is but a toy.”*

It had a tremendous impact on me – it felt like I was de-structured, and I asked Jesus for help to explore this further.

Dream:

I see my daughter within a time-line – I see the time stretching out from her to me, and before and after – she is about ten-eleven, and I am my age now – 71 – she screams for help and is in panic – I pick up the total fear, I wake up. I sense the fear it in a lot of body parts and start to breathe LovesBreath, just being with the strong fear – sensations filling up the body. I ask for help to see what kind of fear this is, and fall asleep again.

Now I am in a wood. There is a black animal beside me,as high as my leg when it stands on its back legs. It is frantic, jumping at me, and i stretch a hand toward it to help it and it snaps at my hand, thinking it is being attacked and must protect itself by attacking back. It is locked into the belief that it is under deadly attack. I look at it and see that its whole black skin on its back is in cramps,and recognize in the dream that these are my cramps( I have a lot of those.)

My hand is now holding its skin on the neck, and its cramps are cramping the very neck-skin. I try to fight it, shake it away, bad choice – this can’t be shaken off.

I realize I must not fight, but love, and at this thought my hand is looser. I just stroke  the animal lovingly. I sense the tremendous cramps it is in, in the state of panic of being under a mortal attack.
As I stroke it a speak lovingly to it, it eases up a little – and then i see it.
It is a puppet

I animate it

it is my creation

I know that this animal is the same as what I saw dominating my daughter ,screaming out in fear

It is the very cry from the soul in its creation of attack and defense
It is locked in the cramp of these beliefs

I wake up, and immediately try to figure out what to do with this – that I MUST heal this – but HOW – and realize with a great smile that this struggle energy is upholding the puppet/false attack/defense-pattern.

I am trying to heal the cramp by cramping 🙂

How wonderful information: this is seemingly locked in TIME, and what is locked is a false identity, stuck in panic of believing it is under attack.
My puppet.

The comedy of it is also that I this life has worked in prof.Theater for 20 years, with stage and costume design – AND I have made LOTS of puppets.
so I am thoroughly trained in working with illusions -and also of seeing how excellent puppeteers always “become” the puppet they are talking for and animating –

*Posted with Eddie’s consent

The Conveyor belt

Kit and I, both as therapists and “persons”, experience that just being with whatever in the body – bringing clear awareness to it – is transformational. When we Skype, we take 20 minutes each to be either the “explorer” or “witness.” We can talk about it, or just go directly to the body and ask “what is most alive right now for me, what needs attention inside? “ And examine, with innocence and curiosity, how this feels in our muscles, tissues, bones, intestines. Any images coming up are welcome – and saying YES to it, as it is, and just allowing ourselves to have that sensation – and emotion – will set it free, as long as it is done with wonder and curiosity and wonder – that is, no judgment.

And no judgment means LOVE

When we primarily talk about, we can compare it with being in a field of flowers – the sight and smell may be so overwhelming that we become sedated. The mind simply lures us into talking, discussing, analyzing – but what brings healing is to just sink into the sensation/emotion and BE with it – without all those me-identifying stories.

*

The session put me right into the place where I could see how vehemently I had refused my child-eyes to see something obnoxious and scary brutal. As I stated my willingness to see, I was shown four wolves who served as guardians of the wound – placed there by my wish and decision of course, to protect me when I was small. And now something wonderful happened: I saw those wolves’ faithfulness and absolute loyalty to me, their creator – there was nothing they wouldn’t have done for me. So instead of being angry at the defense-system, my heart melted and I went to them and told them to “lay down.” They obeyed immediately. Then I sat down and opened my arms to them, and they came, all four of them, to receive cuddles. It felt completely real – smell and sounds and all.

It is vital for us to recognize that we all have chosen our defense-systems – only then will it be possible to let go of them, or rather, to have them let go of us – and they will, if we see no value in them any longer, since our perception has been healed.

Blue then told me that there is no point in me continuing seeing details from trauma – “re-living things” – but to allow H.S to show me just the essence of the wound, which in this case is an archetypal wound – the one with perpetrators violating babies and even killing them for their own relief. The relief consists of projecting their own vulnerability outside and attacking it there – now seemingly having killed it off. What a kick that becomes for them – but then it has to be repeated, and becomes an addiction. Blue reminded me that now, that I truly saw this without identifying the perpetrators with their acts –  and seeing how severely their minds were disturbed, for them to be able to act like this –  that now, when images like that comes up for me, i.e. in the media, I can and choose to immediately look beyond the acts to the light behind – or also, look for the light space that the acts are floating in – or, look at the screen the acts are projected on. Remember Plato’s Cave? In all cases will I remember that I am within a dream that the One Son of God(we all) made when we choose to experiment with separating or Self from Source/God – and when I recognize the complete impossibility of that, I am joined with my Self again and all is well.

I find that when I have that intention to notice the “invisible” screen we project on unconscious guilt on, the seemingly constant iron-band around my lungs/chest immediately lightens, and a deep relaxation entering the heart.

What we do when we do this work, is to diffuse the appearances, the illusions. And since we truly are One mind, “the perpetrator’s” soul and the “baby’s” soul will somehow pick up that evil is not almighty: there is a light surrounding it. When just one person is willing to look for the light and truth, therefore the One mind is affected- and then, it is of course each and every one’s choice to notice this- or wait.

But it is unavoidable that we get there – since it is Who we are. And of course Blue reminds me that since time is also just a joint construct in our mind, we already ARE Home – looking back and believing the dream is real.

I remember many stories where people report about being the “victim” in a rape-situation – and that something in them shifted, and suddenly they stopped resisting and looked at their rapist with Christ’s vision – and that the “rapist” recoiled with a look of terror on their face and ran away.

These persons saw right through the illusion of “assailant” to their true Self.

Next step – to truly recognize, as the One mind, that I/we have collective invited this darkness into existence when we decided to believe in a world without God as our One and ONLY Source of life and love.

And then we became mesmerized by what we had created, and forgot that it was just a big show of projections in a holographic universe – and Our very decision to separate became the projector.

I talked to my inner child with Kit as a witness on Skype – telling her that it was safe now, and something deep inside abated, as I just sat with all the strong sensations in the body, without making stories about them. I saw that it was important for the baby that both Kit and I were there – Kit’s kind voice supporting what I told happened in the body, and helping me to stay with it instead of talking about it.

And in the last minute of the session, Kit laughed out loud and told me: “Just now, right outside my window, two ladies stopped. One of them has a baby in a harness on her chest – and right now, they both stopped walking and looked at the baby.

*

Two days after this, I was sitting on the sofa and watching a movie about a young man with Asperger’s syndrome – when, suddenly, I was aware that I was completely inside my body.

OH Simplicity.

Complete absence of drama

Just HERE, with all of me, no “parts” outside, not me outside body either.

It lasted ca an hour. And in the night, when  some heavy stuff came to the surface, I was given a perfect image for me to just let it go:

I am at a conveyor-belt on an airport – there are two tracks of belts, I am in the middle. I place the two bundles of heavy-murkiness on the belts, and watch them travel toward the little door in the wall – and instead of a door, there is only LIGHT that receives the released stuff.

Feel free to try it out – and please comment here if it works well for you

 

 

 

 

 

The Cage

Cartoon by Michael Leunig

Could there be a more wonderful and truthful illustration of what the Course names the world?

And fun too – the door is open –

Please visit

http://www.leunig.com.au/ for more enjoyment

 

 

Poop on the window and in the mind

When I walked into the kitchen today, there was a big human poop glued to my window, with toiletpaper hanging down from it.
January 1 2013 somebody threw a big stone through my entrance door. Much healing and insight came from that – and it feels like this is second chapter, one level deeper: what does this mirror inside me?
A deep deep feeling of unworthiness – I am only a shit –  Jesus tells me that the reason it comes to me from outside is that I have judged this feeling from inside, and therefore made it real.
I am currently following Jeshua’ channellings to Jayem – ” Way of Mastery” – you can find them here, on John Mark Stroud’s website where he, after an agreement with Jeshua/Jayem, help people deepen their experience with what Jesus says. I am using his forgiveness-instructions – and for the first time it FLOWS, it is easy.

So in this case with the poop-thrower, it was easy to sit down and do this exercise (I wrote it down myself when listening to the audio:)

“Observe what pushes your buttons. If you can stay with it, it will reveal to you the energies that are in need of your forgiveness.

The technique is quite simple. As you go through your day, observe when you are in contraction. Shallow breath, tight muscles…does your voice become faster and louder when you speak about someone else – that is a sign that you need to do healing within yourself. When you recognize that these kind of signs are going on – in other words life has presented you with an opportunity to be disturbed – that is a sign that there is something that requires healing. So therefore count it a blessing. Turn your awareness from what you think has caused you disturbance. Remember the first Axiom: “I am the Source of my experience.” I am feeling disturbed. What is it in me that needs to be healed?” Begin to breathe deeply with the body, and rhythmically . let the body soften and relax – and ask: “What is it in this person’s energy that is really pushing my buttons?”

Please replace “critical” with self-hating

Your memory will come back – distasteful memories if you are judging them. Let them come back. continue to breathe and relax, look upon that energy of being critical, honor, love it – it is a creation. It is your creations coming back to you, that you may embrace them and transform them. And in that example, just stay with it, look at it – “Ah, being critical, I know that energy very well.” Look upon a scene in the memory where you have been critical. Look upon it with deep honesty and sincerity. And say to yourself:

“I forgive myself for being critical. I forgive my judgment of myself. I choose to teach only Love.” Watch that energy disappear from your mind, dissolve from your mind, and bring yourself back to the present moment and that person who just pushed your button. Again, you don’t need to say anything at all, or you might – but within yourself, forgive them for allowing the energy of being critical to temporarily make a home in the mind.

And merely ask the Holy Spirit to replace your perception with the Truth.

Ask to see the innocent light within them. As you cultivate this, you’ll become very very good at it. You’d be able to do it fast. And once you begin to see the light in them, you can ask the Holy Spirit, “what is this critical energy in me masking – what are they really crying out for?” And then you will feel compassion, and it will be revealed to you why they are hurting inside. And lo and behold – instead of being reactionary with them, you just might be compassionate. Your own words will turn out to be different. And through you will be channeled exactly what serves them.”
*
So he is just “me” – the Son who has forgiven his true Origin and believed he must be punished.
It is not serious:)
Oh yes,, that is something else John Mark has suggested which has been tremendously effective for me: Place an imaginary red clown nose on everyone you see.

It is simply impossible to avoid seeing that this is a dream

40 days in the desert

I am currently going through a process called “40 days” created by Lisa Natoli. It refers to Jesus’ 40 days in the desert, where he committed to sit until he knew the Truth. And all kind of temptations arose around him – manifestations  of the false mind, the ego thought system  -and he did not budge.

When we sign up for this process – guided with daily audios/videos and blog from Lisa, and a Facebook-group to share experiences in – our soul’s hidden unwanted stuff arises too. And if it does not arise as thoughts in the mind, it manifests outside of us. The process is total commitment to hang in there, whatever seem to happen, inside or outside. Accept everything as it shows itself, know that all is good even though it does not seem like it – know that you rest in Spirit/Self/Christ, and allow IT to do the healing and purification of the mind that is creating these manifestations.

Since I started, the energies in the night have been horrendous. Today, from a liberated view, I see that I have been trapped in false identification with fear-stories.

Today, I am almost finished with the Quan Yin book. It feels like I wrote it myself – so intimate, so absorbed in me is her story. I listened to the CD inside the book with the meditation again and again – and suddenly I got the idea to change my usual bed to another bed in an adjacent room. I even changed my direction in the bed: now my head is in the North.

I slept ca 80 % better

In the morning, the intensely charged fear energies returned -and the usual feelings of hopelessness – and then the idea/inner knowing: “since you notice these false ideas/voices, you cannot be them.”

Gradually the false identification slipped off – I was seen to be the awareness of it all. Deep peace and restfulness.

Then I listened to Lisa Natoli’s audio for today. The following is a mix of my own experiences and Lisa’s story to us on the 5th day.

We are reminded to allow everything to be just like it is – “You need do nothing”, ACIM.

Today the exercise is “Telling the true story.” It points to the fact that a human being identifies with the appearances of things – fear and pain and confusion become “my” fear and pain and confusion = “I am therefore a victim.” Since only Love/Spirit is true and real – deny the appearances of anything else. My belief that the crazy energies each night are “mine” makes it my experience – but true it is not.

Lisa shares how when something happens to us, like these crazy energies/pains to me, we immediately start to tell stories about/interpretations about it; “Oh I am not healed yet. I must be stupid who has not got this already” etc. She helps us see how we beat up on ourselves with shoulding and self-hating. “Oh there is more work to do. Sigh, how overwhelming.” No, it isn’t. I am awake, I was always awake, dreaming about separation. Where I lapse, is where I identify with the false voices and thoughts: like “there is something in me that MUST be fixed before I am free.”

The relief of realizing that the shoulding hating voices can just be there – just noticed, “there I go again, no biggie” is a vast relief.

Lisa shares a true story about Myrtle Fillmore – the following paragraph is from the website:

Myrtle was afflicted with tuberculosis at a young age and spent many years believing she was incurably weak and sickly. While attending a lecture by metaphysician Dr. E.B. Weeks in 1886, Myrtle learned of her innate potential for divine healing through the use of affirmative prayer. She began regularly affirming, “I am a child of God, and therefore I do not inherit sickness.” Over time,(2 years) she was healed of the tuberculosis that had threatened her life.

She knew that the appearance of malaria and tuberculosis was not who she was. And in the same way, I am noticing as true that the appearances of raging pain/darkness is not who I am – just the play of Mara, as the Buddha realized under the Bodhi Tree.

“You are LOVE

That is the only story you should tell”

*

And today this was in my mail: I love the smile in the desert –

http://www.dailygood.org/ ( see “Painter of the Desert)

 

Finding Quan Yin inside

The old pattern of “dark attacks” are escalating. And so also the help comes:-now the  Levines sent me another book about Quan Yin: The Goddess of 5th Avenue, a novel by Carol Simone. with a wonderful meditation on CD within it. I have played it twice already, and experienced being Quan Yin – which is the title of the first book that Stephen sent me!

All that happens is that a split-off part of the wrong mind has an idea that is unpleasant and it is a stinky idea and it hurts. It’s not serious and it has no power to take away the peace of the God mind.I am not my personal nature – I am That which shines through it.

THANK GOD the body is not equipped to process these strong energies. That makes it so much easier to see the body as the Course sees it: a false proof of a false thought of separation. The identity last night with Quan Yin was real, and all my aches and pains were gone while I did it. Now my work is truly to find all the places that I still carry grievances – write them down and allow this Light That We Are to shine through them.

Even if my body may die from this energy, no harm is done to the Truth that I am, and experienced yesterday

I accept my innocence and accept it in everyone

This is my experience:

When you say “yes” to fear, it does not mean that it is real and dangerous – it means only that you don’t resist that the presence of fear-energy seem to be here. You say absolute no to the stories inside the fear – the content of it. I am here as Presence – and I remember my Creator.I am One with my Self, a perfect reflection of God’s Perfection – and it is from This the yes comes: the fear comes from me choosing to believe in the separation thought, finding the made-up story about the separate me valuable ( more valuable that Reality). I now can forgive myself for dreaming this – and choosing again: I use the Quan Yin-ian cocoon in the meditation to take it in and transform it.

 “Trials are but lessons which you failed to learn presented once again, so where you made a faulty choice before you now can make a better one, and thus escape all pain which what you chose before has brought to you.”
-A Course in Miracles

And now: truly transparent art – Mitsuko Uchida plays Schumann: Gesänge der Fruhe, Opus 133

“I choose the joy of God instead of pain”

My daughter just phoned and announced that she and her beau was coming later than  agreed to help me put up a fence.

My first reaction was so ugly and gave me such a head-ache that I immediately decided to forgive this reaction and look to love instead. I opened the Course randomly and here is what I found:

LESSON 190.

I choose the joy of God instead of pain.

W-pI.190.1. Pain is a wrong perspective. 2 When it is experienced in any form, it is a proof of self-deception. 3 It is not a fact at all. 4 There is no form it takes that will not disappear if seen aright. 5 For pain proclaims God cruel. 6 How could it be real in any form? 7 It witnesses to God the Father’s hatred of His Son, the sinfulness He sees in him, and His insane desire for revenge and death.

W-pI.190.2. Can such projections be attested to? Can they be anything but wholly false? 3 Pain is but witness to the Son’s mistakes in what he thinks he is. 4 It is a dream of fierce retaliation for a crime that could not be committed; for attack on what is wholly unassailable. 5 It is a nightmare of abandonment by an Eternal Love, which could not leave the Son whom It created out of love.

W-pI.190.3. Pain is a sign illusions reign in place of truth. 2 It demonstrates God is denied, confused with fear, perceived as mad, and seen as traitor to Himself. 3 If God is real, there is no pain. 4 If pain is real, there is no God. 5 For vengeance is not part of love. 6 And fear, denying love and using pain to prove that God is dead, has shown that death is victor over life. 7 The body is the Son of God, corruptible in death, as mortal as the Father he has slain.

W-pI.190.4. Peace to such foolishness! 2 The time has come to laugh at such insane ideas. 3 There is no need to think of them as savage crimes, or secret sins with weighty consequence. 4 Who but a madman could conceive of them as cause of anything? 5 Their witness, pain, is mad as they, and no more to be feared than the insane illusions which it shields, and tries to demonstrate must still be true.

W-pI.190.5. It is your thoughts alone that cause you pain. 2 Nothing external to your mind can hurt or injure you in anyway. 3 There is no cause beyond yourself that can reach down and bring oppression. 4 No one but yourself affects you. 5 There is nothing in the world that has the power to make you ill or sad, or weak or frail. 6 But it is you who have the power to dominate all things you see by merely recognizing what you are. 7 As you perceive the harmlessness in them, they will accept your holy will as theirs. 8 And what was seen as fearful now becomes a source of innocence and holiness.

W-pI.190.6. My holy brother, think of this awhile: The world you see does nothing. 2 It has no effects at all. 3 It merely represents your thoughts. 4 And it will change entirely as you elect to change your mind, and choose the joy of God as what you really want. 5 Your Self is radiant in this holy joy, unchanged, unchanging and unchangeable, forever and forever. 6 And would you deny a little corner of your mind its own inheritance, and keep it as a hospital for pain; a sickly place where living things must come at last to die?

:::

W-pI.190.9. Lay down your arms, and come without defense into the quiet place where Heaven’s peace holds all things still at last. 2 Lay down all thoughts of danger and of fear. 3 Let no attack enter with you. 4 Lay down the cruel sword of judgment that you hold against your throat, and put aside the withering assaults with which you seek to hide your holiness.

W-pI.190.10. Here will you understand there is no pain. 2 Here does the joy of God belong to you. 3 This is the day when it is given you to realize the lesson that contains all of salvation’s power. 4 It is this: Pain is illusion; joy, reality. 5 Pain is but sleep; joy is awakening. 6 Pain is deception; joy alone is truth.

W-pI.190.11. And so again we make the only choice that ever can be made; we choose between illusions and the truth, or pain and joy, or hell and Heaven. 2 Let our gratitude unto our Teacher fill our hearts, as we are free to choose our joy instead of pain, our holiness in place of sin, the peace of God instead of conflict, and the light of Heaven for the darkness of the world.

***

This is a big break-through for me. My first reaction was seen as an old revenge-story, being RIGHT and making the others see their guilt of betraying me ( coming too late, in my view.”

Suddenly the choice was crystal clear: 4 It is this: Pain is illusion; joy, reality. 5 Pain is but sleep; joy is awakening. 6 Pain is deception; joy alone is truth.

I just knew that my reaction came from ego, and would NOT bring me peace to hold on to. I chose to see my daughter as radiantly innocent, and just acting out my projection on her. I thanked her in my mind for  helping me find it and forgive it. When she arrived, it was with a radiant smile and the bestest hug. All blame from my side was gone. Miracle, I tell you.

One time she tried to unscrew an old rusty screw from an old rotten fence-post. It did not budge. I blessed it and it came out as easy as butter. – The two of them worked all day with making a firm base for the new fence-post. I love the symbols of this firm base of the fence: no rotten old planks any longer, and truly digging deep for a long time to help the new post find its ground. Lots of old roots removed from the earlier  sick bush that now is removed.Now my fence joins with my neighbor’s -I love that symbol too:)

In short – I am very happy and grateful and tired. And have truly learned this lesson once and for all: whenever I blame somebody, I need to forgive my reaction and remember that pain is illusion, and that the pain is in MY mind where it can be forgiven and replaced with Love.

I will step back and let Him lead the way.

June 2I have been soo under the spell today. I dug up many anthills/nests under my garden today, and threw them away, and poured salted water on some of the nests. I was so angry at those ants, saw them as eroding the ground under my home, really hating them – knowing all the time that this was just ego. And after I had thrown a lot of them away. the guilt came as an avalanche. Then I had red wine and lots of chocolate!! and I asked H.S. for a correction.
Then I came to the D.U board and read a post about death-wishes to beat
God to it and that was what I needed: my judgment of all of this fell away, identification gone. For now.

June 3When I looked at the ants working overtime and felt the old hatred, I got a sudden thought that I could just allow all those feelings of hatred and anger, and forgive them. That brought me down one level to the fear of my home being eroded by invasion-armies…could maybe be a symbol of what we feared we did to God’s Home and power? It felt really scary – like any minute the whole structure might crumble – like an earth-quake – and then the guilt was there – and the wish for punishment –
and I don’t want to believe in all this any longer
please take these beliefs

June 4 Standing before the window in my healing-room, looking out at the ants’ work last day: new heaps of sand meticulously dug out from beneath my house, and spread out on the tiles on the terrace. They use the weeds in the springs between the tiles as camouflage, and dig their entrance to freedom there. In August they will swarm out in billions. I notice that I don’t feel any wishes to harm them any longer. I don’t want to win the fight any longer.I have wanted that fight to get away from Love, to keep the “me”-identity – or what I have believed to  be “me”.

I am turning the classical radio on, when the connection is broken, and there seem to be several channels playing on top of each other. It is the same feeling I had when I woke up from this mornings chaotic dreams.

It strikes me that the radio may pick up the chaos in my mind – we’re electronically linked – and I choose to forgive it. I am smiling as I look forward to noticing what turns the connection ON again in the radio.

With the white noise low in the background,  I sit down with todays’ lesson: nr.155 – I will step back and let Him lead the way.

W-pI.155.8. Such is salvation’s call, and nothing more. 2 It asks that you accept the truth, and let it go before you, lighting up the path of ransom from illusion. 3 It is not a ransom with a price. 4 There is no cost, but only gain. 5 Illusion can but seem to hold in chains the holy Son of God. 6 It is but from illusions he is saved. 7 As they step back, he finds himself again.

As I sit and practice  “3 I will step back and let Him lead the way, For I would walk along the road to Him.

I am taken back to the house we lived from I was 2-6 years. There was a church nearby, and the graveyard with its owls and rabbits was my favorite playground. I used to play there alone each day, and felt safe, loved and protected there. I was in God’s garden. Now I sense myself walking towards the church, and an extraordinary feeling embraces me. This was “the Sunday-feeling” – God’s day. I am walking toward His house in rapture as a little child, and I am re-living that now. I am walking along the road to Him. My favorite Easter Hymn is singing in y mind: Easter Morning eases the sorrow

The big bold letters above turned themselves on. I tried to edit them to no avail. 🙂

And the radio has cleared up, just as my mind


Seeing through dream-phantasms

This morning I had two dreams which illuminated “root-emotions” in this life – and therefore, which turn up to be root-emotions that the ego holds to be essential in upholding a belief in the world as something separate from its Source.

In the first dream, there is a clash between my daughter, then 10-years old, and me. I realize that she has done /said something out of a hidden hate – and I respond by a vicious hate and threats: – “You are no longer my daughter!” When I wake up, I recognize that the hate this “dream-daughter” is showing me, is a hate that I have projected into her from she was born: the hate of being rejected by my mother after a catastrophic group rape when I was 4. This hate was never consciously owned by me before now – and because my daughter in the dream expresses it now, she gives it back to me: “look, this is what you gave me.”

When  I own this hatred – the small self’s hate when it believes itself to be “cast out” – I sense a big change in the holdings around the heart. I am lying in bed and welcoming the waves of intense hatred, and knowing it to be nothing at all – and thanking my daughter for carrying this unconsciously for me and telling her that I’ve got it now. Big release, feelings of intense gratitude.

Now wonder she has needed to have so much control. No wonder I have needed the same. And beneath the psychological story of “me” and “her”, there is the original fear and hatred of the ego after the belief in the tiny mad idea of separation. It feels relieving to freely and willingly allow the fear and hate to flow through “me” now: it’s not serious, it’s not a “me” attached to it.

I sense there is something else beckoning to be allowed into awareness too, and invite it to come. I fall asleep again and dream of my late husband Kip, 25 years older and quite a father/dominator-figure in many ways. This time I am aware that he has produced a big show of threats through his special ability as illusionist ( he really was a pioneering illusionist in international  European theater in the  50-ies:-) Now, I look up from a huge room into space – and there an enormous monsters floating down to us: Rhinoceri, crocodiles, snakes, and also monsters I never saw. But the thing is, I know they are fake – and yes, there it is again: the knowing that I am dreaming. So I allow them to float down to me – quite close now – and they look very convincing alive, and even move their legs – but I hold out a finger a just push them lightly away:  I know they’re just a blown-up phantasm. They float pass me, and I feel so relieved I did not fall for the illusion.

Later, I am in Kip’s arms again, experiencing his vast charisma and attraction – and sense an overwhelming ache of jealousy at the thought that he might be in love with someone else than me.

I wake up in this sensation of jealously – and know it is the original fear of “being dumped” by God because I was failing in some way. I am aware of how powerful it is to give jealousy our belief as real – it feels all-consuming, as long as I believe in the story about it.  No wonder people kill because of it, when they allow it to own them.

I present to Blue all my fears and beliefs presented in the two dreams and ask to have them corrected. It feels wonderful to ask to be corrected – I am SO willing!

Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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