Flying Free

May you all have the most happy peaceful fulfilling year imaginable!

For a minute ago, there was a huge opening for my book “When Fear Comes Home to Love” – it is being presented in the #me too-community on Facebook. That is a closed group, but here is a link to a series of 10 FREE video/audio  webinars that may save your sanity and life, if you count yourselves as one of the me-too’s

http://www.metoointensive.com/nt-ls

I am posting my FB post here too 🙂

I have worked as a therapist and healer since 1988, and as soon as I started my practice I realized that all my clients showed very similar patterns – and they all mirrored patterns in me.I give Expressive Arts Therapy, and as soon as the patient sat down to draw or paint, or any other expression, the air was filled with Presence. All the images led to LOVE showing up – in details,word, and most of all, numinous synchronicities in our lives. Early into this process, out of the blue, a publisher phoned me and asked me “Shouldn’t you write a book?” And i should and did.

As soon as I had made my commitment, inner guidance turned up – in one of my agonized nights filled with dark and demonic visitations, I asked intensely for help and there S/he was – I called It BLUE.She explained the “mechanics” of the violator/victim-spectrum, and told me I was here to explore this with my patients – to find certain archetypes we all share, how to recognize them and how to relate to them to transform them.

What made it possible to write that book, was the constant weird and wonderful synchronicities that turned up. I have included them in the book – it sprinkles a highly needed flavor of humor and giggles into the work, helping us to dis-identify from the archetypes – be their loving observer

That took about 25 years.
I self published it – the publisher told me that his editors were not skilled to edit it – so I had to edit it with BLUE instead 🙂

Blue linked me to Jennifer last June, and I took the STT training – so when she advertised the free #MeTooHealingIntensive webinars I got big shivers. I realized this was a huge gift to me – but also a gift to the book – here was the true energetic opening for it.

I am beyond relieved and grateful for everything that brought me to this life and to link up with Jennifer and #MeTooHealingIntensive. I love you all!

Here is the link – you can read about it, read reviews and peak inside. It comes in Kindle too – much cheaper

The Blue Hole

The deep chest pain and cough was particularly nasty this morning. I prayed deeply and sincerely for help to see this differently. I got up, and found myself looking at a book in the shelf above my head. I got the message, pulled it out. It was a journal, 29 years old, from my first training in Sweden in Expressive Arts Therapy.

I had no idea I had done that. And that I had not seen it before! I opened the first page, and read about an exercise we did the second day: “Who am I now?” Paint it.

This “I” had the day before been initiated into a shamanic journey through 4 years, and the opening into all this “new” exercises ( but not new to my Soul 🙂 felt like an earthquake. Maybe cataclysm is a better word.

In that image, there were two parts – a childlike playful colorful one, and a chaotic threatening one.

And then, there was an opening. Kind of a “hole.” That hole was the only thing I liked – 29 years ago. We were told to enlarge the one detail we loved the most, and I happily painted it again. I needed to have it clean. It was filled with BLUE. I wrote under the sketch in the journal:

I need my hole. It sits in the chest region. It has to do with the throat chakra

THIS is what I am shown: what I have seen as something I hate and want to get rid of – for about 30 years – is something I have told myself I needed when I grew up.

It is not something bad to get rid of – it is a huge gift, to be unwrapped delicately!

The moment I withdraw all my judgments of the wound – and the ways I have “protected it” and built shells around it – tears flowed like Niagara.

I sit with it, and the familiar almost-fainting state appears. For the first time I truly realize that it is not something “wrong” with me, health wise – it is a unraveling of old tight holdings around my heart. It was something I needed then– in order to feel safe.

I do not know more for the time being – other than that this is such a wonderful process – and i let myself off the hook for not having discovered it until now: things had to happen first, to prepare the way.

*

A poem today – this way of writing has been deeply healing for me

 

Easter and Wester

 

Easter is a town in the land of Tobble

It is to the right.

There is a sweet wind there

and a special sunrise

with magenta and lemon-yellow,

and white and pink Praising Birds

who sing hymns in Bird language.

 

Wester is to the left

of Easter

and has sharper wind and broad lanes

for expensive cars.

Easter has eggs in the grass in the ditches

Not all of them are fresh though.

Wester has Weeping Willows with Wlackbirds

and multitudes of Taxidermists

and rather foul air quality on Friday afternoons

 

I much prefer Easter for picnics I must say

Wester is more for nitpicks

but nice if you are rich

and own a limo.

The asphalt is smooth and black

in Wester,

while in Easter there is more walking

on gravel and many places on grass

And there’s the Ocean of course

That counts a lot

*

 

 

 

Going Home/being HERE

Todays post is answers to lesson 6 in “The Jewel of the Christ Mind Course”   a one year online Course. The bold blue quotes are from Jesus/Jeshua

The essence of coming to Presence as I see it:
1) STOP and come back to NOW
2)Breathe, and remember Who is breathing
3) Notice without judging, with interested curiosity – embracing it

*
3 questions for the Christ Child:

Precious child I love, how can I support you?

Allow warmth to come into this cold. Breathe LovesBreath into it

What do you most need from me?

To BE WITH ME and embrace me – and not only to sit with and breathe: To play, to experiment with art – poetry,stories,dance,textiles,music,movement -to experience being one with creation instead of being the part you project all your horrors on to

Is there any change I could make that would allow you to flower even more?

Take a session with Zach Rehder for help with really being with these energies- and learn to accept gifts.

( An editor just offered me his service for free – and I notice that I think that IF I accept it, he will secretly be displeased, and the grievance will turn to hatred, and then he will come and attack me.)

I notice the strong link I have built in my mind between men’s ill-will with me ( which means I must conform 100% to their expectations) and then a sudden brutal and vicious attack. I have worked with this complex consciously since I was 23 in all kind of therapies and trainings and being initiated into many traditions – and 25 years as therapist with my patients and myself. My book When Fear Comes Home to Love is the result of that – and still this strong energetic link is felt in my nervous system between the thought of being FREE and visible to violent attack and there is always insanity connected to this attack.
*
This must be the experience I most need to be having right now, as more of Christ Mind is birthing into, and through me.

Something in me truly knows this to be true. Which means that all those insane and violent attacks I was forced to participate in as a small child and, and also to be forced into the role of perpetrator to make me guilty and one of “them” – this is where the Christ Mind NOW can be birthed into, and explore the healing that is available HERE TOO. Writing this, a wave of gratitude comes – how glad I am that this HAS happened and that I HAVE these experiences now – so I can allow the Light that I am as Christ to embrace all those energies, suffuse them, transform them.

Here are three images I painted years ago of exactly this: I knew it then too, but have worked to integrate it all the years since then.

bare kom du 11) Red attacks the Blue/Christ –

absorpsjon 22) The Blue embraces it, it starts to dissolve –

stadier i omfavnelse 3 og 43 and 4) The dissolutions continues, and in the fourth stage, the attack-energy has become a Menorah –

I have needed a lot of time to birth this – smiling

“There have been no wrong turns on your journey. You have never failed, and you have never sinned.”

Icecold. Spacing out. Breathing. Strong wishes of retaliating, making the others suffer as they make me. Deep and venomous hatred.

“There have been no wrong turns on your journey. You have never failed, and you have never sinned.”

Deep yawning, the sickness abates. I bless the energy within the sickening forms, invite it Home in my Blue Christness – chest warm, whole lower body ice cold – breathing into it – surrendering to it now –
“I” am not doing this, Christ is doing it through Leelah – I hear screams from massacres and battlegrounds, from concentration camps and machete slaughterings – from everybody that perceives themselves to be righteously mistreated and wants to stop it with any means at all —-

Deep doubts: I have done this for 27 years, and still I feel the fear of being visible –

And the answer:: “and for each time you have been willing, one more piece of it has been integrated”

WOW! what a gift: when I copied this over from a word-doc, that one sentence was left out – so i had to return to the original and really take this in: “and for each time you have been willing, one more piece of it has been integrated”

A tremendous hateful part hisses to me, DO NOT HOPE!!!

There is Love all around that, (just as the pictures show,) and now my belly is warm. – That’s where the “haterer” is – yawning – “I WILL not hope and be shocked again – and again – when I have opened up – it is torture”

Sweetie, I am right here, take all the time you want to get use to this space

“There have been no wrong turns on your journey. You have never failed, and you have never sinned.”

WOW! Looking at the doc I am writing now, I discover that I have repeated that quote from Jeshua three times – and each time I have believed, “that is a great quote, I want that here – – -and not discovered I have already written it down twice before

There has been no separation at all … our resistances, judgments, and especially our guilt, occurred because we thought what was going on was different than what was and eternally is, going on. (Jeshua,Jewel Course.)

Sitting with that, allowing it take root

“You have heard it said this world is a world of shadows. It is not just a metaphor.
It happens to be true. While shadows are illusory, it does not follow that they be left untransformed.
For what you leave untransformed retains the power to bind you in its spell. It will continue to do so, until YOU decide to learn who you are by being the power of Love‟s Presence that heals all things.” . (Jeshua,Jewel Course.)

*
Wonder Questions:

1. What are three significant experiences you have believed you should not have had?
(Be vigilant against assuming these are just ‘negative’ experiences. When faced with overwhelming joy, “luck”, others’ gratitude, or miracles, don’t we often shake our heads, hold our breath, and try to deflect or minimize it????)

I have sat this the whole week. Many has presented itself, but the answer is always: None. Without everything, I would not have had the experiences and the learnings I have

2. What is it that you have found most difficult to trust?

That even when the experiences feels excruciating, they are NOT “wrong” – I am not wrong – they are pathways into human darkness and ignorance as soon as I don’t judge my small self for having them – for not being “worthy.” – Oh there’s a lot of that going on –

3. Do you trust, really trust , your Creator?

My ca 2o A4 journals filled with my images and processes show me that God is always available in every situation. I DO really trust my Creator –
It is ME I don’t trust – God’s One Son, choosing to judge myself for what happens to me – seeing it as character-faults that takes away my God-given worth, making me wrong,making others wrong – not recognizing they are me in disguise, mirroring back to me what I need to see and lift in to forgiveness and innocence

And right now, after writing this down in one go, seeing that I am trusted to do the best I can to wake up –

I bless myself in my ability to choose love
I bless myself in my true nature
I bless myself in my willingness to hang in here

AMEN

 

“The Little Girl”-program in the mind

This morning I prayed for help to join with the part of me who is responsible for these almost constant states of inner disaster and turmoil in the morning, and I was shown a severely dissociated part – a conglomerate of disaster parts, melted into one, from baby and up to 6-7 years old. I saw her – as in a room/space-bubble for herself in the astral level- and she was permanently looking at /being shown/ horrible images of abuse, murder, torture, what have you.

I was also helped to understand that I/my soul was her “power” – it was like she had relocated herself to another level, into a bubble where she could be “safe” – so she did not have to be fully present in the acts she was forced to participate in and subject others to. “She” relocated – and her emotional and mental state of mind – the “disaster-one” – followed her to this “bubble” in the mind, and my soul, and my identification with her, powered her as my creation – made it “real”, as the Course calls it. The physical acts surely happened to her – but she added to those her own thoughts and beliefs about herself, and why this happened to HER – like,” I must be really wicked and sinful since I experience this, I have no worth, I deserve to be punished constantly not to be hit by God’s rage.”

And constantly telling herself these lies – and me unconsciously believing in them – made them real for her – and cemented her “sinful” sluttish identity.

And “she” will perpetuate this creation of mine in a split-off state of mind, as long as I have not firmly dissolved my beliefs that is running the creation

I asked for help, and was reminded of my Michael-Sword of Truth. I directed it at the essence of the darkness with the intention of returning it to the One – a lot was released and resolved

This is the metaphysics of it:by believing in the dark images, the images become real – this is how humanity has created the world. In “The Jeshua Letters,” Jeshua describes “the world” like this:

“…the vast array of perceptions you have learned about yourself. It is a web of illusion that you, as soul, freely choose to be immersed within. The web is like a vortex, a field of energy… The world means nothing. This is the salvation of the world: That is does not, nor has it ever, existed.”

Like “The world,” the split-off girl does not exist in reality – she is a conglomerate of my own beliefs and fears, powered by my denial and resistance to them – which creates a strong identification with them.

What I am reminded of now, while I am with her, loving her, is that images are nothing else than images – and ONLY humans’ belief in their appearance makes them seemingly real.

I am shown that my perception still primarily is driven by this split – off – girl -and I see the perception like two pieces of twisted frozen dirty-green ice in front of my eyes, warping images of love into sickening brutality and perversion.

I pray deeply for help to clear my perception, and is told the importance of being the Self in Presence with her, just witnessing her feelings and saying them back to her. In this way, she will experience LOVE as well as her fears

This day I was more tired than I have ever been – until I was prompted to sit down and write it down and sharing it with you. In that second, the tiredness lifted.

Squahed centipede

My son I law is 50 next summer. I have planned a gift which will honor him as a father,friend,dancer and Lieutenant Colonel. I had made numerous ideas, sketches and intuitions on some papers, and hid them when he came visiting. Today a new great idea came, and I could not find those darn papers.

I noted with interest how I instantly went into the old well-known mode of hating myself as the first correct thing to do. Then came the disaster stories – and gradually,  the idea that these somehow belonged to “me.” I watched “me” getting really angry, looking and watching everywhere, noticing the sensations becoming murky and acidly in the body. And decided that it was enough of that – and found myself telling myself that I looked forward to finding those papers and smiling and that it would happen in perfect timing.

Then I found myself open a cupboard which was a very illogic place for putting papers – and there they were, on top of a stack of plates.

It took 3 seconds from I stated my new intention to I found them

It is possible that I will drop the drama next time I search for something

*

Now, a dream from last night:

I am cleaning the space around my child’s bed – she is about 12 in the dream. Lots of old dust  around the head side of the bed –  beanpoles, centipedes – creepy crawlies, the Native Indians call them. Both my daughter and I hate hate hate creepy crawlies.

A centipede runs away from the bed – it senses that I am out to hate and kill, and runs. I find a stick and hit it. Again and again. It is disgusting, it bursts, but it still is alive, and I hate what I am doing but in my mind there is no alternative to creepy crawlies than to kill them and the more I hit the bigger it grows. It now has the distinct head of a porcupine.

I wake up

The more I tried to kill it /resists it, the bigger it grows…yes, I just made it real by resisting it. All the self-hatred and disgust that the Son of God has believed is his identity as a separated  somebody is projected into a world of forms where we now can watch what we have created: now the disgust and self-hatred is projected on the “other” – but as our bodies also are just thoughts in the One mind projected out, our bodies also hide our self-hatred and disgust and shame to a certain degree and put it into muscles,bones and blood

What is Cancer, if not cells attacking other cells in the same body?

What is illness, if not projecting our guilt and perceived sinfulness into our body? We have our own crawlies inside as bacteria. Some  are “good”, some are bad – the body could not live without the “good” ones – yet it is just a reflection of the basic ego thought of kill or be killed.

Good God what a thought-system we believe in – no wonder we fear a god who could be thought to create such a world

I am lying in bed and allowing the ravaging pains in the body — and forgiving myself for believing in the first Tiny Mad Idea

Violently repressed and denied, now sensed inside this body – kept there until I am willing to take the projection back and see that it is just a false thought, part of the insane thought system of the ego.

Waves of sickness and shooting pains rise to the surface – is seen through and released

I remember the image of the growing centipede’s body being smashed to pulp and still, agonized, living – but  seen now, although it appeared completely real, it was just a dream.

This is how the world was – and is – made, ac.to the Course: we believed in the tiny mad idea-thought and took it seriously – and then, using the will God has given us with its all-encompassing power, it becomes our perception and experience.

It is all Maya, appearances

It feels like I am bathed in sweet mercy lying here and just allow what goes on in the muscles – not resisting anything of it – allowed now, to be, to be released

And also seeing that REAL, IT IS NOT – just as the squashed body of the centipede morphing into a porcupine was not REAL, but an image from my mind projected into my dream.

As long as we believe these images are real it becomes our experience

It is an image, believed in – representing false thoughts about shame and violence – just as the world is an image of separation, believed in and experienced as real – and I love to notice that as I go back to the mind and forgive the images I/we have made, with the power God has given me/us, the world becomes beautiful

The image of the porcupine touches me deeply, and allows me to see yet another mechanics of repression: outside our home where I lived from  I was 2-6 years, porcupines were flattened by cars each day. My cousin and I shoveled them up and buried them in our garden, and sung very sad psalms for them. It comforted me: my own experience of being crushed daily was reflected in the spiky squashed bodies, and the psalms felt purifying. Now at least, the pain was expressed – and at the same time, I could keep the terrible fact hidden, that it was me that was crushed.

Well – that is the psychological reason. The real reason, as non dualism sees it – is the deep unconscious guilt in the mind from believing we had left Heaven and deserved all  possible punishment

Reminding myself again: it is a dream

And I truly want to wake up and recognizing mySelf as the One dreamer

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Links to my 2 books on Amazon:

if you click on the titles, you will find more info about them, and may enjoy some of the reviews

 

 

 

exploring dissociation

August 18

More and more often I am  noticing that negative images are not trustworthy: they are signals from ego’s vast array of  tricks, wanting me to make them real and scary by seducing me in believing them. Yesterday evening I was sharing a Skype-session with K and was shown an image with me as a central pole, and all kind of creepy slithering crawlers were covering me.

Now, I don’t particularly love those kind of beings – but yesterday I saw it as just another silly try of scaring me – like the tricks that the Wizard of Oz played.

And so I see the possibility of starting to look forward to “dark” images as a way to find the bits of my mind that wants to hold on to that – as a way of hiding from Love.

And forgive it.

Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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